and I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

Why can't I get him out of my head? Why??? Why am I always thinking about him? I should be moving on. I need to move on. I sent him a message on facebook today just wondering how his weekend was going and wished him good luck on his exams. It was actually Ania's idea because I wasn't going to talk to him or anything unless he did first. But who knows when or if that would've ever happened. Told her the story about how he called last week on the way home from the airport and how we'd been messaging back and forth...said at least we were making some progress. But I shouldn't get any more involved. I don't have time for him to occupy my mind this week. Too much unwanted studying to do. But I'm not gonna stress myself out. Just going to take it one day at a time and do what I can. I'm not nearly as worried as I have been. I think it's because I know what to expect, unlike midterms. And I'm in a very good position grades-wise, so I only have to get a minimum...and if I slip a letter grade (from an A), it's no big deal, because it's not worth compromising my sanity to achieve that stupid symbol that has haunted me my entire life. Sad news...Ania won't be here this summer after all...but it's not going to stop me from going out because I'll find people (Matt! and Amanda, too) to go out with. It's not going to be a boring summer spent alone. I'm gonna find someone. I know it can happen. It will happen. I'll make it. I've so far accomplished all of my goals when I've been out of getting a really cute guy that I want...but it's hard when there's someone in the back of your mind that's always there and no matter how hard you try, he's still there. Because I still have feelings for him. There's still something about him that I'm drawn to. Maybe it's just the illusion of what I wanted to have with him. Maybe it's because he did care at one point. Maybe it's because I know he still likes me and there's still a possibility for us...potentially. What am I doing? He ONCE MAY HAVE cared. Only a POSSIBILITY. And that's good enough? Why have I lowered my standards? Why am I waiting around for someone to eventually come to their senses, who may actually never do so because they didn't realize what they had and what an amazing and beautiful girl wanted to be with them for some stupid selfish reason? It's because I'm lonely. And I want someone. And I almost had him. Now I can't have him. I want something I can't have. But I never really had it. I've gotta let it go. But it's so incredibly hard. And painful. The thought of him with someone else just kills me. I want to know why. But there's no use in asking because what good would that do? What would it change? It'd just make me question myself, to doubt myself, to make myself feel so sad and depressed. Why is he playing games like this with me? Doesn't he realize that what he's doing is completely tearing my heart apart? I want to see him, to talk to him...yet, I don't want to because I know I'll get my hopes up (even though I tell myself I won't and try not to), and then when nothing happens, it's the same cycle all over again. I keep letting myself go back. I've got to stop it. He clearly doesn't feel the same way I do. I never meant to feel this way. It just happened. Sometimes it just does. He was just everything I thought I wanted. I just don't understand...I mean, he was the one who chose me in the first place! Of course, I didn't have to accept, but this time it was right and I wanted to...he just came along out of the blue...and noticed me. ME. Not any other girl. But me. So where the hell is he??? If he didn't have any intentions of wanting to date me, he should've never asked me out...I guess it's not fair to say that though. But it wasn't fair of him to lead me on. And to still lead me on. Why did he want to call me again after I saw him that night? What were his intentions? I should've found out. Given him an ultimatum? That probably wouldn't have been the best idea. But to get some sort of gauge where he wanted to go, well that would have been nice. This is exactly everything I know I shouldn't be doing right now. Wasting my time on him. When I mean absolutely nothing to him.