cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do

I want to keep writing. In a way I'm stalling...using up time so I don't have to study. But this also just feels so good. Because I'm letting myself get down for no good reason. Over a STUPID GUY!!! I want this week to be over. I wish it would never start. But then that would just keep putting it off and would make things worse. I wish this week would just magically disappear. If it weren't for exams, I'd be perfectly fine. Actually, I don't want it to end. I want the classes to, but not everything else. I don't want Ania to go home. I don't want Adam to go home. But maybe that's what I need. For him to finally not be here. Because I know that while he is here, there's the chance that he'll call and want to hang out with me...but if he's home, then I know there's no chance at all that would happen. And I could finally say that it was over. Except that there's next year. But I'm going to have a someone by then. I'm going to be with someone. Not him. Because he's not worthy of me. I deserve 100 time better than him. Ania thinks I can definitely do better. But I like him. Unfortunately. I'm not settling, believe me, because if someone else came along today that was totally and completely crazy about me and I was attracted back, then I would forget about Adam. Except I really wouldn't. He'd still be there. No matter what though, he always will. There's a special place for him...no matter how much it hurts. It'll ease with time, but right now it's like an open wound that just cannot heal. That won't heal. That doesn't want to heal. I keep reinjuring it everytime I think about him. Everytime I want to call him. When in the rare instances he calls. Over and over and over again...I thought it was hilarious when I saw he'd joined a group on facebook for hopeless romantics...umm, sorry, but that just doesn't describe him. At least from what I've witnessed. I definitely qualify for that title, but him...I'm just glad I didn't compromise my values for him...because there was a time, after I saw him that night at the club, I thought about it...but then I snapped out of it and realized that would have just made things a million times worse. There'd be no way for me to forget about him. Ever. And when he didn't call and history repeated itself...I'd be crushed. More than crushed. It'd feel like a thousand knives were stabbing me in my chest. I'd never be the same. And I would've lost something that is so important to me. Something that I don't take lightly at all. Something that I'm waiting to share with the guy I fall in love with...and who falls completely in love with me. I just keep going back and forth--being wrenched in different directions every moment. Most of the time I've been inbetween lately. And I think that's where I'll remain for a while. As long as I don't fall back. Because I can't handle that. What I really want is to move forward. I'll get there...one day.