I just want to scream and lose control

I just can't seem to figure out what I want. And it's so frustrating. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm a complete mess. But then, when I'm feeling calm again, I just blame it on me overreacting. Sometimes I think I am, but am I really? These feelings come from somewhere inside of me where I'm feeling unsettled, unhappy. Maybe I'm afraid of change, which is why I keep saying that I don't really mean those things. I keep trying to convince myself that it's not so bad after all, but then I succumb to those breakdowns. Emotions that are not just coming out of nowhere. Part of me really does want to move away to a big city or travel around the world. But the thing that keeps me from it is doing it on my own. Being alone. It's not that I'm afraid of doing it on my own, but the fact that I'd be alone. And I'm tired of always being by myself and not sharing some experience with someone. And I'm not necessarily talking about a guy, but a friend as well. I had a big cry about this Saturday night. After I didn't get to go out after all. All I want is to be happy--no, content--with my life. That's something I continue to struggle with each day. Including today.