What makes the one to shake you down?

I waste way too much time. Doing absolutely nothing. I'm so unproductive. But when I have free time, I have no idea what to do. Like this past weekend. What did I end up doing? Not much other than wasting time away on the computer. Well, I did have some purpose, like looking for inspiration for a project. But I've just been so creatively blocked lately. And it's driving me crazy. I know exactly what I want to do and want it to look like, but then I don't at the same time. It's so frustrating. I spent 4 hours (the entire FSU-UF game) on Saturaday online, looking at random websites. Yes, 4 hours. I was at my parents' house though, so at least I wasn't at home alone. But still. Why don't I do anything?? I have so much potential, I know I do. I just have never done anything with it. I'm boring. I do the same things all the time. Even when I have nothing to do, I have absolutely nothing to do to fill that time. I'm not lazy by any means; I just don't know where to channel my energy or focus. I want something worthwhile to do. Or, at least something different. However, while I am sick of the same routine, in a way, I don't want anything to do. But I need something to do. What am I to do with all this potential??

ok, so how pathetic do I look??( as I read a couple of previous posts from this week) SO PATHETIC!! ewwww....is all I have to say...don't do that again! too much time and space wasted on that jerk...

Don't waste this chance with your smile

I feel like I've been eating so much lately. Not of anything bad at all, but I feel like I'm hungry a lot. No, actually it's just because I want to eat these two new cereals I have, lol. Things still just keep running through my head like crazy; it just won't stop! I tried to take a nap earlier when I was feeling really tired, but couldn't fall asleep because I can't clear my head! Everytime I think of something good that I could write about, I just say, I'll write about that later. But now I can't remember anything! Random want: to go on an actual date. The last time I went on a real date was my date with Adam. Oh, actually, no that's not true. I did go on a date with Andrew last spring, but that fizzled. I guess I did go on one date with Chris, but I paid for everything, and he had 5 freaking beers at my country club where I took him to eat! And then he made me pay for his ticket at the movies because he didn't bring any money. What a loser!! What in the world was I thinking with him??? I ask myself that ALL the time, because I really don't know. And to think he was my first...but really, I forget that he was and would rather not remember any of it. It's sooo weird how I feel about him is completely different from all the other guys. Maybe it's because I never really liked him in the first place, and it was more like I was bombarded into this "relationship" without really wanting to. How easily do I not think of him. But with others, I can't get them out of my head. Skip has faded a lot, too. But not totally. I still think about him and those nights. I really am glad, even though things turned out the way they did, that I got that experience with him. I saw what I could be...my passionate side really came out in a way I never thought that I could ever be. Actually, it wasn't how I thought I could be, but how I never saw myself as being that way because I'd always detatch myself and feel that I'd always be trapped inside myself...kinda difficult to explain. But then again, the pain that I experienced...but no, it was worth it. You can't go through life avoiding love and passion for fear of heartbreak. Nope, you sure can't. I know I can't.

I'm holding on but letting go of you

I just had one of those moments where I just got in touch with a long lost friend....it really made my day to have found her, because I think about her every now and then and wonder how she is doing, but don't know how to get in contact with her. So this is good news. I was up at 5:30 this morning painting, because I could not sleep. So rather than continue tossing and turning, I decided to get up for an hour or so and work on a project and then eat and go back to sleep. That's exactly what I did, too. There's just sooo many things that would not stop running through my mind. It didn't help that I woke up at around 3:30 am, too, and decided to get on the computer. Checked facebook, of course...and may have stumbled onto something that I did not, nor do I ever care to know about because it'd hurt way too much. Why it hurts, is beyond me, because this person is a COMPLETE JERK and I do NOT WANT HIM, but because of the history and who it is, it will hurt. It was only a matter of time if I think it was about what I think it is, but I never wanted to think about it. So I deleted a few things and decided that it's not necessary to keep him in my life like I have been. He should have been gone long, long ago, but I never wanted to fully let go. Of course, I don't believe that is completely possible, because they will always be a part of you in some aspect, some way, but I've become unecessarily obsessive this past week. Thank goodness I remained strong and didn't follow through with any of my stupid ideas I had. And I never backed down (at least to him, but I was certainly thinking it), so it shows that I do not want him anymore to him. That's the most important thing, because I honestly don't. I want the IDEA of him. Without all the qualitites and things he did that made him a jerk. I wanted what I couldn't have. That's simply it. No, I'm definitely not going to hate myself in the morning over one night with this guy ever, nor any other guy from my past. They've proved to me they're not worth it. I AM WORTH IT. Every single bit. Occassionally, I'll think about sending Matt a message just to say hi and see how he was doing, but then I think, why??? Uh, I haven't heard from him, so clearly he doesn't want to hear from me. It's pointless, and would only leave me with disappointment, or worse, it would lead me on and give me false hope. That's something I don't need any more of. I actually don't even want to look at his profile, especially right now. I don't want to come across something that will make me sad or hurt. Plus, he just disgusts me at the moment. I have no desire whatsoever. I was thinking about making a bet with myself--see how long I could go. But then I realized that'd do no good; it'd be just like a very strict diet where when you're forbidden to have something you want so bad, you just want it even more and then go over board with it. I'll "indulge" occasionally, when I feel like it, instead of banning myself from something that will just end up driving me crazy. But right now, I'm glad he's gone, and I'm glad I've finally decided to myself that I'm done with him.

You'll look back and won't believe that girl was me

Wow...I just went back and looked at my first entry on here. I haven't looked at that in forever, and it was so weird. I read a few of the other early ones, and it's amazing how far I've come along since then. I realize I still pretty much have the same emotions (plenty of heartbreak), but I was just so sad. So sad about the whole Adam situation. He really affected me in a major way. Not necessarily in a bad way, either. I think he did a lot of good in the guise of a heartbreaker. I learned so much from that experience. Not that it's helped much to date, but I've grown so much stronger and wiser. Now, I know better. Even when I continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, I at least know what I'm getting myself into. Oh, so I see that the jerk has logged on to myspace and didn't add me as his friend yet. What a loser. Yes, this is stalkerish behavior, I admit it. Why am I going back to him? I mean, not like he wants me back, or that I WANT him back. But that I'm starting to be obsessed with him like this?? Ok, so it probably has never really stopped...but since he's been on facebook, and now myspace, it's a little hard to not want to keep track of him. Hey, I know he does the same (there's proof from the occasional comments and that booty call at the beginning of October). But this is not good, not good at all. Because who's the first page I check besides my own? His. I'm soooo pathetic. I know I'm not the only one, because Ania does it too! We should start a club...girls who can't get over one specific guy, even though he is a complete jerk and we should not want anything to do with them ever again...except maybe a little one night stand, which will put us back where we were in the first place: MISERABLE. Yeah, that'd be the longest club title ever. I've completely lost track from where I started, and I'm not even gonna try and get back there tonight. More time to waste on myspace and various other turn-girls-into-psycho stalkers-sites. And I just learned that I have 3 subscribers to my blog on myspace! How cool is that...I didn't know anyone subscribed. Not that I write like this on there (whoa, that'd be revealing way too much to people who I wouldn't want to know was reading my stuff!).

When I'm waiting, when I'm waiting...I've been here before

Time has been nothing but WASTED today. Had class, came home, messed around on the computer a bit (I've rediscovered my obsession with myspace), went to the gym, gave Ania her present, and came home and have done NOTHING worthwhile since. Just listening to music and on myspace waiting for Adam to confirm me as his friend and looking for inspiration to make some layouts and other designs. I SHOULD be working on my public policy paper. But honestly, who's doing work right now? Most people are at home or on their way home...campus is going to be so dead tomorrow. And I will be in class, then taking a test. Woo, I'm so lucky.

everyday and every night...I wish I was your someone

It asked me if I really wanted to add him as a friend...did I really want to? I don't know, but I did it anyways. He better freaking confirm me!! Oh, but then the idea today completely repulsed me...and that's how it should be, right?? Yes. It should. We'll see how long that lasts...

I keep going back and forth...I want him, I don't want him...mostly, I DON'T WANT HIM...except for certain times....please come to your senses girl...YOU DON'T WANT HIM!!! But then again, I do.

Let me be your someone to hold you tight, someone to make you feel alright

It's raining and thundering outside...how long as it been since this has happened? Forever it seems. So it's the week of Thanksgiving, and I have 2 tests tomorrow...plus the second half of one on Wednesday. That's right, my teachers are very cruel and I have 2 classes that day. I usually skip them on that day. Not with the test now. So that sucks...now time for bed because I'm absolutely exhausted!

I like when you whisper softly things only I should hear that lead me on

In the newspaper today, there was an article on the CMAs. I am in no way a country fan, and I didn't read it. I just glanced at one of the pictures, which was Lee Ann Womack, and the caption underneath it read of a title of one of her songs, I May Hate Myself in the Morning. Hmmm, I thought. I wonder what that's about. I was curious, and wondering if this was something that would describe the type of behavior that Ania and I keep suffering from--going back to guys who are complete jerks and how we just can't get over them. Well, we've been finding various songs that describe our pain, and so I decided to check out the lyrics to this one. And sure enough, this one fits the BEST so far. Here they are:

Ain't it just like one of us
To pick up the phone and call after a couple drinks
Say how ya been I've been wondering if maybe you've been thinking 'bout me
And somewhere in the conversation
An ole familiar invitation always arrives
I may hate myself in the morning
But I'm gonna love you tonight

Everyone's known someone they just can't help but want
Even though we just can't make it work out
Well the want to lingers on
So once again we wind up in each other's arms pretending that it's right
I may hate myself in the morning
But I'm gonna love you tonight

I know it's wrong
But it ain't easy moving on
So why can't two friends
Remember the good times once again

Tomorrow when I wake up I'll be feeling a little guilty, a little sad
Thinking how it used to be before everything went bad
I guess that's what is
In lonely late night calls like this that we try to find
I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight

I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight

It's scary how true these lyrics are. I was seriously considering going back to Adam just on Saturday night! Thank God I didn't though. But that's just the conundrum: you think you're over someone, but then you run into them or something, and the feelings resurge. I don't believe you can completely get over someone. Ever. They will always mean something to you. Even if you hate them to the death, they still mean something to you (hate!). They may fade into oblivion, but there's always going to be a special place for them in your heart. And it's this reason why it's so easy to want to go back, and why we keep going back when we know we shouldn't. It's amazing how many people experience the exact same things with regard to relationships. There's obviously a standard, a formula to them, because this definitely happens to EVERYONE. At least every female!

Ewwww...how could I ever even think that??? Or even consider it?? ewww....

Picking up speed, I can barely breathe

My horoscope for the day: Get ready to say it all and to hear it all. Passionate words -- for better or worse -- are on the agenda. And you're definitely ready for this; in fact, you've probably been waiting for this encounter for some time.

What the heck is that supposed to mean??

So, he didn't end up calling me. Not that I expected that he would, but there was just this chance because I had seen him. I'm talking about Adam. I went to a Mae concert with Kathryn last night (had so much fun!). I knew before I even went that he would be there because he likes them (know that from facebook...in fact, that's where I discovered them...from his profile! I'm such a stalker, I know). Once I mentioned it to Kathryn, she agreed that we'd probably see him. And that we definitely did. Good thing I'd had a few drinks, and was looking totally hot...when we were walking along the back, sure enough, there he was. I could spot that boy anywhere, even if it's the back of his head (which it was!). RJ was right by him, which presented an opportunity for Adam to have to know that I was there. He ended up walking a way for a minute, so Kathryn and I decided to go say hi to RJ. Well, as we were standing there, Adam came back and was right behind me. I don't know if he saw me then or not, but I pretended like I didn't know he was there, in my typical fashion (remember Sebastian at the gym on Thursday?). I thought it was funny that RJ mentioned to Kathryn that Adam was there, but I don't know why he didn't say it to me. We left and went to the bar, and as I was standing there, I could see from the mirror along the wall that Adam was approaching. I felt a pinch on my back and I turn around to see him. He's like "what are you doing at the bar...you're such an alcoholic." I was like whatever and I really don't know what else was said. I think I tried to give him one of those side hugs you give to guys you know. It was definitely a short encounter, but at least he was the one that came up to me, because there was no way I was going up to him! He came up to me...now that's strange. When he went back to stand with RJ, I know he said something about me, because I could tell by the way was talking, you know in that I just saw/talked/whatever...blah blah blah...Hmmm...wonder what he said. But he ended being near me for a while, in the general vicinity. Wasn't sure what to expect, except that I had to pretend like crazy to ignore him and make it seem like I wasn't trying to be around him or following him or anything. I just let Kathryn take the lead. He ended up moving somewhere else during the concert at some point...to which by the end I kept glancing around (I was looking for cute boys! well, and Adam). Never saw him. Thank goodness I deleted his number from my phone, because if it was in there, I would have definitely called him. Why?? Not sure. I didn't really want him in the way that I used to, but I was feeling, well, like maybe if he called, I wouldn't turn him down. Such bad thoughts, I know. It would have been such a HORRIBLE idea...one that I couldn't explain to anyone. Ania would absolutely kill me! But nothing happened, and I soon came to the realization that he's still a jerk and will always be a jerk. At least we can be on friendly terms with each other.

Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

Yesterday I was wondering who in the world else I would end up seeing...at the gym, I saw Sebastian. He didn't say hi, nor did I. I know he ended up seeing me, but I pretended like I didn't know he was there. My typical reaction. But what a jerk to not even say hi to me! Whatever, who needs him? I certainly don't! And then on the way home to my parents' house, I passed Chris on the road. I saw what looked like his truck coming, and sure enough it was definitely him once he passed and I saw the back of his truck. He didn't see me, thank goodness!! I could be in Clemson right now, if only Ania didn't have that debate tournament. And I called Anne to see if she was around because I thought about going to Orlando for the weekend, just to get away and have some fun and visit. But turns out she's in Chicago. So much for that. But, exciting news for her--she's engaged! Wonder if I will be a bridesmaid?? I am her little sister, afterall...but if not, that's a lot less trouble (and money!) for me. I'll definitely be going to her wedding, though. I think I'm just going to take it easy this weekend and relax, try and get some things done (like clean my room and finish a book that's due Monday and work on another research paper and study for a test next week and the week after--ha! like that's gonna happen!!!). I've been really tired this week. I keep getting lightheaded/dizzy. Like mono-ish tired in a way. It's a really weird feeling. The good thing is I haven't been taking a lot of naps lately. I'm assumming that's a good thing, except when I really need it. But I'm finally feeling better and not currently sick at the moment! [knock on wood]. Running some errands with mom today and going to go through some old boxes of clothes to get rid of some stuff...time to get ready.

When you walk by everynight, talking sweet and looking fine, I get kinda hectic inside...

So am I feeling better about my body today? Not really, but it's not like it was yesterday. I did have a really good workout today, so that made me feel good. But right about now, it's not so great...So the big question is gonna be: do I drink when I go out tomorrow night? And my answer: I don't know how I can go out to a bar/club and not drink. I can't be sober around drunk people--they just annoy me too much. Besides, I get jealous when I see people drinking and I can't drink, because I WANT to drink. It's fun. I don't HAVE TO, but I PREFER to. Plus, when am I ever going to be able to drink like this again?? NEVER!! I'm graduating in the spring, and sure there'll be lots of times I still go out, but definitely not as much as I can now once I'm a full-time working girl. It's just that drinking has sooo many calories...I really do try to use the lowest calorie stuff that I possibly can (10-calorie juice, anyone??)...but once you get drunk, you don't really think about what you're drinking. This isn't a new concern of mine. I've thought about it ever since I started drinking last spring. But now it's really coming into the limelight, especially with the way I've been feeling about my body lately. As long as I continue to workout vigorously and consistently, I'll be fine. Just keep telling myself that, and it'll be ok. Because it really is ok. I don't drink that much, anyways. This'll probably be the only time this week that I drink because I don't plan on going out-out this weekend (partly because Ania won't be in town, partly because I want a break and do other non-drinking activities, say the movies maybe??). Of course, I could try going out sober for the first time, and work on my communicative/social skills...it's the perfect time to act crazy without being under the influence because everyone will just think you're drunk, just like them!! So we'll see....but I can already tell you what my answer is going to be...

I'll keep you my dirty little secret...

I was actually thinking about working out for a second time today. Just for like 15 minutes. But still. And I was also thinking about doing 15 minutes in the morning and then having my regular workout in the afternoon. This is really starting to scare me...do I really hate my body that much? I do sometimes, and I was when I was actually thinking about doing this. But I decided it would be best if I didn't because I already had a decent workout today, and I don't need to workout again. I'M NOT FAT. SO WHY DO I KEEP THINKING THESE THINGS??? I was so close to becoming a crazed-workout person...I'm on the verge of something very scary--I just know I am. Ever since the mono has screwed me up...I keep saying it's the mono. But is it really? Yes, it played a really huge role--I wasn't able to workout for sooo long after working out every single day. But now I'm getting back on track, except it's different this time. It's not controlling me like it used to. Or like I controlled myself with it. I give myself breaks (and I at least try and convince myself as best as I can that it's ok to do so). I'm letting myself indulge in foods every now and then that I wouldn't let myself eat (mainly because I didn't have a desire to do so). I still don't have much of a desire, but I'm learning that it's ok every once in a while. Or am I? Because everytime I have a piece of birthday cake or a some ice cream (it's not often at all), I have to keep repeating to myself that it's ok, you're not going to gain any weight from this. It's one time. IT'S ONLY ONE TIME. BUT WHY DO I FEEL SO GUILTY STILL??? Take yesterday...granted, I was a little drunk, but I ate so much food (well, more than I normally do at least). Actually, it wasn't that much...it's Ania's potato salad that's getting to me. It's something that I actually don't like, nor ever even had tried until I had some of hers. Yesterday I didn't really have a problem with eating it at all, justifying it as my treat. But in combination with a lot of beer (95 calories each, and who knows how much I drank), I feel really disgusted about it now. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and I like what I see and don't have a problem. But then again, like how I feel right now, I feel absolutely disgusting. There's no way that I can fit into those jeans right now, and I'm not even going to try because I'd start crying. But that's a stupid way to judge because they're a pair of jeans, and every single pair of jeans I own fits me differently, and one size in one brand might be too big or vice-versa. I can't remember the last time I felt this way about myself. The unhappiness with my life is gone, but it's just been replaced by this horrible body-image I have of myself right now. It's the (small, but nonetheless) weight gain. Probably around 5 pounds, but you have to understand that it's been over 2 years since I've had this much fat on me! Everyone would look at me like I'm crazy and say, what fat?? I KNOW!!! SO WHY CAN'T I SEE THAT MYSELF?? Why do I constantly find myself in this battle with myself? One minute I like it, then another I hate it. This is really not good at all. And the thing is, I know it's for the better (having gained some weight). I used to fluctaute between 98-102 pounds just 7-8 months ago...it's since I started drinking and then it was definitely the mono and it's freaking 4-5 month recovery...I'm still not even sure if I'm 100% better yet. It just really messed me up...I was doing so well, then I just saw my body change, even as slight as it was, it seems like a huge difference to me. Whereas I never used to compare myself to anyone, I am now constantly looking around at other girls and being like how can they stay that small when they're out and they drink a lot, and how come I can't?? No, I know I can, it's just been getting back to my exercise intensity level--it was sooo high before...I was running 5 miles in under 40 minutes! I haven't been able to do that yet...at least I haven't tried. Maybe I'll try doing that tomorrow, or at least get as close to it as I can, and maybe it will help boost my self-image. But if I don't, will I be disappointed in myself??? It's just a never ending cycle that just keeps speeding up faster and faster...pretty soon I might fly off if I don't start slowing down.

Say anything, but say what you mean

Procrastination is my new best friend as of lately. I don't know what's with me, but I just do not want to study or work on papers or even be in class...not that I ever really want to be in class, but my desire to skip has increased dramatically. And I'm probably going to be paying for all this soon (like Tuesday, when I have a test that I haven't studied for, nor have I really kept up with the material--I know, I'm such a bad girl!). But, I am just a page away (or more like a couple of paragraphs) from being finished with my international conflict research paper. Thank goodness!!! But, once I'm done with that, I have another 15 page one I gotta get on. The life of a college student...I really don't understand how people can write theses and dissertations and all that kind of "academic" stuff...I have absolutely no desire or want to do any of that. That's one reason why I'm not going to grad school next year...I need a break from all that stuff! I just really hate doing research, and especially combining that research into a paper. So I've gotta briefly mention this...on Halloween, I went with Ania to a fraternity date function (her roommate took both of us as his dates, lucky him...). Anyways, remember Andrew from last spring? I know I wrote about it, because he was the guy that I made out with like crazy the first night Ania and I went out at that crush. Well, he was there, and once I'd gotten a little drunk, I got the crazy idea that I really wanted to make out with him!! He just looked so cute, and he was there. Well, sorta, because he had a date, who he didn't like, by the way. I know he SO wanted to make out with me, because he kept staring/looking at me the ENTIRE night!! I think what I enjoyed most about it was getting a kick out of the fact that he wanted me so bad, lol!! But I did get frustrated because of his stupid date...I wanted what I couldn't have. That was what was really behind it all. Ok, time to get ready for bed (and to do a little reading??).