She's freaky and she knows it...

I think I've gone through another change. Another big one. Not that it happened all at once--it was more like gradual little steps, but then BAM! They all exploded suddenly one day and altered who I was. But it's not a bad thing. Definitely not at all. I have sooooo much confidence in myself, it's unbelieveable. And it's not only when I'm drinking (which intensifies it 100 times), but when I am just regular, everyday me. I think a lot of it has to do with going out so much and meeting so many people, and actually making friends with them, or at least knowing them. So when I go out, I know people, not just by their face, but I can actually hang with them and talk to them. Work has also played a huge part. I'm forcing myself to do things that I normally would avoid at all costs if I could. But the thing is, I can't, because I have a job that I was hired to do. But it's been a good thing, because I'm getting over the fears that I've had, and developing new skills while polishing up things that I was only ok at. For instance, calling people. For some reason, all my life I've had this phone phobia. So stupid, I know. But I just hated to call people. Especially people I didn't know. Which you'd think would be easy to call, because they don't know you. I think that was why I wass afraid--afraid that I'd sound stupid and they wouldn't like me. By my voice and what I said during a phone conversation. The more I write about it, the more ridiculous it sounds! But hey, it affected me, and still, I'm trying to completely overcome it. I really hate not knowing what to say. I like to have a plan. I'm not good at improvising, which is one reason why I'm so quiet in many situations. It's because I don't know what to talk about! But overall, I'm becoming better with conversation. Sort of. Well, maybe a little. Ok, I still suck at it! But I know eventually I will get better. And I think my job will really help me out in pushing my limits even further. I just have to keep putting myself out there. I also think part of my new-found confidence comes from me finally accepting who I am. And how I am. I still don't know who I am in a lot of ways, but I don't feel so lost anymore, like I used to. There's where the steady job comes in again. But I've also just come to terms with some things, or at least felt more comfortable about them. Especially when it comes to guys/sex. My attitude has changed so much over the past year and a half, but not more than it has recently. I like sex. I have needs. I will do what I feel like doing, and not get hurt. I'm not saying I sleep with every guy I meet, because that's definitely not the case, but if I want to, I'll do what I feel like doing (as long as it's safe, of course...number one priority). I guess I've just come into my sexuality, and have become more comfortable with it. I mean, hey, I am almost 23 years old, and I'm just taking advantage of that maturity I've grown into. Because I've definitely grown up. So much. And I'm growing up even more every day, whether I like it or not. I try to fight it by going out like I'm still in college, but I think eventually, no matter how much I don't want it to, I will have to cut back. I already feel like cutting back on the drinking some because I'm not liking the way it's making my body look or feel (it's catching up to me). Plus, it's getting expensive, and I just can't take drinking (excessively) 5 days in a row (like last weekend!). Maybe I can learn to not drink so much....The one thing I can say, however, without a doubt, is that I'm happy. I'm happy not from some other person (which means a guy), but I'm happy with myself. I'm happy because I like myself (well, my body image right now is a different story...). But I can just lay in bed before I go to sleep at night and look around and hug my pillow and smile and say that I'm happy. I am happy.