And the sun's coming up and how we woke up on the floor

Why did I do it? I don't feel any better. I don't feel any worse. I just feel strange. The curiousity just got to me. It was staring me right in the face, and I couldn't resist. I wasn't going to. I said I wasn't. No. Because I didn't want to. I don't think I wanted to even though I did. It was an impulse, a need to know. Am I that hopeless? No, I'm not. I was just wanting a piece of something I told myself I couldn't have. Eventually, you will give in, no matter how hard you try not to. And afterwards you'll feel bad and guilty for doing so. And you'll promise yourself you'll never do it again. Maybe this time, it'll work, you think. Maybe so. Or you may fall victim to the same yet once again. It's an unruly cycle. One I'm determined to break. But the key is moderation. It's not like I was before. It's been a while, so I can tell myself it's ok. I wasn't obsessing, I didn't "overindulge." I just satisfied my need to see. Well, not really satisfied, because I definitely feel nothing of the sort. I don't know what I was expecting. I knew nothing but some kind of hurt would result from it. But that's the thing. I don't really know if I'm hurt. Maybe a little bit, because everything to do with this will cause me to be nothing less than hurt. It's my own fault. I didn't have to, but I did. I didn't discover anything, though. Which is good. That would have been bad. Or did I? And I'm just trying to hide it from myself? Get over it already! I think I'm as over it as I can possibly be. And I am. I have been for a long time. But there's that stupid feeling inside of me saying, don't give up. But what's the point??? I'm not waiting. I haven't been waiting for anyone. I don't want any of them. They're gone from my life because they're not good enough for me. They definitely proved that. So why does my heart not want to believe it? My head knows, but there's that little piece inside of me that just won't heal. Where are the new boys so I can replace what my heart feels it's missing?