Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying

Why does it always have to be so hard for me? Why has it always been so hard? What did I ever to do deserve this? And why is she doing this to me? AGAIN??? I'm too afraid to tell her. Why? Because I know she'll try and throw it back in my face somehow. Even though I have done nothing except everything that she isn't doing. She's not even trying. Never calls me. Never calls me back. Only invites me to do things when she's already got plans with other people. It's like she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, except when SHE wants to. Which is very rarely these days. I told her to call me today because I couldn't get in touch with her at all yesterday, even though I tried a million times. She doesn't call. I have to call HER and she has the nerve to tell me I didn't try and call her yesterday. What a load of crap. She's become selfish, engrossed in her own little world and puts me last for everything now. I've seen her once in the past freaking month! She started this crap at the end of the semester. And she's still pulling it. I'm going to have to talk to her. I can't let her keep walking all over me like this. She hasn't been there for me lately, so I'm beginning to wonder why the hell I should be there for her anymore. I can't trust her word. She says one thing, but does another. Anything that she tells me I doubt. "Let's go to Chubby's or something this weekend." "Ok, sure. We haven't done that in forever!" Well, forever continues, because apparently, plans mean nothing to her. What does she think when she says things like this? Does she not mean it? Why even suggest it then? Because I'm the kind of person who believes people like her. That they actually mean that they will do what they say. Amanda was supposed to call me back after she was done. Maybe she's not done yet. She probably is, but just forgot. Of course. Because apparently I'm easily forgettable. No one ever calls me and invites me to do things. It's me who's always calling them. I do all the fucking work and it SUCKS. Who ever makes the effort for ME?? I'm all alone. No one cares. No one ever thinks about me. They never invite me to join in. Or if they do, it's because someone has told them something or they feel sorry for me and feel obligated to invite me. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I got halfway ready. Just in case. Did my hair and put on foundation. No eye makeup and no picking out something to wear. Because I knew it would end up like this. Me crying. At home. Alone. Another Saturday night gone to waste. More opportunities lost. But that's not new. I try, but I always fail. It's not supposed to be this way. This is my last semester. I want to have fun. I want to make the most of going out. I didn't go out last night because I thought I was going out tonight. I guess I can never assume anything anymore. Not with the people I know. Especially not with my best friend. Who has ditched me for some other new girl and her friends she met. All three of us are this way? Is it a genetic thing? Did my parents fail in some way? I know my mom blames herself, that she failed us in some way. And it's a horrible thing to feel, because she didn't. I don't know what's wrong with us. We're good people. We all make our share of the effort, actually we do way more than we ever should, but for what? We get nothing in return. Maybe once in a while. But nothing consistent. And that's what I want. Consistency. Someone who wants to be around me a lot of the time (I can't be around someone all the time, I need my me time). Like Ania used to be. But now that she's got her car, she doesn't need me anymore. She doesn't even invite me to go on any errands with her. Not that I might always want to, but it'd be nice if she asked. And she can come over to my place once in a while. It takes just as long to get here as it does for me to go there, so she can't complain, because I ALWAYS go to her place. ALWAYS. This happened at the beginning of the fall semester. After she joined her sorority. Met new people, ditched me. I complained, and she blamed it on me, saying she can't always blah blah blah. She makes time for everyone else. Everyone EXCEPT me. She goes to the apartment of some stupid jerk and hangs out with him and his friends more than she ever does with me. Talks to them more, too. And she said she'd call me later and tell me the time and what not. Ha. That's a joke. I don't want to stay in and play boardgames on the first Saturday back of the semester. The first last Saturday of my college experience. But of course, that doesn't matter to her, and these new people do. I'm not jealous. I just want my best friend to start fucking acting like my best friend again.