I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be?

Why am I so insecure, especially when it comes to guys? I guess it's because no one's ever stuck around and because I haven't found I can trust anything someone says. Because it's never backed by action. Only empty words said for some reason one night. I guess it's also because I'm never the one. They either go back to some previous relationship, or they find someone else who they do want to be in a relationship with. I'm never the one they want. I'm not trying to bash on myself, but I'm just already in a bad mood because of the holidays. I hate this time of year. I've grown to not like it. It just makes me feel incredibly lonely. Christmas. New Year's especially. I'm just finding it hard to smile lately. Not much of a reason to. Nothing--and no one--to cheer me up. I keep debating whether to send him a message. I want to. But then again I don't. I want him to first. I want to see that HE wants to talk to me. So far, I guess he hasn't. But then again, I have to remind myself not to look into it so much, because it is the break, afterall. People do lose contact during this time, and it means nothing. But then again, what if he still thinks I don't want to talk to him? So what I think I'm going to do is just say hi this afternoon. Try something a little flirtatious and funny. Something light and innocent. And see how he responds. I'd rather know now if I'm wasting my time thinking about him, which I'm afraid is true. It's better to find out now, instead of worrying for the next few weeks, because I can't take that. I'm going to try and not be down for the rest of the day. It'll be hard, though...