you'll never find a girl who loves you more than me

Busy, busy, busy....so much to do. I just can't seem to get back into the swing of things with studying. I just don't want to do it. But I'm forcing myself to keep up, because if I don't, well I'll be very sorry and end up freaking out a few days before the test. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to do the least amount of work I can and still make good grades, something I've never really done before. I've always worked my butt off, doing way more than I needed to. Now I'm just trying to get myself to do something! On Friday after I got home from AJ's with Meredith, I deleted 3 boys from my phonebook. It should have been done a long, long time ago. One of them I don't know why I kept in there, because I am never going to call him or have anything to do with him again (guess who that is). But it was not an easy thing to do. But I did it. It was sort of liberating, not having to worry that I'd make a mistake by calling one of them drunk, or completely sober. But then on Sunday, I put one of them back in, because what if I wanted to call him sometime? Or what if I needed to get in touch with him? I did write all their numbers down beforehand so I'd have them if I ever needed them (can't completely get rid of them, that's too permanent, and very scary!). So far, nothing's come of it, and nothing will, but I just couldn't keep that one out for now. Maybe soon I'll be able to delete it for good, but not just yet.

pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about

So I ended up not going out last night. But it's no big deal, because it was probably the better choice to stay in. Meredith and I were going to, but then she decided that she didn't want to, which I'm kinda glad because I was pretty tired as the night wore on anyways. Martin stopped by to say hi, and we visited for a bit. It was good to see him. He's such a great guy-- I wish there were more like him out there. I know there are, but I haven't found really come across them. Sorry, there is no attraction with him whatsoever...just a good guy friend, which I don't have many of those! I ate with Ania at her sorority house last night. It was nice. Not really much else to say about it. Kinda strange being there, but the girls were really nice. So that guy she was seeing turned out just like all the rest. We can't keep doing this to ourselves; it's just not working and it's only making us miserable. We deserve only the best, not these mediocre guys we become stuck on. Because I don't care about all the stereotypes there are out there about guys and how they don't do this or that because they're guys--if they're really crazy about a girl, they WILL call. And you won't have to remind them to. They WILL WANT to call you all the time, and spend time with you. And sex will NOT have to come first. I don't want to sleep with anymore guys the first night I meet them. Because that's exactly what I've done everytime, with the exception of Adam. It doesn't work; it doesn't make them like you. It only makes you feel bad about yourself and hate yourself. And this includes Skip. I can't keep doing what I've been doing with him anymore; after that last time, I fell. And I fell hard. I realized how much I wanted more than this. I want to really get to know him. I want to spend time with him, other than when we're drunk and not just to hookup. I still want to see him, but not to hookup. I'm not calling him anymore, not going to waste my time on him. I know what he wants, or what he doesn't want, and it's not fair to him, or especially to me. I can't keep trying to make something out of nothing. He's not going to change, and I definitely am not going to be able to change him. Yeah, I thought that maybe if he keeps seeing me, he'll realize that he wants to be with me, and only me, and would want me to be his girlfriend. But let's face it: IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. And I can't make it happen. I want to be friends; I don't want him to disappear from my life. But I just can't do it anymore. Just laying there in his arms, him holding me tightly and pressed up against his body...it was sooooo wonderful. And what we have is absolutely amazing. But it's not enough. I'm not the kind of girl that can just hookup with a guy and not develop feelings for him. I've had feelings for Skip since the night we met. I tried to deny those feelings, or at least keep them in check when I've been around (and not been around him) and to try and convince him that it's nothing serious. But the truth is, I WANT SOMETHING SERIOUS. And this just doesn't cut it anymore. I feel like I'm missing something...I'm missing out on a whole step. A whole person, who I know is a great guy. And I want him to get to know me. I have no doubt that he likes me; but beyond that, he doesn't want more. AND I DO. So I'm going to start listening to what I want, and put that first. Because if the guy doesn't share the same intentions, then why should I bother on someone who will only end up hurting me in the end??

and the killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men...

I'm so going out tonight! I haven't been out on a Thursday since, well since, I have no idea! It's definitely been several weeks. So Ania does not have a boyfriend anymore, and she was pretty upset about it the past couple of days, but I didn't know about it until she told me today. I feel for her, because of course, this is always what we get. Guys that don't want girlfriends. Tell me, where are the freaking guys who do want girlfriends?? I know they are out there, even college guys, because there are plenty of couples that I see on campus. Why can't we ever come across them? So much to do this weekend. I hate schoolwork. But I'll get it done without it consuming my entire weekend. Off to meet Ania at the library for some studying. I must workout today. F-this stupid cold that won't go away!!!

Gotta make that move to find somebody who appreciates all the love I have to give

Why did I do that last night?? Why? Why? Why? I made myself look soooo stupid and soooo desperate. And I never heard from him, either. I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. Where the hell are you supposed to find decent guys? I haven't found one while I've been out. I mean, they are good guys, but when it comes to relationships, they absolutely SUCK. They treat their girl-friends much better than they ever treated me, seriously. And that is just plain wrong--on my part for sticking around. How come I don't see how bad they treat me? I want to ignore it if I do see it, or I try and rationalize it and explain it off. Thank goodness I have friends who recognize it for me. If only I'd actually listen for once...

It's the way that he makes you fall in love

So I succumbed to my own pressure. I didn't call him, however; I sent him a text message. Not that that's much better, but hey, at least I didn't call him! I didn't have to risk the humiliation of hearing him turn me down, or having to leave a stupid voicemail message begging him to call me back. So I did it in words, instead. I just said that I was bored and he was still welcome to come over if he wanted. It won't happen, of course. I just made myself look like a desperate idiot once again. But I had to try. I just had to do it. Because you never know...actually, I do know, I just don't want to admit it or accept it as true. It's easier to be naive and play the victim than it is to actually own up to something you don't want to face. But the thing is, it's not like with Adam, where I KNEW that he didn't want anything to do with me. Or is it?? I KNOW he doesn't want a girlfriend, at least that's what he told me once, but yet, we keep seeing each other. He was, after all, the one who called me the other night. Who am I kidding?? I'm trying desperately to create something out of nothing. At least, I don't want to believe what we have is nothing. NO MORE. This was the last time I contact him. If he wants anything to do with me, he can call me himself. PERIOD. NO IFS, ANDS, or BUTS. I'M THROUGH. WHY DO I LET HIM TREAT ME THIS WAY??? WHY DO I LET GUYS IN GENERAL TREAT ME THIS WAY???

SunZip: so, i never got the chance to tell you that i saw skip on friday night, after i dropped you off...i came home, went to bed, and he called me around 2:30, and i went over to his place to hang out with him...
Mere317: uh huh.....
Mere317: he conviently called you, and you convientely went over there.....
SunZip: well, he was like, i see that you're sleeping, so i'm gonna go, but i was like, what'd ya have in mind....i know, i know...i really wanted to see him!!!
Mere317: mallory..... why do you let him do this to you??? your so much better than him.....
Mere317: he was jerky to you at AJ's for the most part and then you go over to his house....
SunZip: i know, i seriously know....i don't know why i get so attached to these guys...believe me, all my friends say the same thing! i hear, but i can't bring myself to listen
Mere317: yeah, i know......
Mere317: we'll work on this together b/c this is definitley something i struggle with too, i just don't have a guy at the moment, so therefore, it's not a current struggle
SunZip: i'm trying....and now, i want him even more because my friend ania has a new boyfriend, and i guess i'm feeling a tad jealous (very happy for her, but you wish it were you, too)
SunZip: yeah we're 2 of millions of girls with the same problem!
Mere317: yeah i know, i know the feeling..... but that's why you gotta find some friends that don't have boyfriends or even potential guys at the moment.... hey i'm here for ya!!! b/c i don't have a guy in my life!!

It's the way that he kisses you...

My horoscope for the day:

Dignity and sanity are high on your must-have list, especially in light of all the recent compromises and sacrifices you've made. Go ahead and declare your independence from the self-absorbed and the selfish.

How ironic is that? I just checked it, and it definitely applies right now. And no, I haven't called. Yet.

It's the way that he makes you feel...

Why do I even bother??? I had this crazy idea earlier today that I'd see if Skip wanted to hang out tonight. I thought, why not ask? What's the worst that could happen--that he'd say no? I mean, you never know until you try. So I did it. Once again, probably against my better judgment, since it always just goes out the door with him. But I was curious. He responded first of all by asking what I wanted to do. So I said that I was thinking something low-key, like a watching a movie. He replied that it "sounds fun but I have to work until 9." ????? What's the answer? Is it a yes? No? Maybe so?? So I responded one last time that "that's ok, so is that a no?" And I never got an answer back. I guess that's my answer. I mean, I could have interpreted it wrong...he may have been saying that it sounds fun, but he has to work until 9, so we'd have to do something after that time. But it can also mean, sounds fun, but I have to work, maybe some other time. Know what I mean? AHHHHHHH!!! So I'm debating whether I should call him or not....NO! DON'T DO IT. THAT'D BE SOOO STUPID. It's 9:45, he's not at work anymore, and if he wanted to hang out, he'd call me. Right? SO DON'T DO IT. FOR YOUR OWN SAKE AND SANITY. BUT I WANT TO SOOO BAD. What if it's some huge misunderstanding now? What if he thought I was going to call him, and was waiting for me, like I'm waiting for him to call me? It's possible! Ok, it's most likely not probable. But WHAT IF??? That "what if" gets me everytime. What if this, what if that....it can drive a person insane considering a million different possibilities. BE STRONG. BE STRONG. I CAN DO IT. I KNOW I CAN. I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. My phone's just a few feet away...stupid phones and stupid waiting for guys to call. I hate it!!! But he's soooo cute....and I want to see him sooo bad...PLEASE CALL SO THIS MADNESS WILL END ALREADY!!!! But that is just wishful thinking. Why is it that what I want never matters? It's always about the guy, what he wants, when he wants it. Where are the guys who are gonna care about me and what I want? AND WHY THE HELL DO I GET SO STUCK ON THESE JERKS???????????????? I've got a problem. I want him even more right now because Ania's got a new boyfriend, and I feel left out. As if enough stuff hasn't already gotten between us this year, now there's a guy she'll always be spending time with. Yes, I admit I am a little jealous. I am happy for her, I really am. But why can't that be me, too? And how desperate will I look if I call him right now? SHAKE IT OFF, SHAKE IT OFF. YOU DON'T WANNA DO IT. IT'S BETTER OFF THIS WAY. It's exactly like the lyrics to this song: "That's what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head." How much do you want to bet that I will end up calling him at some point tonight???

And that's what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head

For once I'm not taking a nap in the afternoon...well, at least not right now. It's amazing because I went to lay down and take one, but I realized that I can't sleep. But, as I sit here typing this, I feel my eyelids getting heavy...So, I saw Skip on Friday. Meredith and I went to AJ's, and at one point we were getting kind of bored because it was only the two of us and we didn't know anyone else, and it's the kind of place where you need to be there with more than just 2 people. I'd called practically everyone I knew to see what they were up to, but I couldn't get in touch with anyone. So I decided I'd call Skip to see what he was doing, and as it turns out, he was on his way to AJ's! I definitely wasn't going to leave at that point. So I take Meredith and we find a table in the front, so I could be on the lookout for when he comes in. We were right in front, so it's kinda hard to miss us. But of course, he didn't see me, and I went up to him to get his attention, but he didn't hear me and walked off. I was a little pissed at that. I went back and sat down and decided he'd just have to come and find me now, because I wasn't going to go up to him again. He kept talking to some girls for a while (I'm sure he knows them). Then, when I wasn't paying attention, he came up to me, giving me a hug and kissing me on the lips (and it wasn't the kind of kiss you give your parents or anything when you see them!). And he seemed all happy to see me, and did this little look thing that he always does when he's with me. He was sooo drunk, but it was cute. Some guy that I guess he knows came up and kept looking at me funny, and sat down by me, and Skip left, and the guy ANNOYED me so much so that I had to get up and go find Meredith. When I found her, she wanted to leave, so I told her that I wanted to go tell Skip goodbye. He was sad that I was leaving and gave me a pouty-face type look. But at that point, I was like, I'm such an idiot. Why would he be sad, since he wasn't hanging around with me, so what did he care whether or not I was there?? Anyways, I started crying a little bit when I got into the car, but not much. Just had to release a bit of tension. EVERYONE says to forget him, that he's not worth it. EVERYONE of my friends, including my mom. And I know it, too. But, against my better judgment, when he called me later that night, I decided to go hang out with him and some other people at his place. Of course, I knew what would happen...that's what I WANTED to happen!! I didn't really care about much else at that point, other than that he called ME, when he could have called, or brought home, someone else. But it was me he wanted to see. And I admit, it made me feel special. I just don't see how he can not feel anything, that it's completely meaningless. You'd have to be inhuman for it to not mean anything. Just the way he holds me, ALL NIGHT (and morning and afternoon, lol!), and just the little things, like feeling my heart beat, kissing me on the forehead, and holding me so incredibly close. We have this absolutely AMAZING chemistry. It's just unreal how attracted we are to each other. And I know it's just not me. Because if he clearly was just using me, he wouldn't act the way he does, because I've done the casual thing before, and it has NEVER been like this, not with Adam, not with Chris, not with Ryan. That doesn't mean that he's changed his mind about not wanting a girlfriend, but it doesn't have to be completely nothing to him, either. Friday was our 6th night and half the day (3:30pm!) we spent together. And I doubt it will be the last. Do I want more? Sure. But do I think he might be coming around somewhat? I do, especially after this last time. There was definitely something different with him, not in a bad way at all. But I'm still not going to push it, or wait around for him, either. Still taking it day by day, because as long as I'm still able to see him for as long as I WANT (it's not going to be about whenever HE wants to see me), that's what I'm gonna do. Oh, and guess who I got a facebook message from this morning-- ADAM!!! Yeah, he just wanted to say hey and see how I was doing (I guess that's it!, as he said). I'm really wondering what that means, because he's never just written me without having some other purpose in mind. Does he want to see me? Do I want to see him?? If that is the case, one thing's for sure: I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIM!!! No, no, no, no!! If he's not in it to be in a relationship with me, I don't want to get back involved with him, because it will only lead to heartbreak. Guys don't easily change their ways. And I'm sure things would end up like last time. And I'm not gonna do that to myself again. No way. I wrote him a very short message back saying I was doing good, just busy with school and stuff, and asked how he's been doing. We'll see if he answers back...

And I don't wanna waste another moment, saying things we never meant to say

Who is being completely unproductive right now? ME!!! And I don't really care! I did a little bit of work this evening, but it was enough. I need some goof-off time. More like a day. And so today I took it. And won't get much done tomorrow either, considering that it's a) Friday, b) I have a doctor's appointment, and c) I'm going to the mall! But maybe I can do just a little bit. I was going to try and get some assignments done before the weekend, but whatever. Can't spend all my time on studying. And guess who I heard from today...Skip! Yep, I was definitely surprised. I honestly didn't think I'd hear from him again, not that I didn't want to. He sent me a text message (while in class, as I later found out) saying he hadn't heard from me in a while and asked if I had a plans for tonight. I was sooo happy when I got it. The first thing I thought was yes, I heard from him! He still wants something to do with me! And he was thinking about me, too! But I definitely did not get my hopes up, as the two previous times he's texted me, nothing happened. I responded that I'd been sick (which is true) and hadn't gone out in awhile, and was probably going to go to Potbelly's with Ania (she had just called and asked me). I also asked if he was doing anything. But here's the shocker--he actually responded back for once! "Too fratty, but no plans yet" was his answer. I wrote him back again and asked what he was doing tomorrow. After I found out that Ania didn't want to go out afterall, I decided to call Skip and see what he was up to. So glad he answered...had a little chat...he also decided he probably wasn't going out afterall (he was all for it while he was in class--that'll do it to ya) because he has a test tomorrow. Which is actually fine with me, because I don't want to go out either. I was just going to because Ania had asked me a couple days ago and this afternoon. I'm still not feeling that great, and I'll rack up another day of not drinking (11 now!). He was thinking of me while he was in class "I'll see what Mallory's up to..." And he said to give him a call (or he'll give me a call) this weekend...I'm just glad he's not gone from my life right now. And he obviously still feels some attraction to me, I know he does...how can he resist me???!! Just taking day by day, phone call by phone call. That's all I can do for now. Still not getting my hopes up, but I've just got a renewed feeling.

Well it's all so overrated, in not saying how you feel

I am not one of those girls: those generic, processed, fake girls that all look alike. Nor do I, or have I ever wanted to be one of those girls. I've just been noticing it so much lately, and I've just been very aware of it. I look at the girls in my classes and as I pass by them on campus and elsewhere...they're all the same. Overly and unnaturally tan, obviously-hightlighted blond hair, makeup plastered on their faces, the Louis Vuitton/Coach/Dooney and Burke purses, the $200+ Seven or other designer jeans...the list could go on and on...let me add that now it's the pants--those stretchy, flowy material crop pants everyone and their mother is wearing these days...not to mention the Polo shirts, the Oxford shirts, the I-dress-like-I'm-40-years-old clothes (I guess you can separate them into two classes), and the freaking deck shoes?? What's up with those? Can you tell I'm just a little annoyed? Am I being judgmental? Stereotypical? You bet I am. And I don't really care. Of course there are exceptions. But I'm not focusing on them right now. I'm not jealous, that's not the point of this rant. It's just I'm SO SICK of it!!! I feel like I've definitely been moving in a more individualistic trend lately. And I pride myself for not conforming. Granted, I'm not too far off in some ways, but I definitely do not classify myself as one of these girls. Tan? Not even close, nor do I want to be. Being tan is not everything, and it's definitely not healthy. I'll laugh when they get wrinkles by the time they're 30. I've never given in to buying any designer handbags or jeans. I WILL NOT, I repeat, I WILL NEVER spend over $150 on a bag or on one pair of jeans!! It's ridiculous. I'd rather have a variety and more bags and purses for that amount of money. I'm not cheap, either...I just do not see the point in wasting that much money on something that will be out of style next week! And don't even get me started on the polos, etc...you wonder why I don't feel like I fit in here??? I've never seen more people dress like that until I transfered to FSU. Seriously, the same people in high school never dressed like that. Conformity. They had to conform. It's true that if you put me in a room full of these girls, I will feel incredibly insecure. And that's not their fault--I'm not blaming them for anything. I think I am a very pretty girl (and I am!), but I have issues with the way I think other people perceive me. I've improved greatly, but if it especially involves guys, I will most likely end up crying at some point or another, because I feel like I could never be adequate enough. Never pretty enough to compare. I wouldn't be the one guys would notice, or even look at for that matter. It's one of my biggest fears, and why I've avoided situations like that for so long in the past. I'm not even talking about anyone specific. Just the general mold of this type of girl. You know her. I know her. You see her type all the time. She's the one everyone wants to be like, yet I reject her with a vengence right now. The one thing I want that she has? It's not the clothes or the material things. It's the confidence. The ability to captivate people. Which I lack, and have always struggled with. She's the one on the inside. I'm outside looking in. I'm clingy. I am. It's because I don't know people. I don't have other friends to go over and say hi to and hang out with when I go out. So I stay close by to who I'm with. Like a shadow at times. It's the worst with guys. Skip said I was clingy. He told me that one night, the last night that I saw him. And the worst part is that it's completely true. If they go somewhere and leave me, I'm left all alone, just standing there like an idiot, no one to talk to or no one to see. Why is it so hard to make friends? And where am I supposed to make new friends? There's something holding me back. I have so much potential, as everyone tells me. And I know that I do. But something inhibits me from utlilizng any of it. I want to do things. I want to be involved. But just when I think I can, I stall. I'm standing on the edge, and I can't jump. I need a little nudge, actually a shove, to get me moving. But I don't know what to do. What is it that makes me so hesitant, so afraid? I can't let it keep ruining my life. Otherwise I'll never go anywhere or amount to anything.

Look at this photograph, everytime it always makes me laugh

I think I found an organization that I'm really going to try and be involved in...I was invited to join the Golden Key International Honor Society recently, and they had this interest-type meeting this evening, so I decided to check it out and see what it was about. They do community service type activities and are one of the only honor societies that actively participate on campus. I may decide to run for an office position, since pretty much everything is open, so we'll see. It's a really prestigious organization, so I think it'll be good to be involved, since I don't really think I want to continue doing the College Democrats right now. I still need to look around and see what else is available to get involved with, because I want to find something that I really enjoy and can participate in. I want to take a dance class. I miss dancing like I used to do. There's gotta be a class out there for college-age people just wanting to dance for fun once a week. Particularly one that is free would be best, but I'm sure my parents would probably pay for it if I was really serious about it, since they probably know that I have to miss it somewhat. Afterall, it was a huge part of my life, and I'd done it since I was 3 years old...Tonight is one of those nights were no one really wants to go out, which makes me feel better about not going out. I honestly don't feel like it-- I'm tired, I have stuff to do, I don't feel like drinking, and I don't want to be falling asleep in all of my classes tomorrow. So yay for people not wanting to go out either, because I'd feel left out and more compelled to go out if other people were...So, I haven't talked to Skip in a while. And he hasn't called me, either. Whatever. I've got mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I'm a little upset, because after all, I do like him and it hurts that he doesn't want to see me or talk to me. But then again, I'm not really as distraught about it as I have been about other guys in the past. Maybe because I know exactly what he's not looking for right now (which is a girlfriend), and I don't want to be too overbearing and seem desperate and like I can't take a hint. I mean, as long as I continue hanging out with Blake, I know I have a good chance of running into him, and I still want to be at least friends (which means, yes, I'd still hookup with him!). Yet, it would be soooo hard to be out with him and see him with another girl. Unless I've found someone else by that point, which doesn't seem likely right now. I'm trying so hard to supress that nasty little voice in my head that seems to pop up more and more frequently--that I will never find a guy, or why no one wants to be my boyfriend or wants to get to know me. Of course, it doesn't help when you see couples kisses and holding hands (yuck, that stupid PDA!) or guys and girls shamelessly flirting and hanging all over each other. But I have to remind myself that there is someone out there, and I WILL find him. It's just not my time right now. You've got to go through tons of frogs to get to that one prince. And that's exactly what's been happening in my life this past year. And there's no reason why I should feel inadequate or not good enough or not pretty enough, because none of it's true. I've proven to myself that I CAN get practically any guy I want...but the problem has been I've been going for the wrong ones, or the ones who don't want anything serious and just want to play the field. And hey, making out with lots of guys is fun, and it's not always so bad being single. I mean, look at how I've met all of these guys...I've been out, and I've been drunk everytime, which is not the best place or situation to meet someone decent. However, I really wonder where to find other guys, since my classes are pretty devoid of cute guys. And I know because sadly, it was the first thing I looked at when I went to my classes for the first time. Seriously, when did I become so boy-crazy?? But it's really okay. I'm just taking it in stride, reminding myself that I don't want to settle. Yeah, there is someone that wants me (however, he did cheat on me twice, and I have no feelings for him whatsoever), but I'm not going to make that mistake again. I did it once, and realized in retrospect that I lowered my standards significantly and was probably trying to believe that I like him when I really didn't. It was more about liking having someone there for me, rather than actually liking the person. And anyways, I deserve someone who would never even think twice about cheating on me. And someone who calls me just to say hi or see how I was. I'm tired of doing all the work for nothing. It's useless and only makes me look pathetic. I don't need to do that to myself. I don't need a guy to be happy or to be complete. You should never go into a relationship or looking for someone to complete you, because you'll always be dependent on that person for your happiness. They're supposed to complement you, enhance what you've already found within yourself. Not the other way around. I'm proud of myself for resisting the urge to call. I was thinking about it yesterday, but I decided that what's the point? You'll only be disappointed in the end, because what I'm looking for will not just magically appear in someone who doesn't want the same thing. I'll meet that guy, and even if he says he isn't looking for a relationship at first when he meets me, there will be someone who is just so captivated by me that he realizes he can't let me get away. And that will be the luckiest guy in the world!

Don't be so quick to walk away...

I wonder if I'll ever be able to make it through a whole football game this year...Meghan and I left at halftime again. It was pretty boring, and it gets soooo tiring standing and cheering. Plus, headaches don't make for much fun. But it was cool just hanging out and spending time with Meghan. OMG!!! Who did I see this time?? None other than Chris! And what was even weirder about it was that I woke up to 2 facebook messages from him this morning. Seriously, he needs to just give it up. It's getting a little creepy, too, because he was saying how much he misses me and how he wants me back, and how he'll "never give up" and wants me to give him a second chance. Yeah, right! What's this about he'll never give up on trying to get me back?? How scary is that? I guess I shouldn't expect this to stop...I really hope he's not turning into some psycho stalker. Anyways, at the game, I was just randomly looking around in the stands (because that's what I find myself doing most of the time, instead of paying attention to the game) and I thought I saw him, so I looked again, and sure enough it was him. I don't know if he saw me or not, it looked like he was looking right at me when I looked that second time. Meghan was my lookout for me, because I DID NOT want him to see me, because I KNOW he would have come and tried to talk to me. Not what I needed at all tonight, or ever for that matter. Why does it have to be him? Why can't it be Adam, or Skip? Or anyone else but him, someone I don't want to get back together with?? Not that I would with Adam...by the way I saw him at the Miami game, not sure if I mentioned that or not...I'd much rather Skip be declaring his love for me. I have no idea what's going on with that...haven't talked to him since that text message, and of course he hasn't called. I wonder if he would want to see me again...maybe I give him a call later this week, but I don't know. We'll see.

I'm gonna make, make you scream, make you scream, make you scream

Is it already Friday again? These days just keep going by faster and faster. Some more than others. Actually, too many seem like they go on forever, especially if all you're doing is waiting. But that's not happening tonight, because I didn't actually mind not going out. Unlike last Friday, this was completely my choice. I've really been slacking with my school work, and just have a ton of stuff to get done this weekend. Plus, I really don't feel like drinking, and I am quite tired. It's nice not having to worry about calling anyone and making plans and wondering if they'll ever call you back or getting ready to go out for what would end up being no reason at all. I've been fairly productive this evening, first working out, then cleaning up my room, and doing some reading. There's a football game tomorrow that I'm going to, but this time I'm not planning on drinking. I didn't really find it that fun the last time...I had no idea what was going on, and it wore off so quick, and there was no more to drink, and I just got soooo tired. I mean, that's what basically happens after you drink a lot anyways: you get drunk and then want to sleep. Could have also been the fact that it was an incredibly long day, without a nap I might add. Not really much to say, so I'm off to do some more reading so I don't have to do it later!

You're gonna miss me baby, hate to say I told you so

You know what I just noticed? It may sound dumb... ok, it probably really is and has no significance whatsoever, but 3 of the 4 guys I've been with all have the same birth month as me, and are freakishly close to mine! Adam's is 2 days before mine, Skip's is 4 days after mine, and Ryan and I have the same birthday!! How weird is that? It's definitely a strange coincidence. And I thought, being a libra, that another libra was supposed to be a very good match...not that I actually believe in horoscopes or anything, I just look at that stuff for fun. Is it just me or am I the only one who is loving this weather we've had the past few days? It feels like fall!! And I absolutely love it! Ok, so it still is 90 degrees outside, but there's this cool(er) fall breeze that's been blowing. Tonight when I was walking up the stairs in the parking garage after the College Democrats meeting, it was kinda windy, and got progressively so as I continued higher and higher...and the point is it just felt amazing! Just being up high looking out with the wind tussling my hair and blowing across my face just was so refreshing. I guess I really should go do some reading now...I've been quite the slacker ever since school started again...

So lonely, I'm so lonely, I have nobody...

I could not feel anymore alone than I do at this moment. Or actually, all evening. Ania's ditched me. She won't respond to my IMs (she still doesn't have a phone). We were supposed to go out tonight, but when I asked her if we were still going to, she never answered back. Things were going so well. I had friends. I had a social life. Now I'm having to do all this searching just to find someone who wants to go out, let alone hang out with me. This weekend was supposed to be so much fun. There's so much that I wanted to participate in with the game and everything, but I have no one to do anything with. I do all the work. It's always me calling. It's always me asking if they want to do something. And I'm always at their mercy, with yeah, I'm not sure what I'm doing yet, I'll give you a call later. And that call never comes. I'm not just talking about guys, either. I've lost my best friend to a bunch of stupid sorority girls. Did I make a mistake by not going back? But I can't afford it, I what's to say anything would be different? They never reached out to me the first time, so why would they now, especially? I'm really only talking about certain people here, not my good friends that I've had forever, who are always there when I need them. But everyone else, who I thought were my friends. With Blake, he's a guy, and he's got a girlfriend, so I understand, and I don't really have too much a problem with him. I'm trying to befriend his girlfriend, Anna. She's really cool and I like hanging out with her. Hopefully we can become good friends. I just don't know how I'm gonna make new friends. I need to get involved with something. But what? That's the problem. I wish more than anything that my sister would go out with me. All 3 of us siblings are in the same boat. My brother's so-called friends have abandoned him, too. And my mom is really upset and blaming herself, wondering if she did something wrong along the way of raising us, which is not true at all. This is my last year of college. It's supposed to be so much fun. I love going out, but it's so ironic that now that I like to do this and actually want to, I can't find anyone to go out with me anymore. I just have so many things I want to do socially this year--not just this weekend. I don't want to be sitting at home all day, alone, by myself, not doing anything, while everyone else is out having fun doing various activities. This weekend primarily means stuff having to do with the football game. And I won't be a part of it on account that I don't have any friends. Like an idiot, I called Skip...he actually answered...he was out at the downtown getdown drinking and having fun...I was really jealous, because I kinda wanted to go to that. He had previously gone to happy hour at Potbelly's, another thing that I wish someone would have invited me to go to, or I would invite to go to if I had someone. I'm just so alone, so, so alone. I'm not supposed to feel this way anymore. Things were so good. I was actually happy. But I haven't been lately. I'm scared I'm starting to fall again....

Well I was sitting, waiting, wishing...

I AM SOOOOO ANNOYED RIGHT NOW!!!! Skip sent me another text message this evening asking me if I had any plans for tonight. I sent him one back saying that I didn't yet, and asked what he was doing. I also said for him to call me if he wanted to do something, and to do it soon so I'd know (I was polite and said please). But what's happened since then??? NOTHING!!! I was very skeptical about it in the first place, because I remember what happened with the last one. BUT WHY BOTHER??? I'd rather not hear from you than for you to get my freaking hopes up that I might get to see you!! Is he trying to drive me crazy? And you know what, the next time he sends me one (if that ever happens), I'll be busy and have plans, but that's when he'll definitely what to do something! I just know that will be the case. He's not the only person I haven't heard back from tonight. I called Anna, Blake's girlfriend, to see what she was up to and if she wanted to go out, and I also called Blake. No word from either. And Ania didn't want to go out tonight. I was at least supposed to go over and hang out with her, but she changed her mind. I really wanted to go out tonight. I don't have my first class, and I just feel like being out. I feel so pathetic. And pissed about Skip. You know what's even more pathetic?? I was actually trying to look at it in a postive way in that at least he was thinking about me. God, I'm such an idiot.