I never promised you a ray of light

Boredom. Complete boredom is what I've been experiencing lately. And way too much of it. I have nothing to do to fill my time. I'm trying, but it turns out I just waste most of it. Like always. I'm trying to figure something out...but I just don't know yet. The whole D.C. is still weighing so heavily on my mind. I haven't made a decision yet, and don't even know if I'm close to making one. I'm scared, and I don't know if I will be able to do it. There are so many things to think about. The job. The place to live is the big one. And it really has been stressing me out. I haven't wanted to admit it to myself, but it has. And I'm tired of having to explain it to everyone. You'd think I'm not excited about it at all by the way I don't ever want to talk about it. It's just that I'm trying to figure some things out about myself first. Like can I really do this? Do I really want to? I can't seem to come up with definite answers. But I know I need to do this. And I really can. I just have to stop being afraid. I'm way too scared. Some degree is normal, but fear has run my life for too long. And it's affected too many of my decisions, many of which I have come to regret, or wished I'd chosen differently. I don't have anything here anymore. I don't want to stay. But yet, I don't know if I'm ready to leave. It's a hard move to make. It's actually more like a huge jump for me. Taking such a big step. I did it once, and I failed. Maybe that's part of what's causing all this. It is. I don't want to fail. I don't want others to see me fail. I don't want others to think I will fail. I desperately want to make a decision. And soon. Because I can't take much more of this, nor will my dad (meaning I need to get a job!). Indecision is not fun. Now, what to do with the tons of magazines I've got laid out on my bed that I just can't get rid of...