i call just to feel you on the line

I love waking up to the rain falling outside. It's so cozy and relaxing and makes me want to never wake up. But too much to do today to do that. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. I couldn't clear my mind and was really hungry for some reason. All i could think about was this new guy and Adam. I realized that I am so not over him yet. I really miss him. All I want is for him to call me. But deep down, I know that won't happen. I need to get over him. You see, I think things would be easier if he had told me he didn't want to see me anymore. It'd still hurt, but at least I'd have closure. Instead, I am left hanging, wondering what's going on. I want to call him so bad. But I won't. Because if he wants anything to do with me, he can call me himself. Would I take him back if he did end up calling? Yes, I know I would. But not without a talk spelling things out very clearly about our relationship. But that's only my wishful thinking. So, with this new guy Eddie...I think he's definitely interested in me (not that the asking me to dinner wasn't a good indicator) because he was flirting with me a lot and asking me about relationships and what I looked for in a guy and stuff and complementing me. It's flattering, for sure. But I don't really know how I feel. I keep thinking he's not Adam...It's just so hard when you put yourself out there. My dad described relationships with a perfect analogy to having pets: you know they won't be around forever, and when they do pass on it really hurts, but you enjoy the time you have with them while they're there with you...you don't not have them because you know you're going to lose them at some point. Relationships are the same way, you have to enjoy the time while they last, and when it's over, it may hurt, but you don't not go have them because of these reasons. Yes, I talked, well, more like he talked to me, on Wednesday night when I had my panic attack--initially it was over stressing out about school, but what was really underlying it was the situation with Adam. My mom was out of town at a lacrosse game, i couldn't reach Anne, I knew Meghan was in class, and I don't know why I didn't call Kathryn ( I thought about it, but didn't want to bother her)...I didn't know who else to turn to...I felt so alone. So I called my dad and he came over...I just really needed someone to comfort and console me. Make me feel like everything was going to be all right. And it will be eventually. Oh, I did talk to Eddie on the phone last night for a bit...yeah he called me. We ended up mainly talking online though. He sounds nice--I was expecting him to have more of an accent for some reason--guess that's Adam that's still influencing me. So we'll see...not sure if I'm really into it in that way, but I'll give it a try. I don't think he's the type of guy that I'd typically go for, but maybe that's a good thing because those guys haven't exactly worked out for me. I'm really just viewing it this way: as a way to make a new friend. I figure I'd give him a chance, because I don't come across too many guys who are decent that are interested in me too...I've been a little too picky in the past and I think that's part of my problem. I've been searching for the perfect guy for me...but I won't find him unless I go through some less-than-perfect guys for me I guess (not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with these guys). So yeah...it's all apart of my plan to open up and try new things and be on the path to the person that I've tried so hard to let out of me.