Baby, take me on a journey...

I might be going to Miami this weekend! It's totally spontaneous...Ania called me up today and was like, "do you want to go to Miami with me this weekend..." and I was like, ummm, ok! Seriously, I think it would be so much fun. My only concern is about getting back in time for work on Tuesday. So wish I didn't have a job right now, or at least I had time that I could take off! But Ania said we'd come home Monday night. But I'm worried about that because...the game is that night, and we probably would be drinking that day....I want to make it home alive! It seriously is a big concern and something to really think about, because it's such a long drive and the roads are going to be crowded because it's Labor Day weekend. And people die during this holiday. I don't want to be one of them. Soooooooo...we'll see if it actually pans out, and if I will be able to go afterall...

Baby don't be gentle, I can handle anything...

Ok, so maybe I overreacted last night (surprise!). The truth is, I don't regret not going to grad school. At least I don't think I do. It's never what I wanted to do in the first place. What I'm doing now is a really great opportunity for me, and I know it will pay off in the future. Plus, it's pretty nice making my own money. And I can continue to go out on the weekdays like I've been doing. Maybe not every week, or 3 or 4 times a week. But I can still do it. And my weekend didn't completely suck. It was nothing exciting, but I got a lot of things done that I needed to do. So that's not a bad thing. And now I'm all rested and ready to go out this week and have fun. I just wish I didn't have to get up so early in the mornings!!

And we can't waste no time, living life this way

Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I should have gone to grad school instead of getting a job. I just feel so lonely and so left out. I can't not go out. Especially when I want to go out and not stay in. I just can't lose having a social life. Because I finally have one. That's the only way I'm around people my age. The only way I can meet people. The only way I may ever finally find a guy who wants to date me. For real. The weekends are the only days that I can really let loose. Where I can sleep in and not worry about any responsibilities the next day. I'll end up going out next week, but it'll be different. I'll have to worry about the time and about how much I'm drinking. I guess the only good thing about my not going out tonight is that I save myself all those calories. And I can use all the help I can get right now, especially since all that drinking and my messed up schedule because of work have caught up with me. And I'm feeling really insecure about it. I think Ania's mad at me. Why she would be, I have absolutely no clue. But she won't answer her phone, when I know she doesn't have anything going on, and she won't call me back. It sucks. It really, really sucks. And so does my weekend.

I know you see me looking at you when you already know...

It was weird. Last night was the first night I didn't go out in a long time. But no one else did, either, because of sorority rush. So it's not like I felt like I was missing out. Because that's definitely why I've been going out so much. Well, one of the reasons. I feel like people know me, they recognize me, which is cool. And I have friends. And a social life. Because that is so important to me right now. I never had a social life before a year and a half ago, and I finally do. I really feel like I do now more than ever. Like everyone is not just Ania's friend, but mine too. I also go out because I want to meet people. Especially guys. Which I do. Not that it's always a good thing. In fact, that's probably the last place I want to meet someone--when they're drunk and they only want one thing. And it hasn't worked out yet. At least so far. But maybe it will at some point, because I honestly don't know where else I'd meet someone. Certainly not at work, because I work with 4 other people! I just hope I can keep it up--going out and working. Of course, I could just wait for the weekends, but I'd be missing sooooo much. And I'd hate to think about not having fun out with my friends. So, why didn't I just stay in school, you might ask...That's exactly the reason why people go to grad school. But I'd still would have had to get a part time job, because I need the experience, and I don't think I'd be able to handle that and school. But I've been ok so far. A few times I've been a little hungover, but it wasn't anything I couldn't manage. There's just too much that goes on. Eventually, I might have to cut back a bit, but I'm gonna keep on doing what I've been doing. That doesn't mean neccessarily going out every single tuesday or thursday in addition to friday and saturday, because I can't believe I do it sometimes. Plus, I don't want to drink so much anymore. Haha, that'a funny. But anyways, I have nothing to write about, which is why I'm going on about this, which is completely lame!

Don't get caught up...

Ok, so I was just re-reading an earlier post and almost died because...the guy I was just talking about happens to be him! And boy have my feelings changed! Well, at least I think they have. I'm talking about Ryan...I guess I have a little crush on him now. All I know is that I want to see him again, to talk to him, to get to know him. I can't explain it. I'm trying not to read too much into it or to get too far ahead of myself, like I always seem to do. But it's just been so...so weird between us. Not "weird" in a bad way, but in a good way. Like how we always end up seeing each other everywhere we go (of course, that could be because he goes out as excessively as I do), but there's just this tension, this attraction that we both can't resist. So I'm just going to see what happens. And try to not get upset if nothing happens. Because that's what I told myself the next day, that it was fun and we have a great time together, and if he wants to get to know me more, great. If not, it's not the end of the world. Let's see if I can hold myself to those words...

Don't let the bullshit rock your world

This is going to be the absolute longest day ever! There's no one here in the office today, and I have nothing to do! And I still have 6 1/2 hours to go :( I still can't get used to this. But I guess eventually I will...I did it again this weekend. Something I probably shouldn't have done, but it was the heat of the moment and I really didn't care. And now, all I think about is him. It's going to be another one that I just can't have. There's definitely an attraction, but the thing is, I don't know what he wants. And most likely, he doesn't want anything more than what it was. Not that it wasn't good. Or fun. But, he is a guy. And in his last year of college. Hell, it doesn't matter what year they're in. They're all the same. They never want anything else, unless it's with someone else. I'm not starting to throw a pity party or anything, but I've come to the realization that guys just don't want a relationship with me. Why? It's beats the hell out of me. And I've accepted the fact about what I do. I don't have to, but I certainly apparently want to. And unless I start hating myself, then I probably won't stop. But I should definitely slow down....I just want to talk to him so bad!!!

It's just too little, too late

Why? Why can't I find someone? Why do they have to lead me on? I'm not a freaking idiot. I know when someone is checking me out/interested....and I know when they're not. Make up your fucking mind. Because I'm not going to put up with it. I'm soooooo much better than any of these fucking guys that I come across. Just when, please just tell me when, I will meet one that changes my mind? Because I don't see that happening any time soon. Or ever in my lifetime.