There's a million things I wish I didn't do

Well, so far today I've managed not to freak out about anything. Or start to cry. Guess that's a good thing! I was really disappointed that I didn't get to go out last night, because I really wanted to. We'll see if I do tonight. I just can't get completely out of control like I have been lately. Because I can't miss work or go home early. Plus, I would like to remember my night, and I certainly didn't last Thursday. It's probably not so good that you don't ever remember being at the place you went out to...luckily, we were very smart and had someone sober drive us or get a cab. If not tonight, I'd like to go to happy hour tomorrow. But doubt that'll happen. For one thing, I can't get in touch with Ania. And second, she probably won't want to go in the first place. I'm just so confused in my life. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm absolutely miserable. I can't seem to figure out what I want, but what's new? I sometimes wonder if I will ever know. Part of me wants to move away to a big city. But part of me doesn't, and knows that I'm not ready. A major thing is that I don't want to go alone. I'm so tired of being alone, of doing everything by myself. I want to have someone to share the experience with. And I'm not exactly talking about a boyfriend. Just a friend. Someone who wants to be around me and spend time with me. It's lonely when you have no one to talk to. :(