I looked away and then I looked back at you

Today, I could have been very disappointed in myself. I was on the verge of doing something very stupid last night. Of course, my drunken self wanted to. But she doesn't know any better and was only acting on her urges with very impaired judgment. Deep down, I knew it wasn't something that I should do. That I really wanted to do. It would have been purely a one night stand. I knew it, too. But I was about to go through with it anyways. Thank goodness he got a call from his friend that had been robbed and he had to deal with that. I was disappointed, because I didn't want the night to end with him. But when he came back, the possibility remained. And when he started rubbing my shoulders...if I hadn't gone into the bathroom, I don't know what might have happened. Because when I came out, he was gone. And this time, I was like, thank you! By that point I was so tired and about to pass out anyways. I wasn't in the mood anymore. It really scares me to think that I actually might have had sex with him last night. If I'd never had sex before, I would have had no problem saying no and not taking it if he tried anything more. But now that I have...it's a little harder because part of me really wants to. I know emotionally I cannot partake in casual sex. It's not me. Maybe it could be me one day, but while it is a lot of fun, it's still something special to me. At least that's what I want it to be again. Not just with any guy. Someone who loves me, cares about me, and is there for me. Not just some random guy you dance with and makeout with one night. Hey, some girls, well a lot of girls, can do it. But I'm not like all those girls. There's nothing wrong it, either, because it's a double standard to say that girls who have sex are sluts (even though I've been guilty of saying so before). Women have every right as men to have sexual freedom. I don't want to be one of those people who have tons of partners. I mean, can you say STDs? That's something that I can't forget about, either. It's right up there with my concerns over get pregnant. Drunk sex is all about gratification in the moment...not with how it may make you feel about yourself the next day. Until recently, I used to be very conservative when it came to sex. But now that I've experienced it, my views have liberalized to an extent. But I think that's also about a part of me becoming more comfortable with my sexual side. I still had fun making out with a really hot guy last night. He works at Hollister, too...so I may end up running into him there sometime. And I'm sure I'll see him when I go out with Blake again, which I will be doing. I don't know what it is about me and hooking up with his friends. His friends are just really hot...and the best part is, they think that about me, too!