And I know I'll never change my ways if I don't give you a no

Watching Everwood tonight made me wish I had waited. I don't regret what I did, but I wish I was able to share myself with someone that I truly loved, and who loved me back. I may never be able to get that first time back, but I can still experience what I thought I was waiting for for so long. It just may take awhile, and I can't make any promises. I do know that I don't want it to be meaningless again. Never, ever, will go back to Adam. I know I've said that a million times, and I definitely have broken that promise, but where does it get me? I was actually thinking about writing him an email the other night (after I'd had a few drinks, of course). But I sobered up real quick, and luckily I went with my instincts and DID NOT make that mistake. I'm so glad I came to my senses. It's this kind of stuff that I need to rid my life of. I've got the memories, and that's all that's left. There is no future with him. No point in wasting my dreams on him anymore. I'm just afraid that one day if--and this is a HUGE if--he calls and wants to see me, or I run into him somewhere, that I won't be able to resist. I don't want to be weak, be I fear that's what will happen. But deep in my heart, and especially in my head, I DO NOT WANT IT TO. It's only for the best--to keep my sanity intact. I'll never break the cycle if I don't just start telling myself no. No when my mind starts wandering back to him. No when I start thinking I want to see him. Only a long, long time from now will I safely be able to reminisce. Until then, there's a huge danger in doing so. I get stuck, and I end up not wanting to move on, when I know that's what I really want to do. I want to stop the madness that he's caused within me. Too much heartache lies within everything "Adam." He's caused me enough pain. Actually, I've caused myself most of the pain by continuously going back to him, whether in person or in memory. Truthfully, I feel numb to emotions right now. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced. I don't know whether it's from the medication I've been on (which I will hopefully be able to get off of soon), or if it's because I'm actually fully content and happy with myself and my life, and there's no serious drama to get in the way. I don't feel like I'm "happy" happy, but I'm definitely not sad. I'm just kind of "there." Not in a bad place, but one lacking emotion. The only thing that's really bothering me right now is my body image. Due to being sick, I have gained some weight. It's really probably only a couple of pounds, and I'm sure no one else can tell, but I certainly can. It's been forever since I felt so inadequate and insecure about my body. I just cannot wait until I can get back into my workout routine. It's all I want right now. I was just so fit, and I loved the way I looked, and most of all, how I felt. It's just really discouraging when you can't really fit very well into a pair of jeans that you wore just a couple months ago. But I've got to stay positive about it. I'm going to lose this excess weight once I become active again. But until then, I feel so helpless. I want to do so much, but my body won't let me. I've been taken hostage by this energy-stealing virus that just won't go away. I really don't know how I'm going to deal when school starts. I don't know if I'll be better by then. I'm just sick of being so tired all the time. Today was not a good day in that area. I felt weak and drained. That is the story of my life lately.