Don't let me stop you

30 days. 1 month. Still no word from him, and still no contact on my end. Hard to believe that I spent just under a year with this guy, and it was over in one lousy phone call. Whatever, I deserve so much better.

I've been reading this awesome book about how to date in today's environment. I'm really liking it so far. Right now I'm working on figuring out the qualities of my ideal man and relationship. It's not as easy as it sounds! Here are some of the main qualities I'm looking for:

-Intelligent/Educated
-Attractive/Fit/Athletic
-Outgoing/Charismatic
-Good sense of humor/Funny
-Passionate
-Caring
-Romantic
-Liberal (or at least moderate)
-Nonreligious
-Social/Friendly

Hmmm, my other list on paper is longer, because I can't really think of any more right now...

We've run out of reasons why we're together

I am very surprised--and proud--at how I've handled this breakup. I'm especially proud of the fact that I haven't made a fool of myself by begging him to take me back. No drunk phone calls, nothing.


I haven't heard from him, either. Which sucks. But it's better that way, for the both of us. It's hard to think about the fact he just really doesn't care about me anymore. So I try not to if the thought pops into my head. Sometimes it still feels unreal, that I haven't talked to him in what has now been 24 days. 24 days without any contact.


What has made him so much easier to get over is that it was a long-distance relationship. And the fact that it was falling apart before it officially ended. I'm used to being apart from him and unfortunately and much to my anger, not hearing from him. I know now that he will not call. So now I don't have to spend anymore time worrying when he was going to call me, why he hadn't called me. I know now that he should have been calling me several times a day!

I've been strong. Uncharacteristically strong. I've got a fairly good attitude about the situation. He was not 'the one'. While I may not have the future I envisioned with him anymore, I know I will have it someday, with someone else, someone better. I need to use this time to really learn to love myself, and to figure out what I want to do with my life. But that's a whole other story...

Hello again.

It's been a long time since I last wrote an entry (not counting the other one from today). As is usually the case, a lot has happened in this past year. Most importantly, I left my job and I was in a serious relationship.


Was being the key word.


I am no longer in that relationship, which lasted just under a year (2 1/2 weeks short, to be exact). Tonight, it will officially have been 21 days since he broke up with me. I say "he broke up with me" because it was his decision, not mine. It's true that we'd been going through a rough patch--the physical distance that separated us and our dual search for new jobs were making it very difficult to remain close. But I just attributed our problems to a normal stage of a relationship that we happened to be passing through; apparently, he did not.


I wish I could say I didn't see it coming, but then I'd be lying to myself. I know exactly when I first felt like something was up--it was all too familiar. We had gone 5 days without talking. Actually, it was more like I went 5 days without a phone call, a text, anything, from him. So naturally, I freaked out. Why hadn't he called me? Why didn't he want to talk to me? I ended up having to beg him to call me, especially after I started thinking that he may have gotten in an accident. I mean, who would have known to call me and let me know he was ok?

When I finally did get in contact with him, he gave me some lame excuse, which I of course accepted. Who knows if it really was the truth. It probably wasn't. He didn't want to bother with me, so he ignored me. I just remember that I was so relived to know he was ok and that he wasn't breaking up with me!

Oh, the insight that I now have. I guess I'm in a sort of reflecting mood right now, since I'm able to write this without feeling sad at all. Putting it down actually makes me feel more like a fool!

I'll just say that more of this behavior ensued in the following weeks, each time with me begging him to call me, and him reassuring me that everything was ok. Until that fateful Monday night 3 weeks ago when he finally told me how he's been really feeling. The ironic thing is that that time, I wasn't worried anything was even wrong, I just wanted to hear from him!

I will never doubt my intuition ever again. That sinking feeling that something just isn't right, it's not me overreacting (well, ok, maybe I might not need to get too worked up). But it's definitely never failed me now.

And...that's really all I feel like talking about it at the moment.

I'm still heartbroken. But I'm now realizing and accepting that maybe he just wasn't the one for me. And I'm super proud of myself for not even having contacted him once since then (well, minus my final words email I sent him the next day--I had to get a few things out that I didn't manage to through all the tears). I'll post that later.

I haven't seen the best that love has to offer

21 days.

21 days since I've talked to you.

21 days since you told me you didn't want me in your life anymore.

21 days of learning to live without you.

21 days that I have NOT contacted you.

21 days that I have realized I am so much better off.

I have made it 21 days.

Put on your bright lights, we're in the city of wonder

I don't know where my motivation has gone. I've definitely lost it. And I desperately want--no need--it back. It's become easier to just do nothing rather than something. But I want to do something. And I try, but I end up doing nothing. So is the pattern day after day. It's really terrible at night when I come home. I go to work, go to the gym, then home. I have intentions of being productive, but I never seem to get around to actually accomplishing anything. Cooking takes up at least a half hour--and you can't even really call it "cooking." More like preparing dinner. But nevertheless, it's past 8 o'clock before I know it. And not to mention my cat Chloe. I love her to death, but she wants ALL of my attention when I get home. I can't blame her; she's home all day by herself, bored. But it definitely makes it difficult to do other things when she's constantly crying and begging for me to play with her. And before I know it again, it's time for bed. Repeat sequence the following day.

I'm stuck in a rut that I just can't seem to find my way out of. Yet.

Only doing it for the money

I will get paid. I will get paid. I will get paid.

That's the only reason that will keep me from blowing up about having to work on Saturday morning. I wouldn't even call it work. I'd call it a huge waste of my time, as I will be standing around doing nothing for 4 hours. When I could be sleeping. On my day off. It'd be different if I didn't already work 8-5:30 every Monday through Friday. But to have to get up that early on my Saturday? It really pisses me off.

I know, I sound like a spoiled brat. I should be very grateful I even have a job right now. A decent job (well, don't let me go there...) with decent benefits. Even though I am bored out of my mind and completely miserable every second I am in this office. But really, it's ok.

No, it's not ok. I feel so lost and so confused. I don't have any direction to go in. I don't know what else I'd want to do, where I want to go career-wise with my life. I've become very lazy and complacent--yet craving change. But it also scares me--the thought of finding a new job, starting a new routine. But I do need more excitement in my life. I am so incredibly bored.

Wanna make you my baby, gotta make you my baby

I just can't figure myself out with this guy! One minute I like him, or I think I like him, the next, I'm not so sure. Every sign says that I should like him--he's pretty much everything I've been looking for: cute, has a job/career, done with school, my age...But I just don't know! It's been over a month now that we've been dating (broke that record!), and I still feel like something is missing on my end. And I'm not exactly sure what it is or why I feel like this. It's driving me crazy because I really want to like him, to feel like he feels about me. Maybe that's part of the problem--he's still way more into me than I am. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I think it freaks me out a little bit. For one thing, I'm not used to it. I keep thinking that I'm feeling so uncertain because subconsciously I'm scared--especially scared that I'm going to get hurt again. Which is strange because this guy seems to have no intention of doing something that would hurt me and has indicated that he won't be going anywhere any time soon. And isn't that what I've always wanted? I think I find myself disappointed, that maybe I set my expectations a little too high and now that I finally have what I've been looking for...I'm like, "this is it?" I think what's lacking a bit for me is my attraction to him. I normally am the one who falls head over heels, who feels extremely attracted to the person. But this time, not so much. I mean, I find myself really hesitant to kiss him, and well, just kind of not wanting to! I think part of that has to do with me not being sure of my feelings for him, so I feel awkward and weird about it. I don't want to give up yet. Well, I kind of have, but I know I shouldn't. Yeah, I don't feel like I have before. But those times before never worked. So I guess I am finally "taking it slow." Really slow. Just trying to develop some feelings for the guy--that's what dating is all about. And if my feelings don't end up changing, then well, that's dating! But I really hope something within me changes soon, because sometimes I feel like I'm pretending and being forced into saying or indicating I feel a certain way when I don't all because I don't want to ruin things or hurt him. Not so smart, I know. I just wish I could honestly say I liked him without any reservations. But not yet.

If you just realized what I just realized

The tables have been turned, and now I am on the other side. I kind of can see where they all were coming from...well, just a little bit. I'm doing everything that I hate that guys have done to me. But I can't help it. I don't like the guy, and I don't know what to do! I go on one date with him, and now he's in love with me. Turns out, he was in love with me before I went out with him. I was like a dream come true to him. And for me, not so much. There was no spark, and he is so not what I want. There's a lot of me in him--the stuff about me that I don't like and want to change. Plus, when a guy begins a question with "this is something that is very important to me" and you say no to that question (do you go to church, in this case)--a big resounding no for him and for me (I don't want to be with someone like that)--it's just not going to work out. And I thought that he got the hint when I ignored him. Not answering his texts. Not saying hi when he was at the gym at the same time. But no, this guy is clueless! I did end up apologizing for acting so weird when he said he still wanted to be friends (because I was assuming he had gotten the picture) and said friends was ok. But, he apparently misunderstood me. Big time. Because he's still trying to see me! Or actually, "trying to get next to me." Saying I wanted to be friends, which is supposed to be the biggest blow when it comes to relationships, was a mistake. I'm going to have to tell him the truth at some point. That when I said I wanted to be friends, well, that I meant I didn't actually want to be friends--more like I'll be nice to you and say hi to you and maybe, maybe, make small talk with you--but nothing more. No hanging out. I guess he still thinks he has a chance, and I guess that's my fault. It's not like I haven't made things incredibly awkward enough at the gym, where I see his friends more than him, who are staring at me the whole time and who knows what he's said about me. Yeah. Makes for an interesting time everyday. And today? Well, this could possibly be the worst of them all. I know he's going to be there today. He told me. And he's going to come talk to me. And he's probably going to be waiting for me (if not at the door!) for me to walk in. What did I get myself into...and why can't he be someone different that I actually liked??