Cause perfect never felt so perfect

I don't know what it is, but it must be something to do with the holidays. I just feel so incredibly lonely right now. And it's not just the lonely in the sense that I wish I had a boyfriend (I mean, I do, but it's more than that). It's just an all-around lonesome feeling. Ania jokes around sometimes, and I know she doesn't mean anything bad by it or to hurt me, and it really doesn't bother me until times like these, but there really are only two people that call me: my mom and Ania. That's it. I don't know why I'm always looking at my phone to see who's called, or more like, who hasn't, because there's nobody else to call me. And that's the problem. Especially when I want to do things when Ania's busy or doesn't want to do anything. There's no one for me to call, either. At least, no one I feel like making the effort with anymore. I'm sick of it. I understand in the beginning of a friendship, that might be how it is. But after a certain point, it gets annoying, and discouraging because you feel like they don't want to hang out with you in the first place unless you end up calling, or I'll end up tagging along or something. Where this is coming from, is somewhere deep inside me, because it hasn't happened to me recently or anything. It reminds me of the summer big time. And middle semester last year right before I met Ania. I love Ania to death, and wouldn't trade her for the world--she's my best friend--but I can't always rely on her, because she won't always be there. And I shouldn't have to end up staying home and not doing anything just because she's not available. It definitely has happened this semester. There are just things that I want to do, to experience, but it's just so hard to do them because I don't want to do them alone. So I don't end up doing them because I don't have anyone there to do them with me. I just want to go out. My time is limited. I think that's part of it now. Subconsciously, it's starting to hit me--graduating in the Spring--and all the things I want to do and experience, well the time is running out. And I feel I'm even more rushed than ever because I wasted so much time in the past. I had so many plans for this semester. It hasn't turned out bad at all, and I've had a lot of fun. But there was more I wanted to do, but as usually, I don't end up following through. It's that stupid potential of mine that's just waiting for the push to let that ball roll down the hill. And it's not just about going out and drinking. I honestly can't do it all the time, both mentally and physically. But I want people to just hang out with and do nothing with. I do that a lot with Ania, but not as much as I'd like. That's partly my fault, as I tend not to want to stay up too late when I have class the next day if I don't have to. But maybe that's just what I need to do. That's like tonight, where I could have gone to the library to study with Ania. I'm not a fan of the library to study...I need my privacy and complete silence and no one around so I can talk out loud when I study (which is the best way for me). But I probably could have sucked it up and gone. But it was raining. And it's cold. And I was tired. And I didn't want to have to drive all the 10 minutes there and find stupid parking. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I sure do make a lot of them. Here I am, so sad and worried about not having time before the semester ends, and I could have been doing something. And it's what I ultimately want to do: just to get myself out there and be seen, that hey, I'm alive, look at me. Not for anyone in particular; quite the opposite really. To find new people, ok, mainly guys. But how else are you supposed to do it?? If no one sees me, then I can't meet anyone. Not that I'd end up meeting anyone anyways, but it's just getting myself out there. That's what I've been trying to do all along. Maybe I need to move away somewhere, be on my own again. Scary thought, definitely. But I let fear rule my life, my decisions. There are so many things, so many opportunities that I've missed and could have done had I not been so scared or thought I couldn't do it. It's time to stop being so afraid, because really, what is there to be afraid of? I want to go active in KD in the spring. At least part of me wants to. But I have so many reservations. One, I don't know if I can aford it (it's a ridiculous $2000! most of it is for the meal plan, which is a HUGE turnoff because I'm very picky about what I eat, both in general and for health reasons). Two, and this is also a very big concern of mine: making friends. Sure, I know some faces, and some names, and some girls very superficially by this point (it's those that actually remember me from when I transferred last fall...ok, so facebook helps, too). And it's not about having tons of them. I'd just like one or two girls who want to hang out with me, people that will call me and invite me to do things, instead of the other way around. That's my biggest fear about the whole situation. I know I'll regret it if I don't do it, because I've come to miss it, especially since Ania joined a sorority this year and living it through her. And I've grown so much since I first transferred. But I just don't know if I'll be able to fit in, or find some friends. I never felt like I fit in in the first place, and I'm afraid I'll end up hating it again and being absolutely miserable. And it wouldn't be a cheap thing to find out. It's just been on my mind the past couple days, and it's weighing very heavily with me. It's not causing stress like it once did, but it's definitely causing some anxiety. I just don't know what to do.