I'm holding on but letting go of you

I just had one of those moments where I just got in touch with a long lost friend....it really made my day to have found her, because I think about her every now and then and wonder how she is doing, but don't know how to get in contact with her. So this is good news. I was up at 5:30 this morning painting, because I could not sleep. So rather than continue tossing and turning, I decided to get up for an hour or so and work on a project and then eat and go back to sleep. That's exactly what I did, too. There's just sooo many things that would not stop running through my mind. It didn't help that I woke up at around 3:30 am, too, and decided to get on the computer. Checked facebook, of course...and may have stumbled onto something that I did not, nor do I ever care to know about because it'd hurt way too much. Why it hurts, is beyond me, because this person is a COMPLETE JERK and I do NOT WANT HIM, but because of the history and who it is, it will hurt. It was only a matter of time if I think it was about what I think it is, but I never wanted to think about it. So I deleted a few things and decided that it's not necessary to keep him in my life like I have been. He should have been gone long, long ago, but I never wanted to fully let go. Of course, I don't believe that is completely possible, because they will always be a part of you in some aspect, some way, but I've become unecessarily obsessive this past week. Thank goodness I remained strong and didn't follow through with any of my stupid ideas I had. And I never backed down (at least to him, but I was certainly thinking it), so it shows that I do not want him anymore to him. That's the most important thing, because I honestly don't. I want the IDEA of him. Without all the qualitites and things he did that made him a jerk. I wanted what I couldn't have. That's simply it. No, I'm definitely not going to hate myself in the morning over one night with this guy ever, nor any other guy from my past. They've proved to me they're not worth it. I AM WORTH IT. Every single bit. Occassionally, I'll think about sending Matt a message just to say hi and see how he was doing, but then I think, why??? Uh, I haven't heard from him, so clearly he doesn't want to hear from me. It's pointless, and would only leave me with disappointment, or worse, it would lead me on and give me false hope. That's something I don't need any more of. I actually don't even want to look at his profile, especially right now. I don't want to come across something that will make me sad or hurt. Plus, he just disgusts me at the moment. I have no desire whatsoever. I was thinking about making a bet with myself--see how long I could go. But then I realized that'd do no good; it'd be just like a very strict diet where when you're forbidden to have something you want so bad, you just want it even more and then go over board with it. I'll "indulge" occasionally, when I feel like it, instead of banning myself from something that will just end up driving me crazy. But right now, I'm glad he's gone, and I'm glad I've finally decided to myself that I'm done with him.