'cause the loving ain't the same

I don't know why I fall for it everytime. But I do. EVERY SINGLE TIME. And I can only blame myself for these tears that I'm crying right now. I never heard from him tonight. But that was expected. Wasn't it? It wasn't the scenario I wanted, but I ultimately knew that's what would end up happening tonight. Time wasted. Too much time wasted doing absolutely nothing. Sometimes I just wish there was a fast-forward button, so I could get rid of all this waiting. Not to skip (sorry, I did not want to use that word AT ALL, but there was no other I could think of) parts of my life, just the waiting for stupid guys to call you back. Or to call you at all. I got soooooo excited today. So excited. I was so happy that I was probably going to be seeing him tonight. He actually wanted to spend time with me still! And it was him who made the effort this time! Some effort. He better have a damn good excuse. Am I overreacting? Duh, of course I am. But that's just me. I can't help it. I try to ignore all this bullshit and accept it for what it's worth (he IS a guy afterall), but when you put everything on hold for someone, it's easy to lose your cool. Not that I had any plans in the first place, but I COULD have made some. I could have done something with Meredith. But no, I thought that I was doing something with Skip (because he oh so kindly sent me that false-sense of hope in a dumbass text message), so that's what I based my night around: waiting for his fucking phone call. I DO IT EVERYTIME, FOR EVERY GUY THAT I LIKE. You think that I would've learned by now that they're just empty promises. And there are times where I thought I had. But yet, after you haven't talked to them or heard from them in a while, the hope begins to soar once again. It goes from extreme high (when you first meet them), to extreme low (when you don't talk for a bit and you think things could be over already), to extreme high (when they finally make contact again and want to see you!), to extreme low (when they break their word). And it goes on and on and on. Yet I never learn. I was doing things so differently this time, too. The only real mistake that I think I made was calling him drunk on Sunday night. But that was just a fun drunken phone call. Nothing to scare him away, especially since he called me drunk once, too (the first time he called me, but it was to say he was thinking about me). Yeah, he's thinking about me so fucking much lately. IT HURTS. IT HURTS, IT HURTS, IT HURTS SOOOOOOOOO MUCH. I can't go without my medication. I'm not ready for it. Not that it would help in this situation, since my emotions concerning guys overrides any benefit it does me. I just wish more than anything right now he would call me. Please. Pretty, pretty please. I'm begging you: just call me. Do this for me. Apologize for not calling earlier. I don't care. Just do it. I'm honestly happy with just hanging out with you, doing what we've been doing. As long as we keep seeing each other, that's all that matters. That's all I need right now. Just to see you again. For you to want to see me. And I thought that's what you wanted today.