and I'll belong to you if you just let me through

Boys are nothing but a disappointment to me. All they do is let me down. How can I trust someone when they say they're going to do something but then don't follow through? It happens every single time. I have no reason to trust them in general. They say one thing, they do another. What they say is not what they mean. Why does this always happen to me? Why do I let myself believe anything they say? Because I know none of it is true. None of it is worth anything. I feel like such a fool. For everything. For every time I let them walk all over me. For every time I cried over one of them. And still cry over them. I'm losing hope. There's no reason to believe otherwise. They never come through when you need them to. I feel so alone. I ditched my friend to try and go to some stupid party. Thought I might have found someone to go with. Said he'd call me back later. Should've known that wouldn't happen. Because it never does. How many times has this happened now? Every single time. And what really makes me sad is that this is what my entire summer is going to be like. Sitting home. Doing nothing. I miss Ania. I wish she was here this summer. I feel so alone. I just want to go out. I've asked people...I've called random people I'm not even really friends with. But to no avail. It's going to be a very long summer if this is how it's going to be. Not optimistic about it at all. Do I really need to be feeling this way? No. But I'm choosing to be. It's my choice to feel sad and pathetic right now. It feels better than being happy. Because there's nothing to be happy about for the moment. I miss him so much. Why did he have to hurt me like this? Why do I have to feel this way about him? Why can't I just get over him. Let him vanish from my memory. But I don't want him to. I like the memories I have. But they make me sad sometimes. Sometimes they make me smile. I let myself fall too easily. And it's not easy to pick myself up again. Especially when it feels like your heart has been torn in a thousand pieces...when it never was really whole to begin with. On a good day I'm over him. Or at least I'm at peace with the situation. Today is a bad day. A day I've chosen to dwell in self-pity. Not all day. Just this evening since I've been let down once again. Just a simple phone call is all it takes. Even if he didn't want to go tonight...just a call to say so would be so much better than me sitting here left wondering...wondering if he still might call. Me attached to my phone. Something I swore I wouldn't do. But when you're expecting something, it's agonizing to wait for. Every second, every minute seems like an eternity. It never feels as if the moment will come. They worst is when you have nothing to do but wait. I try to occupy myself, but it doesn't always work. I end up just wasting time waiting. And waiting. And waiting. But sometimes it never comes and before you know it, you've spent an entire evening doing nothing but waiting around for a stupid phone call from a stupid boy who could care less about you. Even if he is just a friend. Some friend that leaves you waiting without any explanation. I could've hung out with her too, except for I said I was gonna try and go to this stupid party that I've let ruin my night. Why did he have to call and invite me? I was going to be perfectly content with watching a movie and staying in, hanging out with my friend who I haven't seen in so long. But no....I can't pass up an opportunity to go out and drink. Not anymore. Especially when it involves people I went to highschool with. I guess I want to show off a bit...show people how I'm not the same shy, quiet girl who always studies. Not that that was really me. But it was the me most people saw. And I hated it. Hated it so incredibly much. But now I think I am so pretty and have so much more confidence and want to show people that I'm not that same girl. I want to surprise them, to shock them. Not by doing anything crazy, but just by showing up. Because I have never felt this way about myself before. For the first time in my life I actually can look at myself and say I am absolutely beautiful and believe it. Because I know others do too. Yes, that is very shallow and superficial of me to think of only the way I look. I know it. It's sad. But unfortunately it's something that has always bothered me. The attention I get from guys...I've never gotten it before. The way they look at me...I know I completely blow their minds. I make them look twice. On the way back home tonight, this guy in the car in front of me stuck his head out the window to look back at me...at least twice. And I had my hair back in a bun, wet and sticky with gel in preparation for possibly going out tonight (how I curl my hair). I was like, what an idiot, and stop staring at me...Couldn't really tell if the guy was cute...but then I was like, wow...that guy stuck his head out his window just to have a look at me. When did that ever happen before? I'm no longer feeling that feeling of inferiority I used to feel. Well, at least not nearly as much. Every now and then it resurfaces. But I know that cute guy walking past me--I know that I might have a shot. And I keep my head up and don't look down at the ground like I'm no good and there's no way I'm pretty enough for him. I feel very narcissistic right now. I don't like talking about myself in this way. I feel weird. I feel like I shouldn't because it's very selfish and self-centered. And I feel like I might hurt peoples' feelings because I know if I hear people doing what I'm doing, I'd feel the same way. But I'm not doing it to brag, because that's just not how I am. It's a huge step for me to be able to feel this way about myself. Because even though people always tell you you're beautiful the way you are, blah blah blah...I never could believe it. Until now. And that's one self-revelation that makes me feel absolutely amazing. Even amidst the bad mood I'm in. Because actually, I forgot about it for a few minutes. And that was nice. And now back to the reality of it. It's 10:38pm. Let's face it. He's not gonna call. But I don't want to wash off my makeup or mess up my hair just yet. Because there's still that little voice in my head that's telling me to wait just a little bit longer, because he still might actually call...but then there's the other voice saying, there's no point. You know it'll never happen. But as soon as I do, he might call, and it would've been a waste to take everything off...but still...it's a waste either way. Because I'm not gonna hear from him and I'll just end up going to bed. What an evening. Another day gone to waste. But it's all my fault.