If I could be your first real heartache

I don't know why I ever believed it. Why am I so stupid? Why am I doing this to myself? I don't blame him. Because there's no one to blame but myself. I'm the one who got my hopes up. I'm the one that actually believed he wanted me again. But he obviously doesn't. Because if he did, he'd want to spend time with me. And call me to talk to me. Instead, he only calls when HE feels like it. If he even calls at all. Everything's on his terms. It's not fair. That's not the way it's supposed to work. I'm apparently his absolute last priority. Dead last. Because if I wasn't, things would not be as they are. He's always on my mind. I can't escape it. I know I'm not on his mind. Why did he call again? I was perfectly fine knowing that he wouldn't actually call. But then he did. And when I called him, it was deja-vu all over again. Voicemail is all I would get. No one picking up on the other line. Just leave a message and I'll call back. Yeah, right. Only when he feels like it. Did you call me earlier? Oh, why yes I did. And it took you this freaking long to call me back? What are you doing that is so important that you can't take the time to call someone back for 2 minutes, if it even takes that long? Because I would call back as soon as I saw that I had a call. It's only the polite thing to do. It's just so incredibly rude. All I'm asking for is a simple phone call. But I'm not calling ever again. I'm sick of being let down. I'm just setting myself up for disappoinment when I do. Because when he doesn't answer, or I talk to him and he doesn't want to do anything with me, it'll crush me. And I'll be in the exact same place as I started. Hurt and alone. It's not worth it. He's SO not worth it. Because if I was truly worth it to him, there'd be absolutely no reason for me to be writing this or to be feeling this way. What did he expect me to do? Drop everything for him? Devote myself to him? Like last time? Look where that got me! And he isn't willing to do the same for me. Never was. Never will. Because if you really care about someone, then you won't ever treat them this way. Ever.