And if it's alright, I'll stay until it's later til you tell me that it's time that we moved on

I've been here before. So many times. And I didn't need this again. I can't take it again. How many times does it have to happen before I finally break down for good? I ditched my friends for this tonight. For nothing. I had very low expectations to begin with. It was one of those times where you have a great time and lots of fun, but you wouldn't die if you didn't hear from him again. You'd like to, but you know better than to think otherwise. But then, suprisingly, he does call. And wants to see what you're doing that night. Not quite sure; supposed to be doing something with friends, but it would be earlier and not last too late. So you say you'll give him a call like he asked when you're done. Uh, oh. Someone implants the idea into your head that he may think you're making up that you have plans because you don't want to do anything. And you know your friends would understand (hopefully). So you call him back and tell him that you would like to do something, he says he'll find out what's going on and give you a call back later. You know he won't call for a while. A long while. Besides, it was only 5 'o clock when you talked to him. He calls at nine, you're semi-ready to go out. Not expecting to for at least an hour. He tells you he's out with friends, they're headed to some place to drink, because they've already been out at happy hour. He does apologize and feel bad for not calling earlier. He's just kinda being dragged along by friends. Asks if you want to come where he is, but you don't know what you should do because you're not liking what you're hearing. Disappointment has already set in, and you're beginning to feel pretty hopeless. Tell him you'll call him back when you figure out what you want to do. You don't want to drive there alone to meet him. You'll be by yourself, and you won't be able to drink because you drove your car. You call him back and tell him you don't feel comfortable doing that, he agrees, you ask if he's doing anything afterwards, he says probably. Offers to come pick you up this time. But he has no idea what they're doing. Says once he figures that out, he'll call you and he'll come pick you up and you'll go out. You agree, but you know it won't actually happen. And of course, you wait by the phone all night, because just MAYBE, he will call and you will go out. As the time passes, the hope drains from your body, and you're left feeling empty inside. But because you try and think the best of people, that phone sitting there WILL ring. And even though it won't anymore that night, you'll fall asleep, tears silently falling but trying to be held back, still hoping. But wondering why. Why you? Why again?

I am not upset because I really liked this guy or anything. Because I really don't even know how I feel. I was just giving it a chance. To see. At the most it was getting a shot at a date for my date function. At the least, it was a fun night to be had. I am upset because it happened again. To me. WHY?????? What is it about me that makes people not care? I'm not selfish. I'm not even asking much. But I feel like I'm not important enough to anyone in the world, with the exception of my family, because they don't count. Guys, girls. It doesn't matter. With the way people have been treating me like I'm not worth the effort, it just really gets you down. You lose hope. I give people too much credit. Maybe my expectations are too high. But I don't think so. Just do your part. Make an effort for once. Show me that I mean at least something to you--just saying hi is enough. I didn't want to get upset. And I kind of understand his situation, but then again, I don't. Don't bother to call me if you don't actually intend to do anything with me. It's partly my fault though that I'm sitting here crying on a Friday night again. I could have gone to meet Meghan and Vanessa, but because I believed, foolishly, that this guy actually meant what he said, I didn't. I'm such an idiot. I just can't take this anymore. But I don't know what more I can do. I don't want tomorrow to come. But I want this night to end. I don't want to face the long, empty day, only to have another long, empty night. But that's what it's going to be like. I'll make an effort to try and find someone to go out with, but I'll fail once again. And it doesn't help that Valentine's Day is approaching, or that my spring break is going to suck. Or that I won't have a date to my date function so I'll end up not going. But then again, what's new with that? Someone in this universe just hates me right now, and doesn't want me to be happy or have any fun or let anything good to me happen. I just want to call my mom. But I can't. She'll get mad at me for getting upset, and she'll get upset, too.

The more I think about it, this is just one more reason for me to leave and get away. But I have a feeling it'll end up following me wherever I go. I'll take that chance, though.