Yo, excuse me miss...

So tonight I might have gone on the last walk I will ever go on with Lucy. It could also be the last time I see her alive. Mom says she only has a couple of days left. I don't know why she thinks that--I didn't ask for her to explain. I just accepted it. Well, not really. I guess she's been acting a little strange the past few days, like not wanting to come home from her walk, and she stayed outside practically all day today (but I was out in the sun, and the cats were outside, too so that may have been a big factor). And she was extremely eager to go on a walk tonight. I haven't seen her so excited to go on one in a very long time--and it was all her, Mom didn't really want to take her on one, but of course we couldn't disappoint her. It just doesn't seem real. I guess I've pretty much put it in the back of my head to deal with it. Like, I know she's dying, and it could happen anytime, but she's still fine. Maybe I'm in denial a little bit. But it's too weird now with Mom saying she only has a few days left. Why is that the case? Her legs have been bothering her a little more, but she's still ok. She's not hurting, but I think she's starting to sense that something's not right with her. Mom said to say goodbye to her today when I left as if it were really goodbye. I tried, but I didn't want to cry or get upset. I don't know if it was good enough. I just made it a normal, but slightly longer bye than usual. I've been doing that anyways, but....it's getting too hard for me to write about this. I don't have a good feeling about this week right now. Everytime my mom calls me, I just hope, I just hope it's not to say she's gone. Not yet. Please.

Kisses don't lie

I've been sick in bed for the past three days. I've felt like I've been practically dying I've been so miserable. But my weekend was worth all of it! My cousin got married in South Carolina last weekend, and boy did I ever have some fun, lol...let's just say there were two boys...one friday (and yes is the answer to what you may be thinking)...and then one late saturday night (and no, not technically...). Both incredibly good looking guys. Both friends of my cousin! I was seriously the slut at the wedding, lol! I'll be honest...I went a little wild. I didn't come back to my room either night, and on Saturday night, I only got 2 hours of sleep! It's definitely a weekend I will remember. Just wanted to write a little something...now it's time for some more sleep so hopefully I'll be feeling much much better tomorrow.

baby i'm back here

I'm still alive...life's just been so crazy lately...not to mention I've done something crazy that caused me to go the ER on Saturday morning...I'm perfectly ok, and I probably didn't actually need to go, but it was just to be on the safe side. So, I took half of an adderall so I could drink all evening and night on St. Patrick's Day. I definitely accomplished my goal, but I had a few minor complications that next morning (heart beating very fast, very hot, short of breath). This guy I met stayed over with me (nothing happened, didn't want anything to...why I let him even come over I have no idea...now he's obsessed with me...would be absolutely perfect, except I'm not at all attracted to him--it was just a drunk, more like wasted, thing) and he took care of me, which was really sweet. But, I have no interest in him whatsoever. He doesn't even live in town. He called me today, but I missed his call (not on purpose, my phone was on silent and I was extremely busy today). I feel like I should call him back, but I really don't want to. He didn't leave a message. I feel bad. But he'll get over it. I kissed Micah again on Friday...two guys in one night. Have NO idea how that happened...we were all standing around and I had my camera out, and the next thing I know we're kissing and taking a picture of us while we're kissing. I don't like him, either. More of the idea that he likes me. I don't like anyone right now. I'm definitely attracted to Jason, and we're still in touch. I should see him tomorrow night at out crush...I invited him and he said he "def. wanted to go to that." I would definitely like to dance and kiss that boy again...long day number one down, long day number two ahead...

Now it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you

So it's back to the usual tomorrow. Not that since I've gotten back from Orlando things have been unusual. Spring break was well....fun Friday through Tuesday...then sad and fairly boring the rest of the time. Nothing ever goes as planned. Or wished, for that matter. I have 1 1/2 months left. And that's it. Things are really about to pick up, starting with this week. And I'm not just talking activities-wise, but school-wise as well. Time to start putting some time into some school things I have to take care of (one FINAL paper, a dance routine, a test). Blah. But then there's the activities...some planned, some yet to be realized. I am really nervous. I have a bad feeling about things. I feel like these last few weeks are going to take so much effort, and will end up being like how everything's been. I just want to enjoy what time I have left in college, but I don't think that's going to happen. I have no friends who want to do the things I want to do still (i.e. going out and drinking and meeting guys). That's all I want to do right now. I don't care how shallow it sounds, but when else am I ever going to get to do this again??? NEVER. I see my weekend already: sitting at home, depressed, because I can't find anyone to go out with. I don't want that to be the case, but I can't help thinking about it. St. Patrick's Day is Friday. And I remember last year how I wanted to do something, but didn't because I had no one. It's funny how far I've come, yet I remain in the same position as I was in at this exact point in time last year. Ready to have lots of fun and going out, but lacking friends to do things with. I just don't want to miss anymore opportunities. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to regret not having done something that I wanted to do. But it's not going to be easy, because I know the odds are against me and are going to fight me every step of the way.

I'm heavily broken and I don't know what to do

It's so hard to go home. Or even just to think about it. I cried myself to sleep last night. I just had a memory, and then it led to another and then another...before I knew it I couldn't stop crying and feeling sad. My mom is taking it really hard. I don't blame her. Lucy's her baby. She is the one who spends the most time with her since she's home all the time. It really hurts. And it hurts so much to see my mom upset. We are all upset. I haven't let anyone see that I'm upset yet. I've tried to not cry in front of anyone. But of course, that won't last long because that's not how I am. I can't hold things in when I'm upset. I knew this day would come. I've even thought about it in the past as I've realized how old Lucy's gotten. But I don't want it to be real. I don't want it to be now, and not like this. I think I'd rather not know. Even though the shock of it would be incredibly hard to handle, I think if it was unknown and she got really sick or just passed away in her sleep it would have been better. So we don't have to keep thinking about how she's not going to be here and how this is the last time for everything with her. The things you take for granted. The saddest day is going to be when she's no longer there to greet us at home. To bark at the doorbell ringing. To go on her morning walk. I could go on and on. She means so much to all of us, to me. Our lives just wouldn't have been the same without her. She's brought us more joy and happiness than is describable. It's so hard to say goodbye. Because I don't want to say goodbye. She's more than just a dog. She's a friend, a companion, our 6th member of the family. Actually, she's more like the center of our family. She really is just like another human. I don't want to see her suffer. To see her slowly deteriorate. We won't let her suffer too much. When she can no longer breathe comfortably, we will put her down. Mom wishes she will just pass away in her sleep. But I don't know what will happen, or when it will happen. I don't know if my parents know a timeframe or not, because they didn't tell us. I wonder if they do know and just don't want us to know because it's not long. I don't think it is long at all. I give her a month, if that. I mean, other than the cancer, she's perfectly healthy. She's having minimal complications so far, which is how we found out. But the thing with cancer is it can progress so fast, and it's already spread throughout other parts of her body. There's nothing we can do for her except make her last days as enjoyable as we can. And luckily she doesn't know she's sick. But at some point, I think she will know. I've never been in a situation like this, at least that I can remember and comprehend. My grandpa died of cancer, but I was only 7 years old. My first dog, Princess, had cancer as well, but it was sudden and I was still young at 10 years old. The dog we got after Princess, Teddy Bear, died unexpectedly not even a year after we got him from a heart attack. And that's what led us to Lucy. Lucy is the dog that I've really grown up with. I loved the other two just as much, but with Lucy it's different because of my age. I remember everything, and did so much more with her. I just can't imagine life without her. It has been different ever since I went away to college, but I got my summers with her when I was back from UCF. And she's part of the reason I came back. Because I missed my family. And Lucy is a huge part of our family--that's actually an understatement. I missed Lucy and my cat Frosty. And this is where taking things for granted has come in. I feel like in the past few months there were times I could have gone home and seen her, but didn't. But there's no sense in feeling guilty. I can't change anything. All I can do is make the most of the time we have left with her. Which is why I will probably go home more often. And even when I really don't want to, I know I will feel guilty if I don't, because it could be the last time I see her alive. I know she knows we all love her with all of our hearts. She's had the greatest life a dog could ever have had with us. She was spoiled rotten. But yet, she remained the sweetest, most loving dog I have ever met. She wouldn't hurt a fly, literally. I don't think I could be there if we have to put her to sleep. We won't take her to the vet--my parents have arranged it so that her doctor will come to our house so she won't get scared (she hated going to the vet). But I remember being there with my cat Milo, and how it was so hard to see her lifeless body lying there, watching the life slip away from her. It was hard enough then, and I definitely don't think I could be there with Lucy. But at the same time I want to be there. I just don't want this day to come. But in the meantime, all we can do is just let her be Lucy and live like she normally does, only savoring every bark she cries, every look she gives you, and just being in her presence. Because soon, they'll all just be memories. Forever.

Lucy has cancer. And it's spread. We won't have her much longer.