if it's loving that you need, then baby come and share my world

I am E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D!!! When was I ever this busy? I know it's been a long time. I'm away from home so much now, which is a huge change. I'm so used to always being at home. I may have been busy, but I was at home. So...Saturday was an absoultely MISERABLE day. I was so depressed. I didn't even smile really. There was nothing that really could. I was still so upset about the night before. I did end up going out with Ania Saturday night, though. But it turned out to be a disaster. At first, it was lots of fun. But then when we got to the actual party we were going to, I felt soooo incredibly uncomfortable. It was totallly NOT my scene. I can't say anymore because it's privileged information, lol. It was one of her new friends' parties. I'm sure they're all really great people, and I don't judge them or have a problem with them or anything, it's just that when I go to a party on a Saturday night, I want to be surrounded by, well, hot guys. I've got to show them that I'm out there, and all they have to do is come and get me! Tomorrow is gonna be another very long day...time to get some rest. Yes, I know it's early, but I don't care!

If it's loving that you want, then you should make me your girl

Another night in. But not by choice. A different friend this time bailed on me. And I didn't feel like having to call a million people and invite myself to go out with them, if they were going out. I'm sick of it. SO SICK OF IT!!! Why should I put up with these people who never invite me to do anything?? They never think of me, so why should I think of them? It doesn't make sense. Ania and I did make up. We went out last night, and it was fun up until a certain extent. Don't feel like talking about it. These fucking people in the next duplex over better not be loud tonight, or else I'm calling the police. Of course this happens when I'm stuck in alone for the night. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin...

I had the urge to just jump in the fountain on campus today as I walked past it in the rain today. It just looked so pretty and blue and fun. I was already wet, anyways...but I didn't actually do it! It probably would have brightened my day. I cried myself to sleep again last night. Well, sorta. I was so upset again about the whole Ania situation. She finally responded in a message today. But I don't feel any better. I said something back, but of course I won't hear from her. Why do I even bother? Oh, because she is only my best friend and means the world to me, that's why. I give more than I will ever receive in return. But that's how it is, that's how I am. I'm just one of those people that people take for granted. Because I'm there, and always will be. At least for those who show me that they care enough about me back.

I'll be the greatest fan of your life

So, Ania and I still have not worked things out yet. She never called on Saturday night. I didn't call her; I just sent her a text message telling her we needed to talk the next day. It was up to her to call me--I wasn't going to do it. She doesn't call. She sends me an IM, which I don't get until the end of the day because I was gone all day. She apologized for not calling and said I had every right to be mad at her. Damn right I did. And it wasn't just because she didn't call that night. I called her, she didn't answer. I went to hang out with some other friends, which was definitely a much needed distraction. I called her about an hour later, she still didn't answer. I was so pissed. No way I was calling her again. She calls me around 11pm or so and is like, is everything ok? I didn't have my phone with me all day, did you get my IM. I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah. Of course, me being the way -too-nice girl that I am, didn't say anything. She asked if I wanted to meet her today at a coffee shop or something to study/talk/catch up, and I said yes, just give me the time. Said she'd call me today--she promised. No call. What a suprise. I get an IM from her this evening. It's her explanation for the way she's been. I don't say anything. I didn't know what to say. No, that's not true. I knew exactly what to say. I was just too scared to do it. So I waited until I could gather my thoughts to respond. And I did. And now her away message rightly says that "sometimes we forget how lucky we are." She definitely has been taking me for granted. I am disappointed and sad because I won't be receiving a call from my best friend asking me how my first time back at chapter was tonight, as a best friend should do. It probably hasn't even crossed her mind.

Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying

Why does it always have to be so hard for me? Why has it always been so hard? What did I ever to do deserve this? And why is she doing this to me? AGAIN??? I'm too afraid to tell her. Why? Because I know she'll try and throw it back in my face somehow. Even though I have done nothing except everything that she isn't doing. She's not even trying. Never calls me. Never calls me back. Only invites me to do things when she's already got plans with other people. It's like she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, except when SHE wants to. Which is very rarely these days. I told her to call me today because I couldn't get in touch with her at all yesterday, even though I tried a million times. She doesn't call. I have to call HER and she has the nerve to tell me I didn't try and call her yesterday. What a load of crap. She's become selfish, engrossed in her own little world and puts me last for everything now. I've seen her once in the past freaking month! She started this crap at the end of the semester. And she's still pulling it. I'm going to have to talk to her. I can't let her keep walking all over me like this. She hasn't been there for me lately, so I'm beginning to wonder why the hell I should be there for her anymore. I can't trust her word. She says one thing, but does another. Anything that she tells me I doubt. "Let's go to Chubby's or something this weekend." "Ok, sure. We haven't done that in forever!" Well, forever continues, because apparently, plans mean nothing to her. What does she think when she says things like this? Does she not mean it? Why even suggest it then? Because I'm the kind of person who believes people like her. That they actually mean that they will do what they say. Amanda was supposed to call me back after she was done. Maybe she's not done yet. She probably is, but just forgot. Of course. Because apparently I'm easily forgettable. No one ever calls me and invites me to do things. It's me who's always calling them. I do all the fucking work and it SUCKS. Who ever makes the effort for ME?? I'm all alone. No one cares. No one ever thinks about me. They never invite me to join in. Or if they do, it's because someone has told them something or they feel sorry for me and feel obligated to invite me. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I got halfway ready. Just in case. Did my hair and put on foundation. No eye makeup and no picking out something to wear. Because I knew it would end up like this. Me crying. At home. Alone. Another Saturday night gone to waste. More opportunities lost. But that's not new. I try, but I always fail. It's not supposed to be this way. This is my last semester. I want to have fun. I want to make the most of going out. I didn't go out last night because I thought I was going out tonight. I guess I can never assume anything anymore. Not with the people I know. Especially not with my best friend. Who has ditched me for some other new girl and her friends she met. All three of us are this way? Is it a genetic thing? Did my parents fail in some way? I know my mom blames herself, that she failed us in some way. And it's a horrible thing to feel, because she didn't. I don't know what's wrong with us. We're good people. We all make our share of the effort, actually we do way more than we ever should, but for what? We get nothing in return. Maybe once in a while. But nothing consistent. And that's what I want. Consistency. Someone who wants to be around me a lot of the time (I can't be around someone all the time, I need my me time). Like Ania used to be. But now that she's got her car, she doesn't need me anymore. She doesn't even invite me to go on any errands with her. Not that I might always want to, but it'd be nice if she asked. And she can come over to my place once in a while. It takes just as long to get here as it does for me to go there, so she can't complain, because I ALWAYS go to her place. ALWAYS. This happened at the beginning of the fall semester. After she joined her sorority. Met new people, ditched me. I complained, and she blamed it on me, saying she can't always blah blah blah. She makes time for everyone else. Everyone EXCEPT me. She goes to the apartment of some stupid jerk and hangs out with him and his friends more than she ever does with me. Talks to them more, too. And she said she'd call me later and tell me the time and what not. Ha. That's a joke. I don't want to stay in and play boardgames on the first Saturday back of the semester. The first last Saturday of my college experience. But of course, that doesn't matter to her, and these new people do. I'm not jealous. I just want my best friend to start fucking acting like my best friend again.

I live for the tears to fall down your face

So Ania's really pissing me off right now. She disappears on me yesterday, probably not doing things she needed to do and was off doing something else with other people. And I still haven't heard from her today. Shows how much she really wants to see me again. Whatever. Tomorrow I start my internship. I'm a little nervous. I'm just trying to figure out when I'm going to get important things to me done, like working out and eating (will I have a lunch break? otherwise I'll starve. I can't go 5 hours without a little snack at the minimum!). Mondays won't be so hard to figure out. Tuesdays I'll be gone ALL day. That's definitely going to be a huge change for me. I'm used to coming back home after class and doing nothing for the rest of the day except maybe a little homework. And not to mention taking naps. Well, at least I have a 3 day weekend, because I'm not working on Fridays. I'll make do. It will probably actually be better for me this way. I NEED to get away from this house more than I do. I just feel bad for Chloe, because she's going to be so sad I won't be home as much. And I bet I'll be pretty darn tired and grumpy when I get home one Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then there's the dilemma about going out on Tuesdays, and Wednesdays when socials start. Obviously, I don't go out every Tuesday. But that's a really good day to go out, and I will not want to pass up the opportunities that I get to go out on those nights. But I know I'll pay for it the next day. Guess I'll just have to watch how much I drink so I won't be hung over. Just tired instead of both. I also will be attending my first dinner at the sorority EVER, since I never went last fall when I transfered. Ok, so Ania's off my bad list right now. She just called and apologized for not calling or getting back to me yesterday. I feel a little better about that now. Anyways, about dinner...Right now I'm not really that nervous, but I know when it comes time to walk into the house, I will be a nervous wreck. But it's something I've gotta do. My dad's going to be paying $2000 (yes, a RIDICULOUS amount of money) for me to go active again this semester, and I'm going to go all out with it. I'm putting myself out there. I have to. Not just for the sorority, but for my internship, as well as just the general benefit of growing. I can see myself really changing this semester, becoming more outgoing, for one thing. I'll have to be, especially with the 2 situations I'm in. I've got to prove myself in the workplace, and make friends in the sorority. I actually WANT to do this. I'm excited. At least I think I am. No, I know I am. I have so much potential right in front of me, and for once, I'm not going to sit around and do nothing with it. I'm going to continue to become the person I want to be. And I've got to put myself out there, even if it is completely cold turkey, to do it. So here goes...

Boredom is nothing short of what I've been feeling for the past few days. The kind where you have absolutely nothing to do, but sit around at home wondering what in the world you can do so you're not bored anymore. I've spent all day, once again, doing nothing. Nothing productive. This evening and afternoon I've been waiting for Ania to get back to me, but no luck on that. Surprise. So in the meantime, I've tried to figure out something to occupy my time. And what have I come up with? An idea for a project. Still trying to work out all the details of it, beginning some of it. Yet, it's not really what I want to be doing. What DO I want to be doing? Actually, I really don't know. Something besides what I am doing. It's so frustrating!

I was looking at some websites that I'd found a while ago for ideas of things to write about. One is a site where it gives you a prompt. What came up? "Name 3 reasons why you should get out of bed tomorrow." Ha! Right now, I don't even have one. Ok, so maybe one. To eat. And to work out. So now there's two. But sleeping sounds a whole lot better than staying awake right now. It'll probably be an early night, considering the lack of things to keep me awake.

You know what though? I look at the pictures, and he's not like I always picture him. Of course, that's how it always is, isn't it? I think I make him out to be better than he is. Or else he doesn't photograph well.

And the sun's coming up and how we woke up on the floor

Why did I do it? I don't feel any better. I don't feel any worse. I just feel strange. The curiousity just got to me. It was staring me right in the face, and I couldn't resist. I wasn't going to. I said I wasn't. No. Because I didn't want to. I don't think I wanted to even though I did. It was an impulse, a need to know. Am I that hopeless? No, I'm not. I was just wanting a piece of something I told myself I couldn't have. Eventually, you will give in, no matter how hard you try not to. And afterwards you'll feel bad and guilty for doing so. And you'll promise yourself you'll never do it again. Maybe this time, it'll work, you think. Maybe so. Or you may fall victim to the same yet once again. It's an unruly cycle. One I'm determined to break. But the key is moderation. It's not like I was before. It's been a while, so I can tell myself it's ok. I wasn't obsessing, I didn't "overindulge." I just satisfied my need to see. Well, not really satisfied, because I definitely feel nothing of the sort. I don't know what I was expecting. I knew nothing but some kind of hurt would result from it. But that's the thing. I don't really know if I'm hurt. Maybe a little bit, because everything to do with this will cause me to be nothing less than hurt. It's my own fault. I didn't have to, but I did. I didn't discover anything, though. Which is good. That would have been bad. Or did I? And I'm just trying to hide it from myself? Get over it already! I think I'm as over it as I can possibly be. And I am. I have been for a long time. But there's that stupid feeling inside of me saying, don't give up. But what's the point??? I'm not waiting. I haven't been waiting for anyone. I don't want any of them. They're gone from my life because they're not good enough for me. They definitely proved that. So why does my heart not want to believe it? My head knows, but there's that little piece inside of me that just won't heal. Where are the new boys so I can replace what my heart feels it's missing?

Cause I don't need my conscience when I lose my head

Laundry sucks. I've been doing it ALL day, and I'm still not done. And it's 9pm. I really wonder what Meghan's birthday will bring this year, as it was life-changing last year. Everything that happened afterwards, stemmed from that night. Adam. Drinking and going out. Boys. And more boys. Who would've known?

I'm saving it all for the morning after

I applied for graduation today. So weird. Turns out I graduate on the Friday night, not on Saturday morning. Yes! I can sleep in! And I start my internship on Monday. At 8:30am. That's not going to be a regular time, believe me. There's no way I'm getting up at 6:30am 4 days a week. I'll let it slide for the first day. Another break is about to come to an end. And what's to make of it? Not much. Not much at all. Once again, I wasted so much time doing nothing. I feel like lots of people went places, on trips, hung out with friends. Did everything that I didn't do but wanted to do. So what did I do? I was on my computer a lot. Really doing nothing but trying to find something to do, or get ideas for things. One thing that I will be able to say that I did by the end of tonight is that I read a book. Yep. A book. Pretty sad, huh. I could have easily read at least 2 or 3. But no, I find most of my time slips by at night while I'm here on my computer. It's the facebook addiction. Blah. I have nothing to write about. I come up with the best things to write about as I'm trying to fall asleep, and I always tell myself, that's a great topic, I'll write about it later. Apparently I forget. Maybe my life is just getting boring right now. I mean, afterall, I haven't been doing much, and my emotions haven't really been active lately. Not really sad, but not really happy. Just in that inbetween phase. Trying to definitely not think about someone. And it's going pretty well, too. Of course the little things remind me of him, especially what with is coming up in a few days. But no checking facebook for 10 days! Yes, 10 days! And I'm not lying because there's no reason to lie on here. I'm so proud of myself. And it's not like I have to force myself not to. I just simply don't care to, or feel like I have to. It's quite a relief. Wanting what I can't have is starting to become obsolete. It's about time.

I've got the body blues once again. Actually, they never really went away. I thought I was feeling better, but I'm still having problems. With food, with being more active again. And today hasn't helped still feeling nauseus, so I didn't get in my full workout like I had planned. I really drank way too much Saturday night, if I'm still not feeling great today. And I'm not. I feel nauseus like I felt when I had mono. Hungry, but you don't want to eat anything, except you do. You don't eat anything considered "bad," but it's not what you would prefer to eat and just makes you feel crummy. That's the perfect way to describe how I feel right now about my body. Crummy. I'm hoping for a fresh start tomorrow. Please let me feel better.

Sometimes I think I see you walking down the street...and I believe it

Soooooo incredibly hung over today. I feel soooo sick, still. Drank entirely way too much too fast last night. Get this: I had 2 bottles of champagne that I drank by myself, one shot of rum, one shot of vodka, and some beer. No wonder I ended up throwing up! But I did have a lot of fun at the party, despite that. I was very intimidated when I first walked in, and for about 5-10 minutes or so. I recognized most of the people there--they all went to Chiles, but were mostly 2 years younger than me. But after I found Erin and started drinking, I relaxed. Around 11 o'clock, guess who shows up? Matt and his friends. Normally, I'd be totally excited to see him, but there was some girl with him (lowering his standards a bit? but hey, I don't know her...), which put a whole damper on the situation. I know he saw that I was there, but as usual when I run into a guy from the past, I ignored him. I didn't really know what to do, especially since I hadn't seen him since, oh, 2 summers ago and I haven't spoken to him since the summer. And of course, I drank a little more...I eventually got up from where I was sitting and joined Erin who was talking to some guys, one of which is another guy named Matt. Maybe it was the way he was looking at me and the vibe I was getting from him, but he became my "target" lol of the night. And I was well on the way to hitting the bullseye until I got sick. Who knows what might've happened (not that though...I definitely wanted to makeout, though!). What's weird is that he knows my sister, since they went to school together forever. And I know she had a crush on him when she was in elementary school. Yeah, that's quite some time ago, but I still felt a little bad. But we were definitely flirting and he had his arm around me and everything. I apparently even had a picture taken with him...hmmm... I should start a picture collection of my photos with random guys when I'm drunk. I don't know why I take them...maybe to remember them? Or as some sort of proof? Or maybe because I just want to capture the memories. There is definitely some lost time from when I went outside with Matt and when I remember throwing up in the bathroom. Must have blacked out, because I don't know when I became sick or what brought it on, or anything. It's a mystery. I ended up on the couch, passed out, my head in a plastic hat for in case I got sick again. In front of everyone. And with the way I'm feeling today, that should teach me to never mix all three alcohols in one night. I knew I shouldn't have at the time, but I didn't care. Maybe next time I will care and I'll just stick to one! OH! I did end up talking to Matt later in the night. He was standing talking to someone, and I just decided that I should say hi at least. And I did. He asked me where my "boy" was. I was like, what boy? I don't have anyone. He was like, yeah I heard you had one and all, the guy from the summer. Pay attention to facebook! Haha. It was a short convo. Kinda strange and awkward. But I did it anyways.

Kiss me at midnight, dance until the morning light...party into the new year!

A second has been added to our lives. Yes, it's true. It happened at exactly 7pm eastern time. It's only one second, but that's one more second that we get to live.

It's New Year's Eve. Only 5 more hours left of 2005. And I'll be ringing it in at a party. Thank goodness I have plans. Because otherwise it would be a very, very sad and unhappy night. I may not know many people at this party and I'm going alone, but I'm determined to have fun. Nothing will ruin my night. And who cares if there's no one to kiss me at midnight? It's out with the old and in with the new! A new year for new guys. Not going back to any of the ones from this past year. There really were quite a few, weren't there? I went from 0 to 4 in a matter of months, from 0 to I've lost count for the number of kisses I've had. Overall, it's been a really good year. But I really don't feel like reflecting on it right now. I only have 3 hours to get ready for tonight!!!

Ooo boy you lookin' like you like what you see

December 29, 2005

Only 2 more days left in the year. That’s really weird if you think about it. Another year coming to an end, only to begin anew. It ends, but it doesn’t. I don’t usually think of the start of the New Year as “new” in the sense that I have a new beginning. Because you really don’t. It’s just a part of the continuum. I’m more used to a new year starting in the fall, coinciding with the start school. I hate how at this time of year everyone is making resolutions to lose weight, get healthy, eat right, etc. It’s so annoying. Why wait until the date changes? Why not today? But hey, as long as you stick with it, then go for it. But those resolutions just don’t seem to last. Speaking of resolutions…hmmm…should I make any? I don’t typically make them. Not like a list, at least. Just in a general sense. I’ll think about it.

December 30, 2005

It is the most gorgeous day ever today. Well, maybe not ever, but for the end of December, it’s so nice. I’m in Pensacola, too. And we’re going to be going to the beach to visit my granddad in a little while. I wish it wasn’t so late so I could go out and layout on the beach! But I’m going to go out there anyway, bathing suit or not. I don’t want it to get cold again. It always does this though. For Christmas it’s cold, but then afterwards, it gets warm for a week or so until new year’s. Then it’ll get cold again. So I’ve decide I’ve got 1 and a half days left now, and I’m putting it all behind me. For good. I had the weirdest dream about him last night. We were on something like a date, but everything had already happened between us, and we both knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. It was so awkward. The dream was completely out of nowhere, because I haven’t been obsessing over him for a while. Yeah, for a while. That’s an improvement at least from recently when I was about to make a huge mistake! I haven’t even looked at his facebook page! I know! The last time I looked, I think it was Monday, and I saw he had a comment from that stupid girl saying she missed him. I immediately closed the browser. It made me sick. Not exactly sad, maybe a little hurt, but I just didn’t care to see any of it. Not now, not ever, so that’s why I haven’t gone back. I don’t want to do that to myself. It hurts too much. And besides, there’s no reason to. I’m going to try and keep it up. Maybe that’s what is needed to keep me away. It’s going to be a little hard, though, with the dates that are coming up really soon. It will be a year since I met him next Sunday. And our first date will soon follow. I just can’t think about it. That’s simply it. I have been thinking about the memories. But that’s all I have. Memories. And these memories are better than the reality, unfortunately. But it’s ok. He’s gone, it’s through. It’s been through for a long time. I just don’t want to completely let go. But you can’t completely let go. It’s impossible because there will always be that memory of him, the experience of being with him. I wonder sometimes whether it would have been better to never had met him. But then I think, no it wouldn’t. I don’t regret it. He was a huge part of my year last year, and my growth. Would I have ever gone to Gainesville that night? Wanted to go out that Wednesday night that I asked Ania to go out with me? I’ll never know. But I do know, everything that happened, despite how it turned out, was worth it. Because look at me now.

The first night that we slept with the light on...

That last post is from Christmas Eve. I didn't have access to the internet to post it at the time, and I just now got around to doing it. My stupid CD burner is driving me nuts. It works sometimes, but mostly it just wastes blank cds by messing up during the middle of a burn. I'm going out of town tomorrow and wanna burn a cd for the trip. It better work in the morning. Yeah, so I'm going to Pensacola with my dad and sister to see Gramme since she couldn't come over here for Christmas. Not exactly thrilled about going, but I guess it gives me something to do other than nothing at home. Although I am trying to get organized and get rid of all the junk that I don't need and is just sitting around taking up space. It's really bothering me. And I'm trying to find ideas for my "new" room. I'll end up changing it probably at the beginning of summer. I know it's a long time, so why am I doing it now? Well, it's a good thing I'm starting because it's gonna take forever to decide what I want it to look like! Finding bedding alone is not going to be fun. It's one of those occasions where I know exactly what I want, but I don't...a "know it when I see it" kind of deal. It'll either be for my current place, or perhaps a new place if I end up somewhere else. Which isn't likely to happen, but you never know. I certainly don't at this point. Anything can happen, especially when your number one priority will be to get a real job. Scary. So....New Years. As of now, I do have some plans. And hopefully nothing will change them (at least, nothing for the worst...if something, or more like someone else, comes along, then they might). A girl that was on the dance team with me is having a party. We had a little dance team reunion on Monday night, and everyone except for her as it turns out is going out of town for that day, which sucks. She originally didn't have plans, so the yesterday I facebooked her and asked her if she wanted to do something since I knew she was in the same position as me. She decided that she's going to have a party, and that's where I'm gonna go. It should be fun--it's a formal dress party, so I finally get to wear this black dress that I've had since spring. I am a little nervous, because I don't know if I'll know anyone else there. Well, I probably will since I'm sure there'll be lots of people from high school. But who cares? It'll test my abilities, which I need lots of practice for since I'm throwing myself back into the sorority. And the countdown begins...

I wanna be your lover, but baby you can't behave

This is the second time I'm writing this because as I was writing the first time, my program froze, and I was unable to save it unfortunately. But at least it wasn't much. Anyways, I am at home, spending the first night in what must be forever at my parents' house. It's the day before Christmas eve, and I just decided to go home a day early. Why not? It's weird because I'm not sleeping in my old room; I'm in my sister's old room. My grandma's in mine, and Allison will end up sleeping somewhere around here tomorrow night and Christmas night. My excuse is that I've got to keep Chloe company. Hopefully she won't keep me up all night. She's been hiding under the bed since I brought here over here. She's not a happy kitty right now.

I was thinking earlier on the way home from the mall--yes, I went to the mall briefly this evening with my mom and grandma because she wanted to look for something...not a fun trip because she wanted to get my cousin Jennifer some clothes item for Christmas, and she has no idea what or how to pick out clothes for anyone, and it was just soooo frustrating--how I've never really seen a guy in love before. I'm beginning to wonder if they even fall in love, or experience anything like we girls do. Yeah, there are a million songs that guys sing about being in love and heartbreak. But I've never been around one. At least I can't think of anyone. Have I become that skeptical?? Maybe I have. Or it's just the guys that I've been around. I don't even know what my point is anymore, just that my confidence in guys and dating and love is just extremely low right now. I need someone to prove me wrong. Prove all of my skeptism wrong, show me that I'm wrong. And this is one thing I wouldn't be mad about being wrong about. I want to be wrong. I don't want to be right this time. I've been right so far for too long. It's time to break the cycle.

Wow. It's weird being in my sister's room right now. I've hooked my laptop up to her speakers and am listening to some new music that I downloaded last night. And just thinking. That's what I do a lot of lately. There's so much to think about, though. Way too much because it's been hindering my ability to fall asleep. The voices just won't stop. One thought leads to another and another and another. And it just won't end. Eventually it does, only to start right back up once I wake up.

the sea changes colors, but the sea does not change

Wasted another evening on the computer. This time checking out and looking for new music. I did just watch a movie. Woo.

I want you to want me

Then I go and realize what in the world am I thinking?? No. Just simply no. way. He makes me feel so incredibly dumb. He doesn't CARE about me. He doesn't THINK about me. So WHY would I want HIM??? And the answer is I know I really don't. I just want what I can't have. And because I'm lonely and I would settle for a jerk like him. No I wouldn't. I WILL NOT. Not EVER. I'm waiting for someone MUCH better. 100% better. And he will come across my path eventually. Why were we supposed to meet? So he could show me exactly what I DON'T WANT. And why I shouldn't settle for a complete loser like he is. Because a winner will not treat me like he has.

I'm so, so, so lonely. The holidays are the worst time of year for loneliness. There goes selfish me again...I don't know what lonely is...not compared to my brother's friend's parents. It will be a year ago in about an hour that he was killed in a car crash. Last year was not a happy Christmas. I don't want to make it another one. So I can choose to go one way or another. I can choose to be happy, or I can choose to be miserable and depressed. I did see my good friends tonight, which is a happy note. But I want a boyfriend. That's a sad note, because there's no one that cares for me. I don't know if I can believe that there is one person out there for me right now. I'm not looking at marraige, nor am I looking to find the love of my life (well, ok, I am, but I'm not). I just want a relationship with someone who loves me and cares about me and wants to be with me. Who wants to be with me?? NO ONE. No one ever has. They haven't stayed. Or they cheat on me (but thankfully that made me reevaluate that situation, and get me out of something that I really didn't want to be in in the first place). Your time will come, they say. Stop looking, and it'll happen. Well FUCK that. I've been listening to that my whole freaking life--since I've reached "dating age" and nothing has happened. Not until this freaking year alone!! And what has happened??? Nothing but complete heartbreak and disappointment. I better be getting it all out of the way now. But I'm not. Maybe I'm just one of those people destined to be alone. Or won't find someone until they're 35, which completely sucks. All I want is to have a boyfriend of more than a month (which you can't really get much accomplished in a month) before I graduate college. Frankly, I will not be meeting the love of my life here, nor any future possibilities for husbands. Guys here suck. All they want is to hookup, and that's it. But that's guys everywhere. Especially college guys. Why do the ones that don't want anything find me?? Yeah, and New Years is gonna suck, too. Not only will I not have someone to kiss at midnight, but I will be at home, crying and depressed, because as of now, I have no plans. But that's not because I can't figure out what I want to do. It's because there's NO ONE TO DO ANYTHING WITH. That's what I want for Christmas. Friends. For New Years especially. Just give me someone to go out with and get drunk with, and I'll be happy (well, I've got to approve...I do have standards). Why is it like this for me?? I don't deserve this.

And if it takes all night, I'll wait until the daylight to see that we just don't belong

Do you ever feel like you're just supposed to meet certain people? No matter how bad the experience may be with them? It's never obvious at first, and it usually becomes apparent much later. But they become your weakness. You can't say no. Or it's incredibly difficult to. They just get under your skin, and you wonder why this person makes you feel this way. They don't go away, either. Some way or another, they just come back into your life after being gone like they never existed. Except that they did, and that they do every single day of your life. No matter how hard you try to deny them, they're just there. Inside you. They've taken a piece of you hostage and all you want to do is get your freedom back. They test your resolve. They make you wonder how you could ever be so stupid, or why you just cannot learn. But then again, they make you stronger, wiser. And you do learn; you just choose to ignore the lesson for the instant gratification of knowing they're thinking about you. You vow to never go back, to never lower your standards, that someone else much better is out there for you. And you believe that you believe it. But you really do. Sometimes. Most of the time. But then the loneliness sinks in...

If it's alright, I'll stay until it's later until you tell me that it's time that we moved on

Christmas just doesn't seem the same anymore. Not since I started picking out my presents, which started about 2 years ago. The same goes for birthdays, but that's another story. It's good in that you get exactly what you want since you picked it out, but it takes all the surprise out when opening presents on Christmas morning. I guess I feel guilty, too. For wanting things. For getting some of the things that I want, more specifically. Especially when I know I don't need it or shouldn't get it because money is tight. And how bad is this: I need work/business clothes for my internship in the spring, but I don't want it to be a part of my present. Do I feel horrible or what when my mom says she needs more to wrap up, or asks if she can wrap up a pair of pants or dress shirts. I can be so selfish. But I haven't asked for anything because there's nothing that I really, really want. Nothing that I can't live without. I should be thinking about the future. Spring break, for one. I want to go somewhere, but that's gonna cost money. And I'm doing the sorority again. There goes $2000. And graduation...I can't even mention that I want to go to Europe or travel. It's not going to happen because there's no way I can afford it. Part of my guilt comes from the fact that I don't have a job, nor have I ever had a job. So no income to contribute. During the school year, that's understandable. But I've wasted every summer doing absolutely nothing. And I'm not just talking about not working. I mean not doing anything like studying abroad, which I kinda wish I had done. I feel a little jealous when I hear people are doing that or have done it. I've just been lost. I haven't known what to do, and cannot seem to figure it out. And I'm still pretty lost. What in the world am I going to do after graduation? Obviously get a job, but doing what?? I absolutely HATE it when people ask me what I'm going to do. I know they're just being polite or curious, but it's annoying because I don't have an answer other than I don't know. I definitely know it's not school. I probably should, but I just cannot do it. Mentally, physically...I'm just drained. I've killed myself working so hard for nothing ever since high school. It's time for a break. To move onto something new and different. I just hate how I'm going to waste another 3 weeks doing nothing again. Especially since I'm going to spend it pretty much alone. AHHHHH there I go again, choking back the urge to cry. Why do I do this to myself???? It's a mystery. One that I don't think I'm ever going to figure out.

something about your lips, something about your kiss...

Today was a lazy day. It's been raining nonstop. And it's freezing outside. So, it was a perfect opportunity to do nothing but lay in bed all afternoon and watch tv. But I did have a very good workout. And I went out to dinner with my mom and brother. So I technically didn't do nothing. I looked sooo good tonight. So of course I used it as another opportunity to take a million pictures of myself. But hey, they're for facebook, lol...I am so OBSESSED with taking pictures...of myself. Yes, it sounds really conceited. Maybe it is. But I don't care. It's fun. And I like to see what I look like. And tonight I didn't really care if I didn't go out because of the nasty weather. But I kinda wish I had...

Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying

Last night=miserable and depressed. Today=still feeling sad. Tonight=another night all alone at home. And the rest of the break will be the same. Last night Ania and I were supposed to go out and celebrate finals being over and have our last night out of the semester before she went home. But she calls me and tells me that afternoon that she's not going to go out because she doesn't have any money. I understand that. But I'd pay for her. I already had the liquor to drink beforehand, and it's nothing she would have to pay for. I understand that she was extremely tired because she hasn't slept all week. But that's not my fault. I'm not the one who waited until the last minute to study. She was supposed to call me later yesterday evening and we'd hangout. She never calls. I call her. She doesn't pick up. I'm absolutely soooo sad and crying. I have no one else to call to see who's going out. I'm sick of having to be the one to invite people to do things. They apparently don't ever think of me or want to hang out with me, or else they'd call me and invite me to do something once in awhile. I put in all the effort. For what? For nothing. I always end up feeling like the third wheel, anyways. Like I don't belong. Like I'm just tagging along and not really apart of everything. And it sucks. It sucks not having other friends to go out with. Last night I refused to call anyone. Tonight I succumbed to a few. But to no avail. I'm so desperate I put up an away message asking for people to call me if they wanted to go out. Obviously that didn't work. So I'm stuck at home once again. I guess I could ask my sister if she wanted to go see a movie. But there's nothing I want to waste $7 bucks on. I'd rather spend that on alcohol. Shows you where my priorities are. Maybe it'll be alright that I don't go out. It doesn't seem like people are going to be going out. Everyone's gone home, too. Or have they? Of course they probably haven't tonight, the one night that they're still here I won't be going out. I'm kinda losing the mood to go out now, anyways. It's just not worth the effort of finding someone to go out with. And I'm already on and off tearing up about it. I don't think I'd be in a good mood, or able to get in a good mood. It shouldn't be this hard. I wish I wasn't so alone.

Can we throw away all the casual?

Once again, my brain has reached the point that it is fried. I can take no more. I just end up staring blankly at the page, wondering what the heck I am looking at. It always happens around exam time. Well, any really important test. The essay ones, especially. Those are the ABSOLUTE worst. I hate them with a passion. Give me multiple choice. So much better. That way I don't have to memorize a million identification terms and possible answers to essay questions. And it's my last exam. WHY?? At the very end. That's when they always come. The last ones. Oh, so you'd think that would be good since it gives you more time to study. WRONG! Because by the time it comes around, you want to be done. No more studying, so you don't end up studying as much. At least I don't because it just becomes too much. I also start before the night before the exam, which is also why I'm ready to not study anymore. I just get so sick of it. Not to mention the headaches, speaking of which I've got a major one right now. Yeah, so I'm not going out after all. Ania called me today and was like, let's go to AJ's, and I agreed, but she wasn't 100 percent sure it would happen. And as the day went on, I kept wondering if it would be a good idea. I'm not worried about my one tomorrow. I just didn't want to be hungover tomorrow so I couldn't study. But problem is solved because I'm not going out. I'm just as happy though. So tired and bad headache. At least now I get to sleep in tomorrow morning. Oh, wait. I have a cat. That won't happen.

And enough complaining about exams already. I know, I know. Just gotta let it out sometimes. Plus, that's all that going on.

Can we try a little more personal?

Study break. Studying really sucks, and I don't want to do it at all. And I really haven't been doing very much at all. Just three more days, and I'm done. Tomorrow night, going out. Despite having a final the next day. But this time it's at 12:30pm instead of 7:30am. So that's so much better. And then there's Thursday, which will be the grand finale...can't wait. I just need to watch how much I drink. I was hungover ALL weekend. Especially Sunday. And it was not fun at all. But the night before it was! Friday I had a little break down...first occuring before I started drinking over a parking issue, then culminating at the end of the night big time while I was drunk. I was so upset. And to make matters worse, I was on Ania's back porch, and went to go inside and see her, and I smacked right into her glass door, not knowing it wasn't open. And I hit that thing hard. It wasn't really swollen or anything the next day, just slightly bruised, but nothing noticeable. But yeah, I admit that I ran into a glass door. But hey, at least I was drunk!

Cause perfect never felt so perfect

I don't know what it is, but it must be something to do with the holidays. I just feel so incredibly lonely right now. And it's not just the lonely in the sense that I wish I had a boyfriend (I mean, I do, but it's more than that). It's just an all-around lonesome feeling. Ania jokes around sometimes, and I know she doesn't mean anything bad by it or to hurt me, and it really doesn't bother me until times like these, but there really are only two people that call me: my mom and Ania. That's it. I don't know why I'm always looking at my phone to see who's called, or more like, who hasn't, because there's nobody else to call me. And that's the problem. Especially when I want to do things when Ania's busy or doesn't want to do anything. There's no one for me to call, either. At least, no one I feel like making the effort with anymore. I'm sick of it. I understand in the beginning of a friendship, that might be how it is. But after a certain point, it gets annoying, and discouraging because you feel like they don't want to hang out with you in the first place unless you end up calling, or I'll end up tagging along or something. Where this is coming from, is somewhere deep inside me, because it hasn't happened to me recently or anything. It reminds me of the summer big time. And middle semester last year right before I met Ania. I love Ania to death, and wouldn't trade her for the world--she's my best friend--but I can't always rely on her, because she won't always be there. And I shouldn't have to end up staying home and not doing anything just because she's not available. It definitely has happened this semester. There are just things that I want to do, to experience, but it's just so hard to do them because I don't want to do them alone. So I don't end up doing them because I don't have anyone there to do them with me. I just want to go out. My time is limited. I think that's part of it now. Subconsciously, it's starting to hit me--graduating in the Spring--and all the things I want to do and experience, well the time is running out. And I feel I'm even more rushed than ever because I wasted so much time in the past. I had so many plans for this semester. It hasn't turned out bad at all, and I've had a lot of fun. But there was more I wanted to do, but as usually, I don't end up following through. It's that stupid potential of mine that's just waiting for the push to let that ball roll down the hill. And it's not just about going out and drinking. I honestly can't do it all the time, both mentally and physically. But I want people to just hang out with and do nothing with. I do that a lot with Ania, but not as much as I'd like. That's partly my fault, as I tend not to want to stay up too late when I have class the next day if I don't have to. But maybe that's just what I need to do. That's like tonight, where I could have gone to the library to study with Ania. I'm not a fan of the library to study...I need my privacy and complete silence and no one around so I can talk out loud when I study (which is the best way for me). But I probably could have sucked it up and gone. But it was raining. And it's cold. And I was tired. And I didn't want to have to drive all the 10 minutes there and find stupid parking. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I sure do make a lot of them. Here I am, so sad and worried about not having time before the semester ends, and I could have been doing something. And it's what I ultimately want to do: just to get myself out there and be seen, that hey, I'm alive, look at me. Not for anyone in particular; quite the opposite really. To find new people, ok, mainly guys. But how else are you supposed to do it?? If no one sees me, then I can't meet anyone. Not that I'd end up meeting anyone anyways, but it's just getting myself out there. That's what I've been trying to do all along. Maybe I need to move away somewhere, be on my own again. Scary thought, definitely. But I let fear rule my life, my decisions. There are so many things, so many opportunities that I've missed and could have done had I not been so scared or thought I couldn't do it. It's time to stop being so afraid, because really, what is there to be afraid of? I want to go active in KD in the spring. At least part of me wants to. But I have so many reservations. One, I don't know if I can aford it (it's a ridiculous $2000! most of it is for the meal plan, which is a HUGE turnoff because I'm very picky about what I eat, both in general and for health reasons). Two, and this is also a very big concern of mine: making friends. Sure, I know some faces, and some names, and some girls very superficially by this point (it's those that actually remember me from when I transferred last fall...ok, so facebook helps, too). And it's not about having tons of them. I'd just like one or two girls who want to hang out with me, people that will call me and invite me to do things, instead of the other way around. That's my biggest fear about the whole situation. I know I'll regret it if I don't do it, because I've come to miss it, especially since Ania joined a sorority this year and living it through her. And I've grown so much since I first transferred. But I just don't know if I'll be able to fit in, or find some friends. I never felt like I fit in in the first place, and I'm afraid I'll end up hating it again and being absolutely miserable. And it wouldn't be a cheap thing to find out. It's just been on my mind the past couple days, and it's weighing very heavily with me. It's not causing stress like it once did, but it's definitely causing some anxiety. I just don't know what to do.

All I want for Christmas is....you!

What is it with me lately? Today was another day where I came so incredibly close, no dangerously close is more like it, to making a suggestion to someone...hmmm, and I wonder what that could be about...but I didn't. All day though, ALL DAY, it's been on my mind. One thing, and one thing only. And with one person only! At the height of it, I was about to write him a facebook message. But then when reality got a hold of me, there was NO WAY I could ever go through with it. For one, it'd look like I wanted him. Two, it would look like I wanted to do that with him, when I really just wanted it. Three, I'd seem desperate, and there's the risk of him rejecting me, like I did to him the last time. And I could never face him again if I did that. Plus, there's the embarassment of realizing how stupid I was after I sent it and wished I hadn't. And I kinda like having the last word with us: being the one who showed him I didn't WANT him like that. Rejecting him that night was one of the most empowering feelings I've had when it comes to him. No, I do not want to sleep with you, and why do you assume I will?? Sorry, you can beg all you want, but it's not going to happen. But it's funny now how I want it so bad, I was about to make myself look sooo pathetic. But I didn't and I haven't and I won't. As long as I keep his number away, and don't send any messages, I'm good. The funny thing is, I actually thought that's all it could be: just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. Not wanting anything from him. Well, that's pretty much because that's what I'd get for it: nothing. That's Adam. And that's us. I wasn't expecting anything, because I knew there'd be nothing there. Maybe that's why I thought I could do it: I knew exactly what I was getting into. But how much would I be settling and letting myself down??? SOOOOO MUCH! I want to wait for someone who's worth it, not someone who only wants me for sex. Why would I even think about doing that to myself? I guess maybe because I'm feeling a little lonely? Could be. I'm definitely in a drought. It's been probably 6 weeks since I've kissed a guy, and it was a month before that. Where's all the guys this semester? There have been, let's see, 3 guys this semster. Only 3! How many were there last semster? Too many too count! I kissed way more guys this summer than I have in the past 3 months! And I was sick with mono the majority of the time! I mean, who needs sex...I don't...I just want to makeout. And cuddle. That's really all I want.

ewww...and please get out of my head! I really need a new guy! soooo bad...

Santa can you hear me? I have been so good this year...

NO MORE SCHOOL!!!! nooooooooooo! Just kill me now! I'm going crazy...

I am soooo bored with my life. I really need to find something to do. Time for bed.

What makes the one to shake you down?

I waste way too much time. Doing absolutely nothing. I'm so unproductive. But when I have free time, I have no idea what to do. Like this past weekend. What did I end up doing? Not much other than wasting time away on the computer. Well, I did have some purpose, like looking for inspiration for a project. But I've just been so creatively blocked lately. And it's driving me crazy. I know exactly what I want to do and want it to look like, but then I don't at the same time. It's so frustrating. I spent 4 hours (the entire FSU-UF game) on Saturaday online, looking at random websites. Yes, 4 hours. I was at my parents' house though, so at least I wasn't at home alone. But still. Why don't I do anything?? I have so much potential, I know I do. I just have never done anything with it. I'm boring. I do the same things all the time. Even when I have nothing to do, I have absolutely nothing to do to fill that time. I'm not lazy by any means; I just don't know where to channel my energy or focus. I want something worthwhile to do. Or, at least something different. However, while I am sick of the same routine, in a way, I don't want anything to do. But I need something to do. What am I to do with all this potential??

ok, so how pathetic do I look??( as I read a couple of previous posts from this week) SO PATHETIC!! ewwww....is all I have to say...don't do that again! too much time and space wasted on that jerk...

Don't waste this chance with your smile

I feel like I've been eating so much lately. Not of anything bad at all, but I feel like I'm hungry a lot. No, actually it's just because I want to eat these two new cereals I have, lol. Things still just keep running through my head like crazy; it just won't stop! I tried to take a nap earlier when I was feeling really tired, but couldn't fall asleep because I can't clear my head! Everytime I think of something good that I could write about, I just say, I'll write about that later. But now I can't remember anything! Random want: to go on an actual date. The last time I went on a real date was my date with Adam. Oh, actually, no that's not true. I did go on a date with Andrew last spring, but that fizzled. I guess I did go on one date with Chris, but I paid for everything, and he had 5 freaking beers at my country club where I took him to eat! And then he made me pay for his ticket at the movies because he didn't bring any money. What a loser!! What in the world was I thinking with him??? I ask myself that ALL the time, because I really don't know. And to think he was my first...but really, I forget that he was and would rather not remember any of it. It's sooo weird how I feel about him is completely different from all the other guys. Maybe it's because I never really liked him in the first place, and it was more like I was bombarded into this "relationship" without really wanting to. How easily do I not think of him. But with others, I can't get them out of my head. Skip has faded a lot, too. But not totally. I still think about him and those nights. I really am glad, even though things turned out the way they did, that I got that experience with him. I saw what I could be...my passionate side really came out in a way I never thought that I could ever be. Actually, it wasn't how I thought I could be, but how I never saw myself as being that way because I'd always detatch myself and feel that I'd always be trapped inside myself...kinda difficult to explain. But then again, the pain that I experienced...but no, it was worth it. You can't go through life avoiding love and passion for fear of heartbreak. Nope, you sure can't. I know I can't.

I'm holding on but letting go of you

I just had one of those moments where I just got in touch with a long lost friend....it really made my day to have found her, because I think about her every now and then and wonder how she is doing, but don't know how to get in contact with her. So this is good news. I was up at 5:30 this morning painting, because I could not sleep. So rather than continue tossing and turning, I decided to get up for an hour or so and work on a project and then eat and go back to sleep. That's exactly what I did, too. There's just sooo many things that would not stop running through my mind. It didn't help that I woke up at around 3:30 am, too, and decided to get on the computer. Checked facebook, of course...and may have stumbled onto something that I did not, nor do I ever care to know about because it'd hurt way too much. Why it hurts, is beyond me, because this person is a COMPLETE JERK and I do NOT WANT HIM, but because of the history and who it is, it will hurt. It was only a matter of time if I think it was about what I think it is, but I never wanted to think about it. So I deleted a few things and decided that it's not necessary to keep him in my life like I have been. He should have been gone long, long ago, but I never wanted to fully let go. Of course, I don't believe that is completely possible, because they will always be a part of you in some aspect, some way, but I've become unecessarily obsessive this past week. Thank goodness I remained strong and didn't follow through with any of my stupid ideas I had. And I never backed down (at least to him, but I was certainly thinking it), so it shows that I do not want him anymore to him. That's the most important thing, because I honestly don't. I want the IDEA of him. Without all the qualitites and things he did that made him a jerk. I wanted what I couldn't have. That's simply it. No, I'm definitely not going to hate myself in the morning over one night with this guy ever, nor any other guy from my past. They've proved to me they're not worth it. I AM WORTH IT. Every single bit. Occassionally, I'll think about sending Matt a message just to say hi and see how he was doing, but then I think, why??? Uh, I haven't heard from him, so clearly he doesn't want to hear from me. It's pointless, and would only leave me with disappointment, or worse, it would lead me on and give me false hope. That's something I don't need any more of. I actually don't even want to look at his profile, especially right now. I don't want to come across something that will make me sad or hurt. Plus, he just disgusts me at the moment. I have no desire whatsoever. I was thinking about making a bet with myself--see how long I could go. But then I realized that'd do no good; it'd be just like a very strict diet where when you're forbidden to have something you want so bad, you just want it even more and then go over board with it. I'll "indulge" occasionally, when I feel like it, instead of banning myself from something that will just end up driving me crazy. But right now, I'm glad he's gone, and I'm glad I've finally decided to myself that I'm done with him.

You'll look back and won't believe that girl was me

Wow...I just went back and looked at my first entry on here. I haven't looked at that in forever, and it was so weird. I read a few of the other early ones, and it's amazing how far I've come along since then. I realize I still pretty much have the same emotions (plenty of heartbreak), but I was just so sad. So sad about the whole Adam situation. He really affected me in a major way. Not necessarily in a bad way, either. I think he did a lot of good in the guise of a heartbreaker. I learned so much from that experience. Not that it's helped much to date, but I've grown so much stronger and wiser. Now, I know better. Even when I continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, I at least know what I'm getting myself into. Oh, so I see that the jerk has logged on to myspace and didn't add me as his friend yet. What a loser. Yes, this is stalkerish behavior, I admit it. Why am I going back to him? I mean, not like he wants me back, or that I WANT him back. But that I'm starting to be obsessed with him like this?? Ok, so it probably has never really stopped...but since he's been on facebook, and now myspace, it's a little hard to not want to keep track of him. Hey, I know he does the same (there's proof from the occasional comments and that booty call at the beginning of October). But this is not good, not good at all. Because who's the first page I check besides my own? His. I'm soooo pathetic. I know I'm not the only one, because Ania does it too! We should start a club...girls who can't get over one specific guy, even though he is a complete jerk and we should not want anything to do with them ever again...except maybe a little one night stand, which will put us back where we were in the first place: MISERABLE. Yeah, that'd be the longest club title ever. I've completely lost track from where I started, and I'm not even gonna try and get back there tonight. More time to waste on myspace and various other turn-girls-into-psycho stalkers-sites. And I just learned that I have 3 subscribers to my blog on myspace! How cool is that...I didn't know anyone subscribed. Not that I write like this on there (whoa, that'd be revealing way too much to people who I wouldn't want to know was reading my stuff!).

When I'm waiting, when I'm waiting...I've been here before

Time has been nothing but WASTED today. Had class, came home, messed around on the computer a bit (I've rediscovered my obsession with myspace), went to the gym, gave Ania her present, and came home and have done NOTHING worthwhile since. Just listening to music and on myspace waiting for Adam to confirm me as his friend and looking for inspiration to make some layouts and other designs. I SHOULD be working on my public policy paper. But honestly, who's doing work right now? Most people are at home or on their way home...campus is going to be so dead tomorrow. And I will be in class, then taking a test. Woo, I'm so lucky.

everyday and every night...I wish I was your someone

It asked me if I really wanted to add him as a friend...did I really want to? I don't know, but I did it anyways. He better freaking confirm me!! Oh, but then the idea today completely repulsed me...and that's how it should be, right?? Yes. It should. We'll see how long that lasts...

I keep going back and forth...I want him, I don't want him...mostly, I DON'T WANT HIM...except for certain times....please come to your senses girl...YOU DON'T WANT HIM!!! But then again, I do.

Let me be your someone to hold you tight, someone to make you feel alright

It's raining and thundering outside...how long as it been since this has happened? Forever it seems. So it's the week of Thanksgiving, and I have 2 tests tomorrow...plus the second half of one on Wednesday. That's right, my teachers are very cruel and I have 2 classes that day. I usually skip them on that day. Not with the test now. So that sucks...now time for bed because I'm absolutely exhausted!

I like when you whisper softly things only I should hear that lead me on

In the newspaper today, there was an article on the CMAs. I am in no way a country fan, and I didn't read it. I just glanced at one of the pictures, which was Lee Ann Womack, and the caption underneath it read of a title of one of her songs, I May Hate Myself in the Morning. Hmmm, I thought. I wonder what that's about. I was curious, and wondering if this was something that would describe the type of behavior that Ania and I keep suffering from--going back to guys who are complete jerks and how we just can't get over them. Well, we've been finding various songs that describe our pain, and so I decided to check out the lyrics to this one. And sure enough, this one fits the BEST so far. Here they are:

Ain't it just like one of us
To pick up the phone and call after a couple drinks
Say how ya been I've been wondering if maybe you've been thinking 'bout me
And somewhere in the conversation
An ole familiar invitation always arrives
I may hate myself in the morning
But I'm gonna love you tonight

Everyone's known someone they just can't help but want
Even though we just can't make it work out
Well the want to lingers on
So once again we wind up in each other's arms pretending that it's right
I may hate myself in the morning
But I'm gonna love you tonight

I know it's wrong
But it ain't easy moving on
So why can't two friends
Remember the good times once again

Tomorrow when I wake up I'll be feeling a little guilty, a little sad
Thinking how it used to be before everything went bad
I guess that's what is
In lonely late night calls like this that we try to find
I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight

I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight

It's scary how true these lyrics are. I was seriously considering going back to Adam just on Saturday night! Thank God I didn't though. But that's just the conundrum: you think you're over someone, but then you run into them or something, and the feelings resurge. I don't believe you can completely get over someone. Ever. They will always mean something to you. Even if you hate them to the death, they still mean something to you (hate!). They may fade into oblivion, but there's always going to be a special place for them in your heart. And it's this reason why it's so easy to want to go back, and why we keep going back when we know we shouldn't. It's amazing how many people experience the exact same things with regard to relationships. There's obviously a standard, a formula to them, because this definitely happens to EVERYONE. At least every female!

Ewwww...how could I ever even think that??? Or even consider it?? ewww....

Picking up speed, I can barely breathe

My horoscope for the day: Get ready to say it all and to hear it all. Passionate words -- for better or worse -- are on the agenda. And you're definitely ready for this; in fact, you've probably been waiting for this encounter for some time.

What the heck is that supposed to mean??

So, he didn't end up calling me. Not that I expected that he would, but there was just this chance because I had seen him. I'm talking about Adam. I went to a Mae concert with Kathryn last night (had so much fun!). I knew before I even went that he would be there because he likes them (know that from facebook...in fact, that's where I discovered them...from his profile! I'm such a stalker, I know). Once I mentioned it to Kathryn, she agreed that we'd probably see him. And that we definitely did. Good thing I'd had a few drinks, and was looking totally hot...when we were walking along the back, sure enough, there he was. I could spot that boy anywhere, even if it's the back of his head (which it was!). RJ was right by him, which presented an opportunity for Adam to have to know that I was there. He ended up walking a way for a minute, so Kathryn and I decided to go say hi to RJ. Well, as we were standing there, Adam came back and was right behind me. I don't know if he saw me then or not, but I pretended like I didn't know he was there, in my typical fashion (remember Sebastian at the gym on Thursday?). I thought it was funny that RJ mentioned to Kathryn that Adam was there, but I don't know why he didn't say it to me. We left and went to the bar, and as I was standing there, I could see from the mirror along the wall that Adam was approaching. I felt a pinch on my back and I turn around to see him. He's like "what are you doing at the bar...you're such an alcoholic." I was like whatever and I really don't know what else was said. I think I tried to give him one of those side hugs you give to guys you know. It was definitely a short encounter, but at least he was the one that came up to me, because there was no way I was going up to him! He came up to me...now that's strange. When he went back to stand with RJ, I know he said something about me, because I could tell by the way was talking, you know in that I just saw/talked/whatever...blah blah blah...Hmmm...wonder what he said. But he ended being near me for a while, in the general vicinity. Wasn't sure what to expect, except that I had to pretend like crazy to ignore him and make it seem like I wasn't trying to be around him or following him or anything. I just let Kathryn take the lead. He ended up moving somewhere else during the concert at some point...to which by the end I kept glancing around (I was looking for cute boys! well, and Adam). Never saw him. Thank goodness I deleted his number from my phone, because if it was in there, I would have definitely called him. Why?? Not sure. I didn't really want him in the way that I used to, but I was feeling, well, like maybe if he called, I wouldn't turn him down. Such bad thoughts, I know. It would have been such a HORRIBLE idea...one that I couldn't explain to anyone. Ania would absolutely kill me! But nothing happened, and I soon came to the realization that he's still a jerk and will always be a jerk. At least we can be on friendly terms with each other.

Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

Yesterday I was wondering who in the world else I would end up seeing...at the gym, I saw Sebastian. He didn't say hi, nor did I. I know he ended up seeing me, but I pretended like I didn't know he was there. My typical reaction. But what a jerk to not even say hi to me! Whatever, who needs him? I certainly don't! And then on the way home to my parents' house, I passed Chris on the road. I saw what looked like his truck coming, and sure enough it was definitely him once he passed and I saw the back of his truck. He didn't see me, thank goodness!! I could be in Clemson right now, if only Ania didn't have that debate tournament. And I called Anne to see if she was around because I thought about going to Orlando for the weekend, just to get away and have some fun and visit. But turns out she's in Chicago. So much for that. But, exciting news for her--she's engaged! Wonder if I will be a bridesmaid?? I am her little sister, afterall...but if not, that's a lot less trouble (and money!) for me. I'll definitely be going to her wedding, though. I think I'm just going to take it easy this weekend and relax, try and get some things done (like clean my room and finish a book that's due Monday and work on another research paper and study for a test next week and the week after--ha! like that's gonna happen!!!). I've been really tired this week. I keep getting lightheaded/dizzy. Like mono-ish tired in a way. It's a really weird feeling. The good thing is I haven't been taking a lot of naps lately. I'm assumming that's a good thing, except when I really need it. But I'm finally feeling better and not currently sick at the moment! [knock on wood]. Running some errands with mom today and going to go through some old boxes of clothes to get rid of some stuff...time to get ready.

When you walk by everynight, talking sweet and looking fine, I get kinda hectic inside...

So am I feeling better about my body today? Not really, but it's not like it was yesterday. I did have a really good workout today, so that made me feel good. But right about now, it's not so great...So the big question is gonna be: do I drink when I go out tomorrow night? And my answer: I don't know how I can go out to a bar/club and not drink. I can't be sober around drunk people--they just annoy me too much. Besides, I get jealous when I see people drinking and I can't drink, because I WANT to drink. It's fun. I don't HAVE TO, but I PREFER to. Plus, when am I ever going to be able to drink like this again?? NEVER!! I'm graduating in the spring, and sure there'll be lots of times I still go out, but definitely not as much as I can now once I'm a full-time working girl. It's just that drinking has sooo many calories...I really do try to use the lowest calorie stuff that I possibly can (10-calorie juice, anyone??)...but once you get drunk, you don't really think about what you're drinking. This isn't a new concern of mine. I've thought about it ever since I started drinking last spring. But now it's really coming into the limelight, especially with the way I've been feeling about my body lately. As long as I continue to workout vigorously and consistently, I'll be fine. Just keep telling myself that, and it'll be ok. Because it really is ok. I don't drink that much, anyways. This'll probably be the only time this week that I drink because I don't plan on going out-out this weekend (partly because Ania won't be in town, partly because I want a break and do other non-drinking activities, say the movies maybe??). Of course, I could try going out sober for the first time, and work on my communicative/social skills...it's the perfect time to act crazy without being under the influence because everyone will just think you're drunk, just like them!! So we'll see....but I can already tell you what my answer is going to be...

I'll keep you my dirty little secret...

I was actually thinking about working out for a second time today. Just for like 15 minutes. But still. And I was also thinking about doing 15 minutes in the morning and then having my regular workout in the afternoon. This is really starting to scare me...do I really hate my body that much? I do sometimes, and I was when I was actually thinking about doing this. But I decided it would be best if I didn't because I already had a decent workout today, and I don't need to workout again. I'M NOT FAT. SO WHY DO I KEEP THINKING THESE THINGS??? I was so close to becoming a crazed-workout person...I'm on the verge of something very scary--I just know I am. Ever since the mono has screwed me up...I keep saying it's the mono. But is it really? Yes, it played a really huge role--I wasn't able to workout for sooo long after working out every single day. But now I'm getting back on track, except it's different this time. It's not controlling me like it used to. Or like I controlled myself with it. I give myself breaks (and I at least try and convince myself as best as I can that it's ok to do so). I'm letting myself indulge in foods every now and then that I wouldn't let myself eat (mainly because I didn't have a desire to do so). I still don't have much of a desire, but I'm learning that it's ok every once in a while. Or am I? Because everytime I have a piece of birthday cake or a some ice cream (it's not often at all), I have to keep repeating to myself that it's ok, you're not going to gain any weight from this. It's one time. IT'S ONLY ONE TIME. BUT WHY DO I FEEL SO GUILTY STILL??? Take yesterday...granted, I was a little drunk, but I ate so much food (well, more than I normally do at least). Actually, it wasn't that much...it's Ania's potato salad that's getting to me. It's something that I actually don't like, nor ever even had tried until I had some of hers. Yesterday I didn't really have a problem with eating it at all, justifying it as my treat. But in combination with a lot of beer (95 calories each, and who knows how much I drank), I feel really disgusted about it now. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and I like what I see and don't have a problem. But then again, like how I feel right now, I feel absolutely disgusting. There's no way that I can fit into those jeans right now, and I'm not even going to try because I'd start crying. But that's a stupid way to judge because they're a pair of jeans, and every single pair of jeans I own fits me differently, and one size in one brand might be too big or vice-versa. I can't remember the last time I felt this way about myself. The unhappiness with my life is gone, but it's just been replaced by this horrible body-image I have of myself right now. It's the (small, but nonetheless) weight gain. Probably around 5 pounds, but you have to understand that it's been over 2 years since I've had this much fat on me! Everyone would look at me like I'm crazy and say, what fat?? I KNOW!!! SO WHY CAN'T I SEE THAT MYSELF?? Why do I constantly find myself in this battle with myself? One minute I like it, then another I hate it. This is really not good at all. And the thing is, I know it's for the better (having gained some weight). I used to fluctaute between 98-102 pounds just 7-8 months ago...it's since I started drinking and then it was definitely the mono and it's freaking 4-5 month recovery...I'm still not even sure if I'm 100% better yet. It just really messed me up...I was doing so well, then I just saw my body change, even as slight as it was, it seems like a huge difference to me. Whereas I never used to compare myself to anyone, I am now constantly looking around at other girls and being like how can they stay that small when they're out and they drink a lot, and how come I can't?? No, I know I can, it's just been getting back to my exercise intensity level--it was sooo high before...I was running 5 miles in under 40 minutes! I haven't been able to do that yet...at least I haven't tried. Maybe I'll try doing that tomorrow, or at least get as close to it as I can, and maybe it will help boost my self-image. But if I don't, will I be disappointed in myself??? It's just a never ending cycle that just keeps speeding up faster and faster...pretty soon I might fly off if I don't start slowing down.

Say anything, but say what you mean

Procrastination is my new best friend as of lately. I don't know what's with me, but I just do not want to study or work on papers or even be in class...not that I ever really want to be in class, but my desire to skip has increased dramatically. And I'm probably going to be paying for all this soon (like Tuesday, when I have a test that I haven't studied for, nor have I really kept up with the material--I know, I'm such a bad girl!). But, I am just a page away (or more like a couple of paragraphs) from being finished with my international conflict research paper. Thank goodness!!! But, once I'm done with that, I have another 15 page one I gotta get on. The life of a college student...I really don't understand how people can write theses and dissertations and all that kind of "academic" stuff...I have absolutely no desire or want to do any of that. That's one reason why I'm not going to grad school next year...I need a break from all that stuff! I just really hate doing research, and especially combining that research into a paper. So I've gotta briefly mention this...on Halloween, I went with Ania to a fraternity date function (her roommate took both of us as his dates, lucky him...). Anyways, remember Andrew from last spring? I know I wrote about it, because he was the guy that I made out with like crazy the first night Ania and I went out at that crush. Well, he was there, and once I'd gotten a little drunk, I got the crazy idea that I really wanted to make out with him!! He just looked so cute, and he was there. Well, sorta, because he had a date, who he didn't like, by the way. I know he SO wanted to make out with me, because he kept staring/looking at me the ENTIRE night!! I think what I enjoyed most about it was getting a kick out of the fact that he wanted me so bad, lol!! But I did get frustrated because of his stupid date...I wanted what I couldn't have. That was what was really behind it all. Ok, time to get ready for bed (and to do a little reading??).

So since you want me, you'll have to follow through with every word you say

My theme song for guys from now on is stated above. When I heard that on the radio I was like, it's written just for me!! Not really, but I thought how it fit my attitude about guys at the current moment. I knew after that night he'd end up like all the other ones--he'd be like them all. But whatever. I don't want someone who doesn't want to call me or spend time with with or who isn't absolutely crazy about me! And I'm going to be selfish from now on when it comes to this, because I always give everything I have to the guy, and for what? Absolutely nothing but disrespect and hurt in return. So not worth it. It's been a lazy, lazy day. It started out pretty productive, but then the headache came on, and then I just didn't feel like studying! I've got senioritis so bad! And I don't think there's anyone who would disapprove of me not studying so much...There's definitely a lot to do, and not much time left, so that's why I'm gonna make the most of it and study as little as possible to still keep my sanity while leaving plenty of time for fun! Alrighty, time now to try and go be productive for at least a half hour before I go to sleep...yeah, like that's gonna happen...

I'M SO HAPPY...I CAN STILL FIT INTO MY FAVORITE JEANS FROM LAST YEAR!!! I tried them on a month or two ago and they didn't fit, so I got really discouraged and upset that I had gained so much weight. Well, I guess I really haven't gained very much after all, which is good news. Now maybe I can feel better about myself and not worry about it so much. I've just gotta get back into consistently working out and I'm good, because my eating habits haven't changed from how they've been for the past 2 years. Now, if only I can get well and stay well, I'll be just great!!

The innocent can never last

It's cold outside, and all I wanna do is just cuddle up in my bed and watch my tv shows from this week! It's been another day where I should have been productive, well where I've tried to be productive, but a stupid painful headache has gotten the best of me each time. Did I mention how I hate being sick? This weather is just absolutely gorgeous, though. It just reinforces why I love this time of year so much...the dry, cooler air, the leaves falling from the trees, pumpkins! This weekend has been a recovery weekend for me--one to get well. Which hopefully will work. I don't know what I should be for Halloween. I'm pretty sure I'll be going out on Monday (Ania won't have me staying in, lol!), and hopefully Ania will want to, because I've never been out for Halloween before. Heck, I can't even remember the last time I did anything for Halloween. The last time I went trick-or-treating was when I was in 8th grade. Not that I'll be doing that...I always wish that I had done so much more when this time comes; it just goes by so fast. I'll have to wait for next year, though. I want to have a Christmas party after finals week. So we can all relax and let loose and have fun. It'll be a fancy affair, so everyone will have to dress up in pretty party dresses and stuff (always wanted to do that!). Sounds like a plan. And yes! We get an hour back tonight! No more daylight savings time! Woo-hoo! I definitely need that extra hour, although after tomorrow, it won't make any more of a difference! But that's okay...I feel like eating a little snack and getting in bed...so tired and feel another headache coming on :(

Oh, and boys suck.

A little piece of heaven turns to dark

I don't want to study...wasting time so I don't have to. I'm feeling creative. I want to make something. Too bad I really need to study because I'm behind in a couple of my classes from missing a day. I have a research paper to write. Two, actually. One is due in 2 weeks. Need to get on that. There's a big macro test next week. And a test the week after that, plus a huge book to read. And did I mention I'm sick? Not just physically, but so sick of school itself?? I'm trying to make the easiest possible schedule for next semester. No more requirements to fulfill. Just 10 hours of electives. I wanted to take a photography class, but no, you have to be an art major. Which sucks because I got really excited about it because I love taking pictures. I want a new digital camera. And a really good film camera. I can use my parents' old one if I want. Pictures, pictures, pictures. I'm obsessed. And I'm just rambling on about nothing because I don't want to study. No studying. No studying. I'm sick of studying. But I guess it's time to study now.

You've built a love, but that love falls apart

When will I ever not be sick?? I have not been well since June. Having mono really did a number on my immune system, because I keep catching every cold/infection known to man. Seriously, there has not been a time at all this semester where I was well. And this week has been no different. I hate it so much. And to top it off, I found another guy who doesn't want to be my boyfriend or have anything to do with me. It seemed really promising; except now I realize that it's not going to go any further. It was so different this time. I actually haven't done anything but makeout with this guy. Which I'm so proud of, because it's a huge change from before, where I'd jump in way too soon. It's just so disappointing. How can it not have something to do with me??? It happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. This guy wasn't exactly a Skip or Chris or Adam...so far from it. He was actually the type of guy that I used to always go for. Not the one I had to prove to myself that I could get. When we went out, things were soooo good. Ania painted his wall at his place on Monday...couldn't really tell anything from him. But then last night, when we went back to work on it, I just did not feel a vibe at all. I don't know if it's because he had his friends around, or what. Ania at first was like, he's so cute, but then she started having reservations, like he doesn't call. He called me once. On my birthday Saturday to wish me happy birthday because I must have mentioned it a million types when I met him on Wednesday. We ended up going to a party and I stayed over at his place and just falling asleep in his arms was so amazing. I haven't called him; I have text messaged him to say hi, and wrote a little message on his facebook wall, but that's it. It's not like any of the other guys ever actually called me. I was the one always calling them. I don't know. Something tells me to just give up, not to bother or worry about it. But when is it going to happen??? I'm so sick of it. Where the hell are you supposed to find them? I know there are guys that will become involved with a girl when they find someone they like; it just so happens that I'm the one they will never like. It doesn't help that I HATE my body right now. Being sick has done a number to my body image and self esteem. I don't want to feel depressed and sad. I just want to get better. NOW.

Lately I've been thinking, lately I've been dreaming with you

So much has happened this past week...I am now 22 years old, which is really strange to think about. 22. That's so old! I had one of the best birthdays that I have ever had, though. You know what I always used to wish for when I'd blow out my candles? To be happy. And finally, for once, I didn't have to wish for that, because I already am. Wednesday night I went to a Phi Sig day glo party and met this guy named Sebastian...he's sooo cute and such a nice guy. I had one of the best nights that I'd had in such a long time. It was great because all we did was kiss and cuddle...absolutely amazing!!! But unfortunately for Ania, things didn't turn out so well...she ended up having alcohol poisoning and I had to take her to the emergency room and take care of her on Thursday. Luckily, she is alright. I'm so nervous! I just sent a text message to Sebastian...I hope he doesn't get the wrong impression...I really think things could work out this time. We hung out with him and a couple of his brothers last night and went to a party. I had a GREAT time with him. He would keep saying how we just connected and he would hold my hand and it was just so much fun. I went back to his place and spent the night, just kissing and cuddling and sleeping, which is all he wanted to do in the first place! He's kind of a surfer type boy, he's 2 years younger, but who cares?? He thinks I am so beautiful and sexy and amazing. AHHHHH!!!!! I really could see myself in a relationship with him. Hopefully he wants the same thing. He's so funny, too, in a silly kind of way, but he kept making me laugh all night. So sweet! I'm in love...not really, but I've definitely got a crush!! And Friday night...what can I say? I can't remember half the night, lol! Definitely so much fun. We went to AJ's, where there was like no one out because of FAMU homecoming, but I still had a good time. Obviously had a little too much to drink, and apparently was very sick the rest of the night. The last thing I remember doing was taking a shot upstairs with a really super hot guy (who happened to know Skip and his friends). And then it's completely dark after that point. Never got a chance to go into the fountain...was going to last night, but it didn't happen...went and made out instead, so it was ok!!

Intoxicate me now, with your loving now, I think I'm ready now

My brain is fried. No more studying or homework for me tonight. I'm about to go to bed in fact. I love working out. It always makes me feel so much better about myself. I just need to get back to the level of where I used to be, and I'm on my way, because I had a workout today that was like I used to do pretty much everyday...so hopefully that will solve my issues that I'm having with my body right now. Ok, so I have no idea what is up with myspace right now, and why I am getting all these weird friend requests from people I don't know...all of a sudden, in the past 3 days, I've gott probably at least 30 requests. Yes, it's ridiculous, and creepy! I have no idea where they're coming from, or how these people found me, because I'm definitely not connected to them through friends...it might be time to get off that site soon...well, maybe, haha...Guess who I HAVEN'T heard from?? Skip. But whatever, who needs him?? I certainly don't!! I haven't heard from the other two losers either, thank goodness! 4 more days...(sorry I'm obsessed!!)

It's just another manic monday...I wish it were sunday...

When did I become so insecure about my body? I don't know, but I'm more insure about it than I have ever been I feel, or at least in a long, long time. Why do I feel this way? There's nothing wrong with the way I look. But if it wasn't for that stupid mono that screwed everything up, I don't think I'd be feeling this way. I hate it so much. I just want to get back to normal. I have a major midterm on Wednesday. All essay. It's really going to suck, but the studying for it is even worse. I hate studying so much. But I don't have to make an A--what he's looking for is an impossibly high standard for only 50 minutes, having to write 3 short answers plus a full-length essay. Whatever. I'll just put down whatever I know, and if it isn't good enough for him, well too bad. Because I don't really care. They're just grades, and this is my last year. What good are grades going to matter out in the real world? I don't plan on going to grad school any time soon--I just can't handle any more school. I need to get out in the world and get some experience working. Not yet, though. But after this year. That's why I'm trying to make this a fun year, since I wasted the past 2 1/2 being miserable...

Let's go back, back to the beginning...

So I'm finding it very, very hard to concentrate and study these days. Could it be because I'm starting not to care so much? Possibly. Senioritis? A little bit. I don't know what it is, but you could NEVER get me to sit down and study like I used to, just a year ago even it. Not gonna happen! That's good and bad in its own ways. Good in that I'm not spending my life studying like a maniac for no reason anymore, but bad in that I still need to study. But whatever, I've been studying enough for this test tomorrow since last week, doing a little almost everyday. I'll do however I do. I cried at the end of Smallville tonight. Yeah, I'm a huge dork, and it wasn't exactly something that would make you cry, but I did. Clark and Lana were finally going to have sex with each other, and just the way they alluded up to it was just everything that I wish I had. I really can't distinguish whether I regret it or not anymore. Sometimes I really still wished I'd waited. Then at others, I was living in the moment, and at the time it was right. The whole time I was watching it, I thought of Skip. Why? Because he's the one who I've been the most intimate with, going beyond actual sex. That last time...the connection I felt was just too strong, too much to handle. I wasn't supposed to feel that way in that situation. But there's nothing I could--or still can--do to change his mind. Nor is it worth my time or energy to keep trying. I haven't heard from him in I guess 2 weeks now--not since I saw him at AJ's 2 Friday's ago. And he hasn't called me, so I'm definitely not going to bother. I've actually been doing quite well, and I've adjusted much better than I have with any other guy. Or have I really? Am I just pretending? No, I don't think I am. Yes, I put so much of myself into him, and he brought out a side of me I never knew I had, but I honestly am ok. What happened, happened. And all I can do is savor the memories. I'm not going to let this one get me down. I don't need him, nor do I need any other guy to get by. I'm doing just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch. I won't be by myself forever, despite what it may feel like. I'm just not going to put up with this kind of crap I have been putting up with from guys. I'll find someone who will treat me like the princess I am!

There's no easy way to say goodbye, so baby just say goodnight

Do you know what Adam said to me on Saturday night when he came over (besides begging me for sex)? He said I was getting FAT. Yes, me getting fat. In no way, shape or form do I think, or feel, or look, like I'm "getting fat." He's joked about it before (like when I saw him before school got out and during the summer), and I've always brushed it off like nothing. I still am, but it's really bothering me, not because I care what he thinks (or any guy for that matter), but because I'm still not totally happy with my body again. I mean, I weighed give or take a hundred pounds when I first met him; I'd run 5 miles a day for heaven's sake! And honestly, I loved the way I looked and felt, and I don't think I looked unhealthy, but I realize that I was soooo thin at some points, which isn't very healthy. It wasn't an unhealthy thin, because I'd workout and do cardio for about 45 minutes EVERY day, and I ate plenty (of healthy stuff). But as I look back on it and compare myself now, I realize that I needed to gain some weight, because I was just too small. And I've been sick for the past 3 months and haven't been able to workout like I used to. I'm just now really getting back into it. And yeah, it's taking some getting used to to accept my body as it is now (a mere 5 pounds gained probably--but I still don't like it), but I now I'll be back where I want to be soon. I won't get to the size I was for like 2 years, but that's ok, I don't want that. I just want my muscle back that I lost over these past few months. I can't believe he had the nerve to say that to me. He was just joking, but still. WHAT A JERK!!!!!! What kind of guy even jokes like that with a girl??? Right now, he just makes me so sick and so mad. What was I thinking Saturday when I let him come over. I must have been on drugs or something. No, it was all me. Unfortunately. I really don't want anything to do with him anymore. There was definitely a reason for that night to happen, because in the back of my mind, there was always this little thought that kept saying, just maybe...I'd say he wasn't a bad guy...I knew the way he acted and treated me made him a jerk, but I don't think I ever really believed it. I had to find out once and for all, so that voice could go away. And it has. Today was my second day (in a row) of not taking a nap!

Say it ain't so

Dear Adam,

What in the hell was I thinking last night, inviting you over at 2:30am?? Not that it was my idea; you were the one who called me, completely out of the blue. Actually, I had this feeling that you might happen to call; afterall, you did post a comment on my wall, something you've never done before. It had some purpose apparently. I knew from the moment I saw your number on my phone (I recognized the area code, because I deleted, yes DELETED, your number from my phone last week), EXACTLY what you wanted. There's only one reason for 2 am phone calls, and it's not just to say hi. I can't believe that you said you wouldn't leave this time. Like I was going to have sex with you. Again. Right. After the biggest mistake that I made last time. And it's incredibly presumptuous to think that I'd sleep with you after not hearing from you or seeing you in over what, 3 months? Save a facebook message you never responded back to (go figure) and a brief sighting at a football game. Do you realize how PATHETIC you sounded last night? You were begging me, BEGGING me, to have sex with you. Let's try it again you kept saying. You wanted to make it right this time, since it was quite a disaster the first. But why would I want to? So I could hate myself again? So I could never hear from you again? That's all it would be, and you know it. You haven't changed; nor have your motives. That wouldn't be it, you said. Sure. Like I can believe you after you've done nothing but prove the complete opposite everytime. We want different things. I put it behind me and moved on. But I guess I keep going back when the opportunity presents itself. Except for this time. I said I wasn't going to sleep with you, and I didn't. I'm so proud that I didn't give in this time. I can't do the casual thing. I've tried, but it doesn't work. Sex is NOT meaningless to me. For a while, I tried to make it so, but that's not me. I was pretending to be something I wasn't, and doing it for all the wrong reasons with all the WRONG guys. What happened to the days when we could just make out, and that was it? Am I just kidding myself that there was actually a time? Well, there was at least for me, when I had absolutely no problem saying no. But unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I just don't understand why you thought I'd be so easy (we did it once, so that means I'm going to again? I thought I made myself clear when I told you I regreted it). And you made yourself perfectly clear when you told me you didn't want to be in a relationship with me, because you think we don't have anything in common. And that's fine if that's what you want, but it's not what I want at all. And it's about time I start putting what I WANT first. I want someone who wants to spend time with me, who wants to call me, who will get to know me before rushing into anything. Ania came up with the best analogy one time: It's like starting a movie and fast-forwarding straight to the end. What about the beginning, and especially the middle? Would you start watching a movie from the end? Maybe, but you'd be missing the best parts. And sex isn't it; that's the icing on the cake. At least that's how I've always viewed it; although that view has become obscured in the past few months. But it doesn't mean I can't go back to that. Because I'm not settling for anything less anymore. No more guys who want to see me for only sex. I'm done with it. It's gotten me no where, and done nothing but make my life miserable. Sure it's great in the moment, but I want more. I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. With guys, it's all about instant gratification; and you're no different from any other guy I've come across. That's why I couldn't believe a word you said last night. And why I actually scoffed at your remark about that it wouldn't be it. Sure Adam. I wasn't going to wait around for history to repeat itself. I can't do that to myself again. You showed me what you were all about last night, not that I didn't know it already. If you ever want to hang out during the day, go to lunch, whatever, give me a call. But until then, don't even bother if you've got other ideas, because it's NOT going to happen again with us. I won't let it.