Let's get drunk, you can drive us to the harbor, wish upon a star but do you know what stars are?

Why am I listening to sad breakup/heartbreak music? I have no idea. I guess they're just songs I haven't listened to in a while...and I just decided to see what I had in that playlist I made a long time ago (last summer). Soooooo....I want Saturday to come soooooo bad! I can't even sleep! I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't fall back to sleep for at least 2 hours! Ummm not a good thing. I wrote on his wall today. I just wanted to write something cute just because. I said "ready to get shipwrecked? only 3 more days...get excited!" I'm such a dork, but I thought it was cute. I wanted to post it last night, but wasn't sure it was such a good idea, it being Valentine's Day...so with mom's advice, I waited until today. It literally took me forever to hit that "post" button. I was so nervous, wondering if I should even do that. Yeah, and I asked my mom if I should do it at all. She thought it was cute, but definitely to wait until today. I wonder if he's gonna say something back. I was going to call him and talk to him about what to wear, but I decided I'm going to wait until tomorrow, since I posted that thing today. Don't want to overwhelm him or think I'm wanting much more, or just plain don't want to scare him off. And god am I worried about that. More than I have ever been. Not because I like him more than any other guy--heck, I don't even know if I like-like him, I've just got a physical thing going right now--it's just that, I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, do something to make them go away just like that. Whether it's something I say or do, even if I do not even realize it, that's it. And goodbye--never to hear from them again. It's just sooooo hard. I hate how it's so complicated and this stupid game. Why I really didn't call him tonight? Because I chickened out. What if he doesn't want to go with me anymore? That would absolutely CRUSH me. I can see it happening though. I don't know why, but just because that's how everything goes with me. I'm really starting to psych myself out right now. Should I call him now????? That probably wouldn't be a good idea. But why not??? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This is SOOOOOOO stupid! It really is the longest week ever. I'm afraid I'll call him and he'll say he can't go with me anymore and make up some excuse when he just really doesn't want to go with ME. Why? Because it's me! What if he realizes I'm 2 1/2 years older than him, and he didn't know it before--because I haven't said anything, because I don't care. But what if he does and thinks it's too weird??? I am so scared now. I just want to have a good, fun night with a guy I want to go with. STOP THINKING THIS WAY!!! HE IS GOING WITH YOU AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT!!! I think it's too late to call tonight now...ok, so it's only 9:15pm, but who knows what he's doing? I think I'd feel weird calling so late. Maybe he doesn't even know I posted that comment yet. Would he even say anything back? Doubt it. I AM GOING INSANE. This is not fun. I don't want to call and get his voicemail. Because that won't do anything to ease the tension and uneasiness I'm feeling right now. And I'm not talking about calling tonight. But tomorrow. Got to strategically plan out when I'm going to call and what I'm going to say. What am I thinking??? He's not even expecting to hear from me until "later this week" like I told him when I talked to him on Saturday. DUH!! And he'd have to be the BIGGEST JERK in the world to cancel on me in the first place, and secondly, to not call and tell me but leave it until the last minute. Girl, get a grip. If he didn't want to go with you, he never would have said yes. Certainly not "I would love to go with you." But is that what he really said?? I can't remember very well...oh, but I wrote it on here, so he did. I wrote it down when it was fresh in my mind. Yes, I'm rambling. Partly because I have NOTHING to do tonight. Wasting time before I go to sleep. Trying to get myself tired and worn out so I will actually sleep. But with everything going through my head right now, I don't know how sleep will even be possible tonight. Calm has settled in for a second, my mind felt clear for an instant, forgetting all the madness I've been driving myself crazy with. Hmmmmm. Do I feel better now? A little. Got some frustration out. And suddenly it feels as if there's nothing left to say. I think that's a good thing, especially if I'm not talking about that. Thinking about that. But of course I am now because when you say you're not going to think about something, you really are thinking about it. But how can you not? You put the thought at the forefront of your mind. It's there in plain view, so it's hard to ignore. Whoa. If you've ever wanted to get inside my head, this has definitely been your chance. It's only 9:30. Too early to go to bed, yet, nothing to fill the time with. And I don't want to spend anymore time on facebook, because where do I go now instead of Adam's (which, by the way, since I talked about looking that last time, I haven't been back since, and never will, well, never say never, but not for a long time because I don't need to hurt myself like that, especially when I'm feeling so very vulnerable at the moment)?....lost my train of thought after that side remark...oh, yeah...I look at Jason's. One boy has been replaced by another. Not quite the level with Adam, which is a good thing. But still, I want to see if he's on or if he's changed anything or if anyone's said anything to him. Craziness. Just pure craziness. Ok, I think it's time to stop. But I don't want to. But I'm forcing myself. I may be back later. I think I somewhat distracted myself from the aforementioned (sp???) situation. But did I just bring it back up with that thought??? Hmmmmmm.....