These hearts they race from self control

I want to clear something up about what I said last night. I'm not upset about the date. Disappointed, yes. But did I cry about it? No. And I won't. I'm proud of myself for going out with him. Because normally, I know I wouldn't have--especially with a younger guy. But I'm really scared. I am starting to like him. He is seriously one of the nicest guys I have ever met. He's thinking about driving all the way home to Miami this weekend just to cheer up his mom by surprising her with his visit. Now that is so incredibly sweet. I don't not want to see him again, because I really like being around him. And maybe it was a good thing that we didn't kiss last night, so what we have isn't just merely physical. I think he was nervous. I know I was. I'm just so afraid I'm going to fall for him, and then he'll leave. One thing that I like about him is that I feel like there's no pressure--and I don't think that there will be, if the past nights I spent with him (especially Saturday) are any indication. Which is so freeing, because with Adam and the guy from Gainesville and Friday night, well, they wanted more. And I was not (and still am not) willing to go any further than kissing. I want to fall in love first. Because it's something special to me, not something I can just give up to anyone. I was so making eye contact with this guy in my last class today...I never really noticed him before, but he's pretty cute, and I'd just kinda glance in his direction every now and then...I'm not sure if he caught on or not, but he definitely was looking at me, too. Not going exclusive with Andrew, but I want to continue seeing him. I'm keeping my options open for other guys, too. Because I don't know if it'll work out, and I don't want to become too invested. I think it's too late for that, though. Why does this have to happen??? If only he were staying this summer...it'd be so perfect. But nothing's perfect, which is why it won't work out in the end. But I'll try and have my fun while I can, without letting myself fall too hard. No promises though.

Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep

So, I'm back from my date. I know, it's early. We went to see a movie--Ms. Congeniality 2. Please do not go see it if you haven't. It's not worth it. The date went well, but nothing special happened. I kept hinting for him to hold my hand in the theater, but he never did. And I couldn't read him to decide to do it myself. I wanted to, but I was so unsure. I like him--he's a really nice guy. And so incredibly cute. But I don't think it's gonna work out. I'm feeling disappointed right now. I want it so bad. To had what I had again. But he won't be here this summer. It has nothing to do with his age--I forgot about that tonight. He's from Miami, and I'm sure he isn't interested in any type of relationship--and there's no way I could do a long distance relationship. I think he'll call me again, and if he does, I'd still like to hang out with him, but I'm not going to devote myself exclusively to him. I'm going to move on...I'm also afraid if I stay, I will end up liking him and getting hurt again. And I don't want that. I don't want to hurt again. I want to find someone. I'm going to keep going out. But those kisses...they were so incredible. The way I felt--it was so amazing. That's why I can't let anything go much further, because I've already gone way too far. I just can't get my hopes up, because I always come crashing down. Everytime.

Safe from those stupid questions, hey did you get some? man, that is so dumb

Apparently I kinda look like Gwenyth Paltrow. And the Olsen twins. Go figure. Some guy on myspace messaged me saying that I look like Gwenyth, and the girl at the eye doctor thought I looked like one of the Olsen twins. I don't think I look like either. Not that it's not a huge compliment or anything, because they're all very pretty. I just don't see it. That's not the first time someone has said I look like Gwenyth--I've gotten that before. I called Andrew a little while ago to see if he wanted to hang out and watch a movie or something tonight if he wasn't busy. I had to leave a message because he didn't answer. I hate leaving messages. Well, sometimes. Not in cases like these though, because I don't have a very good track record asking guys out. --He just called back-- He can't do anything tonight because he's got something going on with his fraternity, but we're gonna go out tomorrow night to see a movie or something. :) I think that'll work out better anyways, because I'm really tired and my throat is killing me. I think it's from all the pollen in the air. That's one of the things I don't like about spring. I was going to go out with Ania, but she hasn't slept in 3 days...she's got a new guy, too...The only thing is I think I look so pretty tonight! But, hopefully I'll look good tomorrow, too. I'm excited!!! So he's definitely interested...I think he might be a little intimidated (that's what Ania thinks) because I'm older and he might not want to seem like some over eager freshman. But, I don't think I'm intimidating. Am I? Yeah, I can see how the age thing could be somewhat intimidating, but other than being a girl...I mean, we've big-time made out with each other....But it's different when you're sober I suppose. I'm so nervous! I think I might like him. I want to see him. I want to kiss him (I don't think there will be a problem there!!!). I must say though, that Adam really taught me well, because I no longer feel like I have a problem. I think I like the way Andrew kisses me better. Not as aggressive, and I can follow better. Actually, I've been more of the leader...Is it strange to go out with a guy 2-3 years younger? I mean, I know the reverse happens all the time--and it's perfectly (well, in most cases) socially acceptable. It's not like this is a Demi-Ashton situation by any means though. It's not that big of a deal...just gotta get used to the idea. Actually, I think I've gone out with more younger guys than older (prom dates were all younger...). And I think I'd prefer younger to older with my level of experience. I'd just like to get to know him, and then I think I'll be a better judge--if his maturity level is way too low, then I don't think it'll work. But we'll see. I've learned some important lessons from my experience with Adam, and am going to try and do some things differently. Definitely going to take things slower, and not rush into it...and I want to find out what exactly he's looking for--a girlfriend, just someone to date, or a relationship. Because if he's not wanting to committ to at least having a girlfriend, then I don't want to waste my time and energy and end up falling for someone who will just leave me again. But, I won't come right out with that...I'll see how things go for a little while. No gifts (even though I gave it to make him happy and because he had liked it so much). Unless I know for sure it wouldn't do anything. Other than that, I don't really know what else I did wrong. I dedicated a lot of my time, and apparently my efforts were only in vain. But that doesn't mean this guy will be like that. Because they're 2 completely different people from what I've seen so far. And that's a huge plus. (No Republican this time--no offense to anyone, but I think that might have been part of it--too different of views). Tomorrow is going to take forever to get here! But I need to use my time wisely to read some of a huge book that I have to have read by the beginning of next week. It feels good writing like this again, since it's been a while.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me, so I die happy

I am sooooo incredibly tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. I need sleep so bad. Yet, here I am writing this. I haven't written anything in a while. I haven't had much time. Been really busy this weekend. Anyways, so much to tell...don't even know where to begin. I'll start with Friday. So I did end up hanging out with Blake that night. Went over to his place to preparty. There were a bunch of guys there...they were all pretty cute, actually. So I ended up having to take my car back to my house because there wasn't anywhere to park that it wouldn't get towed. Feeling pretty good when we left for Stetson's. Turns out Blake is friends with Kresslyn Kissane (from high school). We rode in her car. Stetson's wasn't really all it's cracked up to be. At least it wasn't on this night. I can't dance to country. And I felt a little out of place. I danced with some guy for a while. Nothing happened, which I'm glad. I had 4 drinks while I was there...I was so drunk by the time we got back to Blake's apartment. And his roommate was definitely hitting on me, because I was complaining how I didn't find a guy to make out with that night...I'll leave out some things, but just know that I was so wasted that night. I had fun, but the next morning I woke up feeling very strange, very disappointed in myself. I so hooked up with Blake's roommate Ryan. He's really hot, but I felt absolutely nothing...he definitely wanted more than what I was willing to give him, but all we did was make out. And I slept in his bed with him. Felt so weird the next morning. I just wanted to leave, but I didn't have my car...I was stranded. I called everyone in my phone book (except for one person, guess who that is). I couldn't reach ANYONE. I was so upset. I was so tired and hungover. I didn't know what to do. I thankfully ended up getting a hold of Meghan. She was a livesaver. I owe her big time, but I don't mind. I really appreciated it. Went home and slept for a while. But I couldn't sleep too much because I had some studying to do. Ended up not really doing any. While I was sleeping, Andrew called me and left a message, asking if I wanted to do something that night. I was so suprised that he called, because I did not think that he would. I had mixed feelings. I was happy that he called, but then again, I didn't know if I should go out with him. But then I called Ania to tell her, and she asked me if I wanted to go to Chubby's that night. I wasn't planning on going out because I was so tired, but I couldn't resist. I told her about Andrew calling and she said to invite him. So I did. I got ready at Ania's, which was fun. Then we went down to Andrew's room for some drinks. I was so nervous. What if he wasn't what I remembered? What if he saw me again and was like, that's her? But it was all good. He was happy to see me, and I wasn't disappointed either. He's just SOOOOO CUTE!!!! So yeah, had a really great time that night. I love kissing him so much. And I loved falling asleep and waking up in his arms. We're supposed to go out this week. I think I might call him tomorrow to see if he wants to hang out, though. But that'd be in addition to also going on a date. I want to see him so bad. I was thinking maybe tonight, but I'm just so exhausted. This weekend's lack of sleep has really caught up with me today. And I have a really long day ahead of me. So I think I'll wait until I feel (and look) better. Okay, I'm about to pass out, literally...

And you kissed me like you meant it, and I knew that you meant it

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Last night was absolutely INCREDIBLE!!!! I have so much to tell, about last night and Friday night. But I don't have that much time (stupid studying!!) So I'll just say this: Andrew (the guy from Wednesday) called me yesterday afternoon. I called my friend Ania to tell her, and she said she was going to Chubby's and invited me along. I thought, what the heck, why not? So I talked to Andrew and told him about it, and he went with us. HE IS SOOOOOO CUTE!!!!!!! We made out essentially the whole time on the dance floor...it was crazy. I was feeling so good too, had the perfect amount to drink. Not to mention, I spent the night with him...(only kissing, I'm not that kind of girl!) I have NEVER been kissed like he kissed me last night. It was SO AMAZING!!!! I was literally weak at times...And we're going to go on a real date sometime this week. AHHHHH!!!!!!! When we got up to my friend's room, she jumped in the shower, and said that we could come in and "talk" while she was in the bathroom...well, she put on the PERFECT song that describes the night absolutely perfectly: Dashboard Confessional's Hands Down....so amazing....I'm in heaven right now....

I've been looking for the answer, somewhere...

As Blake put it best, I'm in the middle of a transformation. It's completely true. I am changing big time. But I'm still the same me in most ways. Just working on the areas I've always had problems with. I'm going out again tonight...gonna find another cute guy to dance and makeout with!!! I'll have my fun tonight, then I've really got to buckle down this weekend. Major studying--well, at this point it's more like cramming. I've probably really screwed myself over with my test on Monday, but it'll be ok. I don't have to make an A...Well, I'm off to finish getting ready for tonight. It's gonna be so much fun! I can't wait!!! (Hopefully though, it won't turn out like last Friday night...I've got my fingers crossed...)

I can't keep something I never had

I don't feel so good right now. Haven't been ever since I woke up from my nap. I tried working out some, mainly just ended up walking. Obviously, I'm still feeling the effects from last night. I'm going to try and get a little studying done tonight, so my day isn't completely wasted. But I don't know how much I'll be able to do, because I don't think I'll last much longer. How do people go out every night and drink? I cannot do it. I don't think I want to do it. Not every night. At least, not with the amount I had. I do want to go out tomorrow night though, and hopefully it will happen. Blake's gonna be disappointed about tonight, but I think it'll work out for the best because he's got a friend visiting in town, and I'm sure he's going to want to stay out really late, and I still have a semi-early (10 am) class. I don't want to be sick, either. What is happening to me? I'm definitely starting to go a little bit wild. Not that I'm complaining. I've done things this past week that I never ever saw myself doing. For one, drinking so much. Two, making out with random boys in public. Never saw that one coming...but it's been a lot of fun. And I'm glad I'm finally starting to have fun. Having some of those nights where you go, "what in the world was I thinking?" and "did I really do that?" Last night is included in the above categories. I think the age think is bothering me a bit. But I shouldn't feel ashamed...there's nothing wrong with the girl being older. It's hard because of the social stigma of it. I don't want the guy to call me though. It was a fun night. That's it. I don't think he will, which I'm hoping for. I bet he thinks he is so cool now...hooking up with a 21 year old...because I think his friends were definitely thinking it. But whatever. I'll never see or hear from him again. So all's good. And no one knew me, thank goodness. I was getting pretty crazy on that dance floor...seriously! But isn't this what college is all about, anyways? Once I find someone, I won't feel the need to go out so much...because I think that's partly what's driving it. But I think for once, I actually am enjoying being single, because I can make out with as many guys as I want! Two in one week...who would've known? I'm becoming more confident with guys, even without alcohol in me. I hope that translates into something positive for me soon, because I deserve it. I've waited long enough. An 18/19 year old?!! What was I thinking!!!!

I'm so caught up, I don't know what it is

Last night was so crazy. And amazingly fun. Once again, did not plan on drinking as much as I ended up having, but it's all good. I was definitely drunk, but not wasted. And I so danced and made out with the cutest guy!!! I met him before I started drinking, so no doubts about it. Plus, I've got a picture this time (I'm kinda scared to look at them right now, though!) I went over to my friend's place (she has her own room in Southgate--she's a freshman, but I don't care) to get ready, and then we went up to some guy's room where they were pre-partying. I felt so old. They were all freshmen. And in the Jewish fraternity. But boy, some of them were so cute! That's where I met Andrew (the guy I was with ALL night). Right away I was like, so cute! But, had to remind myself he was a freshman...not that it ended up mattering, and I actually don't care too much. It's only 2 years younger, not a big difference. I think I'd rather have younger than older at this point because of the level of (in)experience I have. Anyways, we got a ride to the club, and Andrew was one of the guys in the car. I was feeling a little buzzed at this point because I'd had a drink and a shot. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I know he wanted to dance, and so my friend and I went out on the dance floor with him...and somehow I just kinda claimed him, and him me. I wouldn't have had any more to drink had it not been for dancing, because I wasn't feeling it sober...it was much more fun with a little alcohol (all of a sudden I feel like all I'm talking about is drinking...how ironic from the girl who would never touch the stuff and looked down upon underage drinking--not that I'm underage anymore). So we danced. And danced. And danced some more. He wasn't that great of a dancer, but I showed him how, guided him...not that I'm an expert at that kind of dancing or anything (because I haven't really danced like that much at all) but, all my dance training came in handy. At some point, we just kissed...and kissed....and kissed some more!!! We were so majorly making out by the end of the night--on the dance floor, in front of everyone. Yes, I was. I can't believe it, but it's true. And then in the car on the way home (in a full car!) I definitely wanted to kiss him, but the feeling was also aided in part by the alcohol. Ok, so I'm running short on time now...let's just say that I absolutely LOVED the feeling I had last night--him kissing me and, most of all, just him holding me tight and holding my hand...he did ask for my number, but who knows...if nothing happens, that's fine by me because I'll just find somebody else next time! I didn't make it home last night...no way was I in any condition to drive, so I stayed at my friend's. Let's see how long I make it on 4 hours of sleep...I can't miss my first 2 classes, but I don't think I'll go to my third today. Anyways, last night was so much fun. I'm supposed to go out tonight with Blake, but I think I'll hold off on that one until tomorrow night...gotta ease my way into it. And yes, closure, Meghan, is definitely what I have now, and it feels so good.

The illusion I held onto, you've got me letting go

I'M GOING OUT TONIGHT!!! YAY!!! I asked this girl from one of my classes if she wanted to do something, and we're going to go to some fraternity crush party at Baja's. I'm excited just to be getting out again. I want it to be where I'm like, Adam who?!! Yeah, still can't believe I saw him twice...wonder what was going through his head. Well, I don't really care because I've moved on. Gonna try and find another cute/hot guy to makeout with tonight!!!

Is this an illusion I have in my heart?

No freaking way...I saw him again!!! This time it was on the way to class, and it was in the distance. I was just looking around as I walked, and I happened to look in the direction of the business building, and there he was standing outside...I'm pretty sure he saw me again because after I saw him, he looked in my direction, and I know he saw me earlier, so he had to have known it was me. So I just walked on, pretending I didn't see him, with my head up and walking confidently to the Bellamy building...I just can't believe I saw him twice in one day, when I haven't ever seen him on campus before. I want to make him jealous. I know that's the mean and immature thing to do, but I want him to hurt as much as he hurt me. He's such a coward. Duh! He couldn't even call me to tell me it was over. And he still can't face me, because he knows perfectly well what he did. I'm just a little bitter....So, don't think I'll be going out tonight like I'd hoped. But I probably will tomorrow night--Blake says he's gonna call me. But I really am in the mood to go out for a bit tonight. Maybe I can find someone. We'll see. Time to work off this anger that I've acquired today.

I won't be the one to chase you

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!!!! I SAW HIM TODAY....I LOOKED RIGHT AT HIM, BUT HE COULDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME. WHAT A JERK!!!!! I HOPE HE SAW TODAY WHAT HE LOST, BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING BACK!!!! Other than that, I'm having a great day...feeling very flirty...gonna try and find someone to go out with tonight, because after seeing him today, I JUST WANNA GET OUT AND HAVE SOME MORE FUN!!!! At least it wasn't a bad day for him to see me, because I look really cute in a little skirt and tank top!!! SO THERE!!!!

Live like it's the last moon rising

Good part about today: my last (and most boring) class was cancelled today. Bad part: had to use that time to study. Plus much more to come tonight. I've really got to be focused--I've got too much to get done. But enough about that. Can't wait until I get to go out next. My mind keeps wandering back to Saturday night. Randomly, I will just laugh out at something that I remember doing, in disbelief that I actually did that. But it was so much fun. What I liked most was at the end of the night, just holding hands, and later being in someone's arms again. I want that feeling so badly. I felt so secure, so right. I don't think the guy was right, but the feeling was. I feel no attachment this time, which is a first. Not like there's really anything to get attached to, but I did kiss him and all. Maybe it's because I really don't remember too much of it. I remember enough. I don't think I'd want to remember everything. If only there'd been a video camera, because you should've seen me...I wish I could have seen me! Ok, time for dinner!

Just open up it's so healing

I'm a mix of emotions right now. Tired, a little overwhelmed, content...all at the same time. Can't really describe it. So, I had to cancel my plans to go to see Anne in Orlando this weekend. Found out I have a test on Monday that I have not been keeping up (or really paying attention to) with the material. Gotta learn 17 essays worth of information in a week. Plus, another test on Tuesday. I'm not feeling stressed, especially since I decided not to go out of town. I'll be fine having time to study this weekend. Otherwise, I'd be freaking out trying to find time to get everything done. The fact is, I just am not capable of studying like I used to. I cannot just sit down and study for hours and hours anymore. But I guess that's a good thing! But now I can go out with Blake this weekend, because he still wants to...I think he's even more excited about it now because I told him about Saturday night. We're becoming pretty good friends. He's really easy to talk to and I feel comfortable around him. But he's just a friend, that's it. I don't have many guy friends, so I'm glad to add 2 more to my very short list. I may even hang out with him and his friends this week, because I told him originally that I could, still thinking I was going to Orlando. I really want to. I'm getting addicted to going out. OMG! Today when I was driving to class, I was sitting at a stop light when this car pulls up behind me. I look in my mirror and see that it's a really hot guy driving! I just got so excited...I think I'm really starting to go boy crazy (not that I wasn't before, just not to this extent). Yeah, so I thought that was really funny how I acted. I still can't believe Saturday was actually real. I can't believe what I did. I want to do it again! Well, next time I won't drink so much that I get sick, because I'm starting to discover my limits. Less is more for me, with my size and all. I just keep thinking about it...it really gave me a lot of confidence today. I found myself wanting to smile for no reasons many times today. Still can't believe I had a hookup...the scary thing is though, because I was thinking about it today...if someone wasn't there to keep an eye on me, what might have happened...because I know I was in no condition to be able to stop anything from occurring, if it were to. I was capable of saying no, but enforcing that decision, highly doubtful. Thank goodness it didn't get to that point and for Bryan being there for me. Gotta be really careful in the future. Anyways, I didn't exactly get as much studying for my class done as I had wanted to because it took me forever to do a few questions, so I've gotta go get some reading done before I get too tired. I just can't believe how much I've changed in these past couple of weeks...

Now I know what I didn't know...

Wow. That pretty much sums up last night. I remember pretty much everything that happened, but yet, it's a blur...probably from all the alcohol I had--which I went a little bit overboard on. That's actually an understatement. I got wasted for the first time. Did not plan on that happening at all. I wouldn't have been that bad if I hadn't had that second Long Island. But it was so much fun. Until the end of the night. I can't believe how crazy I acted. It all seems like it was a dream, like did I really do that?!! So, let me start from the beginning. Warning: it's a very long story, because like I said, it was one crazy, fun night! I got to Gainesville around 6:30-ish, and then Bryan and I grabbed something to eat for dinner. We didn't really know what to do, so we just hung out at his apartment until it was time to go out. Wasted a couple hours watching movies on ebaumsworld.com. The most hilarious videos on there are the ones with the star wars kid--especially when they add in the special effects. I highly recommend checking it out. So around 11pm, we met up with his swim team friends at this place called the Grog House...it's like a casual club/bar type place. The place was filled with very good-looking guys! And Bryan has some really hot friends, too! (Who apparently had some good things to say about me, as well!) I started out the night by having some pineapple-flavored shot, then had a Long Island. Started to feel the alcohol's effects, but decided on one more Long Island for some crazy reason (my judgment was already impaired). I so was feeling it after that second one...definitely not something I've ever experienced before. I started getting into the music and moving around/semi-dancing while just looking all around the place at the guys. No guys came up to me on their own...I think it was because Bryan was around me the whole time, and it might have seemed like we were together, but we weren't. At one point I saw this really cute and hot guy pass by...Bryan then told me to look around and find the hottest guy I could spot...so I looked for the guy I saw--couldn't find him at first, but then spotted him behind us. Well, Bryan went over there (I, meanwhile, am in my own little world, just dancing to the music, standing next to a table) and from what he told me late last night during our drunken (well, my drunken) conversation before falling asleep he said that his friend wanted to meet him (something like that). The guy was interested, but thought that I was with Bryan because he had been by me all night, but Bryan said no, and he ended up coming up to me. His name was Rob and he's a Sig Ep. Not really sure what we talked about, but not long after I met him I asked him if he wanted to dance. So we just started dancing right there. Most of the people at the place were all tipsy by this time and dancing too, but there weren't many dancing where we were. So got some stares, but I didn't care. I was really into it! I think his friend was taking pictures of us, because I remember seeing flashes going off several times. Then we ended up moving to the front of the place where more people were dancing. I really let loose...I was dancing like crazy! And I was really good at it, too! We definitely kissed several times at least (it's all a blur!). Yep. I was making out with a guy I just met. Crazy. But great!! And apparently we danced for well over an hour--until the club closed. I don't remember it being that long at all. It seemed more like 15 minutes to me. But that's what Bryan said. Funny, but I wasn't tired from it at all. Definitely was about to fall over numerous times, but saved by Rob. So, after that, Rob said something to me about going back to the Sig Ep house...I wasn't ready for the night to end...went and found Bryan and Rob told him about it...decided to do that. As we were walking, I kept looking back at Bryan and asking him to please not leave me so I wouldn't do anything I would regret, because at that point, I was completely capable of it. I was so out of it. Rob was holding one of my hands as we walked, and I was latched on to Bryan with the other, making sure he wouldn't leave me. Once in the car, had to ask what Rob's name was again, because I had no clue! Definitely held hands the whole way. When we got to the house, something about not being able to park in the driveway, so we parked on the curb. At this point, I was really beginning to feel sick. Bryan was not actually going to let me get out of the car, and was about to just tell Rob to go, when I got sick. I was so leaning out of the car. Not fun at all. I was then taken out of the car and sat down on the curb, 3 guys at my side (Bryan, his roommate, and Rob). I felt so embarassed about the whole situation, and just started crying...first about not meaning to get sick, and then just about everything--Adam, guys not like me in general, etc. Who knows all what I said, because I certainly don't. What seemed like a very short time to me ended up being over an hour again. I became an annoying drunk person. Bryan's roommate (who's also named Rob) was drunk, too, and told me to shut up a couple of times and just wanted to get me in the car (don't remember this stuff). But Bryan's rationale was that since it was my first time feeling like this, I didn't know what it felt like and how I'd be fine if I moved (which I didn't think I could do because I was so nauseous). So we stayed on the curb. Rob was still there with me, holding me, talking a bunch of nonsense, as Bryan told me today. I thought he was being nice by saying stuff (but then again, I was the one almost passed out on the curb!) I remember saying things like I know he'll never want to speak to me again, and he kept saying that he'd call me the next day. I ended up giving him my number before we left and he said he'd call me. I didn't think he would. But much to my surprise, he did! Just wanted to make sure I got home safe and see how I was feeling, which was sweet, except I'm sure last night he was looking to get something from me...Anyways, to make a long story a bit shorter...I'll admit that Bryan was right. He did prove to me last night (which was one of the reasons for inviting me down) that guys do like me and think I'm attractive. After all, I danced and kissed one last night! So I can't complain about that anymore. It's definitely a night I'll never forget. And now I know that I never want to get wasted again. But I'd say the pain and suffering was worth one night of fun! And next weekend I'll be in Orlando visiting Anne...

It's like I'm not me...

So, I'm doing something completely crazy and so unlike me tonight. I'm going to Gainesville for the night to hang out with Bryan. I'm being completely spontaneous, and I love it!

I don't know where you went when you left me

I feel really strange right now. It's a combination of what happened last night, and some very disturbing dreams I had about Adam. I won't even try and describe them, because for one thing, they're fading really fast, and two, it wouldn't make any sense. They just give me a not-so-good feeling. I think it had to do with the fact that I found 2 of his roommates on facebook last night. I haven't added them as friends, nor do I intend to. I don't think that'd be a smart move. It'd make me seem like a stalker or I'm obsessed with him or something. Well, maybe that's a little extreme, but nonetheless, I think I'd be making another mistake if I did, even though I liked his roommates, and they seemed to like me, too. But that's one of those unspoken rules of don't mess with an ex's friends. (Or maybe I'm just making that up). If they somehow come across me, that's a different story. In a way, I kinda would like that to happen, because maybe it'd somehow get to shown to him, and he'd realize he made a huge mistake. Because he did. And he should regret it. I just can't shake the feeling from my dream. I don't like it at all. The basic underlying premise of it was what a jerk he was for just stopping all communication with me. Just not something I'd like to be feeling. Is it Saturday? I guess it is. It doesn't feel like it. I don't know what it feels like. I feel empty. Emotionally drained. Wishing things had turned out differently. I found this great quote on a friend's facebook page last night that I really love: "Don't regret anything that once made you smile." It so applies to me right now. I don't want to regret ever dating Adam because it made me so incredibly happy and we had some really great times together. But then again, look at all the heartache it's caused me. That's just the chance you take when you put your heart out on the line. When the feeling is mutual, it's the most wonderful thing in the world. But if it's not returned or as strongly felt, it's like a huge blow that just knocks the wind out of you and you don't know if you'll ever be able to recover from it. I want to though, and I'm trying to make it happen, but things just keep getting in my way of achieving this goal. I'm not staying home tonight. No matter what. I don't want to be sad, crying, and alone again. It's just something that I've gotta do for myself. To prove to me that I can get out there and be happy and have fun and be on the path to meeting someone. Have I mentioned that it's all I want right now?

honestly tell me that it's over

I feel so incredibly let down right now. I am so upset. Disappointed. Angry. Hurt. All I wanted to do was go out and have some fun tonight. But no one wants to do anything with me. I can't get in touch with anyone. And my sister refuses to go out. This seems to be a pattern with me and guys. I was just so ready tonight. It's all I've been looking forward to all week. All I want to do is meet people. Guys. I know I'm desperate. But all I want is what I had. Or thought I had. Which didn't do me much good because it didn't work out. And I'm still left without an explanation. I'm sure he's probably doing something with his friends right now. Maybe even some girl. Which makes me feel really lonely and sad. Because that's what I wanted to be doing right now. Be out, not sitting at home, crying at the computer. I'm trying to do something that I want to do but I just don't have the means to do it. I feel so bad. I know I really hurt my mom tonight, too. Because I called her after my plans fell through. She knew I was all excited about it. And I'm sure she was excited herself because I was actually wanting to go out. I feel like such a disappointment. Just when I think things are going really well...they completely fall apart and leave me crushed.

My tears are turning into time I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye

I'm all ready to go out...just waiting for the call from Blake. I swear, he better call me because he said he would. And we all know how I feel about guys not calling me back...But I'm sure he will, I mean, it' only 8:00 pm, and things don't get started until 10-11pm anyways. If not, I'll be one very, very unhappy girl, and will have to find someone to go out with, because I'm not staying home tonight. I will drag my sister out if I have to, even if she doesn't want to, I'll make her. I want to have fun tonight. I want to meet guys. I know there's a very slim chance of actually meeting someone to date, but I just need to meet people anyways. And that's what I want to and I will do. After I have a few drinks...but I'm not going to go all crazy or anything. Just wanna have some fun. I think the guy at the eye doctor (the same one who put the contacts in my eyes last time) was hitting on me today when I went back for a check-up...I go back next week again because I got a new pair of contacts...the others just irritated my eyes too much. Maybe getting contacts wasn't such a great idea. Off to wait for a call. And I swear I said to myself that I wouldn't be a slave to my cell phone again...

It's alright, I survived, I'm alive again

Dude...this better work this time, because it's the second time I'm writing it because it messed up when I tried to publish it and I lost it...it won't be as good as the first, and now I've gotta try and remember what I wrote...The best part of today: in my public policy class, we're talking about the policy-making process, and in particular, the Iraq war. My professor asked why the Democrats had failed in their role as the opposition party and not debate the issue, and also why John Kerry voted for the resolution. Well, some smart-aleck in the class commented, "because he's a flip-flopper." Dr. Kemp (my professor), totally went off on the guy. She had made it clear that we'd be analytically critiquing the process, and there was no place for pointless, baseless attacks on either parties. Plus, she said if anyone should be called that, it's the other guy. It was so great. I've been going nonstop all day. First registering, then class, then my appointment. I feel so smart in my research class, which is all statistics. It seems as if the whole class is all confused and doesn't understand, but I find it pretty easy...guess that's a gift. I'm becoming quite the bad girl...I left during the middle of my economics class today. But it was only because I needed enough time to go home and grab something to eat otherwise I would have just died of starvation (and no, I'm not being the least bit dramatic...). But it was only a half hour early...and it's not like I was paying any attention whatsoever. I don't remember a thing he was talking about...all I know is we're discussing contract law and its history right now (and I wonder why I can't concentrate!). I saw a new side of campus today as I walked to my appointment. It was strange (and freezing!) walking to the student life building. Never seen that part before. I've only been there once, and that was with, well, you know...I think my session went really well today...there was a really cute guy in the waiting room... It was a little awkward at first to reveal all this personal stuff to a complete stranger, but it wasn't that bad...maybe it's because I've been spilling my inner most thoughts on this journal to the whole world that made it easier. My counselor agrees with me that what Adam did--just dropping all contact with me--was a lousy thing to do. One insight: when I was asked to list some of the things that I liked about myself, I started out by saying my body, but then I went on to describe these negative things and never finished with the positives. And when asked again, I couldn't think of anything other than being smart. I couldn't think of anything positive, just the negative. I guess I'll have to work on that, but that's the whole purpose. So, since it's such a dreary and cold day, and the fact that my head is killing me, I've decided not to go out for St. Patrick's Day. It's a shocker, I know. I really wanted to, but I'm not feeling it tonight. Plus, I'm saving up for tomorrow night. Which, by the way, did I mention I'm soooo excited about? Look out boys, here I come!!!! (did I just say that??!!)

I don't want to be lonely anymore

Today is going to be a very long day. I've already been up for 2 hours. I registered successfully this morning. I'm proud of myself because I didn't stress out or anything when the page was being very slow to load and wasn't working at first. I stayed calm, and everything worked out. I got all the classes I wanted, which is good. I have my counseling appointment today. Kinda nervous about that. But I'm really hoping it will help me. Because I need it to.

you won't get to see the tears I cry

Today is a sad day for Mother Nature. The Artic National Wildlife Refuge will now be destroyed due to greedy oil companies who could care nothing for the environment. The oil reserves will do nothing to solve the energy problem. More money needs to be invested in developing alternatives to dependence on oil. It’s so like Republicans. All they care about is money, money, money and helping out their wealthy business campaign contributors. And I almost guarantee these people have never been to Alaska themselves. Well, I have, and it’s one of the last untouched, most natural places left in this country. And future generations are never going to be able to experience the beauty of it. I feel for all the wildlife and trees that will die because of the useless drilling. The Bush Administration’s policies are absolutely terrible for the environment and for our country as a whole. I am so mad right now.

what do you do when you look in the mirror and staring at you is why he's not here

Ok, so my journal isn’t working right now…it hasn’t been since yesterday evening. I’ve wanted to write since then, but the page won’t load and it’s really getting on my nerves. So I’m writing this in Word and I’ll copy and paste when it starts working again. I hate when it rains all day like this. It’s not raining hard, but it’s all gross and wet and yucky outside. It’s not a fun day to go to school, or to the grocery store, but I was all out of food. I got my test back in my Latin American politics class—I got a 100! I couldn’t believe it, I was so surprised. It’s with a curve, but who cares! I got the highest grade as well…guess I stressed myself out over nothing. I really didn’t think I did that great, but I guess it was better than the rest of the class! So that made me happy earlier. But then, as I was waiting for my afternoon class to start, my mood just started to plummet. I felt so sad all of a sudden. And lonely. I think it was brought on because as I was thinking about quotes to put on my facebook site, I started thinking about this one night with Adam and how we rented a movie and didn’t end up watching it at all, and when it was over, how he said “that was a great movie”…I originally wasn’t thinking of it in a way that would make me sad or anything…just reminiscing. But deep inside it really got to me and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I want someone so bad. I’m so desperate right now. I know it’s really sad. I just want someone to hold me, to want to spend his time with me, to kiss me…Now I’ve got myself all down again! Because I recovered before I started writing…but I’ll be ok. I’m so looking forward to Friday. And I’d really like to go out tomorrow, too. My mom wants me to—she was like, you should go out Thursday, since it’s your first St. Patrick’s day being 21…not like that stops most people…I’ll see what I can do. I may hang out with Kathryn and Meredith for her birthday. Or if not, maybe I can drag my sister out for a couple hours…she really needs to get out more—she apparently used to be quite the partier last year. I literally had to force myself off the computer last night. I’m addicted to facebook and myspace. Hmmm…I wonder if I’m going to be able to get any work done tonight.

so you think you can hold the world up by a string

I have a new obsession: thefacebook.com. I feel like such a dork because apparently I had the wrong facebook--not that I did anything with it, but everyone seems to have had it for so long and I'm joining the game kinda late. But whatever. It's like high school all over again. Not exactly the place that I want to be ever again. I don't think I'd ever go back if I could...there were lots of good times, but too many bad times--they all came rushing back to me as I sat in the bleachers at Chiles for one of my brother's lacrosse games...nothing had changed. I still felt as lost and lonely as I did then....There are so many people from Chiles on facebook. I just created the account yesterday afternoon, and only searched around and hadn't really added anyone yet. But what do I find in my inbox this morning when I wake up? An email from none other than Meredith Brown to add her to my friends list. I saw that she had it, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to add her or not (hmmm, wonder why...) I just thought that was so ironic. It's like when my mom and I just knew some how that she'd end up pledging KD like me...Anyways, I spent all afternoon on it after I got home. It's so addicting, all these things. I've still got myspace and this journal. Wow...I'm spending way too much time on the Internet. I haven't done this much of this type of thing since high school. It's distracting me from stuff I really should be doing for school...But I'm just so glad that there is one person that is not on facebook, because it would drive me absolutely crazy if he was on there....So, today wasn't too bad again, either. I kicked butt on my public policy exam--I got a 100 (no curve or anything)! I'm so proud of myself. I also got a 99 (but with curve points, but I'll take it) on my economics test. Still no word on my Latin American exam...that's the one I'm kinda nervous about. But it's ok if it's not an A...remember, I don't have to get A's...just gotta keep repeating that to myself. Rain, rain, rain. Looks like I'll be seeing a lot of it over the next 24 hours.

You look at me and I just die, it's like heaven arriving in my mind

It's registration time. I hate this part of the semester. It's such a pain to figure out my schedule. I always end up freaking out about some class when it actually comes time to register. It's happened every single time. Something always seems to go wrong. But I'm hoping I won't have too much trouble with my time slot at 8 am. And let's just hope I get the classes I want, because that often causes me so much stress as well. I really need to clean up my room. It's an absolute mess. Things are just everywhere. I start to put things away, but they somehow just keep ending up on the floor or here or there. I'll get to it eventually.... "My sister thinks that if there's a Mississippi, there's got to be a Mistersippi." Ha ha. Just heard that on a commercial and thought it was cute...Ok. Nothing else to say tonight.

thanks to you, now I get what I want

I talked to Blake today after class. Actually, I gave him a ride home (his car wasn't working). And if all goes well, I'll be going out on Friday night. We're supposed to talk about it later this week, like on Wednesday. So I'm excited. Maybe I'll even go out on Thursday for St. Patrick's day, but no guarantees. I remembered something while I was in class earlier--it would have been 2 months. But, I'm not gonna dwell on it because I've got Friday to look forward to when I can meet lots of guys. Hopefully. I'm just really optimistic about things right now. I think I'm finally starting to enjoy college for once. It's about time!

it started out with a kiss...

Wasting more time doing nothing but looking around myspace on the internet. I don't really have anything to do...I have some reading that I could do, but hey, there's only a few hours of spring break left...and then it's back to reality. Still not feeling stressed or anything. Actually, I don't really feel anything. I'm thinking more about places I could go to get out at night. I just have this huge urge to be more social, especially since I know now the attention that I seem to get. I want to meet someone so bad. That's what's really behind it all. I've gotta find it. Soon. How freaky is this horoscope of mine that I read in a magazine: "Don't shed any tears if something big you planned falls through this month--it'll be a blessing in disguise. You'll need that time and energy to devote to a bigger thing coming your way--a serious romance with someone who has been waiting for you to notice him. On the 25th, you definitely will." Ok, so in know way do I every take these things seriously, because most of them are so ridicuously off that there's no way I could believe it. But, can I relate to this one! Maybe it's a sign. I hope so. Anyways, when I signed on AIM tonight, I got another IM from Eddie (the guy from myspace). I was surprised he IM'ed me again, because earlier this week when he did, I kinda stopped talking to him after he asked me when I wanted to meet up with him. Well, he asked me again. This time I said that maybe we could meet up sometime while we're out somewhere, I said maybe Friday because I plan on going out. He never responded and put his away message on. So, I guess he didn't take it too well. I just don't feel comfortable meeting someone from online. Too many things could happen. Plus, I honestly am not interested in him in that way. So who knows if he'll ever talk to me again. Guess that's the new thing to do. Just stop talking suddenly. But whatever. Two more people I know are engaged. Makes me feel so depressed. Not that I want to get married this young (not at all!), but the fact that they have someone, a relationship. That's all I want. I want to fall in love. I have no doubt that I will--it's just a matter of will anyone want to fall in love with me? Because I can't seem to find anyone who does (and that I reciprocate the feelings). So some random person from FSU just IM'ed me...have no idea who it is, says he found me on myspace, but I don't have my screenname listed. It was another beautiful day today...actually did a little studying while sitting outside. I've gotta get caught up in one of my classes that I put off because I focused on my midterms. But it's ok. I should really try to do something productive right now.

i'm coming out of my cage and i've been doing just fine

So, I've been pretty much wasting my evening on doing nothing but fooling around on my computer. I got out my webcam that I forgot I got free from signing up for cable when we moved in and hooked it up. Been playing with that for the past half hour taking pictures and making a few videos. My day was so relaxing. I'm not stressed about school at all right now. Not even really thinking about it. It was an absolutely gorgeous day outside--not a cloud in the sky. It was too hard to resist not being outdoors on a day like this, so I layed out in the sun for awhile. I unfortunately had to be in my front yard because the sun gets hidden behind the house around back. I felt like I was on display for the world. Luckily, being at the end of the street means not a lot of cars going by. Except, there are these new trailer trash neighbors that moved in a couple of weeks ago. They are pure white trash. No kidding. There's a ton of them too. And they're never in school. Always out setting off firecrackers all over the place. Big time annoying. There's a college age guy that's a real jerk. He will throw the football around right in front of our house and I just feel so gross because I've heard them whistle before and it was torture having to unpack my car last Monday when I got home. They were out there when I pulled up. I just completely ignored them. That's what I do best. Anyways, I was curious about the details of that bikini contest (not that I am planning on doing it--not at all!) , so I checked out the website. That girl must have been drunk or something when she told me I was bikini contest material, because when I looked at the photos, there was no way on earth that I could compete with those girls. Too tan, too big of breasts, too fake. I mean, I know I definitely have the body (minus the boobs and tan), but I am just not at these girls' level looks-wise. They're like models. It's actually a contest not only for money, but for some modeling opportunities. Me, a model? I don't think so. Plus, the whole thing kinda completely goes against everything I stand for. Strutting around in almost next-to-nothing in front of a bunch of drunk guys? How degrading! I refuse to let myself be treated as a piece of meat for guys to drool over. But, I guess secretly it'd be kinda fun getting all that attention. And I think that's definitely what I've been craving lately...not necessarily from the whole world, but from a special someone. Who I will find. Especially since I'm gonna get out more. And what I realize from last night, guys apparently do notice me, much to my own oblivion. I have such a horrible self-image, which is why I have such a hard time believing it. I've never really had a lot of confidence in myself and thought of myself as pretty. Sometimes I do, but I really struggle most of the time. With all of the images that we're constantly bombarded with, it's hard not to compare yourself to these beautiful models and celebrities and judge your own self accordingly. I know it's affected me. I feel like there's this standard, and I don't measure up at all. Not just to celebs, but to real people that I encounter in life. I'm so insecure. I hate it. I hate being this way. I know it's partly genetic because my parents have both had problems, and still do. I would have never guessed it, because they seem so outgoing, especially my mom. Now, my body image is a whole different situation. I love my body so much now. I'm proud of how I've been able to transform it into this lean, strong, and healthy body. I used to not always feel great about myself, but after I started consistently working out and dramatically changed my diet (no junk food), I couldn't be happier. I just feel so incredible and amazed at how I look. But what I do to stay in shape is not for everyone, because it takes an incredible amount of discipline--something that I've always had. But it's worth it to me. It's my gift to myself. It really does give me a high and I hate to miss doing something physical everyday. It's my self-image where most of the problems lie. Maybe I just need to trust what people say more (I have lots of trust issues as well). Bryan complemented me today when I talked to him on AIM--he said that I was a smart and goodlooking woman and would have no problems making connections (talking about my working on Sen. Smith's campaign). Wow. I'm so shallow. I care too much about looks and what other people think, like I need their approval or something. Alright, I'm getting tired now. Off to get ready for bed.

out of the darkness and into the sun

Oh my gosh. Last night...well, that was one I will not be forgetting for a while. I cannot believe how drunk I got. That was by far the most I've had to drink and boy how it ended up affecting me! I was going for a nice buzz, and I definitely got that and more. But it was fun--at first. By the time I got home, I realized how out of it I was. I was definitely not coordinating my movements very well. Kathryn had to walk me to the door and open it for me because I was, well, in another place. Wow...what started out as a night of going bowling definitely turned out to be quite a night. I liked just hanging out at AJ's and having a drink. Not too many people there at first, but by 11pm, there were a lot more people. I so need to go out more often now, because I've been missing so much. I still cannot believe that waitress came up to me and said I should enter the bikini contest because I was what they were looking for--blonde, blue eyes. She really seemed to want me to enter--actually, she might not have been alone because when she first came over she said "we," but I don't know. Wow is all I can say. That is like the biggest complement. I have a hard time believing it, but I think other people are seeing in me something that I just cannot bring myself to seeing. But that's another subject--maybe I'll talk about it later. I mean, she came up to me twice about it. It was just so random. I mean, can you imagine me out in front of who knows how many guys in a bikini? I certainly can't. It's something that I could never see myself doing--it's so unlike me. But yet, I kinda keep thinking about it--what if I did it? I highly doubt I actually would, but I just wonder what people would think. I'm sure no one would ever believe it. Me, that quiet girl, in a bikini contest at a bar. That's just hard to imagine. And yeah--so last night really gave me a confidence boost. I think so many guys were checking me out (why, I don't know). And that one guy that came up to us who wanted to know how to get to Stetson's--come on! Yeah, and he so wanted to talk to me, but I didn't. Too old for me, and wasn't feeling him at all. Sorry, but I want someone my own age who's still in school. But those other guys at the table--the one in white so kept looking over at me. Oh my gosh! On my way home from picking up my glasses today--so many freaking guys were checking me out it's not even funny! Ok, so I was at a stop sign, and this car passed and on the passenger side was this guy who looked right at me as they passed (he was cute!). So I pull out behind them, and when I get to the end (it was Live Oak Plantation Rd. going towards Meridian), the guy so turns around and looks back at me. And the guy in the driver's seat (who looked older--I'm guessing it was the guy's dad) was so looking at me through the rearview mirror--and he even waved at me! Yeah, didn't really know what to do at that point but kinda look around like I wasn't paying attention. If he wasn't so old, I might have waved back or something (like if it was the guy's friend or something) but I thought that it would be too weird. And some other cute guys looked at me too while they passed by. Why don't I see it in myself? Why can't I like myself? I have very little self-esteem. Hopefully counseling will help with that. Oh! Back to last night--Kathryn and Lindsay were really into watching the basketball game. When it was over, we decided to check out what was going on upstairs. So we go up there, hear some lame music being played, so we turned around to go back down. However, the guy playing saw us and totally called us out! He was like, "ladies, where ya going? I buy you shots." So we went in and there were no one but guys up there (not that many people though). We're waiting for our shots this guy promised us, and after he was done, Kathryn and I went up to the stage area where we had some licquer poured into our mouths! And this was after I'd already had 3 shots and a drink! That did me in. Actually, I kept wanting to get one more shot--I was wanting to see what would happen if I had just one more. Thankfully my friends wouldn't let me, because I would have definitely been throwing up last night. I felt like it. When I got into bed, my head was spinning all over the place and it made me feel so sick. So I spent some time in the bathroom, but didn't get sick luckily. I have no idea how I got myself ready for bed when I got home. I went to sit on my bed and I missed and just slid down to the floor. (I know how bad that sounds!) Now I know my limits, and won't be having that much for a while--if ever again--but no promises ;) But I so want to go out next Friday. I am. I'm going to talk to my friend Blake. It'll be like a dream come true for him because he's always trying to get me to go out with him when he goes out. Strictly a friend thing though. He's just a really fun guy, and I'm sure I'd have a lot of fun. I did have tons of fun last night. And there's so many more to come! But this doesn't mean I'll be drinking all the time, because I don't want that to happen. Just wanna go out.

I don't want just anyone to hold

So I've been running around all day. I'm finally home now. I had an eye appointment earlier, where I ended up getting contacts. Interesting things, contacts. Had a really hot guy put them in my eyes the first time. It's a strange feeling at first, but once I had them on for a while, I forgot I had them on and I couldn't feel them. But it was a pain trying to get them in by myself when the lady was telling me how to do it and how to clean them and stuff. I felt like she was treating me like I was a little kid or something, and would get irritated if I didn't hold my eyelids open or what not. Whatever. They make a huge difference though--the whole world is a much clearer place! I have my glasses, but I don't want to wear them all the time, because I really don't like the way I look in them that much. Plus, why wear glasses when you can wear contacts instead? Anyways...going bowling tonight. Yay! I'm getting out. That's all I want to do...I don't want to stay home tonight. Whatever I have to do, I'm gonna make sure I go somewhere tonight. Hopefully. Oh, I forgot...this morning when I checked my email, I got an add friend request from Bryan Yasinsac on myspace...way random. I don't know how he found me at all, because he's not linked to anyone that I'm friends with. But I sent him a message just to say hi. Might as well. I remember the summer after freshman year he stopped by my house one day while I was gone. My brother called to tell me that someone came by and asked to see me, someone named Bryan who was very tall and had curly big hair. I couldn't figure it out for the life of me who it was. Then I realized who it was. He stopped by later that week and we talked. Haven't seen him since though. But it's cool...I need more guy friends. Also, I go on AIM today--the second I log on, Eddie IM's me. I was ok with it at first, but then he was like, I'm coming back Sunday, so if you wanna hang. I didn't respond. I feel bad, but I don't think it's a good idea to meet a total stranger off the internet anymore. I was a little out of my mind at the time I agreed to meet him. So craving attention. But now, I'm just not interested. If he wants to be friends online, that's cool...but the whole meeting in person thing, I'm just not feeling it right now.

i even fell for that stupid love song

My emotions are driving me crazy. I'm up one minute, I'm down the next. I'm way too emotional. Feeling a little better now. Talked to Meghan...I needed to tell someone how I was feeling. Definitely not in the mood to go out tonight, but if everything works out as planned, I'll be going bowling tomorrow night, which is actually something that I've been wanting to do. I just need Thursday to come. Only one week. I've got an appointment at the counseling center--actually made it 3 weeks ago, but with my schedule, that's the earliest I could get in. I knew it wasn't going to be a good thing, because when I made that appointment, I knew it wouldn't do me any good to wait that long. I needed to see someone sooner, to help me with what's been causing me to be all over the place emotionally. It was one of the hardest things for me to do--to make that appointment. Should have done that over 2 years ago. I really hope it helps. I need it to.

How can i put it? You put me on

I wish I hadn't been going through the huge pile of newspapers sitting on the dining room chair today, then I never would have found an old issue of the FSView from last week. And I wouldn't have wanted to look through it. But I did. And I looked through it. Only to find one of those "thank you" things after some group has had a social. I always look through the list of names to see if I know anyone. And there it was: the very first name on the list. This just makes it 100 time worse. It was bad enough that he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. But now, I know it's because he probably found someone else. And it hurts to find this out. It hurts so bad. I should have known better. I could never get a guy like him to stay with me. He was too good looking for me, because I didn't measure up at all. He can get any girl he wants, easily. Me on the other hand, it's taken 21 years for a guy like him to even notice me. Why did this have to happen to me? It's going so well for Amy and Vanessa and Amanda was in a relationship for 2 years with her first boyfriend. And I still haven't ever had a boyfriend. No one wants to be with me. What is wrong with me? What is it about me that just repels guys away? I'm not doing to well at the moment. I'm doing everything I know i shouldn't--blaming myself. But it's gotta have something to do with me. It can't always be just them. There's just something that they don't like. I wanted to go out tonight. Just to get out. But I don't want to see a movie because I'm sick of seeing movies. That's all I ever do if I go anywhere. Not that it's a bad thing all the time. But lately, that's all I feel like I've been doing. I asked my sister to do something with me. But I got into a fight with her just now because she doesn't want to do anything, especially since I can't exactly figure out what I want to do. I want to go somewhere where I have a chance to meet someone. I know it's spring break and most people are away, but I need to get out. I want to go out so bad, but I just can't find anyone who wants to go out with me. I want what I thought I had so bad. It's all I've wanted for so long. Since 5th grade, when everyone started "going out," I've wanted it. I've felt so left out ever since. And I still feel incredibly left out. I just want someone to feel the same way I feel about them. I'm reacting way too much to this. But for some reason or another, I invested way too much of myself this time. It hurts just so incredibly much. I thought I was slowly getting over it, and I wouldn't have relapsed like this, but I saw his stupid name in that ad. I just saw it and it immediately just pierced straight into my heart. I just feel like such an idiot. How could I have ever thought that it could possibly ever happen for me? It just doesn't work that way. It never has. And it never will.

I just want to see your smiling face looking my way

Whoa...I did some major damage today shopping. I didn't get too much, but I probably got more than I should have. And I still want more. I can be so materialistic sometimes. Mainly it's over clothes...I just love clothes so much. You can never have too many. Except if you keep them for years and years...which I've definitely done, and I'm now trying to get rid of some of the stuff I just can't seem to part with. I've just gotta let it go...they're only clothes. Clean House has really inspired me. I'm seriously obsessed with earrings. I got two more pairs today. I have no more room for them in my earring case. Gonna have to make room though! I also really like all the scarves that you wear as belts...ok, enough about my shopping addictions. I feel so guilty sometimes afterwards...I know I really didn't need anything. This voice inside my head says that dad won't be happy, because he says how money is tight because of school and this townhouse, etc. Yet, he never has denied us anything. I guess you could call me spoiled. I know I am somewhat. I'm not the kind that is all bratty and bossy and has to get her way all the time...it's more like, if I want something (within reason, of course), I will probably be able to get it at some point. Maybe. Not always. I think I feel this way in part because I don't work, so I'm not making any income. I have money in savings, but I rarely use it, except for things that I really, really want that my parents won't buy for me (like my treadmill). But I'll be getting a job this summer because my dad won't let me not do anything this year. Hopefully it will be that internship working on Rod Smith's gubernatorial campaign that I really want (actually, I've essentially got it, but just gotta figure out the details and stuff). Wow...writing about this side of me makes me realize how shallow and materialistic and spoiled I am. I really don't consider myself that high-maintenance...a little, yeah, because I like to look nice and care about my appearance, but not so much that I get decked out and plaster my face with tons of makeup and stuff to go to class. Yeah, so this is a not-so-great part of me. But it's me being honest with myself about it. And sometimes to make changes, you've gotta come to terms with unpleasant personal characteristics. But it's definitely not easy to admit it.

so if you see me walking down the street, baby don't turn away

I'm so proud of myself. I actually finished my paper today. I decided that I'd go ahead and get it over with, so that way I wouldn't have to worry about it this weekend. So now that's over with. I watched Without a Paddle tonight. Very funny. But also really dumb, but fun. It made me laugh. I needed to laugh. I thought of a few more things that I'd like to do. I want to go on a picnic. I want to visit a state park. I want to go to the junior museum, because I haven't been there in forever. I want to do something wild. Something crazy. Something so not me. Because I'm sick of living within this impossibly perfect little image that I've created for myself. I feel trapped. I can't get out. I'm afraid. Why am I so scared? What is there to be afraid of? I care too much about what other people think. I'm so incredibly self-conscious. I always feel like people are looking at me, staring and judging. But I know that they really aren't. Yet, I can't convince myself that it's true. I need to let go. I want to let go. I have so much inside of me that wants to be let out. I want to let somebody in. I need to let somebody in. I feel like no one has ever really seen the real me, or what comes close to it, because I know most people never get to know someone on that level. But I hold back way too much. I never really express myself like I should, like I want to. I'm constrained within this nightmare image. I'm a good girl, so I can't be bad. I'm quiet, so I can't speak up. I'm shy, so I can't go crazy. I make good grades, so I can't fail. That's all people see me as: this smart, shy girl who never talks. That's me. That's who I've been my whole life. But that's not really me at all. I've never been like this inside. I hide it all from the world. I really am like two different people. I have my public persona, and then I have my private persona, where I can be me. But I'm ready to show the world who I really am. It's there right under the surface...waiting to be set free. But I just can't seem to let it out. I don't know how. But I've gotta figure some way to do so. Because I've missed out on so much already, and I don't want to be left out anymore.

I'm telling myself but it's not sinking in

It's really windy out today. And cooler. So much for the warm weather. Last night was the first time I've heard thunder in a while. I like listening to the thunder and rain, especially at night...except when the thunder and lightning is really severe. When the thunder is really loud, that's when it scares me. Ever since we had that tree in our yard struck by lightning a few summers ago, I've been paranoid about lightning strikes. I also hate it when it gets really windy and it rains really hard, because then I start to worry about tornadoes....I've been thinking a lot lately about things that I want to do. I'll see something and it'll remind me of something from my past and I'll be like, I really want to do that. A lot of it seems to be childish-type stuff...it reminds me of when I was younger and all I had to do was worry about what to play next. I miss those days. But, then again, I like being older. I just wish we didn't want to grow up so fast. That we'd savor being a kid longer. That's what I feel so sad for about this new generation...they (especially girls) feel like they have to grow up so fast--wearing makeup and clothes that are way too old for them. I'm glad that it was never like that for us. I'm glad that I had a good childhood. One that I sometimes wish I could get back. Anyways, here are some of the things that I'd like to do (some of them I really wish I had a guy to do them with):
-draw with sidewalk chalk
-play on a playground
-go tubing down a river
-have a water balloon fight
-play on a slip 'n slide
-blow bubbles
-walk along the beach under a full moon (with a guy)--it's absolutely breathtaking
-go bowling
-watch old movies from when we were kids
-go to Orlando to visit Anne
That's all that I can think of for now...I'll keep adding on as I think of things. But yeah...most are stupid little kids stuff...but it can be so much fun to do them at our age. Just acting all silly...that's the best kind of fun that there is.

Wondering when the call comes where you say it's alright, you got your heart right

So I'm back home in Tallahassee. It's good to be home. But I had a lot of fun this weekend. It was really nice to get away, even if for only a short while. I needed it. The weather was absolutely perfect for the beach--the sky was perfectly clear and the sun was shining, although it was a little chilly at times. Got some sun, but not too much. But that's ok. I don't tan unless I'm out in the sun constantly. But I don't want to get skin cancer or have wrinkles. I'm preserving my skin, unlike the majority of people, well, anywhere. The beach is so relaxing. I love listening to the sound of the waves crashing ashore. But the sun can really drain the energy out of you--laying out is hard work! Running along the beach is also heaven. It's just so exhilarating--I could have gone on for miles longer than I did. Lots and lots of people walk along the beach--I've never seen so many do so. I'm not used to the beaches down south--I prefer the beaches up here with their sand dunes and white sandy shores. But I'm not complaining. I haven't been to the beach in forever (excluding visiting the ones in California), so it was really great. I also had a great time spending time with Meghan and Vanessa. Tried to find some interesting things to do, but didn't know of anything around (plus, too many older people...not enough young people around). We tried to have our own little fun, but ended up being too tired and not feeling to well...I don't know why, but I really wanted to get drunk (not wasted, but get a good buzz I guess) that night...even bought some raspberry flavored vodka...I'll have to save that for another time. But dinner at Sloppy Joe's was fun (except for the forever wait). We got a nice little tour of the Tampa International Airport on Sunday when we were trying to find the International Mall. Once we spotted it, we ended up on the path home by mistake...and drove and drove until we finally found this other mall to go to. Who knew finding something so simple could be such a huge ordeal! It did end up having a Hollister...I couldn't hide my joy when I discovered this...I know it's so sad when I get so excited over a clothing store. One shirt I got ended up having a hole in it, which luckily I caught before we left so I could exchange it. But to my surprise, I discovered today when I got home and was going through my stuff that a second shirt has a small hole in the side...oh, well. Guess I'll just have to live with it. It's not noticible and maybe I can somehow fix it. Long trip home today...still need to unpack, maybe tonight, but maybe not. Overall, the weekend went really well...it was fun just hanging out and relaxing at the beach. I'll never forget this from the trip home today: "I thought they were cats" (just kidding, Meghan...you know we'll never let you live this down...but I love ya anyways. And besides, you always know how to make us laugh, even if you don't mean to!) And thanks so much to Vanessa and her grandmother for letting us stay at her condo, because otherwise, this weekend wouldn't have happened. So, as for the remainder of the week...not so sure what I'll be doing...definitely got some stupid school stuff to deal with...and I want to go to the mall again...so we'll see. I've got more to say, just don't feel like it right now...too tired!

i'm gonna soak up the sun

Spring break is finally here! And I'm finally done with my tests! The one this morning wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, but still, I'm uncertain about a lot of the questions. But I did however I did. And I don't really care. Just finished packing for my trip. It's only a couple of days, but I've got enough stuff to last me a week! I get it from my mom. I always have to be prepared. And you never know what you're gonna feel like wearing, so gotta bring along some choices. I'm excited to finally be going somewhere and getting away. I really need it right now. Hopefully the weather will be nice. Well, I'm off for a few days. I'll write all about it when I get back.

it's like you're a ghost that's haunting me

I had a horrible night's sleep last night. I kept waking up and my mind was racing and I couldn't get my mind off of him. No matter how hard I tried, I kept drifting back towards him. I'm so hopeless. Why do I do this to myself? I get way too involved. I didn't mean it to happen, but it did. Every time I was with him, I found myself liking him more and more. I let my emotions control my life. And it never does me any good. It's not like I fall easily for just any guy, either. It usually ends up happening because somehow, one way or another, I find that they're interested in me, and that's where it begins. It hasn't happened very much, only a few actually, but there's no reason to name names. I just wanted it so badly. I thought that finally, this is it (I'm in no way referring that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy, just that I thought maybe I would finally have a chance at a relationship--at the least a boyfriend). It could have been so perfect. I'm such a dreamer. But that's really all I have--my dreams.

i wish you were here with me dreaming up at the stars

Ok...so I have a confession to make. I feel so stupid now that I did this, and knew I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help myself. And I probably wouldn't ever said anything about it, but this journal is just so addicting. So here's what I did (and feel free to laugh, because it's really dumb): I "googled" his name. Yes, I admit it. I was weak. And bored. And recalled an article in the paper this week about the topic. I found a few things and a few pictures from articles that are apparently from his town's newspaper (a very small town he must come from to cover some of the most mundane things that I found). I'm not obsessed with him, honest. My curiousity just got the best of me. I'm a very curious person, sometimes nosy, and like to know what's going on and things about people I guess you could say. I mean, I've searched my own name before (and did it again tonight to see if this by chance would show up--thank goodness it didn't). I found that when using my first and last name only that I got one hit that belonged to me. It's this paper that I wrote in 9th grade English--Mr. Guerria's class to be exact--on Romeo and Juliet. I remember him asking if he could put it on his website. And so there it was (I had to cashe it, though, because the link didn't exist anymore). It was rather funny (in a strange way) to read it. So yeah...it was probably not the smartest thing to do because now I am thinking about him again...man, he is so incredibly hot! How did I ever get a guy like that? I mean, what in the world was he thinking with me? I guess I know now, because he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore...ok, ok, I know...there I go again bashing myself. Gotta stop doing that. It was definitely a mistake. I should've known. Curiousity always did kill the cat.

don't you see that when it hurts, it hurts

I'm so tired and cannot stand to look another minute at anything that has to do with school. I want this week to be over with. And I'm not looking forward to tomorrow morning. But the afternoon...that's another story. So excited to get to spend time with my friends. I need a weekend with the girls to get my mind off certain things. Didn't feel sad today, which is good. But I just wish things had ended differently. Yeah, it'd be great to still be with him, but the least he could've done is tell me it was over. Ok, enough about him. I've gotta get my mind off of him. And I can't think of anything else to say right now. My mind's drawing a blank...probably due to the studying and a need to sleep.

I guess I didn't see it coming...how could I have been so blind?

It's like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders...2 down and 1 to go. I did really well on my 2 tests today. I know I at least made B's on them at the minimum. And if I didn't make an A...it's ok. Just really nervous about my Latin American Politics test tomorrow. But I'll do what I can and just try my best. I should start studying soon, but I need a short break. I'm so skipping my afternoon class tomorrow...it'll just be a waste of time. I can afford to miss one class. It is absolutely freezing today! I want warm weather to come back...not hot, but mid 70s is perfect. You know what really annoys me about when it rains? How people just somehow think they don't need to turn on their headlights...it just really irks me whenever I see cars without their lights on. I mean, hello--it's not for you so you can see, but for other drivers so they can see you. It just bugs me and I needed to let it out.

the end is the beginning and every point between

And so it begins today...I'm so ready to get my tests over with. I'm not worried about the 2 that I have today, but tomorrow's is a different story. I kinda have been slacking off on the reading lately and apparently my professor takes a lot of questions from it...but I don't have to get an A. I put way too much pressure on myself and I really need to stop it because it's not worth it. So I'm gonna keep telling that to myself until I actually believe it, because it's true. How did I ever get this way in the first place? Anyways...I'm putting a new perspective on the whole Adam situation. He doesn't deserve me. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm way too good for that (and him). I will find someone who appreciates me and wants to spend time with me. I've just gotta put myself out there, because that's what I don't do. And when I did, I met Adam. I've gotta get out more. If I can get a guy as cute as Adam, well, I know I can get it again. And it's his loss because I'm a great person and make an incredible girlfriend, making him cookies and little gifts and devoting all my time and attention to him. And I will find it again...sooner rather than later because I'm gonna make some changes. Because I really want what I had again. It was so wonderful and it made me so happy. He'll realize that he made a mistake and regret the day he decided not to talk to me again. Because I am that wonderful.

I'm gonna make it alright, but not right now

So who did not pay the least bit of attention in her last class? Me! I couldn't concentrate...nor did I want to. That class is so boring and my professor annoys me. I was passing notes back and forth with this girl who sits in front of me...so not like me at all. But I'm doing alright right now...not great, but I'll be ok. It'll just take some time. I'm not going to cry anymore...at least, I'll try not to. But sometimes I've just gotta let it out, because that's how I deal with stress: I cry. Well, off for more studying. Joy.

all I needed was the truth

Now I don't think I'm gonna call him. I told my mom that I was thinking about it, but she says it's not a good idea because he's just being very inconsiderate and he lied to me. She understands why I want to call, but says by not calling, it's his way of telling me. And I'm not sure if I can handle it right now. I really want to know, but I think I need to let it go...but it's so incredibly hard. I don't want it to be over. But I guess that's not my choice. Part of me just wishes that I never met him. That I never fell for him. It hurts so much. If it wasn't for me being so stressed out with school, I don't think I'd be crying over it today. But my emotions have taken over me. I wanted it so badly. And I don't think I'm really interested in this other guy...I think it was more like a rebound thing. I should probably let him know I'm not interested, because I don't want to lead him on, because I know from numerous experiences how that feels. I just wish he would've told me. But I guess I probably would have done the same...avoidance is what I tend to use a lot, too...and I think that's what I'm doing right now...avoiding the real truth about the situation: he doesn't want me.

and I never wanna see you go away

Thanks Vanessa for the advice. I totally agree with you. I decided this morning that I am going to call him, because I deserve an answer. Whether it's what I want to hear or not, the truth is better than the unknown. I'm thinking that I already know the answer, but it's full of uncertainty. I don't know if I'll be able to wait until tonight to call him...I might end up doing it this afternoon. But I really think I should wait so that I'll have more of a chance of actually having him answer my call, if he'll do that this time. I'm hoping for the best.

thoughts of you spin around my head like wheels on a car

I am so out of it right now. I can't think clearly...my brain has gone to mush. It's gotten to the point where it's no use studying anymore because my mind can't absorb any more information. I am saturated. I just can't wait until this week is over. I just want it to end and for spring break to begin. Not that it'll be a total homework-free week, because I still have a paper to due and now I've gotta figure out my schedule for next fall. I can't believe I'll be a senior and it'll be my last year of college. Wow, it's passed by so fast...yet so slow. High school seems like ages ago, yet I still don't feel like I've been in college for the past 3 years. Maybe it's because I haven't allowed myself to have the typical college experience. I'm definitely not your average college student. Although, I'm trying to not be too non-typical. I'm starting to loosen up and have more fun. It's taken me a very long time, but I'll eventually get there. I think I've decided that I'm gonna call him tomorrow night. But maybe I won't. I don't know. I can't decide because I don't know what to do. Hopefully I'll be able to talk to someone about it first, before I possibly make a really stupid mistake. But I figure, I can't make myself seem any more desperate and stupid as he's already seen (because I've said some really dumb things to him about myself, all for the sake of being more open and honest). So what's one more shot at it? Maybe he thinks I don't want to talk to him, or he's all wrapped up in school (because I've never seen a guy study more than I have, or at least be on a level on par with me). I could be too much of a distraction you know. (I wish). Boys. I swear. What I will put myself through for them.

back and forth, up and down, like a rollercoaster

Just got back from Target. Got some cute bathing suits. And 2 cute bags. I love that store. They just have the cutest stuff. Anyways, I cancelled my plans tonight--partly because I chickened out, but mainly because I feel so overwhelmed with studying right now...after my classes today, I realize I'm not nearly as prepared as I want to be...so that's what'll I'll be doing these next 3 days. Which really sucks. So, I'll just have to wait until after spring break to meet him. I'm not sure now if I really want to still meet him or not--I'm scared. Maybe it's too soon...I might have been rushing things a bit. And am I still dating Adam or what? Just because he hasn't called me back, does that mean he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore? Or maybe he got really busy (but there's still no excuse for why he can't take 2 minutes out of his life and call me). What am I saying? The guy hasn't called me...why should I want anything to do with him still? Is this how I want to be treated? I need some advice. Should I call him? And just ask him (or if he doesn't answer, leave him a message) what's going on? If he doesn't want to see me again, all he's gotta do is just tell me. And then I won't ever bother him again. I just desperately need to know. Why did this have to happen? It was going so great--not perfect, but we worked it out. I just want to see him again. If you'd seen the way he acted around me...I mean, he even kissed me in front of his friends a couple times (in a really cute, playful way)...doesn't that mean something? Or am I just too naive? I need to talk to Anne. I just can't get over the boy...at least, not yet until I know for sure. Well, it's time to workout now and then have a wonderful night of studying!

I wonder if I ever cross your mind

I'm so not over Adam yet. I can't believe that I still actually think he might call me. I was thinking this morning that maybe it was all some misunderstanding, and he won't call me because I haven't called him and maybe he thinks I don't want to talk to him or something. I was thinking that maybe I should call him, but I know that's not a good idea. I'm not going to, but I want to so bad. I'm having to hold myself back. He was so what I needed right now. We had so much in common--I mean, how often is it that you meet someone, especially in a bar, that is as serious about school as you are, isn't a big drinker or partier, and is amazingly good-looking? And all you had to do was walk past him...and he was hooked. I guess once he got to know me...there I go again...I won't blame myself and make me feel bad about myself. But maybe, just maybe, he'll decide to call me still. I really, really want him to. Because I need to know what's going on and what went wrong.