Kiss me at midnight, dance until the morning light...party into the new year!

A second has been added to our lives. Yes, it's true. It happened at exactly 7pm eastern time. It's only one second, but that's one more second that we get to live.

It's New Year's Eve. Only 5 more hours left of 2005. And I'll be ringing it in at a party. Thank goodness I have plans. Because otherwise it would be a very, very sad and unhappy night. I may not know many people at this party and I'm going alone, but I'm determined to have fun. Nothing will ruin my night. And who cares if there's no one to kiss me at midnight? It's out with the old and in with the new! A new year for new guys. Not going back to any of the ones from this past year. There really were quite a few, weren't there? I went from 0 to 4 in a matter of months, from 0 to I've lost count for the number of kisses I've had. Overall, it's been a really good year. But I really don't feel like reflecting on it right now. I only have 3 hours to get ready for tonight!!!

Ooo boy you lookin' like you like what you see

December 29, 2005

Only 2 more days left in the year. That’s really weird if you think about it. Another year coming to an end, only to begin anew. It ends, but it doesn’t. I don’t usually think of the start of the New Year as “new” in the sense that I have a new beginning. Because you really don’t. It’s just a part of the continuum. I’m more used to a new year starting in the fall, coinciding with the start school. I hate how at this time of year everyone is making resolutions to lose weight, get healthy, eat right, etc. It’s so annoying. Why wait until the date changes? Why not today? But hey, as long as you stick with it, then go for it. But those resolutions just don’t seem to last. Speaking of resolutions…hmmm…should I make any? I don’t typically make them. Not like a list, at least. Just in a general sense. I’ll think about it.

December 30, 2005

It is the most gorgeous day ever today. Well, maybe not ever, but for the end of December, it’s so nice. I’m in Pensacola, too. And we’re going to be going to the beach to visit my granddad in a little while. I wish it wasn’t so late so I could go out and layout on the beach! But I’m going to go out there anyway, bathing suit or not. I don’t want it to get cold again. It always does this though. For Christmas it’s cold, but then afterwards, it gets warm for a week or so until new year’s. Then it’ll get cold again. So I’ve decide I’ve got 1 and a half days left now, and I’m putting it all behind me. For good. I had the weirdest dream about him last night. We were on something like a date, but everything had already happened between us, and we both knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. It was so awkward. The dream was completely out of nowhere, because I haven’t been obsessing over him for a while. Yeah, for a while. That’s an improvement at least from recently when I was about to make a huge mistake! I haven’t even looked at his facebook page! I know! The last time I looked, I think it was Monday, and I saw he had a comment from that stupid girl saying she missed him. I immediately closed the browser. It made me sick. Not exactly sad, maybe a little hurt, but I just didn’t care to see any of it. Not now, not ever, so that’s why I haven’t gone back. I don’t want to do that to myself. It hurts too much. And besides, there’s no reason to. I’m going to try and keep it up. Maybe that’s what is needed to keep me away. It’s going to be a little hard, though, with the dates that are coming up really soon. It will be a year since I met him next Sunday. And our first date will soon follow. I just can’t think about it. That’s simply it. I have been thinking about the memories. But that’s all I have. Memories. And these memories are better than the reality, unfortunately. But it’s ok. He’s gone, it’s through. It’s been through for a long time. I just don’t want to completely let go. But you can’t completely let go. It’s impossible because there will always be that memory of him, the experience of being with him. I wonder sometimes whether it would have been better to never had met him. But then I think, no it wouldn’t. I don’t regret it. He was a huge part of my year last year, and my growth. Would I have ever gone to Gainesville that night? Wanted to go out that Wednesday night that I asked Ania to go out with me? I’ll never know. But I do know, everything that happened, despite how it turned out, was worth it. Because look at me now.

The first night that we slept with the light on...

That last post is from Christmas Eve. I didn't have access to the internet to post it at the time, and I just now got around to doing it. My stupid CD burner is driving me nuts. It works sometimes, but mostly it just wastes blank cds by messing up during the middle of a burn. I'm going out of town tomorrow and wanna burn a cd for the trip. It better work in the morning. Yeah, so I'm going to Pensacola with my dad and sister to see Gramme since she couldn't come over here for Christmas. Not exactly thrilled about going, but I guess it gives me something to do other than nothing at home. Although I am trying to get organized and get rid of all the junk that I don't need and is just sitting around taking up space. It's really bothering me. And I'm trying to find ideas for my "new" room. I'll end up changing it probably at the beginning of summer. I know it's a long time, so why am I doing it now? Well, it's a good thing I'm starting because it's gonna take forever to decide what I want it to look like! Finding bedding alone is not going to be fun. It's one of those occasions where I know exactly what I want, but I don't...a "know it when I see it" kind of deal. It'll either be for my current place, or perhaps a new place if I end up somewhere else. Which isn't likely to happen, but you never know. I certainly don't at this point. Anything can happen, especially when your number one priority will be to get a real job. Scary. So....New Years. As of now, I do have some plans. And hopefully nothing will change them (at least, nothing for the worst...if something, or more like someone else, comes along, then they might). A girl that was on the dance team with me is having a party. We had a little dance team reunion on Monday night, and everyone except for her as it turns out is going out of town for that day, which sucks. She originally didn't have plans, so the yesterday I facebooked her and asked her if she wanted to do something since I knew she was in the same position as me. She decided that she's going to have a party, and that's where I'm gonna go. It should be fun--it's a formal dress party, so I finally get to wear this black dress that I've had since spring. I am a little nervous, because I don't know if I'll know anyone else there. Well, I probably will since I'm sure there'll be lots of people from high school. But who cares? It'll test my abilities, which I need lots of practice for since I'm throwing myself back into the sorority. And the countdown begins...

I wanna be your lover, but baby you can't behave

This is the second time I'm writing this because as I was writing the first time, my program froze, and I was unable to save it unfortunately. But at least it wasn't much. Anyways, I am at home, spending the first night in what must be forever at my parents' house. It's the day before Christmas eve, and I just decided to go home a day early. Why not? It's weird because I'm not sleeping in my old room; I'm in my sister's old room. My grandma's in mine, and Allison will end up sleeping somewhere around here tomorrow night and Christmas night. My excuse is that I've got to keep Chloe company. Hopefully she won't keep me up all night. She's been hiding under the bed since I brought here over here. She's not a happy kitty right now.

I was thinking earlier on the way home from the mall--yes, I went to the mall briefly this evening with my mom and grandma because she wanted to look for something...not a fun trip because she wanted to get my cousin Jennifer some clothes item for Christmas, and she has no idea what or how to pick out clothes for anyone, and it was just soooo frustrating--how I've never really seen a guy in love before. I'm beginning to wonder if they even fall in love, or experience anything like we girls do. Yeah, there are a million songs that guys sing about being in love and heartbreak. But I've never been around one. At least I can't think of anyone. Have I become that skeptical?? Maybe I have. Or it's just the guys that I've been around. I don't even know what my point is anymore, just that my confidence in guys and dating and love is just extremely low right now. I need someone to prove me wrong. Prove all of my skeptism wrong, show me that I'm wrong. And this is one thing I wouldn't be mad about being wrong about. I want to be wrong. I don't want to be right this time. I've been right so far for too long. It's time to break the cycle.

Wow. It's weird being in my sister's room right now. I've hooked my laptop up to her speakers and am listening to some new music that I downloaded last night. And just thinking. That's what I do a lot of lately. There's so much to think about, though. Way too much because it's been hindering my ability to fall asleep. The voices just won't stop. One thought leads to another and another and another. And it just won't end. Eventually it does, only to start right back up once I wake up.

the sea changes colors, but the sea does not change

Wasted another evening on the computer. This time checking out and looking for new music. I did just watch a movie. Woo.

I want you to want me

Then I go and realize what in the world am I thinking?? No. Just simply no. way. He makes me feel so incredibly dumb. He doesn't CARE about me. He doesn't THINK about me. So WHY would I want HIM??? And the answer is I know I really don't. I just want what I can't have. And because I'm lonely and I would settle for a jerk like him. No I wouldn't. I WILL NOT. Not EVER. I'm waiting for someone MUCH better. 100% better. And he will come across my path eventually. Why were we supposed to meet? So he could show me exactly what I DON'T WANT. And why I shouldn't settle for a complete loser like he is. Because a winner will not treat me like he has.

I'm so, so, so lonely. The holidays are the worst time of year for loneliness. There goes selfish me again...I don't know what lonely is...not compared to my brother's friend's parents. It will be a year ago in about an hour that he was killed in a car crash. Last year was not a happy Christmas. I don't want to make it another one. So I can choose to go one way or another. I can choose to be happy, or I can choose to be miserable and depressed. I did see my good friends tonight, which is a happy note. But I want a boyfriend. That's a sad note, because there's no one that cares for me. I don't know if I can believe that there is one person out there for me right now. I'm not looking at marraige, nor am I looking to find the love of my life (well, ok, I am, but I'm not). I just want a relationship with someone who loves me and cares about me and wants to be with me. Who wants to be with me?? NO ONE. No one ever has. They haven't stayed. Or they cheat on me (but thankfully that made me reevaluate that situation, and get me out of something that I really didn't want to be in in the first place). Your time will come, they say. Stop looking, and it'll happen. Well FUCK that. I've been listening to that my whole freaking life--since I've reached "dating age" and nothing has happened. Not until this freaking year alone!! And what has happened??? Nothing but complete heartbreak and disappointment. I better be getting it all out of the way now. But I'm not. Maybe I'm just one of those people destined to be alone. Or won't find someone until they're 35, which completely sucks. All I want is to have a boyfriend of more than a month (which you can't really get much accomplished in a month) before I graduate college. Frankly, I will not be meeting the love of my life here, nor any future possibilities for husbands. Guys here suck. All they want is to hookup, and that's it. But that's guys everywhere. Especially college guys. Why do the ones that don't want anything find me?? Yeah, and New Years is gonna suck, too. Not only will I not have someone to kiss at midnight, but I will be at home, crying and depressed, because as of now, I have no plans. But that's not because I can't figure out what I want to do. It's because there's NO ONE TO DO ANYTHING WITH. That's what I want for Christmas. Friends. For New Years especially. Just give me someone to go out with and get drunk with, and I'll be happy (well, I've got to approve...I do have standards). Why is it like this for me?? I don't deserve this.

And if it takes all night, I'll wait until the daylight to see that we just don't belong

Do you ever feel like you're just supposed to meet certain people? No matter how bad the experience may be with them? It's never obvious at first, and it usually becomes apparent much later. But they become your weakness. You can't say no. Or it's incredibly difficult to. They just get under your skin, and you wonder why this person makes you feel this way. They don't go away, either. Some way or another, they just come back into your life after being gone like they never existed. Except that they did, and that they do every single day of your life. No matter how hard you try to deny them, they're just there. Inside you. They've taken a piece of you hostage and all you want to do is get your freedom back. They test your resolve. They make you wonder how you could ever be so stupid, or why you just cannot learn. But then again, they make you stronger, wiser. And you do learn; you just choose to ignore the lesson for the instant gratification of knowing they're thinking about you. You vow to never go back, to never lower your standards, that someone else much better is out there for you. And you believe that you believe it. But you really do. Sometimes. Most of the time. But then the loneliness sinks in...

If it's alright, I'll stay until it's later until you tell me that it's time that we moved on

Christmas just doesn't seem the same anymore. Not since I started picking out my presents, which started about 2 years ago. The same goes for birthdays, but that's another story. It's good in that you get exactly what you want since you picked it out, but it takes all the surprise out when opening presents on Christmas morning. I guess I feel guilty, too. For wanting things. For getting some of the things that I want, more specifically. Especially when I know I don't need it or shouldn't get it because money is tight. And how bad is this: I need work/business clothes for my internship in the spring, but I don't want it to be a part of my present. Do I feel horrible or what when my mom says she needs more to wrap up, or asks if she can wrap up a pair of pants or dress shirts. I can be so selfish. But I haven't asked for anything because there's nothing that I really, really want. Nothing that I can't live without. I should be thinking about the future. Spring break, for one. I want to go somewhere, but that's gonna cost money. And I'm doing the sorority again. There goes $2000. And graduation...I can't even mention that I want to go to Europe or travel. It's not going to happen because there's no way I can afford it. Part of my guilt comes from the fact that I don't have a job, nor have I ever had a job. So no income to contribute. During the school year, that's understandable. But I've wasted every summer doing absolutely nothing. And I'm not just talking about not working. I mean not doing anything like studying abroad, which I kinda wish I had done. I feel a little jealous when I hear people are doing that or have done it. I've just been lost. I haven't known what to do, and cannot seem to figure it out. And I'm still pretty lost. What in the world am I going to do after graduation? Obviously get a job, but doing what?? I absolutely HATE it when people ask me what I'm going to do. I know they're just being polite or curious, but it's annoying because I don't have an answer other than I don't know. I definitely know it's not school. I probably should, but I just cannot do it. Mentally, physically...I'm just drained. I've killed myself working so hard for nothing ever since high school. It's time for a break. To move onto something new and different. I just hate how I'm going to waste another 3 weeks doing nothing again. Especially since I'm going to spend it pretty much alone. AHHHHH there I go again, choking back the urge to cry. Why do I do this to myself???? It's a mystery. One that I don't think I'm ever going to figure out.

something about your lips, something about your kiss...

Today was a lazy day. It's been raining nonstop. And it's freezing outside. So, it was a perfect opportunity to do nothing but lay in bed all afternoon and watch tv. But I did have a very good workout. And I went out to dinner with my mom and brother. So I technically didn't do nothing. I looked sooo good tonight. So of course I used it as another opportunity to take a million pictures of myself. But hey, they're for facebook, lol...I am so OBSESSED with taking pictures...of myself. Yes, it sounds really conceited. Maybe it is. But I don't care. It's fun. And I like to see what I look like. And tonight I didn't really care if I didn't go out because of the nasty weather. But I kinda wish I had...

Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying

Last night=miserable and depressed. Today=still feeling sad. Tonight=another night all alone at home. And the rest of the break will be the same. Last night Ania and I were supposed to go out and celebrate finals being over and have our last night out of the semester before she went home. But she calls me and tells me that afternoon that she's not going to go out because she doesn't have any money. I understand that. But I'd pay for her. I already had the liquor to drink beforehand, and it's nothing she would have to pay for. I understand that she was extremely tired because she hasn't slept all week. But that's not my fault. I'm not the one who waited until the last minute to study. She was supposed to call me later yesterday evening and we'd hangout. She never calls. I call her. She doesn't pick up. I'm absolutely soooo sad and crying. I have no one else to call to see who's going out. I'm sick of having to be the one to invite people to do things. They apparently don't ever think of me or want to hang out with me, or else they'd call me and invite me to do something once in awhile. I put in all the effort. For what? For nothing. I always end up feeling like the third wheel, anyways. Like I don't belong. Like I'm just tagging along and not really apart of everything. And it sucks. It sucks not having other friends to go out with. Last night I refused to call anyone. Tonight I succumbed to a few. But to no avail. I'm so desperate I put up an away message asking for people to call me if they wanted to go out. Obviously that didn't work. So I'm stuck at home once again. I guess I could ask my sister if she wanted to go see a movie. But there's nothing I want to waste $7 bucks on. I'd rather spend that on alcohol. Shows you where my priorities are. Maybe it'll be alright that I don't go out. It doesn't seem like people are going to be going out. Everyone's gone home, too. Or have they? Of course they probably haven't tonight, the one night that they're still here I won't be going out. I'm kinda losing the mood to go out now, anyways. It's just not worth the effort of finding someone to go out with. And I'm already on and off tearing up about it. I don't think I'd be in a good mood, or able to get in a good mood. It shouldn't be this hard. I wish I wasn't so alone.

Can we throw away all the casual?

Once again, my brain has reached the point that it is fried. I can take no more. I just end up staring blankly at the page, wondering what the heck I am looking at. It always happens around exam time. Well, any really important test. The essay ones, especially. Those are the ABSOLUTE worst. I hate them with a passion. Give me multiple choice. So much better. That way I don't have to memorize a million identification terms and possible answers to essay questions. And it's my last exam. WHY?? At the very end. That's when they always come. The last ones. Oh, so you'd think that would be good since it gives you more time to study. WRONG! Because by the time it comes around, you want to be done. No more studying, so you don't end up studying as much. At least I don't because it just becomes too much. I also start before the night before the exam, which is also why I'm ready to not study anymore. I just get so sick of it. Not to mention the headaches, speaking of which I've got a major one right now. Yeah, so I'm not going out after all. Ania called me today and was like, let's go to AJ's, and I agreed, but she wasn't 100 percent sure it would happen. And as the day went on, I kept wondering if it would be a good idea. I'm not worried about my one tomorrow. I just didn't want to be hungover tomorrow so I couldn't study. But problem is solved because I'm not going out. I'm just as happy though. So tired and bad headache. At least now I get to sleep in tomorrow morning. Oh, wait. I have a cat. That won't happen.

And enough complaining about exams already. I know, I know. Just gotta let it out sometimes. Plus, that's all that going on.

Can we try a little more personal?

Study break. Studying really sucks, and I don't want to do it at all. And I really haven't been doing very much at all. Just three more days, and I'm done. Tomorrow night, going out. Despite having a final the next day. But this time it's at 12:30pm instead of 7:30am. So that's so much better. And then there's Thursday, which will be the grand finale...can't wait. I just need to watch how much I drink. I was hungover ALL weekend. Especially Sunday. And it was not fun at all. But the night before it was! Friday I had a little break down...first occuring before I started drinking over a parking issue, then culminating at the end of the night big time while I was drunk. I was so upset. And to make matters worse, I was on Ania's back porch, and went to go inside and see her, and I smacked right into her glass door, not knowing it wasn't open. And I hit that thing hard. It wasn't really swollen or anything the next day, just slightly bruised, but nothing noticeable. But yeah, I admit that I ran into a glass door. But hey, at least I was drunk!

Cause perfect never felt so perfect

I don't know what it is, but it must be something to do with the holidays. I just feel so incredibly lonely right now. And it's not just the lonely in the sense that I wish I had a boyfriend (I mean, I do, but it's more than that). It's just an all-around lonesome feeling. Ania jokes around sometimes, and I know she doesn't mean anything bad by it or to hurt me, and it really doesn't bother me until times like these, but there really are only two people that call me: my mom and Ania. That's it. I don't know why I'm always looking at my phone to see who's called, or more like, who hasn't, because there's nobody else to call me. And that's the problem. Especially when I want to do things when Ania's busy or doesn't want to do anything. There's no one for me to call, either. At least, no one I feel like making the effort with anymore. I'm sick of it. I understand in the beginning of a friendship, that might be how it is. But after a certain point, it gets annoying, and discouraging because you feel like they don't want to hang out with you in the first place unless you end up calling, or I'll end up tagging along or something. Where this is coming from, is somewhere deep inside me, because it hasn't happened to me recently or anything. It reminds me of the summer big time. And middle semester last year right before I met Ania. I love Ania to death, and wouldn't trade her for the world--she's my best friend--but I can't always rely on her, because she won't always be there. And I shouldn't have to end up staying home and not doing anything just because she's not available. It definitely has happened this semester. There are just things that I want to do, to experience, but it's just so hard to do them because I don't want to do them alone. So I don't end up doing them because I don't have anyone there to do them with me. I just want to go out. My time is limited. I think that's part of it now. Subconsciously, it's starting to hit me--graduating in the Spring--and all the things I want to do and experience, well the time is running out. And I feel I'm even more rushed than ever because I wasted so much time in the past. I had so many plans for this semester. It hasn't turned out bad at all, and I've had a lot of fun. But there was more I wanted to do, but as usually, I don't end up following through. It's that stupid potential of mine that's just waiting for the push to let that ball roll down the hill. And it's not just about going out and drinking. I honestly can't do it all the time, both mentally and physically. But I want people to just hang out with and do nothing with. I do that a lot with Ania, but not as much as I'd like. That's partly my fault, as I tend not to want to stay up too late when I have class the next day if I don't have to. But maybe that's just what I need to do. That's like tonight, where I could have gone to the library to study with Ania. I'm not a fan of the library to study...I need my privacy and complete silence and no one around so I can talk out loud when I study (which is the best way for me). But I probably could have sucked it up and gone. But it was raining. And it's cold. And I was tired. And I didn't want to have to drive all the 10 minutes there and find stupid parking. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I sure do make a lot of them. Here I am, so sad and worried about not having time before the semester ends, and I could have been doing something. And it's what I ultimately want to do: just to get myself out there and be seen, that hey, I'm alive, look at me. Not for anyone in particular; quite the opposite really. To find new people, ok, mainly guys. But how else are you supposed to do it?? If no one sees me, then I can't meet anyone. Not that I'd end up meeting anyone anyways, but it's just getting myself out there. That's what I've been trying to do all along. Maybe I need to move away somewhere, be on my own again. Scary thought, definitely. But I let fear rule my life, my decisions. There are so many things, so many opportunities that I've missed and could have done had I not been so scared or thought I couldn't do it. It's time to stop being so afraid, because really, what is there to be afraid of? I want to go active in KD in the spring. At least part of me wants to. But I have so many reservations. One, I don't know if I can aford it (it's a ridiculous $2000! most of it is for the meal plan, which is a HUGE turnoff because I'm very picky about what I eat, both in general and for health reasons). Two, and this is also a very big concern of mine: making friends. Sure, I know some faces, and some names, and some girls very superficially by this point (it's those that actually remember me from when I transferred last fall...ok, so facebook helps, too). And it's not about having tons of them. I'd just like one or two girls who want to hang out with me, people that will call me and invite me to do things, instead of the other way around. That's my biggest fear about the whole situation. I know I'll regret it if I don't do it, because I've come to miss it, especially since Ania joined a sorority this year and living it through her. And I've grown so much since I first transferred. But I just don't know if I'll be able to fit in, or find some friends. I never felt like I fit in in the first place, and I'm afraid I'll end up hating it again and being absolutely miserable. And it wouldn't be a cheap thing to find out. It's just been on my mind the past couple days, and it's weighing very heavily with me. It's not causing stress like it once did, but it's definitely causing some anxiety. I just don't know what to do.

All I want for Christmas is....you!

What is it with me lately? Today was another day where I came so incredibly close, no dangerously close is more like it, to making a suggestion to someone...hmmm, and I wonder what that could be about...but I didn't. All day though, ALL DAY, it's been on my mind. One thing, and one thing only. And with one person only! At the height of it, I was about to write him a facebook message. But then when reality got a hold of me, there was NO WAY I could ever go through with it. For one, it'd look like I wanted him. Two, it would look like I wanted to do that with him, when I really just wanted it. Three, I'd seem desperate, and there's the risk of him rejecting me, like I did to him the last time. And I could never face him again if I did that. Plus, there's the embarassment of realizing how stupid I was after I sent it and wished I hadn't. And I kinda like having the last word with us: being the one who showed him I didn't WANT him like that. Rejecting him that night was one of the most empowering feelings I've had when it comes to him. No, I do not want to sleep with you, and why do you assume I will?? Sorry, you can beg all you want, but it's not going to happen. But it's funny now how I want it so bad, I was about to make myself look sooo pathetic. But I didn't and I haven't and I won't. As long as I keep his number away, and don't send any messages, I'm good. The funny thing is, I actually thought that's all it could be: just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. Not wanting anything from him. Well, that's pretty much because that's what I'd get for it: nothing. That's Adam. And that's us. I wasn't expecting anything, because I knew there'd be nothing there. Maybe that's why I thought I could do it: I knew exactly what I was getting into. But how much would I be settling and letting myself down??? SOOOOO MUCH! I want to wait for someone who's worth it, not someone who only wants me for sex. Why would I even think about doing that to myself? I guess maybe because I'm feeling a little lonely? Could be. I'm definitely in a drought. It's been probably 6 weeks since I've kissed a guy, and it was a month before that. Where's all the guys this semester? There have been, let's see, 3 guys this semster. Only 3! How many were there last semster? Too many too count! I kissed way more guys this summer than I have in the past 3 months! And I was sick with mono the majority of the time! I mean, who needs sex...I don't...I just want to makeout. And cuddle. That's really all I want.

ewww...and please get out of my head! I really need a new guy! soooo bad...

Santa can you hear me? I have been so good this year...

NO MORE SCHOOL!!!! nooooooooooo! Just kill me now! I'm going crazy...

I am soooo bored with my life. I really need to find something to do. Time for bed.

What makes the one to shake you down?

I waste way too much time. Doing absolutely nothing. I'm so unproductive. But when I have free time, I have no idea what to do. Like this past weekend. What did I end up doing? Not much other than wasting time away on the computer. Well, I did have some purpose, like looking for inspiration for a project. But I've just been so creatively blocked lately. And it's driving me crazy. I know exactly what I want to do and want it to look like, but then I don't at the same time. It's so frustrating. I spent 4 hours (the entire FSU-UF game) on Saturaday online, looking at random websites. Yes, 4 hours. I was at my parents' house though, so at least I wasn't at home alone. But still. Why don't I do anything?? I have so much potential, I know I do. I just have never done anything with it. I'm boring. I do the same things all the time. Even when I have nothing to do, I have absolutely nothing to do to fill that time. I'm not lazy by any means; I just don't know where to channel my energy or focus. I want something worthwhile to do. Or, at least something different. However, while I am sick of the same routine, in a way, I don't want anything to do. But I need something to do. What am I to do with all this potential??

ok, so how pathetic do I look??( as I read a couple of previous posts from this week) SO PATHETIC!! ewwww....is all I have to say...don't do that again! too much time and space wasted on that jerk...

Don't waste this chance with your smile

I feel like I've been eating so much lately. Not of anything bad at all, but I feel like I'm hungry a lot. No, actually it's just because I want to eat these two new cereals I have, lol. Things still just keep running through my head like crazy; it just won't stop! I tried to take a nap earlier when I was feeling really tired, but couldn't fall asleep because I can't clear my head! Everytime I think of something good that I could write about, I just say, I'll write about that later. But now I can't remember anything! Random want: to go on an actual date. The last time I went on a real date was my date with Adam. Oh, actually, no that's not true. I did go on a date with Andrew last spring, but that fizzled. I guess I did go on one date with Chris, but I paid for everything, and he had 5 freaking beers at my country club where I took him to eat! And then he made me pay for his ticket at the movies because he didn't bring any money. What a loser!! What in the world was I thinking with him??? I ask myself that ALL the time, because I really don't know. And to think he was my first...but really, I forget that he was and would rather not remember any of it. It's sooo weird how I feel about him is completely different from all the other guys. Maybe it's because I never really liked him in the first place, and it was more like I was bombarded into this "relationship" without really wanting to. How easily do I not think of him. But with others, I can't get them out of my head. Skip has faded a lot, too. But not totally. I still think about him and those nights. I really am glad, even though things turned out the way they did, that I got that experience with him. I saw what I could be...my passionate side really came out in a way I never thought that I could ever be. Actually, it wasn't how I thought I could be, but how I never saw myself as being that way because I'd always detatch myself and feel that I'd always be trapped inside myself...kinda difficult to explain. But then again, the pain that I experienced...but no, it was worth it. You can't go through life avoiding love and passion for fear of heartbreak. Nope, you sure can't. I know I can't.

I'm holding on but letting go of you

I just had one of those moments where I just got in touch with a long lost friend....it really made my day to have found her, because I think about her every now and then and wonder how she is doing, but don't know how to get in contact with her. So this is good news. I was up at 5:30 this morning painting, because I could not sleep. So rather than continue tossing and turning, I decided to get up for an hour or so and work on a project and then eat and go back to sleep. That's exactly what I did, too. There's just sooo many things that would not stop running through my mind. It didn't help that I woke up at around 3:30 am, too, and decided to get on the computer. Checked facebook, of course...and may have stumbled onto something that I did not, nor do I ever care to know about because it'd hurt way too much. Why it hurts, is beyond me, because this person is a COMPLETE JERK and I do NOT WANT HIM, but because of the history and who it is, it will hurt. It was only a matter of time if I think it was about what I think it is, but I never wanted to think about it. So I deleted a few things and decided that it's not necessary to keep him in my life like I have been. He should have been gone long, long ago, but I never wanted to fully let go. Of course, I don't believe that is completely possible, because they will always be a part of you in some aspect, some way, but I've become unecessarily obsessive this past week. Thank goodness I remained strong and didn't follow through with any of my stupid ideas I had. And I never backed down (at least to him, but I was certainly thinking it), so it shows that I do not want him anymore to him. That's the most important thing, because I honestly don't. I want the IDEA of him. Without all the qualitites and things he did that made him a jerk. I wanted what I couldn't have. That's simply it. No, I'm definitely not going to hate myself in the morning over one night with this guy ever, nor any other guy from my past. They've proved to me they're not worth it. I AM WORTH IT. Every single bit. Occassionally, I'll think about sending Matt a message just to say hi and see how he was doing, but then I think, why??? Uh, I haven't heard from him, so clearly he doesn't want to hear from me. It's pointless, and would only leave me with disappointment, or worse, it would lead me on and give me false hope. That's something I don't need any more of. I actually don't even want to look at his profile, especially right now. I don't want to come across something that will make me sad or hurt. Plus, he just disgusts me at the moment. I have no desire whatsoever. I was thinking about making a bet with myself--see how long I could go. But then I realized that'd do no good; it'd be just like a very strict diet where when you're forbidden to have something you want so bad, you just want it even more and then go over board with it. I'll "indulge" occasionally, when I feel like it, instead of banning myself from something that will just end up driving me crazy. But right now, I'm glad he's gone, and I'm glad I've finally decided to myself that I'm done with him.

You'll look back and won't believe that girl was me

Wow...I just went back and looked at my first entry on here. I haven't looked at that in forever, and it was so weird. I read a few of the other early ones, and it's amazing how far I've come along since then. I realize I still pretty much have the same emotions (plenty of heartbreak), but I was just so sad. So sad about the whole Adam situation. He really affected me in a major way. Not necessarily in a bad way, either. I think he did a lot of good in the guise of a heartbreaker. I learned so much from that experience. Not that it's helped much to date, but I've grown so much stronger and wiser. Now, I know better. Even when I continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, I at least know what I'm getting myself into. Oh, so I see that the jerk has logged on to myspace and didn't add me as his friend yet. What a loser. Yes, this is stalkerish behavior, I admit it. Why am I going back to him? I mean, not like he wants me back, or that I WANT him back. But that I'm starting to be obsessed with him like this?? Ok, so it probably has never really stopped...but since he's been on facebook, and now myspace, it's a little hard to not want to keep track of him. Hey, I know he does the same (there's proof from the occasional comments and that booty call at the beginning of October). But this is not good, not good at all. Because who's the first page I check besides my own? His. I'm soooo pathetic. I know I'm not the only one, because Ania does it too! We should start a club...girls who can't get over one specific guy, even though he is a complete jerk and we should not want anything to do with them ever again...except maybe a little one night stand, which will put us back where we were in the first place: MISERABLE. Yeah, that'd be the longest club title ever. I've completely lost track from where I started, and I'm not even gonna try and get back there tonight. More time to waste on myspace and various other turn-girls-into-psycho stalkers-sites. And I just learned that I have 3 subscribers to my blog on myspace! How cool is that...I didn't know anyone subscribed. Not that I write like this on there (whoa, that'd be revealing way too much to people who I wouldn't want to know was reading my stuff!).

When I'm waiting, when I'm waiting...I've been here before

Time has been nothing but WASTED today. Had class, came home, messed around on the computer a bit (I've rediscovered my obsession with myspace), went to the gym, gave Ania her present, and came home and have done NOTHING worthwhile since. Just listening to music and on myspace waiting for Adam to confirm me as his friend and looking for inspiration to make some layouts and other designs. I SHOULD be working on my public policy paper. But honestly, who's doing work right now? Most people are at home or on their way home...campus is going to be so dead tomorrow. And I will be in class, then taking a test. Woo, I'm so lucky.

everyday and every night...I wish I was your someone

It asked me if I really wanted to add him as a friend...did I really want to? I don't know, but I did it anyways. He better freaking confirm me!! Oh, but then the idea today completely repulsed me...and that's how it should be, right?? Yes. It should. We'll see how long that lasts...

I keep going back and forth...I want him, I don't want him...mostly, I DON'T WANT HIM...except for certain times....please come to your senses girl...YOU DON'T WANT HIM!!! But then again, I do.

Let me be your someone to hold you tight, someone to make you feel alright

It's raining and thundering outside...how long as it been since this has happened? Forever it seems. So it's the week of Thanksgiving, and I have 2 tests tomorrow...plus the second half of one on Wednesday. That's right, my teachers are very cruel and I have 2 classes that day. I usually skip them on that day. Not with the test now. So that sucks...now time for bed because I'm absolutely exhausted!

I like when you whisper softly things only I should hear that lead me on

In the newspaper today, there was an article on the CMAs. I am in no way a country fan, and I didn't read it. I just glanced at one of the pictures, which was Lee Ann Womack, and the caption underneath it read of a title of one of her songs, I May Hate Myself in the Morning. Hmmm, I thought. I wonder what that's about. I was curious, and wondering if this was something that would describe the type of behavior that Ania and I keep suffering from--going back to guys who are complete jerks and how we just can't get over them. Well, we've been finding various songs that describe our pain, and so I decided to check out the lyrics to this one. And sure enough, this one fits the BEST so far. Here they are:

Ain't it just like one of us
To pick up the phone and call after a couple drinks
Say how ya been I've been wondering if maybe you've been thinking 'bout me
And somewhere in the conversation
An ole familiar invitation always arrives
I may hate myself in the morning
But I'm gonna love you tonight

Everyone's known someone they just can't help but want
Even though we just can't make it work out
Well the want to lingers on
So once again we wind up in each other's arms pretending that it's right
I may hate myself in the morning
But I'm gonna love you tonight

I know it's wrong
But it ain't easy moving on
So why can't two friends
Remember the good times once again

Tomorrow when I wake up I'll be feeling a little guilty, a little sad
Thinking how it used to be before everything went bad
I guess that's what is
In lonely late night calls like this that we try to find
I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight

I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight

It's scary how true these lyrics are. I was seriously considering going back to Adam just on Saturday night! Thank God I didn't though. But that's just the conundrum: you think you're over someone, but then you run into them or something, and the feelings resurge. I don't believe you can completely get over someone. Ever. They will always mean something to you. Even if you hate them to the death, they still mean something to you (hate!). They may fade into oblivion, but there's always going to be a special place for them in your heart. And it's this reason why it's so easy to want to go back, and why we keep going back when we know we shouldn't. It's amazing how many people experience the exact same things with regard to relationships. There's obviously a standard, a formula to them, because this definitely happens to EVERYONE. At least every female!

Ewwww...how could I ever even think that??? Or even consider it?? ewww....

Picking up speed, I can barely breathe

My horoscope for the day: Get ready to say it all and to hear it all. Passionate words -- for better or worse -- are on the agenda. And you're definitely ready for this; in fact, you've probably been waiting for this encounter for some time.

What the heck is that supposed to mean??

So, he didn't end up calling me. Not that I expected that he would, but there was just this chance because I had seen him. I'm talking about Adam. I went to a Mae concert with Kathryn last night (had so much fun!). I knew before I even went that he would be there because he likes them (know that from facebook...in fact, that's where I discovered them...from his profile! I'm such a stalker, I know). Once I mentioned it to Kathryn, she agreed that we'd probably see him. And that we definitely did. Good thing I'd had a few drinks, and was looking totally hot...when we were walking along the back, sure enough, there he was. I could spot that boy anywhere, even if it's the back of his head (which it was!). RJ was right by him, which presented an opportunity for Adam to have to know that I was there. He ended up walking a way for a minute, so Kathryn and I decided to go say hi to RJ. Well, as we were standing there, Adam came back and was right behind me. I don't know if he saw me then or not, but I pretended like I didn't know he was there, in my typical fashion (remember Sebastian at the gym on Thursday?). I thought it was funny that RJ mentioned to Kathryn that Adam was there, but I don't know why he didn't say it to me. We left and went to the bar, and as I was standing there, I could see from the mirror along the wall that Adam was approaching. I felt a pinch on my back and I turn around to see him. He's like "what are you doing at the bar...you're such an alcoholic." I was like whatever and I really don't know what else was said. I think I tried to give him one of those side hugs you give to guys you know. It was definitely a short encounter, but at least he was the one that came up to me, because there was no way I was going up to him! He came up to me...now that's strange. When he went back to stand with RJ, I know he said something about me, because I could tell by the way was talking, you know in that I just saw/talked/whatever...blah blah blah...Hmmm...wonder what he said. But he ended being near me for a while, in the general vicinity. Wasn't sure what to expect, except that I had to pretend like crazy to ignore him and make it seem like I wasn't trying to be around him or following him or anything. I just let Kathryn take the lead. He ended up moving somewhere else during the concert at some point...to which by the end I kept glancing around (I was looking for cute boys! well, and Adam). Never saw him. Thank goodness I deleted his number from my phone, because if it was in there, I would have definitely called him. Why?? Not sure. I didn't really want him in the way that I used to, but I was feeling, well, like maybe if he called, I wouldn't turn him down. Such bad thoughts, I know. It would have been such a HORRIBLE idea...one that I couldn't explain to anyone. Ania would absolutely kill me! But nothing happened, and I soon came to the realization that he's still a jerk and will always be a jerk. At least we can be on friendly terms with each other.

Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

Yesterday I was wondering who in the world else I would end up seeing...at the gym, I saw Sebastian. He didn't say hi, nor did I. I know he ended up seeing me, but I pretended like I didn't know he was there. My typical reaction. But what a jerk to not even say hi to me! Whatever, who needs him? I certainly don't! And then on the way home to my parents' house, I passed Chris on the road. I saw what looked like his truck coming, and sure enough it was definitely him once he passed and I saw the back of his truck. He didn't see me, thank goodness!! I could be in Clemson right now, if only Ania didn't have that debate tournament. And I called Anne to see if she was around because I thought about going to Orlando for the weekend, just to get away and have some fun and visit. But turns out she's in Chicago. So much for that. But, exciting news for her--she's engaged! Wonder if I will be a bridesmaid?? I am her little sister, afterall...but if not, that's a lot less trouble (and money!) for me. I'll definitely be going to her wedding, though. I think I'm just going to take it easy this weekend and relax, try and get some things done (like clean my room and finish a book that's due Monday and work on another research paper and study for a test next week and the week after--ha! like that's gonna happen!!!). I've been really tired this week. I keep getting lightheaded/dizzy. Like mono-ish tired in a way. It's a really weird feeling. The good thing is I haven't been taking a lot of naps lately. I'm assumming that's a good thing, except when I really need it. But I'm finally feeling better and not currently sick at the moment! [knock on wood]. Running some errands with mom today and going to go through some old boxes of clothes to get rid of some stuff...time to get ready.

When you walk by everynight, talking sweet and looking fine, I get kinda hectic inside...

So am I feeling better about my body today? Not really, but it's not like it was yesterday. I did have a really good workout today, so that made me feel good. But right about now, it's not so great...So the big question is gonna be: do I drink when I go out tomorrow night? And my answer: I don't know how I can go out to a bar/club and not drink. I can't be sober around drunk people--they just annoy me too much. Besides, I get jealous when I see people drinking and I can't drink, because I WANT to drink. It's fun. I don't HAVE TO, but I PREFER to. Plus, when am I ever going to be able to drink like this again?? NEVER!! I'm graduating in the spring, and sure there'll be lots of times I still go out, but definitely not as much as I can now once I'm a full-time working girl. It's just that drinking has sooo many calories...I really do try to use the lowest calorie stuff that I possibly can (10-calorie juice, anyone??)...but once you get drunk, you don't really think about what you're drinking. This isn't a new concern of mine. I've thought about it ever since I started drinking last spring. But now it's really coming into the limelight, especially with the way I've been feeling about my body lately. As long as I continue to workout vigorously and consistently, I'll be fine. Just keep telling myself that, and it'll be ok. Because it really is ok. I don't drink that much, anyways. This'll probably be the only time this week that I drink because I don't plan on going out-out this weekend (partly because Ania won't be in town, partly because I want a break and do other non-drinking activities, say the movies maybe??). Of course, I could try going out sober for the first time, and work on my communicative/social skills...it's the perfect time to act crazy without being under the influence because everyone will just think you're drunk, just like them!! So we'll see....but I can already tell you what my answer is going to be...

I'll keep you my dirty little secret...

I was actually thinking about working out for a second time today. Just for like 15 minutes. But still. And I was also thinking about doing 15 minutes in the morning and then having my regular workout in the afternoon. This is really starting to scare me...do I really hate my body that much? I do sometimes, and I was when I was actually thinking about doing this. But I decided it would be best if I didn't because I already had a decent workout today, and I don't need to workout again. I'M NOT FAT. SO WHY DO I KEEP THINKING THESE THINGS??? I was so close to becoming a crazed-workout person...I'm on the verge of something very scary--I just know I am. Ever since the mono has screwed me up...I keep saying it's the mono. But is it really? Yes, it played a really huge role--I wasn't able to workout for sooo long after working out every single day. But now I'm getting back on track, except it's different this time. It's not controlling me like it used to. Or like I controlled myself with it. I give myself breaks (and I at least try and convince myself as best as I can that it's ok to do so). I'm letting myself indulge in foods every now and then that I wouldn't let myself eat (mainly because I didn't have a desire to do so). I still don't have much of a desire, but I'm learning that it's ok every once in a while. Or am I? Because everytime I have a piece of birthday cake or a some ice cream (it's not often at all), I have to keep repeating to myself that it's ok, you're not going to gain any weight from this. It's one time. IT'S ONLY ONE TIME. BUT WHY DO I FEEL SO GUILTY STILL??? Take yesterday...granted, I was a little drunk, but I ate so much food (well, more than I normally do at least). Actually, it wasn't that much...it's Ania's potato salad that's getting to me. It's something that I actually don't like, nor ever even had tried until I had some of hers. Yesterday I didn't really have a problem with eating it at all, justifying it as my treat. But in combination with a lot of beer (95 calories each, and who knows how much I drank), I feel really disgusted about it now. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and I like what I see and don't have a problem. But then again, like how I feel right now, I feel absolutely disgusting. There's no way that I can fit into those jeans right now, and I'm not even going to try because I'd start crying. But that's a stupid way to judge because they're a pair of jeans, and every single pair of jeans I own fits me differently, and one size in one brand might be too big or vice-versa. I can't remember the last time I felt this way about myself. The unhappiness with my life is gone, but it's just been replaced by this horrible body-image I have of myself right now. It's the (small, but nonetheless) weight gain. Probably around 5 pounds, but you have to understand that it's been over 2 years since I've had this much fat on me! Everyone would look at me like I'm crazy and say, what fat?? I KNOW!!! SO WHY CAN'T I SEE THAT MYSELF?? Why do I constantly find myself in this battle with myself? One minute I like it, then another I hate it. This is really not good at all. And the thing is, I know it's for the better (having gained some weight). I used to fluctaute between 98-102 pounds just 7-8 months ago...it's since I started drinking and then it was definitely the mono and it's freaking 4-5 month recovery...I'm still not even sure if I'm 100% better yet. It just really messed me up...I was doing so well, then I just saw my body change, even as slight as it was, it seems like a huge difference to me. Whereas I never used to compare myself to anyone, I am now constantly looking around at other girls and being like how can they stay that small when they're out and they drink a lot, and how come I can't?? No, I know I can, it's just been getting back to my exercise intensity level--it was sooo high before...I was running 5 miles in under 40 minutes! I haven't been able to do that yet...at least I haven't tried. Maybe I'll try doing that tomorrow, or at least get as close to it as I can, and maybe it will help boost my self-image. But if I don't, will I be disappointed in myself??? It's just a never ending cycle that just keeps speeding up faster and faster...pretty soon I might fly off if I don't start slowing down.

Say anything, but say what you mean

Procrastination is my new best friend as of lately. I don't know what's with me, but I just do not want to study or work on papers or even be in class...not that I ever really want to be in class, but my desire to skip has increased dramatically. And I'm probably going to be paying for all this soon (like Tuesday, when I have a test that I haven't studied for, nor have I really kept up with the material--I know, I'm such a bad girl!). But, I am just a page away (or more like a couple of paragraphs) from being finished with my international conflict research paper. Thank goodness!!! But, once I'm done with that, I have another 15 page one I gotta get on. The life of a college student...I really don't understand how people can write theses and dissertations and all that kind of "academic" stuff...I have absolutely no desire or want to do any of that. That's one reason why I'm not going to grad school next year...I need a break from all that stuff! I just really hate doing research, and especially combining that research into a paper. So I've gotta briefly mention this...on Halloween, I went with Ania to a fraternity date function (her roommate took both of us as his dates, lucky him...). Anyways, remember Andrew from last spring? I know I wrote about it, because he was the guy that I made out with like crazy the first night Ania and I went out at that crush. Well, he was there, and once I'd gotten a little drunk, I got the crazy idea that I really wanted to make out with him!! He just looked so cute, and he was there. Well, sorta, because he had a date, who he didn't like, by the way. I know he SO wanted to make out with me, because he kept staring/looking at me the ENTIRE night!! I think what I enjoyed most about it was getting a kick out of the fact that he wanted me so bad, lol!! But I did get frustrated because of his stupid date...I wanted what I couldn't have. That was what was really behind it all. Ok, time to get ready for bed (and to do a little reading??).

So since you want me, you'll have to follow through with every word you say

My theme song for guys from now on is stated above. When I heard that on the radio I was like, it's written just for me!! Not really, but I thought how it fit my attitude about guys at the current moment. I knew after that night he'd end up like all the other ones--he'd be like them all. But whatever. I don't want someone who doesn't want to call me or spend time with with or who isn't absolutely crazy about me! And I'm going to be selfish from now on when it comes to this, because I always give everything I have to the guy, and for what? Absolutely nothing but disrespect and hurt in return. So not worth it. It's been a lazy, lazy day. It started out pretty productive, but then the headache came on, and then I just didn't feel like studying! I've got senioritis so bad! And I don't think there's anyone who would disapprove of me not studying so much...There's definitely a lot to do, and not much time left, so that's why I'm gonna make the most of it and study as little as possible to still keep my sanity while leaving plenty of time for fun! Alrighty, time now to try and go be productive for at least a half hour before I go to sleep...yeah, like that's gonna happen...

I'M SO HAPPY...I CAN STILL FIT INTO MY FAVORITE JEANS FROM LAST YEAR!!! I tried them on a month or two ago and they didn't fit, so I got really discouraged and upset that I had gained so much weight. Well, I guess I really haven't gained very much after all, which is good news. Now maybe I can feel better about myself and not worry about it so much. I've just gotta get back into consistently working out and I'm good, because my eating habits haven't changed from how they've been for the past 2 years. Now, if only I can get well and stay well, I'll be just great!!

The innocent can never last

It's cold outside, and all I wanna do is just cuddle up in my bed and watch my tv shows from this week! It's been another day where I should have been productive, well where I've tried to be productive, but a stupid painful headache has gotten the best of me each time. Did I mention how I hate being sick? This weather is just absolutely gorgeous, though. It just reinforces why I love this time of year so much...the dry, cooler air, the leaves falling from the trees, pumpkins! This weekend has been a recovery weekend for me--one to get well. Which hopefully will work. I don't know what I should be for Halloween. I'm pretty sure I'll be going out on Monday (Ania won't have me staying in, lol!), and hopefully Ania will want to, because I've never been out for Halloween before. Heck, I can't even remember the last time I did anything for Halloween. The last time I went trick-or-treating was when I was in 8th grade. Not that I'll be doing that...I always wish that I had done so much more when this time comes; it just goes by so fast. I'll have to wait for next year, though. I want to have a Christmas party after finals week. So we can all relax and let loose and have fun. It'll be a fancy affair, so everyone will have to dress up in pretty party dresses and stuff (always wanted to do that!). Sounds like a plan. And yes! We get an hour back tonight! No more daylight savings time! Woo-hoo! I definitely need that extra hour, although after tomorrow, it won't make any more of a difference! But that's okay...I feel like eating a little snack and getting in bed...so tired and feel another headache coming on :(

Oh, and boys suck.

A little piece of heaven turns to dark

I don't want to study...wasting time so I don't have to. I'm feeling creative. I want to make something. Too bad I really need to study because I'm behind in a couple of my classes from missing a day. I have a research paper to write. Two, actually. One is due in 2 weeks. Need to get on that. There's a big macro test next week. And a test the week after that, plus a huge book to read. And did I mention I'm sick? Not just physically, but so sick of school itself?? I'm trying to make the easiest possible schedule for next semester. No more requirements to fulfill. Just 10 hours of electives. I wanted to take a photography class, but no, you have to be an art major. Which sucks because I got really excited about it because I love taking pictures. I want a new digital camera. And a really good film camera. I can use my parents' old one if I want. Pictures, pictures, pictures. I'm obsessed. And I'm just rambling on about nothing because I don't want to study. No studying. No studying. I'm sick of studying. But I guess it's time to study now.

You've built a love, but that love falls apart

When will I ever not be sick?? I have not been well since June. Having mono really did a number on my immune system, because I keep catching every cold/infection known to man. Seriously, there has not been a time at all this semester where I was well. And this week has been no different. I hate it so much. And to top it off, I found another guy who doesn't want to be my boyfriend or have anything to do with me. It seemed really promising; except now I realize that it's not going to go any further. It was so different this time. I actually haven't done anything but makeout with this guy. Which I'm so proud of, because it's a huge change from before, where I'd jump in way too soon. It's just so disappointing. How can it not have something to do with me??? It happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. This guy wasn't exactly a Skip or Chris or Adam...so far from it. He was actually the type of guy that I used to always go for. Not the one I had to prove to myself that I could get. When we went out, things were soooo good. Ania painted his wall at his place on Monday...couldn't really tell anything from him. But then last night, when we went back to work on it, I just did not feel a vibe at all. I don't know if it's because he had his friends around, or what. Ania at first was like, he's so cute, but then she started having reservations, like he doesn't call. He called me once. On my birthday Saturday to wish me happy birthday because I must have mentioned it a million types when I met him on Wednesday. We ended up going to a party and I stayed over at his place and just falling asleep in his arms was so amazing. I haven't called him; I have text messaged him to say hi, and wrote a little message on his facebook wall, but that's it. It's not like any of the other guys ever actually called me. I was the one always calling them. I don't know. Something tells me to just give up, not to bother or worry about it. But when is it going to happen??? I'm so sick of it. Where the hell are you supposed to find them? I know there are guys that will become involved with a girl when they find someone they like; it just so happens that I'm the one they will never like. It doesn't help that I HATE my body right now. Being sick has done a number to my body image and self esteem. I don't want to feel depressed and sad. I just want to get better. NOW.

Lately I've been thinking, lately I've been dreaming with you

So much has happened this past week...I am now 22 years old, which is really strange to think about. 22. That's so old! I had one of the best birthdays that I have ever had, though. You know what I always used to wish for when I'd blow out my candles? To be happy. And finally, for once, I didn't have to wish for that, because I already am. Wednesday night I went to a Phi Sig day glo party and met this guy named Sebastian...he's sooo cute and such a nice guy. I had one of the best nights that I'd had in such a long time. It was great because all we did was kiss and cuddle...absolutely amazing!!! But unfortunately for Ania, things didn't turn out so well...she ended up having alcohol poisoning and I had to take her to the emergency room and take care of her on Thursday. Luckily, she is alright. I'm so nervous! I just sent a text message to Sebastian...I hope he doesn't get the wrong impression...I really think things could work out this time. We hung out with him and a couple of his brothers last night and went to a party. I had a GREAT time with him. He would keep saying how we just connected and he would hold my hand and it was just so much fun. I went back to his place and spent the night, just kissing and cuddling and sleeping, which is all he wanted to do in the first place! He's kind of a surfer type boy, he's 2 years younger, but who cares?? He thinks I am so beautiful and sexy and amazing. AHHHHH!!!!! I really could see myself in a relationship with him. Hopefully he wants the same thing. He's so funny, too, in a silly kind of way, but he kept making me laugh all night. So sweet! I'm in love...not really, but I've definitely got a crush!! And Friday night...what can I say? I can't remember half the night, lol! Definitely so much fun. We went to AJ's, where there was like no one out because of FAMU homecoming, but I still had a good time. Obviously had a little too much to drink, and apparently was very sick the rest of the night. The last thing I remember doing was taking a shot upstairs with a really super hot guy (who happened to know Skip and his friends). And then it's completely dark after that point. Never got a chance to go into the fountain...was going to last night, but it didn't happen...went and made out instead, so it was ok!!

Intoxicate me now, with your loving now, I think I'm ready now

My brain is fried. No more studying or homework for me tonight. I'm about to go to bed in fact. I love working out. It always makes me feel so much better about myself. I just need to get back to the level of where I used to be, and I'm on my way, because I had a workout today that was like I used to do pretty much everyday...so hopefully that will solve my issues that I'm having with my body right now. Ok, so I have no idea what is up with myspace right now, and why I am getting all these weird friend requests from people I don't know...all of a sudden, in the past 3 days, I've gott probably at least 30 requests. Yes, it's ridiculous, and creepy! I have no idea where they're coming from, or how these people found me, because I'm definitely not connected to them through friends...it might be time to get off that site soon...well, maybe, haha...Guess who I HAVEN'T heard from?? Skip. But whatever, who needs him?? I certainly don't!! I haven't heard from the other two losers either, thank goodness! 4 more days...(sorry I'm obsessed!!)

It's just another manic monday...I wish it were sunday...

When did I become so insecure about my body? I don't know, but I'm more insure about it than I have ever been I feel, or at least in a long, long time. Why do I feel this way? There's nothing wrong with the way I look. But if it wasn't for that stupid mono that screwed everything up, I don't think I'd be feeling this way. I hate it so much. I just want to get back to normal. I have a major midterm on Wednesday. All essay. It's really going to suck, but the studying for it is even worse. I hate studying so much. But I don't have to make an A--what he's looking for is an impossibly high standard for only 50 minutes, having to write 3 short answers plus a full-length essay. Whatever. I'll just put down whatever I know, and if it isn't good enough for him, well too bad. Because I don't really care. They're just grades, and this is my last year. What good are grades going to matter out in the real world? I don't plan on going to grad school any time soon--I just can't handle any more school. I need to get out in the world and get some experience working. Not yet, though. But after this year. That's why I'm trying to make this a fun year, since I wasted the past 2 1/2 being miserable...

Let's go back, back to the beginning...

So I'm finding it very, very hard to concentrate and study these days. Could it be because I'm starting not to care so much? Possibly. Senioritis? A little bit. I don't know what it is, but you could NEVER get me to sit down and study like I used to, just a year ago even it. Not gonna happen! That's good and bad in its own ways. Good in that I'm not spending my life studying like a maniac for no reason anymore, but bad in that I still need to study. But whatever, I've been studying enough for this test tomorrow since last week, doing a little almost everyday. I'll do however I do. I cried at the end of Smallville tonight. Yeah, I'm a huge dork, and it wasn't exactly something that would make you cry, but I did. Clark and Lana were finally going to have sex with each other, and just the way they alluded up to it was just everything that I wish I had. I really can't distinguish whether I regret it or not anymore. Sometimes I really still wished I'd waited. Then at others, I was living in the moment, and at the time it was right. The whole time I was watching it, I thought of Skip. Why? Because he's the one who I've been the most intimate with, going beyond actual sex. That last time...the connection I felt was just too strong, too much to handle. I wasn't supposed to feel that way in that situation. But there's nothing I could--or still can--do to change his mind. Nor is it worth my time or energy to keep trying. I haven't heard from him in I guess 2 weeks now--not since I saw him at AJ's 2 Friday's ago. And he hasn't called me, so I'm definitely not going to bother. I've actually been doing quite well, and I've adjusted much better than I have with any other guy. Or have I really? Am I just pretending? No, I don't think I am. Yes, I put so much of myself into him, and he brought out a side of me I never knew I had, but I honestly am ok. What happened, happened. And all I can do is savor the memories. I'm not going to let this one get me down. I don't need him, nor do I need any other guy to get by. I'm doing just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch. I won't be by myself forever, despite what it may feel like. I'm just not going to put up with this kind of crap I have been putting up with from guys. I'll find someone who will treat me like the princess I am!

There's no easy way to say goodbye, so baby just say goodnight

Do you know what Adam said to me on Saturday night when he came over (besides begging me for sex)? He said I was getting FAT. Yes, me getting fat. In no way, shape or form do I think, or feel, or look, like I'm "getting fat." He's joked about it before (like when I saw him before school got out and during the summer), and I've always brushed it off like nothing. I still am, but it's really bothering me, not because I care what he thinks (or any guy for that matter), but because I'm still not totally happy with my body again. I mean, I weighed give or take a hundred pounds when I first met him; I'd run 5 miles a day for heaven's sake! And honestly, I loved the way I looked and felt, and I don't think I looked unhealthy, but I realize that I was soooo thin at some points, which isn't very healthy. It wasn't an unhealthy thin, because I'd workout and do cardio for about 45 minutes EVERY day, and I ate plenty (of healthy stuff). But as I look back on it and compare myself now, I realize that I needed to gain some weight, because I was just too small. And I've been sick for the past 3 months and haven't been able to workout like I used to. I'm just now really getting back into it. And yeah, it's taking some getting used to to accept my body as it is now (a mere 5 pounds gained probably--but I still don't like it), but I now I'll be back where I want to be soon. I won't get to the size I was for like 2 years, but that's ok, I don't want that. I just want my muscle back that I lost over these past few months. I can't believe he had the nerve to say that to me. He was just joking, but still. WHAT A JERK!!!!!! What kind of guy even jokes like that with a girl??? Right now, he just makes me so sick and so mad. What was I thinking Saturday when I let him come over. I must have been on drugs or something. No, it was all me. Unfortunately. I really don't want anything to do with him anymore. There was definitely a reason for that night to happen, because in the back of my mind, there was always this little thought that kept saying, just maybe...I'd say he wasn't a bad guy...I knew the way he acted and treated me made him a jerk, but I don't think I ever really believed it. I had to find out once and for all, so that voice could go away. And it has. Today was my second day (in a row) of not taking a nap!

Say it ain't so

Dear Adam,

What in the hell was I thinking last night, inviting you over at 2:30am?? Not that it was my idea; you were the one who called me, completely out of the blue. Actually, I had this feeling that you might happen to call; afterall, you did post a comment on my wall, something you've never done before. It had some purpose apparently. I knew from the moment I saw your number on my phone (I recognized the area code, because I deleted, yes DELETED, your number from my phone last week), EXACTLY what you wanted. There's only one reason for 2 am phone calls, and it's not just to say hi. I can't believe that you said you wouldn't leave this time. Like I was going to have sex with you. Again. Right. After the biggest mistake that I made last time. And it's incredibly presumptuous to think that I'd sleep with you after not hearing from you or seeing you in over what, 3 months? Save a facebook message you never responded back to (go figure) and a brief sighting at a football game. Do you realize how PATHETIC you sounded last night? You were begging me, BEGGING me, to have sex with you. Let's try it again you kept saying. You wanted to make it right this time, since it was quite a disaster the first. But why would I want to? So I could hate myself again? So I could never hear from you again? That's all it would be, and you know it. You haven't changed; nor have your motives. That wouldn't be it, you said. Sure. Like I can believe you after you've done nothing but prove the complete opposite everytime. We want different things. I put it behind me and moved on. But I guess I keep going back when the opportunity presents itself. Except for this time. I said I wasn't going to sleep with you, and I didn't. I'm so proud that I didn't give in this time. I can't do the casual thing. I've tried, but it doesn't work. Sex is NOT meaningless to me. For a while, I tried to make it so, but that's not me. I was pretending to be something I wasn't, and doing it for all the wrong reasons with all the WRONG guys. What happened to the days when we could just make out, and that was it? Am I just kidding myself that there was actually a time? Well, there was at least for me, when I had absolutely no problem saying no. But unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I just don't understand why you thought I'd be so easy (we did it once, so that means I'm going to again? I thought I made myself clear when I told you I regreted it). And you made yourself perfectly clear when you told me you didn't want to be in a relationship with me, because you think we don't have anything in common. And that's fine if that's what you want, but it's not what I want at all. And it's about time I start putting what I WANT first. I want someone who wants to spend time with me, who wants to call me, who will get to know me before rushing into anything. Ania came up with the best analogy one time: It's like starting a movie and fast-forwarding straight to the end. What about the beginning, and especially the middle? Would you start watching a movie from the end? Maybe, but you'd be missing the best parts. And sex isn't it; that's the icing on the cake. At least that's how I've always viewed it; although that view has become obscured in the past few months. But it doesn't mean I can't go back to that. Because I'm not settling for anything less anymore. No more guys who want to see me for only sex. I'm done with it. It's gotten me no where, and done nothing but make my life miserable. Sure it's great in the moment, but I want more. I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. With guys, it's all about instant gratification; and you're no different from any other guy I've come across. That's why I couldn't believe a word you said last night. And why I actually scoffed at your remark about that it wouldn't be it. Sure Adam. I wasn't going to wait around for history to repeat itself. I can't do that to myself again. You showed me what you were all about last night, not that I didn't know it already. If you ever want to hang out during the day, go to lunch, whatever, give me a call. But until then, don't even bother if you've got other ideas, because it's NOT going to happen again with us. I won't let it.

you'll never find a girl who loves you more than me

Busy, busy, busy....so much to do. I just can't seem to get back into the swing of things with studying. I just don't want to do it. But I'm forcing myself to keep up, because if I don't, well I'll be very sorry and end up freaking out a few days before the test. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to do the least amount of work I can and still make good grades, something I've never really done before. I've always worked my butt off, doing way more than I needed to. Now I'm just trying to get myself to do something! On Friday after I got home from AJ's with Meredith, I deleted 3 boys from my phonebook. It should have been done a long, long time ago. One of them I don't know why I kept in there, because I am never going to call him or have anything to do with him again (guess who that is). But it was not an easy thing to do. But I did it. It was sort of liberating, not having to worry that I'd make a mistake by calling one of them drunk, or completely sober. But then on Sunday, I put one of them back in, because what if I wanted to call him sometime? Or what if I needed to get in touch with him? I did write all their numbers down beforehand so I'd have them if I ever needed them (can't completely get rid of them, that's too permanent, and very scary!). So far, nothing's come of it, and nothing will, but I just couldn't keep that one out for now. Maybe soon I'll be able to delete it for good, but not just yet.

pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about

So I ended up not going out last night. But it's no big deal, because it was probably the better choice to stay in. Meredith and I were going to, but then she decided that she didn't want to, which I'm kinda glad because I was pretty tired as the night wore on anyways. Martin stopped by to say hi, and we visited for a bit. It was good to see him. He's such a great guy-- I wish there were more like him out there. I know there are, but I haven't found really come across them. Sorry, there is no attraction with him whatsoever...just a good guy friend, which I don't have many of those! I ate with Ania at her sorority house last night. It was nice. Not really much else to say about it. Kinda strange being there, but the girls were really nice. So that guy she was seeing turned out just like all the rest. We can't keep doing this to ourselves; it's just not working and it's only making us miserable. We deserve only the best, not these mediocre guys we become stuck on. Because I don't care about all the stereotypes there are out there about guys and how they don't do this or that because they're guys--if they're really crazy about a girl, they WILL call. And you won't have to remind them to. They WILL WANT to call you all the time, and spend time with you. And sex will NOT have to come first. I don't want to sleep with anymore guys the first night I meet them. Because that's exactly what I've done everytime, with the exception of Adam. It doesn't work; it doesn't make them like you. It only makes you feel bad about yourself and hate yourself. And this includes Skip. I can't keep doing what I've been doing with him anymore; after that last time, I fell. And I fell hard. I realized how much I wanted more than this. I want to really get to know him. I want to spend time with him, other than when we're drunk and not just to hookup. I still want to see him, but not to hookup. I'm not calling him anymore, not going to waste my time on him. I know what he wants, or what he doesn't want, and it's not fair to him, or especially to me. I can't keep trying to make something out of nothing. He's not going to change, and I definitely am not going to be able to change him. Yeah, I thought that maybe if he keeps seeing me, he'll realize that he wants to be with me, and only me, and would want me to be his girlfriend. But let's face it: IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. And I can't make it happen. I want to be friends; I don't want him to disappear from my life. But I just can't do it anymore. Just laying there in his arms, him holding me tightly and pressed up against his body...it was sooooo wonderful. And what we have is absolutely amazing. But it's not enough. I'm not the kind of girl that can just hookup with a guy and not develop feelings for him. I've had feelings for Skip since the night we met. I tried to deny those feelings, or at least keep them in check when I've been around (and not been around him) and to try and convince him that it's nothing serious. But the truth is, I WANT SOMETHING SERIOUS. And this just doesn't cut it anymore. I feel like I'm missing something...I'm missing out on a whole step. A whole person, who I know is a great guy. And I want him to get to know me. I have no doubt that he likes me; but beyond that, he doesn't want more. AND I DO. So I'm going to start listening to what I want, and put that first. Because if the guy doesn't share the same intentions, then why should I bother on someone who will only end up hurting me in the end??

and the killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men...

I'm so going out tonight! I haven't been out on a Thursday since, well since, I have no idea! It's definitely been several weeks. So Ania does not have a boyfriend anymore, and she was pretty upset about it the past couple of days, but I didn't know about it until she told me today. I feel for her, because of course, this is always what we get. Guys that don't want girlfriends. Tell me, where are the freaking guys who do want girlfriends?? I know they are out there, even college guys, because there are plenty of couples that I see on campus. Why can't we ever come across them? So much to do this weekend. I hate schoolwork. But I'll get it done without it consuming my entire weekend. Off to meet Ania at the library for some studying. I must workout today. F-this stupid cold that won't go away!!!

Gotta make that move to find somebody who appreciates all the love I have to give

Why did I do that last night?? Why? Why? Why? I made myself look soooo stupid and soooo desperate. And I never heard from him, either. I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. Where the hell are you supposed to find decent guys? I haven't found one while I've been out. I mean, they are good guys, but when it comes to relationships, they absolutely SUCK. They treat their girl-friends much better than they ever treated me, seriously. And that is just plain wrong--on my part for sticking around. How come I don't see how bad they treat me? I want to ignore it if I do see it, or I try and rationalize it and explain it off. Thank goodness I have friends who recognize it for me. If only I'd actually listen for once...

It's the way that he makes you fall in love

So I succumbed to my own pressure. I didn't call him, however; I sent him a text message. Not that that's much better, but hey, at least I didn't call him! I didn't have to risk the humiliation of hearing him turn me down, or having to leave a stupid voicemail message begging him to call me back. So I did it in words, instead. I just said that I was bored and he was still welcome to come over if he wanted. It won't happen, of course. I just made myself look like a desperate idiot once again. But I had to try. I just had to do it. Because you never know...actually, I do know, I just don't want to admit it or accept it as true. It's easier to be naive and play the victim than it is to actually own up to something you don't want to face. But the thing is, it's not like with Adam, where I KNEW that he didn't want anything to do with me. Or is it?? I KNOW he doesn't want a girlfriend, at least that's what he told me once, but yet, we keep seeing each other. He was, after all, the one who called me the other night. Who am I kidding?? I'm trying desperately to create something out of nothing. At least, I don't want to believe what we have is nothing. NO MORE. This was the last time I contact him. If he wants anything to do with me, he can call me himself. PERIOD. NO IFS, ANDS, or BUTS. I'M THROUGH. WHY DO I LET HIM TREAT ME THIS WAY??? WHY DO I LET GUYS IN GENERAL TREAT ME THIS WAY???

SunZip: so, i never got the chance to tell you that i saw skip on friday night, after i dropped you off...i came home, went to bed, and he called me around 2:30, and i went over to his place to hang out with him...
Mere317: uh huh.....
Mere317: he conviently called you, and you convientely went over there.....
SunZip: well, he was like, i see that you're sleeping, so i'm gonna go, but i was like, what'd ya have in mind....i know, i know...i really wanted to see him!!!
Mere317: mallory..... why do you let him do this to you??? your so much better than him.....
Mere317: he was jerky to you at AJ's for the most part and then you go over to his house....
SunZip: i know, i seriously know....i don't know why i get so attached to these guys...believe me, all my friends say the same thing! i hear, but i can't bring myself to listen
Mere317: yeah, i know......
Mere317: we'll work on this together b/c this is definitley something i struggle with too, i just don't have a guy at the moment, so therefore, it's not a current struggle
SunZip: i'm trying....and now, i want him even more because my friend ania has a new boyfriend, and i guess i'm feeling a tad jealous (very happy for her, but you wish it were you, too)
SunZip: yeah we're 2 of millions of girls with the same problem!
Mere317: yeah i know, i know the feeling..... but that's why you gotta find some friends that don't have boyfriends or even potential guys at the moment.... hey i'm here for ya!!! b/c i don't have a guy in my life!!

It's the way that he kisses you...

My horoscope for the day:

Dignity and sanity are high on your must-have list, especially in light of all the recent compromises and sacrifices you've made. Go ahead and declare your independence from the self-absorbed and the selfish.

How ironic is that? I just checked it, and it definitely applies right now. And no, I haven't called. Yet.

It's the way that he makes you feel...

Why do I even bother??? I had this crazy idea earlier today that I'd see if Skip wanted to hang out tonight. I thought, why not ask? What's the worst that could happen--that he'd say no? I mean, you never know until you try. So I did it. Once again, probably against my better judgment, since it always just goes out the door with him. But I was curious. He responded first of all by asking what I wanted to do. So I said that I was thinking something low-key, like a watching a movie. He replied that it "sounds fun but I have to work until 9." ????? What's the answer? Is it a yes? No? Maybe so?? So I responded one last time that "that's ok, so is that a no?" And I never got an answer back. I guess that's my answer. I mean, I could have interpreted it wrong...he may have been saying that it sounds fun, but he has to work until 9, so we'd have to do something after that time. But it can also mean, sounds fun, but I have to work, maybe some other time. Know what I mean? AHHHHHHH!!! So I'm debating whether I should call him or not....NO! DON'T DO IT. THAT'D BE SOOO STUPID. It's 9:45, he's not at work anymore, and if he wanted to hang out, he'd call me. Right? SO DON'T DO IT. FOR YOUR OWN SAKE AND SANITY. BUT I WANT TO SOOO BAD. What if it's some huge misunderstanding now? What if he thought I was going to call him, and was waiting for me, like I'm waiting for him to call me? It's possible! Ok, it's most likely not probable. But WHAT IF??? That "what if" gets me everytime. What if this, what if that....it can drive a person insane considering a million different possibilities. BE STRONG. BE STRONG. I CAN DO IT. I KNOW I CAN. I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. My phone's just a few feet away...stupid phones and stupid waiting for guys to call. I hate it!!! But he's soooo cute....and I want to see him sooo bad...PLEASE CALL SO THIS MADNESS WILL END ALREADY!!!! But that is just wishful thinking. Why is it that what I want never matters? It's always about the guy, what he wants, when he wants it. Where are the guys who are gonna care about me and what I want? AND WHY THE HELL DO I GET SO STUCK ON THESE JERKS???????????????? I've got a problem. I want him even more right now because Ania's got a new boyfriend, and I feel left out. As if enough stuff hasn't already gotten between us this year, now there's a guy she'll always be spending time with. Yes, I admit I am a little jealous. I am happy for her, I really am. But why can't that be me, too? And how desperate will I look if I call him right now? SHAKE IT OFF, SHAKE IT OFF. YOU DON'T WANNA DO IT. IT'S BETTER OFF THIS WAY. It's exactly like the lyrics to this song: "That's what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head." How much do you want to bet that I will end up calling him at some point tonight???

And that's what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head

For once I'm not taking a nap in the afternoon...well, at least not right now. It's amazing because I went to lay down and take one, but I realized that I can't sleep. But, as I sit here typing this, I feel my eyelids getting heavy...So, I saw Skip on Friday. Meredith and I went to AJ's, and at one point we were getting kind of bored because it was only the two of us and we didn't know anyone else, and it's the kind of place where you need to be there with more than just 2 people. I'd called practically everyone I knew to see what they were up to, but I couldn't get in touch with anyone. So I decided I'd call Skip to see what he was doing, and as it turns out, he was on his way to AJ's! I definitely wasn't going to leave at that point. So I take Meredith and we find a table in the front, so I could be on the lookout for when he comes in. We were right in front, so it's kinda hard to miss us. But of course, he didn't see me, and I went up to him to get his attention, but he didn't hear me and walked off. I was a little pissed at that. I went back and sat down and decided he'd just have to come and find me now, because I wasn't going to go up to him again. He kept talking to some girls for a while (I'm sure he knows them). Then, when I wasn't paying attention, he came up to me, giving me a hug and kissing me on the lips (and it wasn't the kind of kiss you give your parents or anything when you see them!). And he seemed all happy to see me, and did this little look thing that he always does when he's with me. He was sooo drunk, but it was cute. Some guy that I guess he knows came up and kept looking at me funny, and sat down by me, and Skip left, and the guy ANNOYED me so much so that I had to get up and go find Meredith. When I found her, she wanted to leave, so I told her that I wanted to go tell Skip goodbye. He was sad that I was leaving and gave me a pouty-face type look. But at that point, I was like, I'm such an idiot. Why would he be sad, since he wasn't hanging around with me, so what did he care whether or not I was there?? Anyways, I started crying a little bit when I got into the car, but not much. Just had to release a bit of tension. EVERYONE says to forget him, that he's not worth it. EVERYONE of my friends, including my mom. And I know it, too. But, against my better judgment, when he called me later that night, I decided to go hang out with him and some other people at his place. Of course, I knew what would happen...that's what I WANTED to happen!! I didn't really care about much else at that point, other than that he called ME, when he could have called, or brought home, someone else. But it was me he wanted to see. And I admit, it made me feel special. I just don't see how he can not feel anything, that it's completely meaningless. You'd have to be inhuman for it to not mean anything. Just the way he holds me, ALL NIGHT (and morning and afternoon, lol!), and just the little things, like feeling my heart beat, kissing me on the forehead, and holding me so incredibly close. We have this absolutely AMAZING chemistry. It's just unreal how attracted we are to each other. And I know it's just not me. Because if he clearly was just using me, he wouldn't act the way he does, because I've done the casual thing before, and it has NEVER been like this, not with Adam, not with Chris, not with Ryan. That doesn't mean that he's changed his mind about not wanting a girlfriend, but it doesn't have to be completely nothing to him, either. Friday was our 6th night and half the day (3:30pm!) we spent together. And I doubt it will be the last. Do I want more? Sure. But do I think he might be coming around somewhat? I do, especially after this last time. There was definitely something different with him, not in a bad way at all. But I'm still not going to push it, or wait around for him, either. Still taking it day by day, because as long as I'm still able to see him for as long as I WANT (it's not going to be about whenever HE wants to see me), that's what I'm gonna do. Oh, and guess who I got a facebook message from this morning-- ADAM!!! Yeah, he just wanted to say hey and see how I was doing (I guess that's it!, as he said). I'm really wondering what that means, because he's never just written me without having some other purpose in mind. Does he want to see me? Do I want to see him?? If that is the case, one thing's for sure: I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIM!!! No, no, no, no!! If he's not in it to be in a relationship with me, I don't want to get back involved with him, because it will only lead to heartbreak. Guys don't easily change their ways. And I'm sure things would end up like last time. And I'm not gonna do that to myself again. No way. I wrote him a very short message back saying I was doing good, just busy with school and stuff, and asked how he's been doing. We'll see if he answers back...

And I don't wanna waste another moment, saying things we never meant to say

Who is being completely unproductive right now? ME!!! And I don't really care! I did a little bit of work this evening, but it was enough. I need some goof-off time. More like a day. And so today I took it. And won't get much done tomorrow either, considering that it's a) Friday, b) I have a doctor's appointment, and c) I'm going to the mall! But maybe I can do just a little bit. I was going to try and get some assignments done before the weekend, but whatever. Can't spend all my time on studying. And guess who I heard from today...Skip! Yep, I was definitely surprised. I honestly didn't think I'd hear from him again, not that I didn't want to. He sent me a text message (while in class, as I later found out) saying he hadn't heard from me in a while and asked if I had a plans for tonight. I was sooo happy when I got it. The first thing I thought was yes, I heard from him! He still wants something to do with me! And he was thinking about me, too! But I definitely did not get my hopes up, as the two previous times he's texted me, nothing happened. I responded that I'd been sick (which is true) and hadn't gone out in awhile, and was probably going to go to Potbelly's with Ania (she had just called and asked me). I also asked if he was doing anything. But here's the shocker--he actually responded back for once! "Too fratty, but no plans yet" was his answer. I wrote him back again and asked what he was doing tomorrow. After I found out that Ania didn't want to go out afterall, I decided to call Skip and see what he was up to. So glad he answered...had a little chat...he also decided he probably wasn't going out afterall (he was all for it while he was in class--that'll do it to ya) because he has a test tomorrow. Which is actually fine with me, because I don't want to go out either. I was just going to because Ania had asked me a couple days ago and this afternoon. I'm still not feeling that great, and I'll rack up another day of not drinking (11 now!). He was thinking of me while he was in class "I'll see what Mallory's up to..." And he said to give him a call (or he'll give me a call) this weekend...I'm just glad he's not gone from my life right now. And he obviously still feels some attraction to me, I know he does...how can he resist me???!! Just taking day by day, phone call by phone call. That's all I can do for now. Still not getting my hopes up, but I've just got a renewed feeling.

Well it's all so overrated, in not saying how you feel

I am not one of those girls: those generic, processed, fake girls that all look alike. Nor do I, or have I ever wanted to be one of those girls. I've just been noticing it so much lately, and I've just been very aware of it. I look at the girls in my classes and as I pass by them on campus and elsewhere...they're all the same. Overly and unnaturally tan, obviously-hightlighted blond hair, makeup plastered on their faces, the Louis Vuitton/Coach/Dooney and Burke purses, the $200+ Seven or other designer jeans...the list could go on and on...let me add that now it's the pants--those stretchy, flowy material crop pants everyone and their mother is wearing these days...not to mention the Polo shirts, the Oxford shirts, the I-dress-like-I'm-40-years-old clothes (I guess you can separate them into two classes), and the freaking deck shoes?? What's up with those? Can you tell I'm just a little annoyed? Am I being judgmental? Stereotypical? You bet I am. And I don't really care. Of course there are exceptions. But I'm not focusing on them right now. I'm not jealous, that's not the point of this rant. It's just I'm SO SICK of it!!! I feel like I've definitely been moving in a more individualistic trend lately. And I pride myself for not conforming. Granted, I'm not too far off in some ways, but I definitely do not classify myself as one of these girls. Tan? Not even close, nor do I want to be. Being tan is not everything, and it's definitely not healthy. I'll laugh when they get wrinkles by the time they're 30. I've never given in to buying any designer handbags or jeans. I WILL NOT, I repeat, I WILL NEVER spend over $150 on a bag or on one pair of jeans!! It's ridiculous. I'd rather have a variety and more bags and purses for that amount of money. I'm not cheap, either...I just do not see the point in wasting that much money on something that will be out of style next week! And don't even get me started on the polos, etc...you wonder why I don't feel like I fit in here??? I've never seen more people dress like that until I transfered to FSU. Seriously, the same people in high school never dressed like that. Conformity. They had to conform. It's true that if you put me in a room full of these girls, I will feel incredibly insecure. And that's not their fault--I'm not blaming them for anything. I think I am a very pretty girl (and I am!), but I have issues with the way I think other people perceive me. I've improved greatly, but if it especially involves guys, I will most likely end up crying at some point or another, because I feel like I could never be adequate enough. Never pretty enough to compare. I wouldn't be the one guys would notice, or even look at for that matter. It's one of my biggest fears, and why I've avoided situations like that for so long in the past. I'm not even talking about anyone specific. Just the general mold of this type of girl. You know her. I know her. You see her type all the time. She's the one everyone wants to be like, yet I reject her with a vengence right now. The one thing I want that she has? It's not the clothes or the material things. It's the confidence. The ability to captivate people. Which I lack, and have always struggled with. She's the one on the inside. I'm outside looking in. I'm clingy. I am. It's because I don't know people. I don't have other friends to go over and say hi to and hang out with when I go out. So I stay close by to who I'm with. Like a shadow at times. It's the worst with guys. Skip said I was clingy. He told me that one night, the last night that I saw him. And the worst part is that it's completely true. If they go somewhere and leave me, I'm left all alone, just standing there like an idiot, no one to talk to or no one to see. Why is it so hard to make friends? And where am I supposed to make new friends? There's something holding me back. I have so much potential, as everyone tells me. And I know that I do. But something inhibits me from utlilizng any of it. I want to do things. I want to be involved. But just when I think I can, I stall. I'm standing on the edge, and I can't jump. I need a little nudge, actually a shove, to get me moving. But I don't know what to do. What is it that makes me so hesitant, so afraid? I can't let it keep ruining my life. Otherwise I'll never go anywhere or amount to anything.