I need a lover that can give me love that will last always

I've been doing lots and lots and lots of thinking lately...when all you're doing is sleeping and lounging around all day, it's kind of hard not to do. This book I'm reading, called Be Honest, You're Not That into Him Either, is partly to blame. It's actually really good. I like reading these relationship books because it makes me feel like I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who experiences this exact same kind of crap from guys. It's funny, too. Anyways, it's made me think about what I really want in a relationship and from guys. I'm not wasting my time on guys who are only into hooking up (and by this I mean sex, not kissing, because kissing's definitely a differnt story...). I don't want casual, meaningless sex with guys who aren't going to be there the next day. Not that I've done that (well, once, with Adam, but I'll get to that in a minute). I've definitely had the urges this past week (but that's mainly due to the influence of lots of alcohol). And I realized that if I did something like that, that I'd really regret it and probably hate myself for doing it and would be swearing to myself to never do it again. Only to find myself in a similar situation sometime in the future...I don't know what's happened to me--I've had such an attitude change in the past 2 months surrounding sex, and it's really weird. I want to pretend that I don't have feelings and that I can have meaningless sex just for the fun of it, but deep down I know that I can't. I'm not sure why I would even want to, after the views I've held all my life. I guess in a way it's not bad that I've developed a different perspective, but I think I've gone a little overboard. I've become way too over-eager, trying to make up for lost time. And I think it may have something to do with the way it happened in the first place...so fast, so unexpected, so out of the blue with someone I had just met in person. I don't regret it, but I kinda wish it didn't happen that way. But if I really think about it, if it wasn't Chris, it would have been Adam. And that's even scarier, because while I thought I could just brush it off and convince myself on the surface that I didn't care, it did end up affecting me. I already had an emotional connection to Adam, and well, it didn't make it any better. I didn't get really attached like I might have had it happened sooner, but still, I gave a part of myself away. In one night of pure stupidity because all I could think about was that maybe he still likes me, maybe he still wants me. That's why it's so hard for women to "have sex like men" because we always develop some sort of attachment to the guy, no matter how much we don't want to. The book also makes a great point about what are you getting out of these hookups? Probably nothing. So what's the point? It doesn't diss the whole women can have sex with however many guys they like, because it can be ok sometimes and some people can deal with it. But it cautions you to think about what benefits you get from it. And the negatives most likely outweigh the positives. And plus, why choose the mediocre, even bad, when you can have something really great with someone you really like? Which is why I want to wait for someone special, for someone I really care about and who really cares about me. Someone who wants to be in a relationship with me, who will get to know me beforehand and doesn't mind waiting. Because the longer you wait, the more incredible it will be...I think this is the most mature entry I've ever written...Back to what I was saying earlier about Adam, he popped into my head once again this morning. And what I was thinking about would make me a complete hippocrite--I wanted to see him again and, well... So stupid, I know. The "what if" just seems so good, but that's just it--it's only a fantasy. The reality of it would completely suck. And I know that, which is why I immediately scolded myself for thinking such a thing. Idiotically, I also started wondering if I should write him and say hi and just see how he's been. NO!!!! I haven't and I won't. This is my problem--I want to hold on to something I don't--and never did--have. I'm trying to let go, I have been, but he's still go this hold on me. Actually, it's the other way around. I've still got this hold on him. And I refuse to fully let go. It's like I'm barely hanging on, but I'm hanging on nonetheless, knowing full well it's time to give up. Sometimes I just wish I could erase him from my memory. Not everything, just the bad things. The good things would probably be the best to get rid of, because that's what I'm holding onto: the promise of having that again. But I don't want to lose that, because for a time, it made me happy. Well, honestly, for a very brief time it made me happy. Looking back, I realize how much time I wasted waiting for him to call me some nights and to decide whether or not he wanted to do something. And how angry and sad and upset it made me. It was never meant to be. Because if it was, the guy would never have done anything to make me cry, and he never would have left me waiting like that. He would want to spend as much time with me as he could. And that's who I'm looking for. I'm not going to date guys just for the sake of dating, because if I do, I could miss out on someone amazing who's totally worth it. No matter how much I want someone, I'd rather be single and available to meet that person at any moment. I'm not settling for anything less.