So since you want me, you'll have to follow through with every word you say

My theme song for guys from now on is stated above. When I heard that on the radio I was like, it's written just for me!! Not really, but I thought how it fit my attitude about guys at the current moment. I knew after that night he'd end up like all the other ones--he'd be like them all. But whatever. I don't want someone who doesn't want to call me or spend time with with or who isn't absolutely crazy about me! And I'm going to be selfish from now on when it comes to this, because I always give everything I have to the guy, and for what? Absolutely nothing but disrespect and hurt in return. So not worth it. It's been a lazy, lazy day. It started out pretty productive, but then the headache came on, and then I just didn't feel like studying! I've got senioritis so bad! And I don't think there's anyone who would disapprove of me not studying so much...There's definitely a lot to do, and not much time left, so that's why I'm gonna make the most of it and study as little as possible to still keep my sanity while leaving plenty of time for fun! Alrighty, time now to try and go be productive for at least a half hour before I go to sleep...yeah, like that's gonna happen...

I'M SO HAPPY...I CAN STILL FIT INTO MY FAVORITE JEANS FROM LAST YEAR!!! I tried them on a month or two ago and they didn't fit, so I got really discouraged and upset that I had gained so much weight. Well, I guess I really haven't gained very much after all, which is good news. Now maybe I can feel better about myself and not worry about it so much. I've just gotta get back into consistently working out and I'm good, because my eating habits haven't changed from how they've been for the past 2 years. Now, if only I can get well and stay well, I'll be just great!!

The innocent can never last

It's cold outside, and all I wanna do is just cuddle up in my bed and watch my tv shows from this week! It's been another day where I should have been productive, well where I've tried to be productive, but a stupid painful headache has gotten the best of me each time. Did I mention how I hate being sick? This weather is just absolutely gorgeous, though. It just reinforces why I love this time of year so much...the dry, cooler air, the leaves falling from the trees, pumpkins! This weekend has been a recovery weekend for me--one to get well. Which hopefully will work. I don't know what I should be for Halloween. I'm pretty sure I'll be going out on Monday (Ania won't have me staying in, lol!), and hopefully Ania will want to, because I've never been out for Halloween before. Heck, I can't even remember the last time I did anything for Halloween. The last time I went trick-or-treating was when I was in 8th grade. Not that I'll be doing that...I always wish that I had done so much more when this time comes; it just goes by so fast. I'll have to wait for next year, though. I want to have a Christmas party after finals week. So we can all relax and let loose and have fun. It'll be a fancy affair, so everyone will have to dress up in pretty party dresses and stuff (always wanted to do that!). Sounds like a plan. And yes! We get an hour back tonight! No more daylight savings time! Woo-hoo! I definitely need that extra hour, although after tomorrow, it won't make any more of a difference! But that's okay...I feel like eating a little snack and getting in bed...so tired and feel another headache coming on :(

Oh, and boys suck.

A little piece of heaven turns to dark

I don't want to study...wasting time so I don't have to. I'm feeling creative. I want to make something. Too bad I really need to study because I'm behind in a couple of my classes from missing a day. I have a research paper to write. Two, actually. One is due in 2 weeks. Need to get on that. There's a big macro test next week. And a test the week after that, plus a huge book to read. And did I mention I'm sick? Not just physically, but so sick of school itself?? I'm trying to make the easiest possible schedule for next semester. No more requirements to fulfill. Just 10 hours of electives. I wanted to take a photography class, but no, you have to be an art major. Which sucks because I got really excited about it because I love taking pictures. I want a new digital camera. And a really good film camera. I can use my parents' old one if I want. Pictures, pictures, pictures. I'm obsessed. And I'm just rambling on about nothing because I don't want to study. No studying. No studying. I'm sick of studying. But I guess it's time to study now.

You've built a love, but that love falls apart

When will I ever not be sick?? I have not been well since June. Having mono really did a number on my immune system, because I keep catching every cold/infection known to man. Seriously, there has not been a time at all this semester where I was well. And this week has been no different. I hate it so much. And to top it off, I found another guy who doesn't want to be my boyfriend or have anything to do with me. It seemed really promising; except now I realize that it's not going to go any further. It was so different this time. I actually haven't done anything but makeout with this guy. Which I'm so proud of, because it's a huge change from before, where I'd jump in way too soon. It's just so disappointing. How can it not have something to do with me??? It happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. This guy wasn't exactly a Skip or Chris or Adam...so far from it. He was actually the type of guy that I used to always go for. Not the one I had to prove to myself that I could get. When we went out, things were soooo good. Ania painted his wall at his place on Monday...couldn't really tell anything from him. But then last night, when we went back to work on it, I just did not feel a vibe at all. I don't know if it's because he had his friends around, or what. Ania at first was like, he's so cute, but then she started having reservations, like he doesn't call. He called me once. On my birthday Saturday to wish me happy birthday because I must have mentioned it a million types when I met him on Wednesday. We ended up going to a party and I stayed over at his place and just falling asleep in his arms was so amazing. I haven't called him; I have text messaged him to say hi, and wrote a little message on his facebook wall, but that's it. It's not like any of the other guys ever actually called me. I was the one always calling them. I don't know. Something tells me to just give up, not to bother or worry about it. But when is it going to happen??? I'm so sick of it. Where the hell are you supposed to find them? I know there are guys that will become involved with a girl when they find someone they like; it just so happens that I'm the one they will never like. It doesn't help that I HATE my body right now. Being sick has done a number to my body image and self esteem. I don't want to feel depressed and sad. I just want to get better. NOW.

Lately I've been thinking, lately I've been dreaming with you

So much has happened this past week...I am now 22 years old, which is really strange to think about. 22. That's so old! I had one of the best birthdays that I have ever had, though. You know what I always used to wish for when I'd blow out my candles? To be happy. And finally, for once, I didn't have to wish for that, because I already am. Wednesday night I went to a Phi Sig day glo party and met this guy named Sebastian...he's sooo cute and such a nice guy. I had one of the best nights that I'd had in such a long time. It was great because all we did was kiss and cuddle...absolutely amazing!!! But unfortunately for Ania, things didn't turn out so well...she ended up having alcohol poisoning and I had to take her to the emergency room and take care of her on Thursday. Luckily, she is alright. I'm so nervous! I just sent a text message to Sebastian...I hope he doesn't get the wrong impression...I really think things could work out this time. We hung out with him and a couple of his brothers last night and went to a party. I had a GREAT time with him. He would keep saying how we just connected and he would hold my hand and it was just so much fun. I went back to his place and spent the night, just kissing and cuddling and sleeping, which is all he wanted to do in the first place! He's kind of a surfer type boy, he's 2 years younger, but who cares?? He thinks I am so beautiful and sexy and amazing. AHHHHH!!!!! I really could see myself in a relationship with him. Hopefully he wants the same thing. He's so funny, too, in a silly kind of way, but he kept making me laugh all night. So sweet! I'm in love...not really, but I've definitely got a crush!! And Friday night...what can I say? I can't remember half the night, lol! Definitely so much fun. We went to AJ's, where there was like no one out because of FAMU homecoming, but I still had a good time. Obviously had a little too much to drink, and apparently was very sick the rest of the night. The last thing I remember doing was taking a shot upstairs with a really super hot guy (who happened to know Skip and his friends). And then it's completely dark after that point. Never got a chance to go into the fountain...was going to last night, but it didn't happen...went and made out instead, so it was ok!!

Intoxicate me now, with your loving now, I think I'm ready now

My brain is fried. No more studying or homework for me tonight. I'm about to go to bed in fact. I love working out. It always makes me feel so much better about myself. I just need to get back to the level of where I used to be, and I'm on my way, because I had a workout today that was like I used to do pretty much everyday...so hopefully that will solve my issues that I'm having with my body right now. Ok, so I have no idea what is up with myspace right now, and why I am getting all these weird friend requests from people I don't know...all of a sudden, in the past 3 days, I've gott probably at least 30 requests. Yes, it's ridiculous, and creepy! I have no idea where they're coming from, or how these people found me, because I'm definitely not connected to them through friends...it might be time to get off that site soon...well, maybe, haha...Guess who I HAVEN'T heard from?? Skip. But whatever, who needs him?? I certainly don't!! I haven't heard from the other two losers either, thank goodness! 4 more days...(sorry I'm obsessed!!)

It's just another manic monday...I wish it were sunday...

When did I become so insecure about my body? I don't know, but I'm more insure about it than I have ever been I feel, or at least in a long, long time. Why do I feel this way? There's nothing wrong with the way I look. But if it wasn't for that stupid mono that screwed everything up, I don't think I'd be feeling this way. I hate it so much. I just want to get back to normal. I have a major midterm on Wednesday. All essay. It's really going to suck, but the studying for it is even worse. I hate studying so much. But I don't have to make an A--what he's looking for is an impossibly high standard for only 50 minutes, having to write 3 short answers plus a full-length essay. Whatever. I'll just put down whatever I know, and if it isn't good enough for him, well too bad. Because I don't really care. They're just grades, and this is my last year. What good are grades going to matter out in the real world? I don't plan on going to grad school any time soon--I just can't handle any more school. I need to get out in the world and get some experience working. Not yet, though. But after this year. That's why I'm trying to make this a fun year, since I wasted the past 2 1/2 being miserable...

Let's go back, back to the beginning...

So I'm finding it very, very hard to concentrate and study these days. Could it be because I'm starting not to care so much? Possibly. Senioritis? A little bit. I don't know what it is, but you could NEVER get me to sit down and study like I used to, just a year ago even it. Not gonna happen! That's good and bad in its own ways. Good in that I'm not spending my life studying like a maniac for no reason anymore, but bad in that I still need to study. But whatever, I've been studying enough for this test tomorrow since last week, doing a little almost everyday. I'll do however I do. I cried at the end of Smallville tonight. Yeah, I'm a huge dork, and it wasn't exactly something that would make you cry, but I did. Clark and Lana were finally going to have sex with each other, and just the way they alluded up to it was just everything that I wish I had. I really can't distinguish whether I regret it or not anymore. Sometimes I really still wished I'd waited. Then at others, I was living in the moment, and at the time it was right. The whole time I was watching it, I thought of Skip. Why? Because he's the one who I've been the most intimate with, going beyond actual sex. That last time...the connection I felt was just too strong, too much to handle. I wasn't supposed to feel that way in that situation. But there's nothing I could--or still can--do to change his mind. Nor is it worth my time or energy to keep trying. I haven't heard from him in I guess 2 weeks now--not since I saw him at AJ's 2 Friday's ago. And he hasn't called me, so I'm definitely not going to bother. I've actually been doing quite well, and I've adjusted much better than I have with any other guy. Or have I really? Am I just pretending? No, I don't think I am. Yes, I put so much of myself into him, and he brought out a side of me I never knew I had, but I honestly am ok. What happened, happened. And all I can do is savor the memories. I'm not going to let this one get me down. I don't need him, nor do I need any other guy to get by. I'm doing just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch. I won't be by myself forever, despite what it may feel like. I'm just not going to put up with this kind of crap I have been putting up with from guys. I'll find someone who will treat me like the princess I am!

There's no easy way to say goodbye, so baby just say goodnight

Do you know what Adam said to me on Saturday night when he came over (besides begging me for sex)? He said I was getting FAT. Yes, me getting fat. In no way, shape or form do I think, or feel, or look, like I'm "getting fat." He's joked about it before (like when I saw him before school got out and during the summer), and I've always brushed it off like nothing. I still am, but it's really bothering me, not because I care what he thinks (or any guy for that matter), but because I'm still not totally happy with my body again. I mean, I weighed give or take a hundred pounds when I first met him; I'd run 5 miles a day for heaven's sake! And honestly, I loved the way I looked and felt, and I don't think I looked unhealthy, but I realize that I was soooo thin at some points, which isn't very healthy. It wasn't an unhealthy thin, because I'd workout and do cardio for about 45 minutes EVERY day, and I ate plenty (of healthy stuff). But as I look back on it and compare myself now, I realize that I needed to gain some weight, because I was just too small. And I've been sick for the past 3 months and haven't been able to workout like I used to. I'm just now really getting back into it. And yeah, it's taking some getting used to to accept my body as it is now (a mere 5 pounds gained probably--but I still don't like it), but I now I'll be back where I want to be soon. I won't get to the size I was for like 2 years, but that's ok, I don't want that. I just want my muscle back that I lost over these past few months. I can't believe he had the nerve to say that to me. He was just joking, but still. WHAT A JERK!!!!!! What kind of guy even jokes like that with a girl??? Right now, he just makes me so sick and so mad. What was I thinking Saturday when I let him come over. I must have been on drugs or something. No, it was all me. Unfortunately. I really don't want anything to do with him anymore. There was definitely a reason for that night to happen, because in the back of my mind, there was always this little thought that kept saying, just maybe...I'd say he wasn't a bad guy...I knew the way he acted and treated me made him a jerk, but I don't think I ever really believed it. I had to find out once and for all, so that voice could go away. And it has. Today was my second day (in a row) of not taking a nap!

Say it ain't so

Dear Adam,

What in the hell was I thinking last night, inviting you over at 2:30am?? Not that it was my idea; you were the one who called me, completely out of the blue. Actually, I had this feeling that you might happen to call; afterall, you did post a comment on my wall, something you've never done before. It had some purpose apparently. I knew from the moment I saw your number on my phone (I recognized the area code, because I deleted, yes DELETED, your number from my phone last week), EXACTLY what you wanted. There's only one reason for 2 am phone calls, and it's not just to say hi. I can't believe that you said you wouldn't leave this time. Like I was going to have sex with you. Again. Right. After the biggest mistake that I made last time. And it's incredibly presumptuous to think that I'd sleep with you after not hearing from you or seeing you in over what, 3 months? Save a facebook message you never responded back to (go figure) and a brief sighting at a football game. Do you realize how PATHETIC you sounded last night? You were begging me, BEGGING me, to have sex with you. Let's try it again you kept saying. You wanted to make it right this time, since it was quite a disaster the first. But why would I want to? So I could hate myself again? So I could never hear from you again? That's all it would be, and you know it. You haven't changed; nor have your motives. That wouldn't be it, you said. Sure. Like I can believe you after you've done nothing but prove the complete opposite everytime. We want different things. I put it behind me and moved on. But I guess I keep going back when the opportunity presents itself. Except for this time. I said I wasn't going to sleep with you, and I didn't. I'm so proud that I didn't give in this time. I can't do the casual thing. I've tried, but it doesn't work. Sex is NOT meaningless to me. For a while, I tried to make it so, but that's not me. I was pretending to be something I wasn't, and doing it for all the wrong reasons with all the WRONG guys. What happened to the days when we could just make out, and that was it? Am I just kidding myself that there was actually a time? Well, there was at least for me, when I had absolutely no problem saying no. But unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I just don't understand why you thought I'd be so easy (we did it once, so that means I'm going to again? I thought I made myself clear when I told you I regreted it). And you made yourself perfectly clear when you told me you didn't want to be in a relationship with me, because you think we don't have anything in common. And that's fine if that's what you want, but it's not what I want at all. And it's about time I start putting what I WANT first. I want someone who wants to spend time with me, who wants to call me, who will get to know me before rushing into anything. Ania came up with the best analogy one time: It's like starting a movie and fast-forwarding straight to the end. What about the beginning, and especially the middle? Would you start watching a movie from the end? Maybe, but you'd be missing the best parts. And sex isn't it; that's the icing on the cake. At least that's how I've always viewed it; although that view has become obscured in the past few months. But it doesn't mean I can't go back to that. Because I'm not settling for anything less anymore. No more guys who want to see me for only sex. I'm done with it. It's gotten me no where, and done nothing but make my life miserable. Sure it's great in the moment, but I want more. I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. With guys, it's all about instant gratification; and you're no different from any other guy I've come across. That's why I couldn't believe a word you said last night. And why I actually scoffed at your remark about that it wouldn't be it. Sure Adam. I wasn't going to wait around for history to repeat itself. I can't do that to myself again. You showed me what you were all about last night, not that I didn't know it already. If you ever want to hang out during the day, go to lunch, whatever, give me a call. But until then, don't even bother if you've got other ideas, because it's NOT going to happen again with us. I won't let it.