i'm coming out of my cage and i've been doing just fine

So, I've been pretty much wasting my evening on doing nothing but fooling around on my computer. I got out my webcam that I forgot I got free from signing up for cable when we moved in and hooked it up. Been playing with that for the past half hour taking pictures and making a few videos. My day was so relaxing. I'm not stressed about school at all right now. Not even really thinking about it. It was an absolutely gorgeous day outside--not a cloud in the sky. It was too hard to resist not being outdoors on a day like this, so I layed out in the sun for awhile. I unfortunately had to be in my front yard because the sun gets hidden behind the house around back. I felt like I was on display for the world. Luckily, being at the end of the street means not a lot of cars going by. Except, there are these new trailer trash neighbors that moved in a couple of weeks ago. They are pure white trash. No kidding. There's a ton of them too. And they're never in school. Always out setting off firecrackers all over the place. Big time annoying. There's a college age guy that's a real jerk. He will throw the football around right in front of our house and I just feel so gross because I've heard them whistle before and it was torture having to unpack my car last Monday when I got home. They were out there when I pulled up. I just completely ignored them. That's what I do best. Anyways, I was curious about the details of that bikini contest (not that I am planning on doing it--not at all!) , so I checked out the website. That girl must have been drunk or something when she told me I was bikini contest material, because when I looked at the photos, there was no way on earth that I could compete with those girls. Too tan, too big of breasts, too fake. I mean, I know I definitely have the body (minus the boobs and tan), but I am just not at these girls' level looks-wise. They're like models. It's actually a contest not only for money, but for some modeling opportunities. Me, a model? I don't think so. Plus, the whole thing kinda completely goes against everything I stand for. Strutting around in almost next-to-nothing in front of a bunch of drunk guys? How degrading! I refuse to let myself be treated as a piece of meat for guys to drool over. But, I guess secretly it'd be kinda fun getting all that attention. And I think that's definitely what I've been craving lately...not necessarily from the whole world, but from a special someone. Who I will find. Especially since I'm gonna get out more. And what I realize from last night, guys apparently do notice me, much to my own oblivion. I have such a horrible self-image, which is why I have such a hard time believing it. I've never really had a lot of confidence in myself and thought of myself as pretty. Sometimes I do, but I really struggle most of the time. With all of the images that we're constantly bombarded with, it's hard not to compare yourself to these beautiful models and celebrities and judge your own self accordingly. I know it's affected me. I feel like there's this standard, and I don't measure up at all. Not just to celebs, but to real people that I encounter in life. I'm so insecure. I hate it. I hate being this way. I know it's partly genetic because my parents have both had problems, and still do. I would have never guessed it, because they seem so outgoing, especially my mom. Now, my body image is a whole different situation. I love my body so much now. I'm proud of how I've been able to transform it into this lean, strong, and healthy body. I used to not always feel great about myself, but after I started consistently working out and dramatically changed my diet (no junk food), I couldn't be happier. I just feel so incredible and amazed at how I look. But what I do to stay in shape is not for everyone, because it takes an incredible amount of discipline--something that I've always had. But it's worth it to me. It's my gift to myself. It really does give me a high and I hate to miss doing something physical everyday. It's my self-image where most of the problems lie. Maybe I just need to trust what people say more (I have lots of trust issues as well). Bryan complemented me today when I talked to him on AIM--he said that I was a smart and goodlooking woman and would have no problems making connections (talking about my working on Sen. Smith's campaign). Wow. I'm so shallow. I care too much about looks and what other people think, like I need their approval or something. Alright, I'm getting tired now. Off to get ready for bed.