I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad, but I can't keep something that I never had

He won today. I let him win. It was a moment of weakness, and he got to me. Made me realize what a fool I have been. Never did I intend for this to happen. I thought I was stronger. I am stronger than this. I know it. But I let him take over my life, and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't blame anyone but myself. I was warned. I was intervened. But no...the temptation was way too overpowering for me. And I relapsed. But this time, he didn't hurt me like he did before. Deep down I always expected it. So why did I try to go back? Why did I want to go back? Because he was all I had. It was the illusion of him that I wanted. Not necessarily him himself. But what I thought we had. Wish turns out was really nothing to begin with. I let him call all the shots in the relationship...he only called when HE felt like it. He only wanted to hang out when HE wanted to. But what about me? What about what I want? Is that not important to him? Apparently not. And so why would I want someone like this, who treats me like I'm the last thing on their mind? The truth is, I don't want someone like this. But these characteristics were taking a back seat to everything I thought he was. Turns out he wasn't what I wanted. I will find what I want. Eventually. It will happen. But I'm sick of waiting.