Then I go and realize what in the world am I thinking?? No. Just simply no. way. He makes me feel so incredibly dumb. He doesn't CARE about me. He doesn't THINK about me. So WHY would I want HIM??? And the answer is I know I really don't. I just want what I can't have. And because I'm lonely and I would settle for a jerk like him. No I wouldn't. I WILL NOT. Not EVER. I'm waiting for someone MUCH better. 100% better. And he will come across my path eventually. Why were we supposed to meet? So he could show me exactly what I DON'T WANT. And why I shouldn't settle for a complete loser like he is. Because a winner will not treat me like he has.
I'm so, so, so lonely. The holidays are the worst time of year for loneliness. There goes selfish me again...I don't know what lonely is...not compared to my brother's friend's parents. It will be a year ago in about an hour that he was killed in a car crash. Last year was not a happy Christmas. I don't want to make it another one. So I can choose to go one way or another. I can choose to be happy, or I can choose to be miserable and depressed. I did see my good friends tonight, which is a happy note. But I want a boyfriend. That's a sad note, because there's no one that cares for me. I don't know if I can believe that there is one person out there for me right now. I'm not looking at marraige, nor am I looking to find the love of my life (well, ok, I am, but I'm not). I just want a relationship with someone who loves me and cares about me and wants to be with me. Who wants to be with me?? NO ONE. No one ever has. They haven't stayed. Or they cheat on me (but thankfully that made me reevaluate that situation, and get me out of something that I really didn't want to be in in the first place). Your time will come, they say. Stop looking, and it'll happen. Well FUCK that. I've been listening to that my whole freaking life--since I've reached "dating age" and nothing has happened. Not until this freaking year alone!! And what has happened??? Nothing but complete heartbreak and disappointment. I better be getting it all out of the way now. But I'm not. Maybe I'm just one of those people destined to be alone. Or won't find someone until they're 35, which completely sucks. All I want is to have a boyfriend of more than a month (which you can't really get much accomplished in a month) before I graduate college. Frankly, I will not be meeting the love of my life here, nor any future possibilities for husbands. Guys here suck. All they want is to hookup, and that's it. But that's guys everywhere. Especially college guys. Why do the ones that don't want anything find me?? Yeah, and New Years is gonna suck, too. Not only will I not have someone to kiss at midnight, but I will be at home, crying and depressed, because as of now, I have no plans. But that's not because I can't figure out what I want to do. It's because there's NO ONE TO DO ANYTHING WITH. That's what I want for Christmas. Friends. For New Years especially. Just give me someone to go out with and get drunk with, and I'll be happy (well, I've got to approve...I do have standards). Why is it like this for me?? I don't deserve this.
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