Watch my life pass me by, in the rearview mirror

I want to move to Washington, D.C. right now. I've got to get out of this place. I'm so sick of it. Of everything. I don't even care if I don't have a job yet. I want out of here. I've been so miserable lately. So lonely. I want to get out, to be around people. Meet people. But on my terms. I'm so tired of it always being what everyone else wants to do and me going along with it because I have no other choice. If I want to do something, it's maybe some other time, or I've gotta get this or that done, or some other suggestion. Or if there's a good idea to do something that's mine and I want to do it, it won't happen. Like tonight. I don't really want to go out and drink. Ania said she was invited to go to the funstation with some guy friends of hers, and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I said I did, because why not? It sounds like some fun, something different, and I haven't been there since I was in middle school. But no, she ends up not wanting to, and is out somewhere else. Says she's just going to stay home and do laundry, but I should still come over. But I don't want to. I don't want to stay in, and I don't want to go over to her apartment where a bunch of guys are going to be smoking pot and I don't want to smell like it and I don't want to just sit there doing nothing. I want to go out to Cafe Cabernet tomorrow night, since that's the night when all the college people go. I want to ask Ania, but I'm afraid. Why am I afraid? Because I know she'll say no. Or make up some excuse, like that she has class the next day. At 11am. Give me a fucking break. I've gone out plenty of nights, gotten completely wasted, and then woken up before 8am to go to class or work. There's no excuse for it. And it doesn't even have to be that way. I'm actually not really interested in drinking so much right now. And not that often. I just want to get out and been seen by people, particularly guys. I'm falling back into my old ways, and I don't want to. There's just no one to do anything with. So how will that change if I move? My problems will still be with me, but I will force myself to change. I've become lazy, and I'm sick of trying here. I've tried so hard, I just want to give up. It hasn't worked, and I'm tired of always being the one. The one to call. The one to feel like a complete idiot because she doesn't have any friends, and it's so obvious I don't. I want roommates. A couple of cool girls who like to go out. A few who will be my best friends. I see other people that have it. And I'm sooooo jealous, because it's what I want. It's all I've ever wanted. And I'm sick of regretting so many things about my past, and what I might miss in my future, or even today. I know, it doesn't make sense. I'm complaining, when I can go hang out with Ania. If she calls. Because I'm not calling her again. But I'm so tired of her calling all the shots, always running things on her terms. I don't know why I keep calling her my best friend. Because she hasn't acted like it in a very long time. And I don't feel like going somewhere where I'm going to be called out as being so quiet and why don't you talk. I don't feel like I can grow anymore here. It's only hindering me. I need someplace where I can feel like I can accomplish something, do something important, or at least fun. I need a city. With things to do. With lots of people. Where I can have the best time of my life. Because I don't think college was it.