All I want for Christmas is....you!

What is it with me lately? Today was another day where I came so incredibly close, no dangerously close is more like it, to making a suggestion to someone...hmmm, and I wonder what that could be about...but I didn't. All day though, ALL DAY, it's been on my mind. One thing, and one thing only. And with one person only! At the height of it, I was about to write him a facebook message. But then when reality got a hold of me, there was NO WAY I could ever go through with it. For one, it'd look like I wanted him. Two, it would look like I wanted to do that with him, when I really just wanted it. Three, I'd seem desperate, and there's the risk of him rejecting me, like I did to him the last time. And I could never face him again if I did that. Plus, there's the embarassment of realizing how stupid I was after I sent it and wished I hadn't. And I kinda like having the last word with us: being the one who showed him I didn't WANT him like that. Rejecting him that night was one of the most empowering feelings I've had when it comes to him. No, I do not want to sleep with you, and why do you assume I will?? Sorry, you can beg all you want, but it's not going to happen. But it's funny now how I want it so bad, I was about to make myself look sooo pathetic. But I didn't and I haven't and I won't. As long as I keep his number away, and don't send any messages, I'm good. The funny thing is, I actually thought that's all it could be: just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. Not wanting anything from him. Well, that's pretty much because that's what I'd get for it: nothing. That's Adam. And that's us. I wasn't expecting anything, because I knew there'd be nothing there. Maybe that's why I thought I could do it: I knew exactly what I was getting into. But how much would I be settling and letting myself down??? SOOOOO MUCH! I want to wait for someone who's worth it, not someone who only wants me for sex. Why would I even think about doing that to myself? I guess maybe because I'm feeling a little lonely? Could be. I'm definitely in a drought. It's been probably 6 weeks since I've kissed a guy, and it was a month before that. Where's all the guys this semester? There have been, let's see, 3 guys this semster. Only 3! How many were there last semster? Too many too count! I kissed way more guys this summer than I have in the past 3 months! And I was sick with mono the majority of the time! I mean, who needs sex...I don't...I just want to makeout. And cuddle. That's really all I want.