How can i put it? You put me on

I wish I hadn't been going through the huge pile of newspapers sitting on the dining room chair today, then I never would have found an old issue of the FSView from last week. And I wouldn't have wanted to look through it. But I did. And I looked through it. Only to find one of those "thank you" things after some group has had a social. I always look through the list of names to see if I know anyone. And there it was: the very first name on the list. This just makes it 100 time worse. It was bad enough that he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. But now, I know it's because he probably found someone else. And it hurts to find this out. It hurts so bad. I should have known better. I could never get a guy like him to stay with me. He was too good looking for me, because I didn't measure up at all. He can get any girl he wants, easily. Me on the other hand, it's taken 21 years for a guy like him to even notice me. Why did this have to happen to me? It's going so well for Amy and Vanessa and Amanda was in a relationship for 2 years with her first boyfriend. And I still haven't ever had a boyfriend. No one wants to be with me. What is wrong with me? What is it about me that just repels guys away? I'm not doing to well at the moment. I'm doing everything I know i shouldn't--blaming myself. But it's gotta have something to do with me. It can't always be just them. There's just something that they don't like. I wanted to go out tonight. Just to get out. But I don't want to see a movie because I'm sick of seeing movies. That's all I ever do if I go anywhere. Not that it's a bad thing all the time. But lately, that's all I feel like I've been doing. I asked my sister to do something with me. But I got into a fight with her just now because she doesn't want to do anything, especially since I can't exactly figure out what I want to do. I want to go somewhere where I have a chance to meet someone. I know it's spring break and most people are away, but I need to get out. I want to go out so bad, but I just can't find anyone who wants to go out with me. I want what I thought I had so bad. It's all I've wanted for so long. Since 5th grade, when everyone started "going out," I've wanted it. I've felt so left out ever since. And I still feel incredibly left out. I just want someone to feel the same way I feel about them. I'm reacting way too much to this. But for some reason or another, I invested way too much of myself this time. It hurts just so incredibly much. I thought I was slowly getting over it, and I wouldn't have relapsed like this, but I saw his stupid name in that ad. I just saw it and it immediately just pierced straight into my heart. I just feel like such an idiot. How could I have ever thought that it could possibly ever happen for me? It just doesn't work that way. It never has. And it never will.