Just hold on, hold on to me

I never ask for much. All I want is for someone to care. To show me that they care. I guess I just pick the wrong people. I didn't care about doing anything for New Year's. It's not about what I'd do--it was more about who I wanted to be with. And I won't be with that person. I'm sad. I am, and I don't care if mom gets mad at me for feeling like this. Of course it's a big deal to me. I don't have any fucking friends. Here I was, thinking that maybe I'd have a new year's kiss for once. But he doesn't realize that it isn't about what the plans are--it's just that I wanted to see him. To spend time with him. The stupid break had to pull us apart. Thought it might have been a good thing. But it's just complete torture. I fall for him more and more everytime I talk to him. He's all I think about. And it doesn't matter if I go somewhere else. All I'd be doing is thinking about him, and how I wish I was with him. I hate my life. I'm going no where. I don't have anything to look forward to. I'm stuck. Stuck in this horrible place that I can't get out of because I don't know where to go to change it. I've wasted two whole days doing absolutely nothing. Not because I wanted to, and not because I could. But because I had absolutely NOTHING to do. I have no cause, no purpose, no passion. I hate it when people ask me what I like to do, or what I do in my spare time, because I don't have a fucking clue. I don't do ANYTHING. I go to work, go to the gym, come home, get back on the fucking computer where I've been all day, or watch tv. Boring. God I don't even know why or how he's still wanting to talk to me or to see me. He's said how he loses interest so easily. I wonder how in the hell I'm keeping him interested. Because I'm so incredibly boring. I am. I really, really am. No wonder why I don't have any friends. And no one ever wants to be around me. I hate myself. And everything about me. I'm so alone.

Won't you do this for me now?

I'm scared. And I know I shouldn't be. I really have no reason at all to be at this point. But I feel like it is all going to end before it ever really got a chance to start. I hate feeling like this--so insecure. He likes me. He tells me he likes me. He wants to see me. And he plans on seeing me when he gets back. He calls me and wants to talk to me. He thinks about me, and lets me know that he does. So why is it so hard for me to just let myself trust him? I want to. And I do, well, sort of. I feel like all the guys in the past are really affecting me when it comes to him. I actually have someone that likes me, and I like him back. But I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified that he's going to suddenly change his mind, suddenly going to just stop talking to me, like everyone else. But I know he's not like everyone else. I want to believe that. But I'm so hesitant at this point. Maybe a major part of this is because we just got started and then the break came. I probably wouldn't be feeling so insecure had we not had to be separated like this. I mean, he's made it clear that he likes me and that he plans to pick up right where we left off when he gets back. And just last week, he asked me if I talked to other guys when I went out. We're not seeing other people. But I still feel like he's going to leave me, and it's a horrible feeling to have. One that I'm sure is completely unwarranted. I sometimes think that it's just too good to be true. Especially for me. Like, there's no way he actually wants to keep talking to me or see me again. I guess that has more to do with my own insecurities than anything else. I don't believe in myself enough to think that someone else could. I haven't heard from him in a couple of days. It's not a big deal, except I need to know if he still wants me to come down for New Year's Eve. I sent him a text message yesterday asking him that, since I couldn't get in touch with him by phone, and I didn't want to call him a million times. That's another thing about him--he wants me to call him anytime I want. I was so worried about that, whether or not I should call because I didn't know if it'd be too much or I'd call him one too many times and turn him off, or look like I was coming on too strong. So that eased that worry when he said it was ok to call him as much as I wanted. But still, I don't want to be blowing up his phone! I really hope he calls me today, because I don't want to have to call him. Again. And look like I'm being annoying because I need an answer. I hate waiting for phone calls. Once again, my phone is attached to me, and I find myself waiting...

You must not know about me

I'm in one of those places that I keep getting into. I haven't felt like this in a while. Or rather, I haven't felt nothing in a while. I'm just kinda, here. Not sure what to feel. Or what I should be feeling. Or what I want to feel. I don't want to be sad--i'd rather be happy--but at least it'd be better than this. Maybe I'm just content. But I don't feel completely satisfied, either. I want to be feeling like I should be out somewhere, but I just don't care. It takes so much effort sometimes. After feeling so much at the beginning of the week, it's just dissipated into nothing. A numbness of some sort. I want to be somewhere else, but yet, I don't. I feel like I'm just living day-to-day. Not much to look forward to. Always doing the same exact thing. But yet, when I have the chance to spice it up a bit, I hesitate. Because I like the routine. I like the comfort of knowing what's ahead. It's hard. I want so much more, but I don't know what I want. It's frustrating. I don't have a plan. I don't know where I'm going. Except, I keep moving forward. But I can't see where it's taking me. I hope it's somewhere better than this place I'm in right now.