I'll keep you my dirty little secret...

I was actually thinking about working out for a second time today. Just for like 15 minutes. But still. And I was also thinking about doing 15 minutes in the morning and then having my regular workout in the afternoon. This is really starting to scare me...do I really hate my body that much? I do sometimes, and I was when I was actually thinking about doing this. But I decided it would be best if I didn't because I already had a decent workout today, and I don't need to workout again. I'M NOT FAT. SO WHY DO I KEEP THINKING THESE THINGS??? I was so close to becoming a crazed-workout person...I'm on the verge of something very scary--I just know I am. Ever since the mono has screwed me up...I keep saying it's the mono. But is it really? Yes, it played a really huge role--I wasn't able to workout for sooo long after working out every single day. But now I'm getting back on track, except it's different this time. It's not controlling me like it used to. Or like I controlled myself with it. I give myself breaks (and I at least try and convince myself as best as I can that it's ok to do so). I'm letting myself indulge in foods every now and then that I wouldn't let myself eat (mainly because I didn't have a desire to do so). I still don't have much of a desire, but I'm learning that it's ok every once in a while. Or am I? Because everytime I have a piece of birthday cake or a some ice cream (it's not often at all), I have to keep repeating to myself that it's ok, you're not going to gain any weight from this. It's one time. IT'S ONLY ONE TIME. BUT WHY DO I FEEL SO GUILTY STILL??? Take yesterday...granted, I was a little drunk, but I ate so much food (well, more than I normally do at least). Actually, it wasn't that much...it's Ania's potato salad that's getting to me. It's something that I actually don't like, nor ever even had tried until I had some of hers. Yesterday I didn't really have a problem with eating it at all, justifying it as my treat. But in combination with a lot of beer (95 calories each, and who knows how much I drank), I feel really disgusted about it now. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and I like what I see and don't have a problem. But then again, like how I feel right now, I feel absolutely disgusting. There's no way that I can fit into those jeans right now, and I'm not even going to try because I'd start crying. But that's a stupid way to judge because they're a pair of jeans, and every single pair of jeans I own fits me differently, and one size in one brand might be too big or vice-versa. I can't remember the last time I felt this way about myself. The unhappiness with my life is gone, but it's just been replaced by this horrible body-image I have of myself right now. It's the (small, but nonetheless) weight gain. Probably around 5 pounds, but you have to understand that it's been over 2 years since I've had this much fat on me! Everyone would look at me like I'm crazy and say, what fat?? I KNOW!!! SO WHY CAN'T I SEE THAT MYSELF?? Why do I constantly find myself in this battle with myself? One minute I like it, then another I hate it. This is really not good at all. And the thing is, I know it's for the better (having gained some weight). I used to fluctaute between 98-102 pounds just 7-8 months ago...it's since I started drinking and then it was definitely the mono and it's freaking 4-5 month recovery...I'm still not even sure if I'm 100% better yet. It just really messed me up...I was doing so well, then I just saw my body change, even as slight as it was, it seems like a huge difference to me. Whereas I never used to compare myself to anyone, I am now constantly looking around at other girls and being like how can they stay that small when they're out and they drink a lot, and how come I can't?? No, I know I can, it's just been getting back to my exercise intensity level--it was sooo high before...I was running 5 miles in under 40 minutes! I haven't been able to do that yet...at least I haven't tried. Maybe I'll try doing that tomorrow, or at least get as close to it as I can, and maybe it will help boost my self-image. But if I don't, will I be disappointed in myself??? It's just a never ending cycle that just keeps speeding up faster and faster...pretty soon I might fly off if I don't start slowing down.