If it's alright, I'll stay until it's later until you tell me that it's time that we moved on

Christmas just doesn't seem the same anymore. Not since I started picking out my presents, which started about 2 years ago. The same goes for birthdays, but that's another story. It's good in that you get exactly what you want since you picked it out, but it takes all the surprise out when opening presents on Christmas morning. I guess I feel guilty, too. For wanting things. For getting some of the things that I want, more specifically. Especially when I know I don't need it or shouldn't get it because money is tight. And how bad is this: I need work/business clothes for my internship in the spring, but I don't want it to be a part of my present. Do I feel horrible or what when my mom says she needs more to wrap up, or asks if she can wrap up a pair of pants or dress shirts. I can be so selfish. But I haven't asked for anything because there's nothing that I really, really want. Nothing that I can't live without. I should be thinking about the future. Spring break, for one. I want to go somewhere, but that's gonna cost money. And I'm doing the sorority again. There goes $2000. And graduation...I can't even mention that I want to go to Europe or travel. It's not going to happen because there's no way I can afford it. Part of my guilt comes from the fact that I don't have a job, nor have I ever had a job. So no income to contribute. During the school year, that's understandable. But I've wasted every summer doing absolutely nothing. And I'm not just talking about not working. I mean not doing anything like studying abroad, which I kinda wish I had done. I feel a little jealous when I hear people are doing that or have done it. I've just been lost. I haven't known what to do, and cannot seem to figure it out. And I'm still pretty lost. What in the world am I going to do after graduation? Obviously get a job, but doing what?? I absolutely HATE it when people ask me what I'm going to do. I know they're just being polite or curious, but it's annoying because I don't have an answer other than I don't know. I definitely know it's not school. I probably should, but I just cannot do it. Mentally, physically...I'm just drained. I've killed myself working so hard for nothing ever since high school. It's time for a break. To move onto something new and different. I just hate how I'm going to waste another 3 weeks doing nothing again. Especially since I'm going to spend it pretty much alone. AHHHHH there I go again, choking back the urge to cry. Why do I do this to myself???? It's a mystery. One that I don't think I'm ever going to figure out.