Just hold on, hold on to me

I never ask for much. All I want is for someone to care. To show me that they care. I guess I just pick the wrong people. I didn't care about doing anything for New Year's. It's not about what I'd do--it was more about who I wanted to be with. And I won't be with that person. I'm sad. I am, and I don't care if mom gets mad at me for feeling like this. Of course it's a big deal to me. I don't have any fucking friends. Here I was, thinking that maybe I'd have a new year's kiss for once. But he doesn't realize that it isn't about what the plans are--it's just that I wanted to see him. To spend time with him. The stupid break had to pull us apart. Thought it might have been a good thing. But it's just complete torture. I fall for him more and more everytime I talk to him. He's all I think about. And it doesn't matter if I go somewhere else. All I'd be doing is thinking about him, and how I wish I was with him. I hate my life. I'm going no where. I don't have anything to look forward to. I'm stuck. Stuck in this horrible place that I can't get out of because I don't know where to go to change it. I've wasted two whole days doing absolutely nothing. Not because I wanted to, and not because I could. But because I had absolutely NOTHING to do. I have no cause, no purpose, no passion. I hate it when people ask me what I like to do, or what I do in my spare time, because I don't have a fucking clue. I don't do ANYTHING. I go to work, go to the gym, come home, get back on the fucking computer where I've been all day, or watch tv. Boring. God I don't even know why or how he's still wanting to talk to me or to see me. He's said how he loses interest so easily. I wonder how in the hell I'm keeping him interested. Because I'm so incredibly boring. I am. I really, really am. No wonder why I don't have any friends. And no one ever wants to be around me. I hate myself. And everything about me. I'm so alone.

Won't you do this for me now?

I'm scared. And I know I shouldn't be. I really have no reason at all to be at this point. But I feel like it is all going to end before it ever really got a chance to start. I hate feeling like this--so insecure. He likes me. He tells me he likes me. He wants to see me. And he plans on seeing me when he gets back. He calls me and wants to talk to me. He thinks about me, and lets me know that he does. So why is it so hard for me to just let myself trust him? I want to. And I do, well, sort of. I feel like all the guys in the past are really affecting me when it comes to him. I actually have someone that likes me, and I like him back. But I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified that he's going to suddenly change his mind, suddenly going to just stop talking to me, like everyone else. But I know he's not like everyone else. I want to believe that. But I'm so hesitant at this point. Maybe a major part of this is because we just got started and then the break came. I probably wouldn't be feeling so insecure had we not had to be separated like this. I mean, he's made it clear that he likes me and that he plans to pick up right where we left off when he gets back. And just last week, he asked me if I talked to other guys when I went out. We're not seeing other people. But I still feel like he's going to leave me, and it's a horrible feeling to have. One that I'm sure is completely unwarranted. I sometimes think that it's just too good to be true. Especially for me. Like, there's no way he actually wants to keep talking to me or see me again. I guess that has more to do with my own insecurities than anything else. I don't believe in myself enough to think that someone else could. I haven't heard from him in a couple of days. It's not a big deal, except I need to know if he still wants me to come down for New Year's Eve. I sent him a text message yesterday asking him that, since I couldn't get in touch with him by phone, and I didn't want to call him a million times. That's another thing about him--he wants me to call him anytime I want. I was so worried about that, whether or not I should call because I didn't know if it'd be too much or I'd call him one too many times and turn him off, or look like I was coming on too strong. So that eased that worry when he said it was ok to call him as much as I wanted. But still, I don't want to be blowing up his phone! I really hope he calls me today, because I don't want to have to call him. Again. And look like I'm being annoying because I need an answer. I hate waiting for phone calls. Once again, my phone is attached to me, and I find myself waiting...

You must not know about me

I'm in one of those places that I keep getting into. I haven't felt like this in a while. Or rather, I haven't felt nothing in a while. I'm just kinda, here. Not sure what to feel. Or what I should be feeling. Or what I want to feel. I don't want to be sad--i'd rather be happy--but at least it'd be better than this. Maybe I'm just content. But I don't feel completely satisfied, either. I want to be feeling like I should be out somewhere, but I just don't care. It takes so much effort sometimes. After feeling so much at the beginning of the week, it's just dissipated into nothing. A numbness of some sort. I want to be somewhere else, but yet, I don't. I feel like I'm just living day-to-day. Not much to look forward to. Always doing the same exact thing. But yet, when I have the chance to spice it up a bit, I hesitate. Because I like the routine. I like the comfort of knowing what's ahead. It's hard. I want so much more, but I don't know what I want. It's frustrating. I don't have a plan. I don't know where I'm going. Except, I keep moving forward. But I can't see where it's taking me. I hope it's somewhere better than this place I'm in right now.

I see you eyeing me...

I'm trying my hardest not to think about him. Not to want to talk to him, or want to be with him. But it's so hard. I can't tell if he is really what I want, or if I just want him because I can't have him. I mean, the feelings never truly went away, even though I got over him the first time. I can't want him. I can't go back. And I know this. I accepted it one time. And I do again. But that doesn't make it any easier. Why did that night have to happen? Why us? Why then, after it'd been so long and both knew it could never happen again. But it did. And now I can't get him off my mind, even though he has no right to be there.

*Such a freaky coincidence, and so true. Here is what my horoscope said today:

Why do certain events keep occurring in your love life? Why do you always attract a certain type of person? It's a good time to get answers to these kinds of questions, so start asking.

It was always there, just never spoken

Well, for the millionth time this fall, I am sick once again. I've never come down with so many things than I have in the past two months in my entire life. I didn't go into work today. I woke up just not feeling well, and there was no way I could go in and work for 9 1/2 hours. I thought I might be able to go in this afternoon--and it could have been possible--but I knew everyone would just tell me to go back home and not want me to spread anything around if I'm contagious. So I slept all day. Now I just want this day to be over with. I'm just so bored and unhappy. I don't know if the job is what I'm unhappy with--I keep telling myself it's not. But I wonder if I'm just trying to convince myself that it's not that because I don't have anything else. And it's something that I should be happy with. But I think it's everything else that is going on in my life. Wait, make that everything that's NOT going on in my life. I just hate this feeling. This feeling of being dissatisfied and unfulfilled. Maybe I'm going through a quarter-life crisis two years early. I don't know. What I do know is that it's not getting any easier to adjust to life. Although, I did take one step, by joining a gym, which I am glad I did. Maybe I can meet some people there. I just can't take much more of this boring life of mine.

I hope you're as happy as you're pretending

I'm having the hardest time adjusting to life in the real world, and no longer being a college student. I need to make new friends. People my age, in my situation. Meaning, early-mid 20s, and working, and NOT in school. Because, basically I'm as lonely as can be. My own best friend forgot my birthday, and I ended up having the worst night of my life, staying at home, crying because I was so upset that nobody cared. I still feel like no one cares. I'm sick of doing nothing but working everyday. I hate it. I wake up, go to work for 9 1/2 freaking hours, come home, workout, then, after spending all day on the damn computer, I get back on it at home. I don't go anywhere. Some of the time it's because I don't want to. But most of the time, it's because I have no one to do anything with. I don't know what happened. I was doing so well, and now, I feel like I've taken 20 steps backward. And I don't know how to move forward again.

This is not right

I just came across one of the most disturbing things I've seen in a long time. I've become obsessed with quote/icon/survey sites on xanga since I've been working, spending countless numbers of hours on the computer goofing off. Anyways, I was looking at who's been visiting my site, and clicked on one of the most recent hits. Well, it took me to this site of some girl who was obsessed with losing weight and being thin. And I mean obsessed. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It was this log of how it says how much she ate, how much she's going to work out, how many calories her goal of not eating that day was, etc., along with pictures of thin young actresses and models. And all the groups she belongs to are "anorexic teens," "i don't eat," etc., and along those lines. Her goal recently was to be down to 90lbs by the weekend. And I thought I was scaring myself with how I've been lately...I just can't believe there are sites like this. I was too disturbed to read the comments she got and look through her subscriber sites. It's just so incredibly sad. And the scariest thing is it looks like there are a lot more of her type out there, displaying for the world how they're starving themselves. Are these sites a joke? Are these girls crying out for help? I don't know, but it's disturbing to say the least.

I sometimes feel like it’s hard to distinguish between my dreams and reality. They can just seem so real at times, and the next morning I have to tell myself that it was a dream and didn’t really happen, even when if feels like it really did…

I wrote this last night...

So, I read this article today in Time magazine while waiting at the dentist today (I was in pain from having my wisdom tooth out--just one, and it was pretty much unbearable) about how teenage boys are not only about sex as everyone believes and have feelings and want to fall in love, etc. just as much as girls. Ok, so I guess it sounds somewhat credible, if only applied to teens. I could be wrong, because it seems like it's been so long since high school and being a teenager (at least 4 years!). But then I got to thinking about guys in college, and how everything in that article could not apply to the majority of guys. College guys want one thing, and one thing only: and it's NOT a relationship. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions to every rule, and of course not every guy is like this. But there seems to be a trend among the guys I meet and hang out with that seems pretty typical of the college scene--and I'm going on 5 years. Maybe I just have bad luck. Or bad timing. But the guys that I come across either just want a hookup, or have just broken up with serious girlfriends and want to be single. Or they just want "to have fun." Hey, I'm all about having fun, too. To a point. I've had my fun. Lots of it. Along with lots of nights spent crying over stupid guys who never deserved my tears. And it gets old. Really, really, really old. I'm at a point where I just feel like giving up. Like I'm never going to find anyone. Believe me, I'm not looking for marraige--far from it. All I want is for someone to simply give me a chance. To get to know them, and for them to get to know me. I don't ask for a lot, and I never have. I just want someone who cares, who is crazy about me, or at least so excited to have met me that they want to keep getting to know me. None of this making-out drunk and going home together (not that anything necessarily happens). Yeah, it's fun. For that night. And then comes the "what if?" excitement from meeting someone new, the possibility that it brings. And then reality hits--he never calls, or you do end up seeing him out and he's not interested anymore. Been there, done that. Countless number of times. And I'm done with it. Done. It's simply not satisfying. I deserve more than to let myself be used. I know I always say that I never will again after every guy, and I promise myself I won't fall for it again...it's hard to learn. It's hard to not give in to that feeling, that want, that maybe. But just maybe I can do it this time. And maybe I just will. Or, maybe I won't even have to.

I sit alone, in a dark theater

It's weird. I've been really weird lately. Just how I'm feeling. Which I can't really describe. Or explain. It's not like any significant event has happened that would have made me feel sad or incredibly happy. Not that I am either. I'm neither. But I'm not content. I'm not depressed. I just kinda....am. Just moving along, day by day. Nothing really exciting happening. I mean, everything is going fine. Maybe that's the problem. Everything is just fine. I mean, I did let myself get used again, by ANOTHER guy. Yeah, I'm an idiot. But I'm done with all that crap. I know what I want, and I'm not going to settle until I get it. If that means I have to use some self-control (maybe a lot of it), well, I'll try my best. It's not worth it anymore. I don't like feeling like this. Like how? I don't even know. It's just the strangest feeling. A feeling of whatever. Like I care, but then again, I really don't. I feel like I'm just here. Nowhere special. Just around, just existing for the sake of existing. That's a way to live. My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. And so is Halloween. Both things to look forward to. If I don't get extremely stressed or upset about them beforehand. I just want to have some feeling. I don't want to cry, but I don't particularly feel like smiling. Maybe it's just a funk I'm going through right now. Hopefully it'll end soon...

And as for now I'm gonna sit around and hear the saddest songs

I guess you could say I'm just disappointed. Not upset, but a little sad. I didn't get wrapped up in him like other guys in the past, but yet I always wondered if this could be something more. But apparently it was just one week of fun, once again. When am I going to find a guy who wants to be with me for more than a fucking week? When?? Please tell me! I am so sick of it! Seriously, where do I find these guys, and why are they always attracted to me? Or, better yet, why am I attracted to them???? I just feel a little stupid for falling for it again. I guess I like the attention that I get. I probably blew it by calling him a million times (ok, like 4 or 5) on Saturday night, which I don't remember because I was wasted out of my mind and blacked out. That might have had something to do with it. So I didn't try talking to him on Sunday. I decided if he was still interested, he can try and talk to me. But what do I do yesterday? Well, he poked me back on facebook, which I thought had stopped, along with his interest. So when I see that I just smile and am like, ok, maybe he still wants to talk to me. So I poke back. When I get home from work, I see that he's on AIM. After much debate, I decided to say hi. He never writes back. He could have not been by his computer, but he never said anything all night. So don't really know what that means. He could have been ignoring me and not wanted to talk to me. Or he simply might just not have seen it or been at the computer. Whatever the case, I guess I will find out at some point if he still wants to talk to me. But in the meantime, I'm not bothering trying to talk to him anymore. I'm not an idiot. I thought something might have been wrong on Friday night. And it definitely seemed like that until he came home with me at the end of the night. You'd think I'd learn...

It's really good to hear your voice, saying my name it sounds so sweet

Ok, so last night could have been a total bust. And I thought it was for a while. I was supposed to go out, not until later, and I was all ready to go out, too. I looked so pretty--my hair looked great and my makeup was perfect and I looked really hot. But time passed, and it got late, and I hadn't heard from anyone (Nick is who I wanted to hear from especially). I had sent him a text message around 9:30pm, being all cute and asking him what would make tonight a really good night for him (and to keep that answer clean, lol). Well, I knew his phone acts up with regard to receiving text messages, and he was at rush, so I didn't expect to hear from him right away. But i did think he'd answer. But he didn't. So I got all disappointed and sad--not terribly upset, but I did start thinking about how dumb I was to think he was interested, you know, the usually stuff. So I decided to go to bed finally around 12am. I felt stupid for sending him that text and that I blew it. But I had to do it. Before I went to sleep, I looked at what I wrote him and saw that it said "sending in progress." The message had not gotten to him! I felt this huge relief, and tons of stupidity for getting all sad about it when it had not been sent. It all made sense then. So I resent it, even though it was late and was kinda past the point of the message. The point of it was for him to say "to see you." And then I'd go meet him wherever Sig Ep was going that night. Somehow, I think that message was not sent for a reason. I don't know how else to explain it. It's like what happened on Tuesday when I sent him one. It was the first night of rush, and I had gone to Sig Ep for a bit, and of course was looking all over for him, but I didn't see him. I got all disappointed that I didn't see him because I really wanted to see him. I sent him a text, being cute again, saying "you're hard to find" meaning that I couldn't find him. He didn't answer for over an hour. And when he finally did, I found out he wasn't even there that night! I felt so stupid! I went home and ended up talking to him online for like 45 minutes. Anyways, back to last night...so after I re-sent the message, he answered back not long afterwards, with "what do you think? where are you?" I answered back that I was at home and didn't end up going out afterall. He asked why i hadn't gone out and what I was doing. I said no one wanted to go out and that I was sleeping, despite answering his messages. He said thanks and goodnight unless I wanted him to come over and help me sleep. Now, this was a tough decision for me to make. To just continue on sleeping, or to let him come over. I had really, really wanted to see him all day--no, all week!--so I said I would like for him to, but had to get up early. He was like, I get up early anyways, so let him know. I then said he could, but that I was going sleep! So, he ended up calling me and he came over...We made out for a little bit, but I had to get some sleep. I didn't really sleep at all last night. But I was just glad for him to have come over and to have seen him. And he had wanted to see me, too! Which made me feel even better. Because had that message gotten to him sooner, the whole night probably would have been different. I would probably have been out with him, and still ended up with him at the end of the night, but I'd have been drunk. I'm kinda glad things ended up how they did. I need to move slower. And I'm glad I'm not doing things too soon. It's better that way and doesn't make me look like I'm easy and that I'm not only interested in sex. Because I'm not. I like how I've been getting to know him first, and not seeing him too much. Well, sorta. At least it doesn't make me look like I'm trying too hard or moving too fast that I scare him. He's really sweet and makes me feel good about myself. I don't know if this will lead anywhere, but taking it slower than I have in the past hopefully will help. I've already got a huge crush on him. And I absolutely hate crushes! Well, not totally! But it was nice spending the night with him and waking up with him there. Oh, and when he came over last night, I didn't have any makeup on because I had been sleeping. And he still kissed me. Can't believe I let him see me like that, at least it was dark. I actually probably looked better than I did the other night when I was with him and my makeup was all smeared and rubbed off...I just hope he still wants to see me again...and I think he does, because I got a poke back on facebook this morning, lol! And I sent him a text saying I was glad he came over--he made my night. So we'll see if he answers that. He probably will at some point...

I can't wait to fall in love with you....

Boys, boys, boys...I love boys! Well, not when they're jerks, lol! But, I met a new one this weekend! So exciting. His name is Nick, and he's a Sig Ep. It was completely random how we met...I was following Ania, he was standing nearby, Ania said something and asked him if he was a Sig Ep, we all introduced ourselves, Ania left, but he kept talking to me so I stayed. And...that led to getting dinner together, then hanging out at his house for the rest of the night! It was such a good night. I used self-control this time, so all we did was makeout. For like 5 hours! He is sooo cute, too! I talked to him online last night, and we were flirting like crazy. I think he's definitely interested. But I'm going to take it slow this time, not rushing into anything. I don't want to get hurt, nor do I want to do something stupid. So I'm trying not to get too caught up with him right now. We're also in a poking war on facebook. Haha. I'll probably talk to him later today. Hopefully! Ahhh...new boys and crushes....

Do you like it like this?

So I'm going to say, fuck working out, and fuck my stupid concerns, because there is nothing wrong with me!!! I'd much rather be having fun at happy hour than sitting at home miserable and feeling left out because I didn't go because I was worried about my stupid weight! I mean, I only weigh around 105! There's something wrong when a girl thinks that's too much...

Just tell me which way you like it...

To go to happy hour, or not to go to happy hour. That is the question today. I've been sick all week, so I haven't done much except be at work. And that's the problem. I haven't been able to workout, which is driving me crazy. Well, sort of. It's also my fault in that I could have done an easy walk/jog last night, but I ended up taking a nap, and when I woke up, I didn't want to work out anymore. My excuse was that I needed to give my body one more day of rest. Whether that was true or if I was trying to justify not working out remains to be seen. I don't know what it is about me these days. I just don't have as much energy or time to work out like I used to, and when I do, I sometimes just choose not to. And now I'm hating the fact that I've gained a few pounds and don't like the way I feel. I look at myself and say how I'm fat (of course I'm really not, but there's a difference that probably only I can see from about 1-2 months ago). I say I'm going to work out that day, but then something comes up and I don't, and I feel bad about it. The main reason why I don't want to go to happy hour is that I want to work out. I need to workout, for my health and my sanity. But the other part of me says screw that, I want to go to happy hour. But the sane me knows I don't need to drink and should workout, because the second I start drinking at happy hour I will hate myself for doing it. I'll feel bad, and start telling myself how this isn't helping and how I need to get my body back. It's just so frustrating to feel this way. Another problem with the drinking has been the eating while intoxicated...you don't always make the best choices. Like on Monday, I ate something that I would NEVER eat normally, but only did because I was starving and would have passed out if I didn't eat. But I regret it soooo much. All I could think about was how many calories was in that stuff (it was french fries with cheese and bacon and other stuff...granted, it was pretty damn good, but still...). Food is just such an issue for me. I've eaten normally all week. But still, I'm trying to eat a little less and watch portions so I can get back on track. Like I won't eat a 90-100 calorie whole wheat roll because I want to save those calories. Sad, I know. It's also a big deal when I eat and what I eat. I just hate this. It never used to be like this. I know when I started, I really controlled what I ate, but it was different. Now I just get mad at myself. I have to justify it if I do eat something "forbidden" or a little more of something. I don't think I'm gonna go so I can save up for the football game tomorrow, but we'll see. It's such a hard decision!

She's freaky and she knows it...

I think I've gone through another change. Another big one. Not that it happened all at once--it was more like gradual little steps, but then BAM! They all exploded suddenly one day and altered who I was. But it's not a bad thing. Definitely not at all. I have sooooo much confidence in myself, it's unbelieveable. And it's not only when I'm drinking (which intensifies it 100 times), but when I am just regular, everyday me. I think a lot of it has to do with going out so much and meeting so many people, and actually making friends with them, or at least knowing them. So when I go out, I know people, not just by their face, but I can actually hang with them and talk to them. Work has also played a huge part. I'm forcing myself to do things that I normally would avoid at all costs if I could. But the thing is, I can't, because I have a job that I was hired to do. But it's been a good thing, because I'm getting over the fears that I've had, and developing new skills while polishing up things that I was only ok at. For instance, calling people. For some reason, all my life I've had this phone phobia. So stupid, I know. But I just hated to call people. Especially people I didn't know. Which you'd think would be easy to call, because they don't know you. I think that was why I wass afraid--afraid that I'd sound stupid and they wouldn't like me. By my voice and what I said during a phone conversation. The more I write about it, the more ridiculous it sounds! But hey, it affected me, and still, I'm trying to completely overcome it. I really hate not knowing what to say. I like to have a plan. I'm not good at improvising, which is one reason why I'm so quiet in many situations. It's because I don't know what to talk about! But overall, I'm becoming better with conversation. Sort of. Well, maybe a little. Ok, I still suck at it! But I know eventually I will get better. And I think my job will really help me out in pushing my limits even further. I just have to keep putting myself out there. I also think part of my new-found confidence comes from me finally accepting who I am. And how I am. I still don't know who I am in a lot of ways, but I don't feel so lost anymore, like I used to. There's where the steady job comes in again. But I've also just come to terms with some things, or at least felt more comfortable about them. Especially when it comes to guys/sex. My attitude has changed so much over the past year and a half, but not more than it has recently. I like sex. I have needs. I will do what I feel like doing, and not get hurt. I'm not saying I sleep with every guy I meet, because that's definitely not the case, but if I want to, I'll do what I feel like doing (as long as it's safe, of course...number one priority). I guess I've just come into my sexuality, and have become more comfortable with it. I mean, hey, I am almost 23 years old, and I'm just taking advantage of that maturity I've grown into. Because I've definitely grown up. So much. And I'm growing up even more every day, whether I like it or not. I try to fight it by going out like I'm still in college, but I think eventually, no matter how much I don't want it to, I will have to cut back. I already feel like cutting back on the drinking some because I'm not liking the way it's making my body look or feel (it's catching up to me). Plus, it's getting expensive, and I just can't take drinking (excessively) 5 days in a row (like last weekend!). Maybe I can learn to not drink so much....The one thing I can say, however, without a doubt, is that I'm happy. I'm happy not from some other person (which means a guy), but I'm happy with myself. I'm happy because I like myself (well, my body image right now is a different story...). But I can just lay in bed before I go to sleep at night and look around and hug my pillow and smile and say that I'm happy. I am happy.

Baby, take me on a journey...

I might be going to Miami this weekend! It's totally spontaneous...Ania called me up today and was like, "do you want to go to Miami with me this weekend..." and I was like, ummm, ok! Seriously, I think it would be so much fun. My only concern is about getting back in time for work on Tuesday. So wish I didn't have a job right now, or at least I had time that I could take off! But Ania said we'd come home Monday night. But I'm worried about that because...the game is that night, and we probably would be drinking that day....I want to make it home alive! It seriously is a big concern and something to really think about, because it's such a long drive and the roads are going to be crowded because it's Labor Day weekend. And people die during this holiday. I don't want to be one of them. Soooooooo...we'll see if it actually pans out, and if I will be able to go afterall...

Baby don't be gentle, I can handle anything...

Ok, so maybe I overreacted last night (surprise!). The truth is, I don't regret not going to grad school. At least I don't think I do. It's never what I wanted to do in the first place. What I'm doing now is a really great opportunity for me, and I know it will pay off in the future. Plus, it's pretty nice making my own money. And I can continue to go out on the weekdays like I've been doing. Maybe not every week, or 3 or 4 times a week. But I can still do it. And my weekend didn't completely suck. It was nothing exciting, but I got a lot of things done that I needed to do. So that's not a bad thing. And now I'm all rested and ready to go out this week and have fun. I just wish I didn't have to get up so early in the mornings!!

And we can't waste no time, living life this way

Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I should have gone to grad school instead of getting a job. I just feel so lonely and so left out. I can't not go out. Especially when I want to go out and not stay in. I just can't lose having a social life. Because I finally have one. That's the only way I'm around people my age. The only way I can meet people. The only way I may ever finally find a guy who wants to date me. For real. The weekends are the only days that I can really let loose. Where I can sleep in and not worry about any responsibilities the next day. I'll end up going out next week, but it'll be different. I'll have to worry about the time and about how much I'm drinking. I guess the only good thing about my not going out tonight is that I save myself all those calories. And I can use all the help I can get right now, especially since all that drinking and my messed up schedule because of work have caught up with me. And I'm feeling really insecure about it. I think Ania's mad at me. Why she would be, I have absolutely no clue. But she won't answer her phone, when I know she doesn't have anything going on, and she won't call me back. It sucks. It really, really sucks. And so does my weekend.

I know you see me looking at you when you already know...

It was weird. Last night was the first night I didn't go out in a long time. But no one else did, either, because of sorority rush. So it's not like I felt like I was missing out. Because that's definitely why I've been going out so much. Well, one of the reasons. I feel like people know me, they recognize me, which is cool. And I have friends. And a social life. Because that is so important to me right now. I never had a social life before a year and a half ago, and I finally do. I really feel like I do now more than ever. Like everyone is not just Ania's friend, but mine too. I also go out because I want to meet people. Especially guys. Which I do. Not that it's always a good thing. In fact, that's probably the last place I want to meet someone--when they're drunk and they only want one thing. And it hasn't worked out yet. At least so far. But maybe it will at some point, because I honestly don't know where else I'd meet someone. Certainly not at work, because I work with 4 other people! I just hope I can keep it up--going out and working. Of course, I could just wait for the weekends, but I'd be missing sooooo much. And I'd hate to think about not having fun out with my friends. So, why didn't I just stay in school, you might ask...That's exactly the reason why people go to grad school. But I'd still would have had to get a part time job, because I need the experience, and I don't think I'd be able to handle that and school. But I've been ok so far. A few times I've been a little hungover, but it wasn't anything I couldn't manage. There's just too much that goes on. Eventually, I might have to cut back a bit, but I'm gonna keep on doing what I've been doing. That doesn't mean neccessarily going out every single tuesday or thursday in addition to friday and saturday, because I can't believe I do it sometimes. Plus, I don't want to drink so much anymore. Haha, that'a funny. But anyways, I have nothing to write about, which is why I'm going on about this, which is completely lame!

Don't get caught up...

Ok, so I was just re-reading an earlier post and almost died because...the guy I was just talking about happens to be him! And boy have my feelings changed! Well, at least I think they have. I'm talking about Ryan...I guess I have a little crush on him now. All I know is that I want to see him again, to talk to him, to get to know him. I can't explain it. I'm trying not to read too much into it or to get too far ahead of myself, like I always seem to do. But it's just been so...so weird between us. Not "weird" in a bad way, but in a good way. Like how we always end up seeing each other everywhere we go (of course, that could be because he goes out as excessively as I do), but there's just this tension, this attraction that we both can't resist. So I'm just going to see what happens. And try to not get upset if nothing happens. Because that's what I told myself the next day, that it was fun and we have a great time together, and if he wants to get to know me more, great. If not, it's not the end of the world. Let's see if I can hold myself to those words...

Don't let the bullshit rock your world

This is going to be the absolute longest day ever! There's no one here in the office today, and I have nothing to do! And I still have 6 1/2 hours to go :( I still can't get used to this. But I guess eventually I will...I did it again this weekend. Something I probably shouldn't have done, but it was the heat of the moment and I really didn't care. And now, all I think about is him. It's going to be another one that I just can't have. There's definitely an attraction, but the thing is, I don't know what he wants. And most likely, he doesn't want anything more than what it was. Not that it wasn't good. Or fun. But, he is a guy. And in his last year of college. Hell, it doesn't matter what year they're in. They're all the same. They never want anything else, unless it's with someone else. I'm not starting to throw a pity party or anything, but I've come to the realization that guys just don't want a relationship with me. Why? It's beats the hell out of me. And I've accepted the fact about what I do. I don't have to, but I certainly apparently want to. And unless I start hating myself, then I probably won't stop. But I should definitely slow down....I just want to talk to him so bad!!!

It's just too little, too late

Why? Why can't I find someone? Why do they have to lead me on? I'm not a freaking idiot. I know when someone is checking me out/interested....and I know when they're not. Make up your fucking mind. Because I'm not going to put up with it. I'm soooooo much better than any of these fucking guys that I come across. Just when, please just tell me when, I will meet one that changes my mind? Because I don't see that happening any time soon. Or ever in my lifetime.

I need your grace to remind me to find my own

Water gun fights, slip 'n slides, and jello wrestling. Yep, that pretty much sums up my weekend. Such craziness. I can now say I have jello wrestled once in my life. And to think, I actually was about to not go through with it....but it looked like they were having so much fun. I just had to put my fears behind me and do it. And I'm so glad I did. It's all about taking risks. Even if they're small, but it's the only way I will ever be able to move forward, to better myself and become the person that I want to be. I'm getting there. It's a long, tedious, scary-as-hell process, but I know it will be worth it in the end. Just gotta keep taking chances and pushing myself to do things I normally wouldn't do. And I will not settle anymore--I want a relationship, and I will not sell myself short for ANYONE else anymore.

Here is where you wanna be

I wrote this while at work on Thursday...

Why do we always want what we can't have? I feel like a complete fool because I thought he was so much different than he actually is. Wow. What a complete jerk. Seriously, the shit that he said to me last night. Don't act like you're my friend and that nothing happened between us. "You've got paint all over you, that's what I like to see." Why, Jon? Why is that something you like to see? And that's what I asked him. I said something about how he doesn't call anymore, and he was like, "I don't call girls." What? No you did not just say that to me. Then he says that he knows he's a jerk. I agreed. I told him that he was, gave him a dirty look, I may have said fuck you, and then walked off. I did however get back at him by making out with another guy right in front of him on the dance floor. I spotted him out there dancing with some ugly girl, and I danced my heart out with Ryan. Yeah, I was trying to make him jealous. I know he saw me, too. Which is good, because that's exactly what I wanted. For him to see that I can have anyone that I want. And that I don't need him. But who do I really want? Him. But do I really? Or is it just because he rejected me? It's more likely that scenerio. I did like him, and I fell really hard and fast, but I won't let myself be treated like he treats me now. I should have known he was one of those guys who had just broken up with a serious girlfriend and of course doesn't want a relationship now. Whatever. He's not that cute, anyways. I can do way better. And as for Ryan...I really don't know if I like him. I definitely take advantage of him and flirt like crazy with him, even when I don't want anything more. I've noticed I've been doing that more and more lately with various guys. Not on purpose. Just because I'm having fun. The ones I do that with aren't guys I'm interested in, anyways. Except, hmmm....I can't really tell what my feelings are for Ryan. I mean he's a fun guy and we get along really great. We seem to run into each everywhere, which we joked about last night. I mean it was kinda random, it being Sig Ep's day glo, and he's a Phi Sig. Last night I also just wanted to find a guy so I wouldn't feel so left out, like I could forget about seeing John dancing with other girls and not wanting to even dance with me. And so that he could see me with another guy. But I wasn't actually using Ryan, because I did want to hang out with him when I saw him, not just because of Jon. It's been such bad timing with this guy. I met him, but then everything happened with Sam, we ended up kissing while I was not officially involved with Sam, but still (well, one last time)...And then came Jon...and now here he is again. I don't know. I did know that I didn't want to do anything sexual with him last night. Kissing, yes. Anything more, definitely not. Mostly because I want to slow down when it comes to that and make it actually meaningful, with someone I won't end up crying my heart out about the next day or two. Uh, because that's what's happened that with the last three guys. And I don't know...I just didn't want to. It doesn't mean I'm not attracted to him, because obviously, I am, and he is to me, too. God but do I want more than that. So much more from a guy. I thought that it was Jon who that'd happened with, but I was wrong. I can't believe how much my judgment failed with him. I just let myself go, though. I threw myself into it, albeit quite cautiously and with lots and lots of fear that it'd end. And it did end. Was it because I kept thinking that it was too good to be true? It definitely seemed way too good to last, because the way I felt--I hadn't felt like that in so long. Like there was such promise. It was never there with Micah, nor Sam. I knew how they felt and what they wanted, or more like didn't want. But Jon completely had me going with the way he acted. All the way up until Wednesday night, everything seemed to be going so well. So well. Then I have absolutely no idea what changed, or why he changed his mind. And that was it. I didn't hear from him. When he didn't call me last Thursday, I just knew. Actually, I knew after he left on Wednesday that something just wasn't right. And I wasn't wrong about that feeling.

I put it back, right where you found it

WIRED!!! Had such a good night....and yeah, he is such and asshole...just like all the rest. I do feel like an idiot for ever believing anything more, but whatever. I don't need him.

You took everything out

It was just too good to be true. I was happy. Things were for once going really, really great. And that's why it's gonna end.

You should let me love you

I don't know why I do it to myself, but I did it again. I just feel so incredibly stupid. Have I not learned anything from the past? I was pretty high for a short period--but not too high because I knew what reality would most likely bring. And I'm feeling like I'm experiencing that reality right now. The reality that always is the same. Why did I feel like it was something different this time? It's always something different. But not really. I think I sort of convinced myself that this could be a potentially very good thing. Well, right now it certainly doesn't feel that way, and I am doubtful that anything will end up changing. He's just like the rest--they don't want a relationship, I know that. It won't change. He doesn't call. He calls your best friend. But not you. Just like Micah never called me. It's the same with Sam. He could have called me today and asked why I was upset last night. Part of me is glad he didn't, so I didn't have to make up a fake lie that I can't pull off. But then again, why didn't he? I know the answer: he DOESN'T CARE. He doesn't want to care, and he never will. If someone likes you, even if they're not looking for a "relationship," they will call because they want to talk to you. But they never do. And this is nothing different. I don't regret anything, but part of me wishes it hadn't happened. So I don't have to feel this way again. To feel like a complete idiot for ever believing this could be anything more that what I unfortunately have forced myself to come to accept--nothing. I can't waste my time anymore on people who don't feel the same way. There's no point in putting so much time and energy into someone whose feelings won't change. I've wasted too much time in the past, and I won't let myself do the same with him. My intuition was saying that there's something here that could work, but it's been wrong before. I feel like he did like me, and maybe that's part of why I've done what I did. But I think I was wrong. So much for (in his words) "lucky number 7."

I remember when you came with me that night

Why is it that we always seem to want the one who doesn't want us back? I wasn't exactly surprised with they way he felt, but I guess I didn't want to believe that it was actually true. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions were clearly speaking "not interested." I just thought that maybe, just maybe, his feelings had changed. But they haven't, and they won't. I don't like it, but I accept it. It's not worth the time and energy to try and convince him otherwise. Not when there is someone out there who actually is worth the effort, and you won't have to try like you do because they will actually want to be with you. There are so many guys right now. I'm bound to find someone who wants to be with me like I want to be with them. Except he's still there, in the back of my mind, in my heart. But I will let go, he will fade away.

Can someone please tell me why I put up with her shit for so long?? But I'm done with it. I won't take it anymore.

And even when I'm scared I've got to try to fly

I'm not ready. I really don't believe in my heart that I am. I probably never have been, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. I feel like such a failure because I say I can't. But I can't. I honestly don't think I can at this point. I tried to make myself feel like I could, but I'm fooling myself. All I'd be doing is running again. Running away from my problems, but they'll only follow me wherever I go. They did twice before. And they will again. That's why I feel like such a failure. God, but it feels like a huge relief to just finally admit it. Is it my final decision? No, not totally. Part of me doesn't want to decide yet. Or at least, decide this. But just realizing that it may not be what I want to do, it lifts this gigantic weight off of my shoulders that I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks now. And it's ok if I'm not ready at this point. No one says I have to go. I thought that I did, but if it's causing me as much anxiety and stress as it has, then maybe it's not right. If it was, it shouldn't be so hard, and I wouldn't be feeling so torn. I wouldn't be staying for anyone, just like I wouldn't be leaving for anyone. It's my decision, it's about me. What I want. And I think I finally figured it out.

Can you feel it?

Oh, and what is it with every single guy I meet? "I don't want a relationship right now." I JUST MET YOU!!! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT A RELATIONSHIP, TOO? AND WITH YOU, NONTHELESS!!!! ARRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! No, this pisses me off soooooo fucking much. And it happened once again the other night, and I just lost it. I'm sick of it all. I'm done with it. Don't waste my time anymore. I don't need to deal with this crap anymore.

I never promised you a ray of light

Boredom. Complete boredom is what I've been experiencing lately. And way too much of it. I have nothing to do to fill my time. I'm trying, but it turns out I just waste most of it. Like always. I'm trying to figure something out...but I just don't know yet. The whole D.C. is still weighing so heavily on my mind. I haven't made a decision yet, and don't even know if I'm close to making one. I'm scared, and I don't know if I will be able to do it. There are so many things to think about. The job. The place to live is the big one. And it really has been stressing me out. I haven't wanted to admit it to myself, but it has. And I'm tired of having to explain it to everyone. You'd think I'm not excited about it at all by the way I don't ever want to talk about it. It's just that I'm trying to figure some things out about myself first. Like can I really do this? Do I really want to? I can't seem to come up with definite answers. But I know I need to do this. And I really can. I just have to stop being afraid. I'm way too scared. Some degree is normal, but fear has run my life for too long. And it's affected too many of my decisions, many of which I have come to regret, or wished I'd chosen differently. I don't have anything here anymore. I don't want to stay. But yet, I don't know if I'm ready to leave. It's a hard move to make. It's actually more like a huge jump for me. Taking such a big step. I did it once, and I failed. Maybe that's part of what's causing all this. It is. I don't want to fail. I don't want others to see me fail. I don't want others to think I will fail. I desperately want to make a decision. And soon. Because I can't take much more of this, nor will my dad (meaning I need to get a job!). Indecision is not fun. Now, what to do with the tons of magazines I've got laid out on my bed that I just can't get rid of...

Cause you had a bad day...

I don't even want to think about it anymore, I've already thought about it so much. And it's driving me crazy because I don't know what I'm going to do. And all of it is mainly stuff that I don't want to do. And is it worth it to move all the way up here, working some job temporarily until I find the one I want? That's the question I have to ask myself. And then there's the question about money. I just don't know what to do at this point. I just want to go home. I'm bored to death and all alone. Yeah, those are great feelings to have, especially when you want to move away. But where I am right now isn't my home, and it wouldn't be my home. I'm also out in the middle of suburbia, where there is no one my age and nothing for me to do except wander (or more like drive, get stuck in traffic) around town and malls. Or sit at home, sleeping, watching tv or being on the computer. And how is this any different from when I really am home? It's because I'm not home. This trip has just lasted way too long, and I'm ready for it to be over. I've just gotta get through this long, boring day....

Make a wish, take a chance, make a change...and breakaway

It's official: I am in love with Washington, D.C. I just absolutely love the city. And I really haven't seen that much. But I can just feel it when I'm standing on the sidewalk, with the massive buildings rising before me, and the landmarks that are around every turn. Just today, after my interview, I was walking around, and it was so cool to call home and say when my mom asked me what I was doing, "just standing in front of the White House." And imagine, that's what it could be like everyday. Now, if I can just make a decision on a job to get me up here....I finally know what I want to do at this point in my life--and that's to work in politics, like up on the Hill, or in a lobbying/special interest organization. That's what I'll be happiest doing. And I'm trying to make it happen. I am so proud of myself, because after I came to my realization yesterday morning, I'm the one who initiated the moves from there. I'm still getting help, but it was my idea. And it's really all about who you know in this town--networking is key. So we'll see...

Watch my life pass me by, in the rearview mirror

I want to move to Washington, D.C. right now. I've got to get out of this place. I'm so sick of it. Of everything. I don't even care if I don't have a job yet. I want out of here. I've been so miserable lately. So lonely. I want to get out, to be around people. Meet people. But on my terms. I'm so tired of it always being what everyone else wants to do and me going along with it because I have no other choice. If I want to do something, it's maybe some other time, or I've gotta get this or that done, or some other suggestion. Or if there's a good idea to do something that's mine and I want to do it, it won't happen. Like tonight. I don't really want to go out and drink. Ania said she was invited to go to the funstation with some guy friends of hers, and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I said I did, because why not? It sounds like some fun, something different, and I haven't been there since I was in middle school. But no, she ends up not wanting to, and is out somewhere else. Says she's just going to stay home and do laundry, but I should still come over. But I don't want to. I don't want to stay in, and I don't want to go over to her apartment where a bunch of guys are going to be smoking pot and I don't want to smell like it and I don't want to just sit there doing nothing. I want to go out to Cafe Cabernet tomorrow night, since that's the night when all the college people go. I want to ask Ania, but I'm afraid. Why am I afraid? Because I know she'll say no. Or make up some excuse, like that she has class the next day. At 11am. Give me a fucking break. I've gone out plenty of nights, gotten completely wasted, and then woken up before 8am to go to class or work. There's no excuse for it. And it doesn't even have to be that way. I'm actually not really interested in drinking so much right now. And not that often. I just want to get out and been seen by people, particularly guys. I'm falling back into my old ways, and I don't want to. There's just no one to do anything with. So how will that change if I move? My problems will still be with me, but I will force myself to change. I've become lazy, and I'm sick of trying here. I've tried so hard, I just want to give up. It hasn't worked, and I'm tired of always being the one. The one to call. The one to feel like a complete idiot because she doesn't have any friends, and it's so obvious I don't. I want roommates. A couple of cool girls who like to go out. A few who will be my best friends. I see other people that have it. And I'm sooooo jealous, because it's what I want. It's all I've ever wanted. And I'm sick of regretting so many things about my past, and what I might miss in my future, or even today. I know, it doesn't make sense. I'm complaining, when I can go hang out with Ania. If she calls. Because I'm not calling her again. But I'm so tired of her calling all the shots, always running things on her terms. I don't know why I keep calling her my best friend. Because she hasn't acted like it in a very long time. And I don't feel like going somewhere where I'm going to be called out as being so quiet and why don't you talk. I don't feel like I can grow anymore here. It's only hindering me. I need someplace where I can feel like I can accomplish something, do something important, or at least fun. I need a city. With things to do. With lots of people. Where I can have the best time of my life. Because I don't think college was it.

It's all up in the air and we stand still to see what comes back down

It's been on my mind for a while. At first, it was just a thought, something I needed to think about, far away in the back of my mind. But every day it's creeped closer and closer to the forefront. And finally, it's all I can think about. And it's driving me insane. No, it's not a boy. It's my future. What I want to do with the rest of my life. Actually, it's more like what do I want to do this summer? What should I do? What do I want to accomplish? And where do I go from there? So many questions, so few answers. I honestly don't know what I want to do. Well, that's not true. I have a slim idea. I want to do something with politics. But do I really? That's what I think I want to do, but that's where I really don't know. I guess, though, that this is the time to find out. To try to find a job or something that will help me figure out if this is really what I want to do. I know that I'm not the only one in this position--so many people don't know what they are going to do. But I just graduated, and I feel like I should have some sort of plan, some type of road map that will lead me. However, I do not. It's up to me to make one for myself--the difficult part. I was about to freak out today when I got home, after spending an hour at the pharmacy waiting on a prescription, on top of doing nothing but sitting and bill watching, and a stupid guy, I got so frustrated. I need to do something. I can't not do something this summer. No more wasted summers as in the past literally 8 years. I need to make some money--I have the pressure from my dad to at least do that. Although, he fully supports me in my search to find out what I want to do-- I just need to have a paying job along the way. And I understand. But I just don't want any old waitressing job or something like that--I want something worthwhile, that will help me gain more experience. AHHHHHHHHHHH! I just want to scream. I am so confused. I feel like I have to make a decision right now. Because time's wasting. I need to get out a town for a few days. I need a mini-vacation. What I really want to do it go to New York. And Italy. And move to Washington, which I know will happen, because I'm going to make it and besides, my parents have already told everyone that's where I'm going. No pressure, right??!!

And it's gone, gone going

I just worked out for the second time today. All because of what I ate for dinner. I went out with Kathryn, and we went to this cute little Italian place. The food was really good, but I felt so guilty eating it. I didn't want to, but there really was barely anything on the menu. It was only chicken parmasen, but the chicken was fried and there was so much cheese. And I really felt like running for 10-15 minutes when I got home to work off some of those calories. So I did. Is that crazy? It's actually the first time I've done that. I had cake 2 days last weekend and didn't care and I didn't work out Friday or Saturday and was ok with it. But maybe that's why I felt I had to tonight. I don't know. But I do know I feel somewhat better. I just wish I hadn't had that to eat. And that's not a good thing to be thinking.

I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell

Today has been...well, not much of anything. I'm still working at my internship (my last day is Thursday), and what I'm mainly doing is sitting up at the Capitol outside the House watching bills. More like sitting there, bored to death. It gives me too much time to think. Really about nothing. Except a certain boy. Who nothing will change with. I wanted it to, thought for a second that it might. But I know in my heart that it won't. Why? Because they're all the same. I just don't think I can trust any guy anymore. Nothing that they say is true. Or at least, it's some distortion of the truth. Maybe they are speaking the truth and I just don't want to see it. No, it's mainly lies that they tell, empty promises that are easily forgotten or broken. I'm not the least bit bitter, lol. But seriously, he just needs to stop. Stop pretending to care about me. Stop acting like he wants to be at the minimum friends when he doesn't even really want that, except when we end up running into each other or I'm over at his apartment with Ania to be there with his other roommates. The funny thing is, I'm not exactly sure that I like him. I mean, I do to some extent, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this way. I'm just sick of all the stupid games that guys play. That I have to play along with so I don't appear too eager or come on too strong or want anything more than what things currently are. I'm still not really wanting to be in a relationship. But I want a guy to stick around for a little bit. To want to get to know me. Because I've been here many, many times before now. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me that they don't want to get to know. Obviously. But I know that's not it, everyone says that's not it. But maybe I'm just one of those people that will go from guy to guy from one failed dating attempt to another. I don't know why I was chosen for this to happen to. I was upset before I started writing tonight. I don't know why I'm making myself feel bad right now. So I'm just going to go and stop now while I'm ok.

Maybe I'm just stupid, or just want to think the best about people. But I doubt anything will ever change, just like I originally thought.

you see yourself in the mirror and you feel safe cuz it looks familiar

Maybe things won't be like they were last time. Maybe I was just freaking out about nothing again. I tend to do that. It was a huge relief to get his text message today, because all day I was thinking the worst. The worst being I wouldn't hear from him again, that he really didn't care, that it was meaningless to him. That he didn't want me. Still, I can't jump the gun, because I don't know what's going to happen. He may have texted other people. But he was thinking of me at the least. I take it as a good sign, a first step. He would always ask Ania how I was doing or what I was up to. He finally asked me himself. It wasn't a call, no, but it's a small but very big step that just may mean he's serious about wanted to hang out with me this time. Because I made it clear that it was not meaningless, that I thought much more of that night than that little problem and that I hoped he actually wanted to hang out for real this time like he said he did. Because I know it's a big deal to him. And I hope he realizes it was a big deal for me, too. Maybe he's finally going to let go of whatever has been holding him back and stop being so afraid.

I wanna know what goes on in your mystery

Ok, so this is reallllly bugging me right now. I talk to Ania, and she says everytime she sees Micah, he always asks about me. How's she doing, what is she up to. If he wants to know so bad, WHY DOESN'T HE JUST ASK ME HIMSELF???? I haven't heard from him or seen him since last Tuesday at the house. If he cares so much, why doesn't he call? Or respond to me? I sent him that message saying sorry about if I seemed to act weird, but he didn't say anything back. I called him Thursday night, but he didn't answer and I didn't leave a message and he never called back. And stupidly, I sent him a text message just saying hi on Friday night. I wish I hadn't done that. But I haven't heard from him AT ALL. And it's really pissing me off. I'm not calling him. I shouldn't have to. He can find out himself what is going on with me if he really wants to know. But obviously, he doesn't. Why is he sooooo confusing? He says he wants to be friends, get to know each other better, hang out. So why is he acting this way??? I'm trying, so why isn't he, when it was his freaking idea? I really want to call him out on it, like if you really want to know, you should just ask me yourself instead of going through Ania everytime. Most of the time I haven't even talked to Ania, so she has no idea anyways. She always tells him he should give me a call, too. He should really take her advice. I'm going to have to force myself to stay away from facebook tonight, because I want to write on his wall good luck on finals, but I KNOW I shouldn't. It's too tempting. But it'll only end in disappointment, as he won't respond and he STILL WON'T CALL. That's what I need to keep telling myself. And try so hard not to contact him, because it's all up to him at this point. I've made it clear that I'd like to talk to him (by calling) and that I think about him (the text message). Now it's his turn to prove it to me that he wants to hang out and be friends. And he still has to work on everything else that he's already screwed up. Because I haven't forgotten.

Spending all your time on me, on me

Last night I had a mini-breakdown. It just came over me all of a sudden. Ania wanted me to go out, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I mean, I did want to, but things were holding me back: having to get up early in the morning, I didn't really feel like drinking, and I didn't want to have all those empty calories. It pretty much triggered the crying. I felt like if I didn't go out, I'd be missing out. But I really, really didn't want to. So I call mom crying and asking her what I should do. She says I need to go back on my medication. I don't know. Maybe I need to. I have been really up and down lately emotionally. And I feel like I am falling back into some familiar patterns, at least mentally. The negative voices in my head are getting louder. I've definitely noticed a changed with the way I look and feel about my body. It's been really bad lately. I'm obsessed with food--I think about what I'm going to eat, and when I'm going to eat all the time. And I get mad at myself for eating something like an apple or a banana. I don't eat bad foods--I eat very healthy. I can't believe I get so mad at myself for eating something now. But I also feel like I've been eating so much--but a lot of nothing that I should feel guilty about. I don't know where this came from. It's scaring me. But enough about that. So, I have no idea what's going on with Micah. He never called me back after I returned his call. But I got a drunk facebook message from him Friday night and a wall comment. In the message he said that he was letting me in on a little secret that he's incredibly afraid of getting close to someone and thought I deserved to know that. I really don't know what that meant. And why he told me. Is he afraid of getting close to me specifically? So I wrote him back. And it wasn't too nice. I told him he should just tell me exactly how he felt and that he wasn't the guy I though he was. He wrote me back the next day this whole explanation. And as I was responding back to that, he called me Sunday evening. Of course it turns out it was after he had talked to Ania. But he apologized. A million times. Said he was really sorry he acted like such a jerk and for treating me that way. He told me what he wanted--which is not a relationship. He kept saying he didn't know what I wanted or how I felt after that night, because it was a big deal to him (he doesn't exactly do that...well, technically neither do I). So I told him exactly where I stand--no relationship, not even a boyfriend. So we agree there. I don't know. We talked for a while. After we got all that stuff out, we started talking about religion somehow. Then we got cut off and I called Ania. And she said that he told her Joey, one of my sisters and supposed friends and good friends with Micah, said I was going around telling everyone I'd had random sex with him. That really got me upset. For one thing, it was completely false. I never told anyone but Ania about that night (and we didn't even have sex!). I felt betrayed by someone I thought was a friend. I felt humiliated. And I couldn't believe that he thought that I did that! All in all, it was just a situation of misinformation and lack of communication. We didn't know how each other felt or what each of us wanted. So now...we're supposed to be friends. Getting to know each other more. He showed up at dinner with Joey yesterday. So awkward. I saw him coming down the stairs, and of course, what do I do? My standard reaction--I ignore him, act like I didn't know he was there. He comes up to me after a little while, and I act surprised to see him. Says to come over and sit with them. So I do. He makes a comment about my little photoshoot I put on facebook--he was like "yes!"--a little embarassing. I'm pretty much silent the whole time (what's new). But I feel really awkward because I didn't know what to say or do. And I was eating, on top of that. That's the worst for me. Being nervous and eating. I just feel so stupid and self conscious. So eventually I have to get up to leave to go to class. I stand up, and I can tell he wants to give me a hug goodbye the way he was moving his arm. But I couldn't get over to him, nor did I know what I should do. So he ends up blowing me a kiss good bye. Talked about surprised! I was like, oh, ok. Gave a little embarassed smile, because both Joey and their friend Griffin looked at me right after he did that, just as surprised as I was. I have NO IDEA what the hell that means! I had sent him a text message the night before inviting him to something just to invite him, and he wrote back with "oh, sweetheart." This boy is soooo confusing. I don't think he calls his other friends sweetheart. And I don't think he blows them kisses goodbye, either. I feel like I also got the feeling he wanted to kiss me when he came over to say hi to me at dinner. But I don't really remember. He still wants to hang out. But I haven't heard from him since I saw him. I sent him a little facebook message saying I was sorry if I seemed like I was acting weird at dinner and I didn't mean to I was just feeling quite awkward. He didn't write back. Don't know what that means, either. But he did look sooo cute yesterday. He cut his hair and he had the whole five 'o clock shadow thing going on. I still can't get over what that kiss goodbye meant. ??????

You had your chance...you blew it

What a bad week this has been. We had to put Lucy to sleep on Monday. That was the worst. It was so horrible--and incredibly hard--to see her the way she was. And then to watch her die. It still doesn't seem like it's real. I haven't been home again yet, so it hasn't completely hit me. I've been ok all week after Monday. Until today. Another guy turned out to be a complete jerk. Why the hell did he say he wanted to hang out with me, that he didn't want anything serious? Because that's exactly what I want. I'm every guy's dream right now, seriously. No committment. Just want to hang out (and you know...). I'm not looking for a relationship. Well I guess he is, because he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. He was such a jerk at that party. And he calls to apologize yesterday afternoon. Asks me to give him a call later. I call him back, reluctantly (but also later). No answer. So I don't leave a message. Can't take my eyes off my phone. Doesn't call back. So I call back, thinking because I didn't leave a message, so he wouldn't call back. No answer again. This time I leave a message saying I got his message and for him to call me back so we could talk. I think he purposely didn't answer my calls. THEN WHY THE HELL DID HE CALL IN THE FIRST PLACE??? AND ASK ME TO CALL HIM BACK????????? It's really bothering me. Especially this evening. I was on the verge of tears--about him, about Lucy, about everything. I'm not in that great of a mood. If he goes online tonight, I'm talking to him and going to ask him straight up what is going on. Because it's pissing me off. And I can't stand not knowing. Even though I know it's probably a bad idea. I don't really care. I need to know.

I'm so sick of love songs, so tired of tears

No matter what, I always seem to return to this place. It's a circle that never ends. And I'm afraid it never will. I want it to, and I'm trying so hard to end it, but after a while, it just becomes so exhausting. I have three weeks left. But three weeks of what to look forward to? A lot, but then again, it'll all be things I'll end up missing out on because of the same old reasons. Another week out of my life was wasted; but this time I really couldn't help it because I was sick. I still am sick. I wish I was able to go out tonight. But then again, who would I be going out with? I'd have to make a million phone calls to people who could care less about me. Ania is in her own world. I have no one, as usual. I wish people would call me. And not because I already called them first. And that's why they call it a wish.

Yo, excuse me miss...

So tonight I might have gone on the last walk I will ever go on with Lucy. It could also be the last time I see her alive. Mom says she only has a couple of days left. I don't know why she thinks that--I didn't ask for her to explain. I just accepted it. Well, not really. I guess she's been acting a little strange the past few days, like not wanting to come home from her walk, and she stayed outside practically all day today (but I was out in the sun, and the cats were outside, too so that may have been a big factor). And she was extremely eager to go on a walk tonight. I haven't seen her so excited to go on one in a very long time--and it was all her, Mom didn't really want to take her on one, but of course we couldn't disappoint her. It just doesn't seem real. I guess I've pretty much put it in the back of my head to deal with it. Like, I know she's dying, and it could happen anytime, but she's still fine. Maybe I'm in denial a little bit. But it's too weird now with Mom saying she only has a few days left. Why is that the case? Her legs have been bothering her a little more, but she's still ok. She's not hurting, but I think she's starting to sense that something's not right with her. Mom said to say goodbye to her today when I left as if it were really goodbye. I tried, but I didn't want to cry or get upset. I don't know if it was good enough. I just made it a normal, but slightly longer bye than usual. I've been doing that anyways, but....it's getting too hard for me to write about this. I don't have a good feeling about this week right now. Everytime my mom calls me, I just hope, I just hope it's not to say she's gone. Not yet. Please.

Kisses don't lie

I've been sick in bed for the past three days. I've felt like I've been practically dying I've been so miserable. But my weekend was worth all of it! My cousin got married in South Carolina last weekend, and boy did I ever have some fun, lol...let's just say there were two boys...one friday (and yes is the answer to what you may be thinking)...and then one late saturday night (and no, not technically...). Both incredibly good looking guys. Both friends of my cousin! I was seriously the slut at the wedding, lol! I'll be honest...I went a little wild. I didn't come back to my room either night, and on Saturday night, I only got 2 hours of sleep! It's definitely a weekend I will remember. Just wanted to write a little something...now it's time for some more sleep so hopefully I'll be feeling much much better tomorrow.

baby i'm back here

I'm still alive...life's just been so crazy lately...not to mention I've done something crazy that caused me to go the ER on Saturday morning...I'm perfectly ok, and I probably didn't actually need to go, but it was just to be on the safe side. So, I took half of an adderall so I could drink all evening and night on St. Patrick's Day. I definitely accomplished my goal, but I had a few minor complications that next morning (heart beating very fast, very hot, short of breath). This guy I met stayed over with me (nothing happened, didn't want anything to...why I let him even come over I have no idea...now he's obsessed with me...would be absolutely perfect, except I'm not at all attracted to him--it was just a drunk, more like wasted, thing) and he took care of me, which was really sweet. But, I have no interest in him whatsoever. He doesn't even live in town. He called me today, but I missed his call (not on purpose, my phone was on silent and I was extremely busy today). I feel like I should call him back, but I really don't want to. He didn't leave a message. I feel bad. But he'll get over it. I kissed Micah again on Friday...two guys in one night. Have NO idea how that happened...we were all standing around and I had my camera out, and the next thing I know we're kissing and taking a picture of us while we're kissing. I don't like him, either. More of the idea that he likes me. I don't like anyone right now. I'm definitely attracted to Jason, and we're still in touch. I should see him tomorrow night at out crush...I invited him and he said he "def. wanted to go to that." I would definitely like to dance and kiss that boy again...long day number one down, long day number two ahead...

Now it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you

So it's back to the usual tomorrow. Not that since I've gotten back from Orlando things have been unusual. Spring break was well....fun Friday through Tuesday...then sad and fairly boring the rest of the time. Nothing ever goes as planned. Or wished, for that matter. I have 1 1/2 months left. And that's it. Things are really about to pick up, starting with this week. And I'm not just talking activities-wise, but school-wise as well. Time to start putting some time into some school things I have to take care of (one FINAL paper, a dance routine, a test). Blah. But then there's the activities...some planned, some yet to be realized. I am really nervous. I have a bad feeling about things. I feel like these last few weeks are going to take so much effort, and will end up being like how everything's been. I just want to enjoy what time I have left in college, but I don't think that's going to happen. I have no friends who want to do the things I want to do still (i.e. going out and drinking and meeting guys). That's all I want to do right now. I don't care how shallow it sounds, but when else am I ever going to get to do this again??? NEVER. I see my weekend already: sitting at home, depressed, because I can't find anyone to go out with. I don't want that to be the case, but I can't help thinking about it. St. Patrick's Day is Friday. And I remember last year how I wanted to do something, but didn't because I had no one. It's funny how far I've come, yet I remain in the same position as I was in at this exact point in time last year. Ready to have lots of fun and going out, but lacking friends to do things with. I just don't want to miss anymore opportunities. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to regret not having done something that I wanted to do. But it's not going to be easy, because I know the odds are against me and are going to fight me every step of the way.

I'm heavily broken and I don't know what to do

It's so hard to go home. Or even just to think about it. I cried myself to sleep last night. I just had a memory, and then it led to another and then another...before I knew it I couldn't stop crying and feeling sad. My mom is taking it really hard. I don't blame her. Lucy's her baby. She is the one who spends the most time with her since she's home all the time. It really hurts. And it hurts so much to see my mom upset. We are all upset. I haven't let anyone see that I'm upset yet. I've tried to not cry in front of anyone. But of course, that won't last long because that's not how I am. I can't hold things in when I'm upset. I knew this day would come. I've even thought about it in the past as I've realized how old Lucy's gotten. But I don't want it to be real. I don't want it to be now, and not like this. I think I'd rather not know. Even though the shock of it would be incredibly hard to handle, I think if it was unknown and she got really sick or just passed away in her sleep it would have been better. So we don't have to keep thinking about how she's not going to be here and how this is the last time for everything with her. The things you take for granted. The saddest day is going to be when she's no longer there to greet us at home. To bark at the doorbell ringing. To go on her morning walk. I could go on and on. She means so much to all of us, to me. Our lives just wouldn't have been the same without her. She's brought us more joy and happiness than is describable. It's so hard to say goodbye. Because I don't want to say goodbye. She's more than just a dog. She's a friend, a companion, our 6th member of the family. Actually, she's more like the center of our family. She really is just like another human. I don't want to see her suffer. To see her slowly deteriorate. We won't let her suffer too much. When she can no longer breathe comfortably, we will put her down. Mom wishes she will just pass away in her sleep. But I don't know what will happen, or when it will happen. I don't know if my parents know a timeframe or not, because they didn't tell us. I wonder if they do know and just don't want us to know because it's not long. I don't think it is long at all. I give her a month, if that. I mean, other than the cancer, she's perfectly healthy. She's having minimal complications so far, which is how we found out. But the thing with cancer is it can progress so fast, and it's already spread throughout other parts of her body. There's nothing we can do for her except make her last days as enjoyable as we can. And luckily she doesn't know she's sick. But at some point, I think she will know. I've never been in a situation like this, at least that I can remember and comprehend. My grandpa died of cancer, but I was only 7 years old. My first dog, Princess, had cancer as well, but it was sudden and I was still young at 10 years old. The dog we got after Princess, Teddy Bear, died unexpectedly not even a year after we got him from a heart attack. And that's what led us to Lucy. Lucy is the dog that I've really grown up with. I loved the other two just as much, but with Lucy it's different because of my age. I remember everything, and did so much more with her. I just can't imagine life without her. It has been different ever since I went away to college, but I got my summers with her when I was back from UCF. And she's part of the reason I came back. Because I missed my family. And Lucy is a huge part of our family--that's actually an understatement. I missed Lucy and my cat Frosty. And this is where taking things for granted has come in. I feel like in the past few months there were times I could have gone home and seen her, but didn't. But there's no sense in feeling guilty. I can't change anything. All I can do is make the most of the time we have left with her. Which is why I will probably go home more often. And even when I really don't want to, I know I will feel guilty if I don't, because it could be the last time I see her alive. I know she knows we all love her with all of our hearts. She's had the greatest life a dog could ever have had with us. She was spoiled rotten. But yet, she remained the sweetest, most loving dog I have ever met. She wouldn't hurt a fly, literally. I don't think I could be there if we have to put her to sleep. We won't take her to the vet--my parents have arranged it so that her doctor will come to our house so she won't get scared (she hated going to the vet). But I remember being there with my cat Milo, and how it was so hard to see her lifeless body lying there, watching the life slip away from her. It was hard enough then, and I definitely don't think I could be there with Lucy. But at the same time I want to be there. I just don't want this day to come. But in the meantime, all we can do is just let her be Lucy and live like she normally does, only savoring every bark she cries, every look she gives you, and just being in her presence. Because soon, they'll all just be memories. Forever.

Lucy has cancer. And it's spread. We won't have her much longer.

Let me take you on the ride of your life...that's what I said alright

Wow. So much has happened in the past 4 days. So incredibly much. I had the best weekend I've had well, in I do not know how long. And I'm not talking about just one day, but the entire 3 days! Ok, so here's a rundown on what's happened--just briefs for now.

And the biggest news is....ANIA AND I MADE UP! Yes, that's right. We talked some (not completely, but we went over that night and cleared up some things and noted things we have to work on), and also went out that same night and had so much fun. We went on a "rockstar" waltz of one of her sister's and were just taking random pictures with hot guys....had a pretend bet going on. There was one guy I spotted that I thought was cute and got his number and a drunk dial from him on Saturday night, lol.

So Friday, went to happy hour first at Potbelly's. The only problem there was that I wasn't really there with anybody. I hung out with Rachel, which was slightly awkward, but not too bad. Saw Michelle, the girl I wanted to go with but couldn't get in touch with there. Then I went on to happy hour/dinner at Andrew's with Meghan. That was a lot of fun.

Saturday: TOGA PARTY! It was Ania's friend's birthday. We went out that afternoon and got stuff for our outfits. Let me just say, I looked soooooo incredibly hot. I think hotter than I have ever looked. Well, it was one of the top times. I was wearing practically nothing! hahaha. Made out with a new guy...well, except he's not entirely new, just a friend of Ania's who I've hung out with before, but don't really know. And it's because he's good friends with Ania that he came home with us and I got to make out with him! I don't like him or anything, but it was fun anyways.

Sunday: The plan was for Ania to make breakfast and then for us all (me, Ania, Micah--that's him, and Matt) to go to the rez to lay out. Ended up taking forever to eat, and Ania and I just layed out by her apartment's pool for an hour instead. Post the pics on facebook from the toga party, and wait for the comments to come!

And guess who has said some things? Well, Micah said we were so hot. Then Jason (!) said hey, what's up, haven't talked to you in a while, hope you have a good weekend, ttyl. He was thinking about me! Or he saw the pics and was like, damn, what am I missing! Haha, so I don't know. At least he still wants to talk to me. I wasn't sure if he ever wanted to again. Not that I had any indication of that, just that is how it always seems to go with me. But maybe not this time. Maybe he wasn't sure if he should call...like remember when he didn't after that time? Said he felt like such a jerk so he just couldn't call? Maybe he didn't know. But I wrote him back today, tried to be cute again. But dumb me can't send it the first time I write it when it's right, so what I say the second time is slightly messed up. I said: hey! yeah i guess it's been a week, lol...but all ya gotta do is call ;) anyways, thanks for thinking of me and i hope you have a great day! Not bad...but I realized I meant to say "had to do" instead of "gotta do." Oh well. Maybe he won't notice. Just hope I didn't scare him away with that. But I thought it was sweet and cute...was it not?? Final comment so far: from Matt. Yes, that Matt. The one from that summer, who lives down the street. The one I secretly had a crush on forever. I wondered if I could possibly hear from him. His message was cute: holy crap, girl! I still remember the shy Mallory that would walk down my street...by the way, looking pretty hot.....Another one to smile about! Oh, the picture by the way is of me funneling beer in my sexy toga--actually, this was just a posed pic, one of those that are "so going on facebook!"

And that is pretty much it. Still in need of spring break plans. Time is running out and I don't know what to do. I'll probably freak out again tomorrow. I think I want to go out as well. Afterall, it is Mardi Gras. Wish me luck, please!

I know I am such a rollercoaster, aren't I?!

Heavily Broken

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken


I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken


nothing could more perfectly describe me right now

And now my mind is screaming out I've gotta keep on fighting, but then again it doesn't end

I try and I try and I try. I don't know what more I can do. I called three girls tonight. Couldn't get a hold of any of them. And now there's no one left to call. I just wanted to go to our social tonight. I thought about giving up. I was about to. But then I called one more person. I did, when I wasn't. I'm tired now, and I just want to go to sleep. But think about the choices you make, I said. You could choose to stay in and feel sorry for yourself. Or you could call this girl and go to the social and have a lot of fun. Remember regrets? How many of them I have? It all comes down to the decisions that you make. So I called. But I knew in the back of my head I wouldn't get an answer. I left a message, so maybe she'll call back soon when it's not too late. Because I don't want to wait too much longer. Because I'll just go to sleep instead. All the fun has been sucked out...when you have to keep calling people, or you have to wait on them to call you back...you just get discouraged and don't want to bother with it anymore. All the work takes out all the fun or the anticipation you have. I don't care about going out anymore tonight. I just want to go to sleep...let the day be over with only to start a new one wondering what you're going to do that night and if you'll have anyone to do anything with. Maybe my luck will change. By some miracle maybe I will get in touch with someone who's going out tomorrow night. I'm trying not to give up all hope. But it's getting very, very hard.

Thought you were something different...that's when it all just fell apart

I am missing out on so much. On Everything. I am watching my life pass me by. I wish I could say that I could look back and have no regrets, but I do. I have so many. And not all by choice. Like tonight...I just wanted to go out, have some fun. But like everytime I want to do this, it doesn't happen. I can't get in contact with anyone, or no one's going out, or I only have 1 person to call. Today, it's the first scenario. And tomorrow I'm going to see facebook pictures or wall posts of everyone's night out tonight and how they had so much fun. While I look on, jealous. Yes, I am jealous. Why? Because they all have friends. People who want to be around them. I have neither. This was supposed to be THE semester...the one that made up for all my missed opportunities of the past. Where I could really live it up. But I guess my expectations are just too high or unrealistic. I've barely been out this year. I will say that the last 3 times I have been out, I've had so much fun and it's been exactly what I've been wanting, but that's only 3 times out of 8. Yes, 8. I counted out everytime I went out. In 2 months. Not exactly what I had planned. But I also didn't plan on losing my so-called best friend, either. I just wish I was one of those girls. Those girls that I constantly see with friends. Always having something to do. Someone to do something with. Someone who wants to do something with them. And I'm not talking about being popular. It's not that. It's just people with friends. And they're everywhere. And I am sooo jealous that I do not have that. I want that so incredibly much. I've cried more than I ever should have this year. And I'm still crying. And hurting inside. It's more than just hurt. It's a pain. A longing for something more. Something much more. I'm trying. I'm honestly trying. I'm just apparently one of those people that's just destined to never have any friends. Two or three of them. That's all I want. It's the worst feeling in the world to feel like you're not wanted by anyone. That people don't think about you. They forget about you. They don't care about you. Where can I find someone who DOES care? Who DOES want to call me, without me having to always call them first? It's so hard when everyone already has their group of friends or their own best friend. How are you supposed to break through? If you want to know what lonely looks like, just look into my eyes and you'll see it.

I'm feeling lost when I'm in your arms

Shipwrecked: SO MUCH FUN!!! It was such as great night. But more about that later. Just wanted to say that. Oh, and the Veronicas...my favorite group of the moment. Can't stop listening to their cd. I'm tired!

Every little thing that you say or do

It's 3:30am and I'm WIDE AWAKE. Again for the millionth time this week. I'll be so happy once Saturday night arrives...because after that, maybe I'll actually be able to sleep through the night! Oh, I called Jason today. And there was absolutely nothing to worry about. The things that get into my heads sometimes and how I just freak myself out...crazy! Ok, maybe I should try and fall back to sleep. Gotta find an outfit tomorrow for the big day!

Let's get drunk, you can drive us to the harbor, wish upon a star but do you know what stars are?

Why am I listening to sad breakup/heartbreak music? I have no idea. I guess they're just songs I haven't listened to in a while...and I just decided to see what I had in that playlist I made a long time ago (last summer). Soooooo....I want Saturday to come soooooo bad! I can't even sleep! I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't fall back to sleep for at least 2 hours! Ummm not a good thing. I wrote on his wall today. I just wanted to write something cute just because. I said "ready to get shipwrecked? only 3 more days...get excited!" I'm such a dork, but I thought it was cute. I wanted to post it last night, but wasn't sure it was such a good idea, it being Valentine's Day...so with mom's advice, I waited until today. It literally took me forever to hit that "post" button. I was so nervous, wondering if I should even do that. Yeah, and I asked my mom if I should do it at all. She thought it was cute, but definitely to wait until today. I wonder if he's gonna say something back. I was going to call him and talk to him about what to wear, but I decided I'm going to wait until tomorrow, since I posted that thing today. Don't want to overwhelm him or think I'm wanting much more, or just plain don't want to scare him off. And god am I worried about that. More than I have ever been. Not because I like him more than any other guy--heck, I don't even know if I like-like him, I've just got a physical thing going right now--it's just that, I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, do something to make them go away just like that. Whether it's something I say or do, even if I do not even realize it, that's it. And goodbye--never to hear from them again. It's just sooooo hard. I hate how it's so complicated and this stupid game. Why I really didn't call him tonight? Because I chickened out. What if he doesn't want to go with me anymore? That would absolutely CRUSH me. I can see it happening though. I don't know why, but just because that's how everything goes with me. I'm really starting to psych myself out right now. Should I call him now????? That probably wouldn't be a good idea. But why not??? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This is SOOOOOOO stupid! It really is the longest week ever. I'm afraid I'll call him and he'll say he can't go with me anymore and make up some excuse when he just really doesn't want to go with ME. Why? Because it's me! What if he realizes I'm 2 1/2 years older than him, and he didn't know it before--because I haven't said anything, because I don't care. But what if he does and thinks it's too weird??? I am so scared now. I just want to have a good, fun night with a guy I want to go with. STOP THINKING THIS WAY!!! HE IS GOING WITH YOU AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT!!! I think it's too late to call tonight now...ok, so it's only 9:15pm, but who knows what he's doing? I think I'd feel weird calling so late. Maybe he doesn't even know I posted that comment yet. Would he even say anything back? Doubt it. I AM GOING INSANE. This is not fun. I don't want to call and get his voicemail. Because that won't do anything to ease the tension and uneasiness I'm feeling right now. And I'm not talking about calling tonight. But tomorrow. Got to strategically plan out when I'm going to call and what I'm going to say. What am I thinking??? He's not even expecting to hear from me until "later this week" like I told him when I talked to him on Saturday. DUH!! And he'd have to be the BIGGEST JERK in the world to cancel on me in the first place, and secondly, to not call and tell me but leave it until the last minute. Girl, get a grip. If he didn't want to go with you, he never would have said yes. Certainly not "I would love to go with you." But is that what he really said?? I can't remember very well...oh, but I wrote it on here, so he did. I wrote it down when it was fresh in my mind. Yes, I'm rambling. Partly because I have NOTHING to do tonight. Wasting time before I go to sleep. Trying to get myself tired and worn out so I will actually sleep. But with everything going through my head right now, I don't know how sleep will even be possible tonight. Calm has settled in for a second, my mind felt clear for an instant, forgetting all the madness I've been driving myself crazy with. Hmmmmm. Do I feel better now? A little. Got some frustration out. And suddenly it feels as if there's nothing left to say. I think that's a good thing, especially if I'm not talking about that. Thinking about that. But of course I am now because when you say you're not going to think about something, you really are thinking about it. But how can you not? You put the thought at the forefront of your mind. It's there in plain view, so it's hard to ignore. Whoa. If you've ever wanted to get inside my head, this has definitely been your chance. It's only 9:30. Too early to go to bed, yet, nothing to fill the time with. And I don't want to spend anymore time on facebook, because where do I go now instead of Adam's (which, by the way, since I talked about looking that last time, I haven't been back since, and never will, well, never say never, but not for a long time because I don't need to hurt myself like that, especially when I'm feeling so very vulnerable at the moment)?....lost my train of thought after that side remark...oh, yeah...I look at Jason's. One boy has been replaced by another. Not quite the level with Adam, which is a good thing. But still, I want to see if he's on or if he's changed anything or if anyone's said anything to him. Craziness. Just pure craziness. Ok, I think it's time to stop. But I don't want to. But I'm forcing myself. I may be back later. I think I somewhat distracted myself from the aforementioned (sp???) situation. But did I just bring it back up with that thought??? Hmmmmmm.....

Cause we've been too strong for too long

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. And once again, I do not have a valentine. But, as of right now, it's not really bothering me too much. I got what I wanted--a date for my date function, and that's enough for now. Not asking for anything more, for fear I will blow another chance again. I'm just anxiously counting down the days until Saturday. Oh how I can't wait for the weekend! Just praying nothing goes wrong...

Every time we touch, I get this feeling...

I HAVE A DATE FOR SHIPWRECKED!!! YAY! I'M SOOOOO HAPPY :) And the lucky guy is....Jason! He said yes! I called him today because I just couldn't take it anymore...I needed to know if he would go with me or not, otherwise I'd have to find another date. So I did just that. Except, he didn't answer, so I had to leave a message. I asked him on the message. I didn't want to, but I didn't want him to think I was calling to ask him out tonight. It's a very delicate situation. I didn't want to blow it this time, because every time I try and talk to a guy again after I see him, I do something to drive him away. Anyways, I was going crazy waiting. I didn't know if he got my message. I didn't know if he just didn't pick up because he didn't want to talk to me. Or he might not have wanted to go, and just wasn't going to call me back. I had no clue! So a few hours pass (almost 3!), and he finally calls. Says he got my message, "and would love to go" with me!. It was so sweet the way he said it. I think I may have said "you will?" and I know I said something like, "oh yay!" I'm a dork, I know. But I'm soooo excited, and I think he is too. I told him the theme was Gilligan's Island-ish, and he was like cool! Yeah, so this definitely made my night. But the bad news is, I'm not feeling so great right now and am praying I'm not getting sick. Please, no! So it's time for some rest and sleep. Goodnight!