Kiss me at midnight, dance until the morning light...party into the new year!

A second has been added to our lives. Yes, it's true. It happened at exactly 7pm eastern time. It's only one second, but that's one more second that we get to live.

It's New Year's Eve. Only 5 more hours left of 2005. And I'll be ringing it in at a party. Thank goodness I have plans. Because otherwise it would be a very, very sad and unhappy night. I may not know many people at this party and I'm going alone, but I'm determined to have fun. Nothing will ruin my night. And who cares if there's no one to kiss me at midnight? It's out with the old and in with the new! A new year for new guys. Not going back to any of the ones from this past year. There really were quite a few, weren't there? I went from 0 to 4 in a matter of months, from 0 to I've lost count for the number of kisses I've had. Overall, it's been a really good year. But I really don't feel like reflecting on it right now. I only have 3 hours to get ready for tonight!!!

Ooo boy you lookin' like you like what you see

December 29, 2005

Only 2 more days left in the year. That’s really weird if you think about it. Another year coming to an end, only to begin anew. It ends, but it doesn’t. I don’t usually think of the start of the New Year as “new” in the sense that I have a new beginning. Because you really don’t. It’s just a part of the continuum. I’m more used to a new year starting in the fall, coinciding with the start school. I hate how at this time of year everyone is making resolutions to lose weight, get healthy, eat right, etc. It’s so annoying. Why wait until the date changes? Why not today? But hey, as long as you stick with it, then go for it. But those resolutions just don’t seem to last. Speaking of resolutions…hmmm…should I make any? I don’t typically make them. Not like a list, at least. Just in a general sense. I’ll think about it.

December 30, 2005

It is the most gorgeous day ever today. Well, maybe not ever, but for the end of December, it’s so nice. I’m in Pensacola, too. And we’re going to be going to the beach to visit my granddad in a little while. I wish it wasn’t so late so I could go out and layout on the beach! But I’m going to go out there anyway, bathing suit or not. I don’t want it to get cold again. It always does this though. For Christmas it’s cold, but then afterwards, it gets warm for a week or so until new year’s. Then it’ll get cold again. So I’ve decide I’ve got 1 and a half days left now, and I’m putting it all behind me. For good. I had the weirdest dream about him last night. We were on something like a date, but everything had already happened between us, and we both knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. It was so awkward. The dream was completely out of nowhere, because I haven’t been obsessing over him for a while. Yeah, for a while. That’s an improvement at least from recently when I was about to make a huge mistake! I haven’t even looked at his facebook page! I know! The last time I looked, I think it was Monday, and I saw he had a comment from that stupid girl saying she missed him. I immediately closed the browser. It made me sick. Not exactly sad, maybe a little hurt, but I just didn’t care to see any of it. Not now, not ever, so that’s why I haven’t gone back. I don’t want to do that to myself. It hurts too much. And besides, there’s no reason to. I’m going to try and keep it up. Maybe that’s what is needed to keep me away. It’s going to be a little hard, though, with the dates that are coming up really soon. It will be a year since I met him next Sunday. And our first date will soon follow. I just can’t think about it. That’s simply it. I have been thinking about the memories. But that’s all I have. Memories. And these memories are better than the reality, unfortunately. But it’s ok. He’s gone, it’s through. It’s been through for a long time. I just don’t want to completely let go. But you can’t completely let go. It’s impossible because there will always be that memory of him, the experience of being with him. I wonder sometimes whether it would have been better to never had met him. But then I think, no it wouldn’t. I don’t regret it. He was a huge part of my year last year, and my growth. Would I have ever gone to Gainesville that night? Wanted to go out that Wednesday night that I asked Ania to go out with me? I’ll never know. But I do know, everything that happened, despite how it turned out, was worth it. Because look at me now.

The first night that we slept with the light on...

That last post is from Christmas Eve. I didn't have access to the internet to post it at the time, and I just now got around to doing it. My stupid CD burner is driving me nuts. It works sometimes, but mostly it just wastes blank cds by messing up during the middle of a burn. I'm going out of town tomorrow and wanna burn a cd for the trip. It better work in the morning. Yeah, so I'm going to Pensacola with my dad and sister to see Gramme since she couldn't come over here for Christmas. Not exactly thrilled about going, but I guess it gives me something to do other than nothing at home. Although I am trying to get organized and get rid of all the junk that I don't need and is just sitting around taking up space. It's really bothering me. And I'm trying to find ideas for my "new" room. I'll end up changing it probably at the beginning of summer. I know it's a long time, so why am I doing it now? Well, it's a good thing I'm starting because it's gonna take forever to decide what I want it to look like! Finding bedding alone is not going to be fun. It's one of those occasions where I know exactly what I want, but I don't...a "know it when I see it" kind of deal. It'll either be for my current place, or perhaps a new place if I end up somewhere else. Which isn't likely to happen, but you never know. I certainly don't at this point. Anything can happen, especially when your number one priority will be to get a real job. Scary. So....New Years. As of now, I do have some plans. And hopefully nothing will change them (at least, nothing for the worst...if something, or more like someone else, comes along, then they might). A girl that was on the dance team with me is having a party. We had a little dance team reunion on Monday night, and everyone except for her as it turns out is going out of town for that day, which sucks. She originally didn't have plans, so the yesterday I facebooked her and asked her if she wanted to do something since I knew she was in the same position as me. She decided that she's going to have a party, and that's where I'm gonna go. It should be fun--it's a formal dress party, so I finally get to wear this black dress that I've had since spring. I am a little nervous, because I don't know if I'll know anyone else there. Well, I probably will since I'm sure there'll be lots of people from high school. But who cares? It'll test my abilities, which I need lots of practice for since I'm throwing myself back into the sorority. And the countdown begins...

I wanna be your lover, but baby you can't behave

This is the second time I'm writing this because as I was writing the first time, my program froze, and I was unable to save it unfortunately. But at least it wasn't much. Anyways, I am at home, spending the first night in what must be forever at my parents' house. It's the day before Christmas eve, and I just decided to go home a day early. Why not? It's weird because I'm not sleeping in my old room; I'm in my sister's old room. My grandma's in mine, and Allison will end up sleeping somewhere around here tomorrow night and Christmas night. My excuse is that I've got to keep Chloe company. Hopefully she won't keep me up all night. She's been hiding under the bed since I brought here over here. She's not a happy kitty right now.

I was thinking earlier on the way home from the mall--yes, I went to the mall briefly this evening with my mom and grandma because she wanted to look for something...not a fun trip because she wanted to get my cousin Jennifer some clothes item for Christmas, and she has no idea what or how to pick out clothes for anyone, and it was just soooo frustrating--how I've never really seen a guy in love before. I'm beginning to wonder if they even fall in love, or experience anything like we girls do. Yeah, there are a million songs that guys sing about being in love and heartbreak. But I've never been around one. At least I can't think of anyone. Have I become that skeptical?? Maybe I have. Or it's just the guys that I've been around. I don't even know what my point is anymore, just that my confidence in guys and dating and love is just extremely low right now. I need someone to prove me wrong. Prove all of my skeptism wrong, show me that I'm wrong. And this is one thing I wouldn't be mad about being wrong about. I want to be wrong. I don't want to be right this time. I've been right so far for too long. It's time to break the cycle.

Wow. It's weird being in my sister's room right now. I've hooked my laptop up to her speakers and am listening to some new music that I downloaded last night. And just thinking. That's what I do a lot of lately. There's so much to think about, though. Way too much because it's been hindering my ability to fall asleep. The voices just won't stop. One thought leads to another and another and another. And it just won't end. Eventually it does, only to start right back up once I wake up.

the sea changes colors, but the sea does not change

Wasted another evening on the computer. This time checking out and looking for new music. I did just watch a movie. Woo.

I want you to want me

Then I go and realize what in the world am I thinking?? No. Just simply no. way. He makes me feel so incredibly dumb. He doesn't CARE about me. He doesn't THINK about me. So WHY would I want HIM??? And the answer is I know I really don't. I just want what I can't have. And because I'm lonely and I would settle for a jerk like him. No I wouldn't. I WILL NOT. Not EVER. I'm waiting for someone MUCH better. 100% better. And he will come across my path eventually. Why were we supposed to meet? So he could show me exactly what I DON'T WANT. And why I shouldn't settle for a complete loser like he is. Because a winner will not treat me like he has.

I'm so, so, so lonely. The holidays are the worst time of year for loneliness. There goes selfish me again...I don't know what lonely is...not compared to my brother's friend's parents. It will be a year ago in about an hour that he was killed in a car crash. Last year was not a happy Christmas. I don't want to make it another one. So I can choose to go one way or another. I can choose to be happy, or I can choose to be miserable and depressed. I did see my good friends tonight, which is a happy note. But I want a boyfriend. That's a sad note, because there's no one that cares for me. I don't know if I can believe that there is one person out there for me right now. I'm not looking at marraige, nor am I looking to find the love of my life (well, ok, I am, but I'm not). I just want a relationship with someone who loves me and cares about me and wants to be with me. Who wants to be with me?? NO ONE. No one ever has. They haven't stayed. Or they cheat on me (but thankfully that made me reevaluate that situation, and get me out of something that I really didn't want to be in in the first place). Your time will come, they say. Stop looking, and it'll happen. Well FUCK that. I've been listening to that my whole freaking life--since I've reached "dating age" and nothing has happened. Not until this freaking year alone!! And what has happened??? Nothing but complete heartbreak and disappointment. I better be getting it all out of the way now. But I'm not. Maybe I'm just one of those people destined to be alone. Or won't find someone until they're 35, which completely sucks. All I want is to have a boyfriend of more than a month (which you can't really get much accomplished in a month) before I graduate college. Frankly, I will not be meeting the love of my life here, nor any future possibilities for husbands. Guys here suck. All they want is to hookup, and that's it. But that's guys everywhere. Especially college guys. Why do the ones that don't want anything find me?? Yeah, and New Years is gonna suck, too. Not only will I not have someone to kiss at midnight, but I will be at home, crying and depressed, because as of now, I have no plans. But that's not because I can't figure out what I want to do. It's because there's NO ONE TO DO ANYTHING WITH. That's what I want for Christmas. Friends. For New Years especially. Just give me someone to go out with and get drunk with, and I'll be happy (well, I've got to approve...I do have standards). Why is it like this for me?? I don't deserve this.

And if it takes all night, I'll wait until the daylight to see that we just don't belong

Do you ever feel like you're just supposed to meet certain people? No matter how bad the experience may be with them? It's never obvious at first, and it usually becomes apparent much later. But they become your weakness. You can't say no. Or it's incredibly difficult to. They just get under your skin, and you wonder why this person makes you feel this way. They don't go away, either. Some way or another, they just come back into your life after being gone like they never existed. Except that they did, and that they do every single day of your life. No matter how hard you try to deny them, they're just there. Inside you. They've taken a piece of you hostage and all you want to do is get your freedom back. They test your resolve. They make you wonder how you could ever be so stupid, or why you just cannot learn. But then again, they make you stronger, wiser. And you do learn; you just choose to ignore the lesson for the instant gratification of knowing they're thinking about you. You vow to never go back, to never lower your standards, that someone else much better is out there for you. And you believe that you believe it. But you really do. Sometimes. Most of the time. But then the loneliness sinks in...

If it's alright, I'll stay until it's later until you tell me that it's time that we moved on

Christmas just doesn't seem the same anymore. Not since I started picking out my presents, which started about 2 years ago. The same goes for birthdays, but that's another story. It's good in that you get exactly what you want since you picked it out, but it takes all the surprise out when opening presents on Christmas morning. I guess I feel guilty, too. For wanting things. For getting some of the things that I want, more specifically. Especially when I know I don't need it or shouldn't get it because money is tight. And how bad is this: I need work/business clothes for my internship in the spring, but I don't want it to be a part of my present. Do I feel horrible or what when my mom says she needs more to wrap up, or asks if she can wrap up a pair of pants or dress shirts. I can be so selfish. But I haven't asked for anything because there's nothing that I really, really want. Nothing that I can't live without. I should be thinking about the future. Spring break, for one. I want to go somewhere, but that's gonna cost money. And I'm doing the sorority again. There goes $2000. And graduation...I can't even mention that I want to go to Europe or travel. It's not going to happen because there's no way I can afford it. Part of my guilt comes from the fact that I don't have a job, nor have I ever had a job. So no income to contribute. During the school year, that's understandable. But I've wasted every summer doing absolutely nothing. And I'm not just talking about not working. I mean not doing anything like studying abroad, which I kinda wish I had done. I feel a little jealous when I hear people are doing that or have done it. I've just been lost. I haven't known what to do, and cannot seem to figure it out. And I'm still pretty lost. What in the world am I going to do after graduation? Obviously get a job, but doing what?? I absolutely HATE it when people ask me what I'm going to do. I know they're just being polite or curious, but it's annoying because I don't have an answer other than I don't know. I definitely know it's not school. I probably should, but I just cannot do it. Mentally, physically...I'm just drained. I've killed myself working so hard for nothing ever since high school. It's time for a break. To move onto something new and different. I just hate how I'm going to waste another 3 weeks doing nothing again. Especially since I'm going to spend it pretty much alone. AHHHHH there I go again, choking back the urge to cry. Why do I do this to myself???? It's a mystery. One that I don't think I'm ever going to figure out.

something about your lips, something about your kiss...

Today was a lazy day. It's been raining nonstop. And it's freezing outside. So, it was a perfect opportunity to do nothing but lay in bed all afternoon and watch tv. But I did have a very good workout. And I went out to dinner with my mom and brother. So I technically didn't do nothing. I looked sooo good tonight. So of course I used it as another opportunity to take a million pictures of myself. But hey, they're for facebook, lol...I am so OBSESSED with taking pictures...of myself. Yes, it sounds really conceited. Maybe it is. But I don't care. It's fun. And I like to see what I look like. And tonight I didn't really care if I didn't go out because of the nasty weather. But I kinda wish I had...

Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying

Last night=miserable and depressed. Today=still feeling sad. Tonight=another night all alone at home. And the rest of the break will be the same. Last night Ania and I were supposed to go out and celebrate finals being over and have our last night out of the semester before she went home. But she calls me and tells me that afternoon that she's not going to go out because she doesn't have any money. I understand that. But I'd pay for her. I already had the liquor to drink beforehand, and it's nothing she would have to pay for. I understand that she was extremely tired because she hasn't slept all week. But that's not my fault. I'm not the one who waited until the last minute to study. She was supposed to call me later yesterday evening and we'd hangout. She never calls. I call her. She doesn't pick up. I'm absolutely soooo sad and crying. I have no one else to call to see who's going out. I'm sick of having to be the one to invite people to do things. They apparently don't ever think of me or want to hang out with me, or else they'd call me and invite me to do something once in awhile. I put in all the effort. For what? For nothing. I always end up feeling like the third wheel, anyways. Like I don't belong. Like I'm just tagging along and not really apart of everything. And it sucks. It sucks not having other friends to go out with. Last night I refused to call anyone. Tonight I succumbed to a few. But to no avail. I'm so desperate I put up an away message asking for people to call me if they wanted to go out. Obviously that didn't work. So I'm stuck at home once again. I guess I could ask my sister if she wanted to go see a movie. But there's nothing I want to waste $7 bucks on. I'd rather spend that on alcohol. Shows you where my priorities are. Maybe it'll be alright that I don't go out. It doesn't seem like people are going to be going out. Everyone's gone home, too. Or have they? Of course they probably haven't tonight, the one night that they're still here I won't be going out. I'm kinda losing the mood to go out now, anyways. It's just not worth the effort of finding someone to go out with. And I'm already on and off tearing up about it. I don't think I'd be in a good mood, or able to get in a good mood. It shouldn't be this hard. I wish I wasn't so alone.

Can we throw away all the casual?

Once again, my brain has reached the point that it is fried. I can take no more. I just end up staring blankly at the page, wondering what the heck I am looking at. It always happens around exam time. Well, any really important test. The essay ones, especially. Those are the ABSOLUTE worst. I hate them with a passion. Give me multiple choice. So much better. That way I don't have to memorize a million identification terms and possible answers to essay questions. And it's my last exam. WHY?? At the very end. That's when they always come. The last ones. Oh, so you'd think that would be good since it gives you more time to study. WRONG! Because by the time it comes around, you want to be done. No more studying, so you don't end up studying as much. At least I don't because it just becomes too much. I also start before the night before the exam, which is also why I'm ready to not study anymore. I just get so sick of it. Not to mention the headaches, speaking of which I've got a major one right now. Yeah, so I'm not going out after all. Ania called me today and was like, let's go to AJ's, and I agreed, but she wasn't 100 percent sure it would happen. And as the day went on, I kept wondering if it would be a good idea. I'm not worried about my one tomorrow. I just didn't want to be hungover tomorrow so I couldn't study. But problem is solved because I'm not going out. I'm just as happy though. So tired and bad headache. At least now I get to sleep in tomorrow morning. Oh, wait. I have a cat. That won't happen.

And enough complaining about exams already. I know, I know. Just gotta let it out sometimes. Plus, that's all that going on.

Can we try a little more personal?

Study break. Studying really sucks, and I don't want to do it at all. And I really haven't been doing very much at all. Just three more days, and I'm done. Tomorrow night, going out. Despite having a final the next day. But this time it's at 12:30pm instead of 7:30am. So that's so much better. And then there's Thursday, which will be the grand finale...can't wait. I just need to watch how much I drink. I was hungover ALL weekend. Especially Sunday. And it was not fun at all. But the night before it was! Friday I had a little break down...first occuring before I started drinking over a parking issue, then culminating at the end of the night big time while I was drunk. I was so upset. And to make matters worse, I was on Ania's back porch, and went to go inside and see her, and I smacked right into her glass door, not knowing it wasn't open. And I hit that thing hard. It wasn't really swollen or anything the next day, just slightly bruised, but nothing noticeable. But yeah, I admit that I ran into a glass door. But hey, at least I was drunk!

Cause perfect never felt so perfect

I don't know what it is, but it must be something to do with the holidays. I just feel so incredibly lonely right now. And it's not just the lonely in the sense that I wish I had a boyfriend (I mean, I do, but it's more than that). It's just an all-around lonesome feeling. Ania jokes around sometimes, and I know she doesn't mean anything bad by it or to hurt me, and it really doesn't bother me until times like these, but there really are only two people that call me: my mom and Ania. That's it. I don't know why I'm always looking at my phone to see who's called, or more like, who hasn't, because there's nobody else to call me. And that's the problem. Especially when I want to do things when Ania's busy or doesn't want to do anything. There's no one for me to call, either. At least, no one I feel like making the effort with anymore. I'm sick of it. I understand in the beginning of a friendship, that might be how it is. But after a certain point, it gets annoying, and discouraging because you feel like they don't want to hang out with you in the first place unless you end up calling, or I'll end up tagging along or something. Where this is coming from, is somewhere deep inside me, because it hasn't happened to me recently or anything. It reminds me of the summer big time. And middle semester last year right before I met Ania. I love Ania to death, and wouldn't trade her for the world--she's my best friend--but I can't always rely on her, because she won't always be there. And I shouldn't have to end up staying home and not doing anything just because she's not available. It definitely has happened this semester. There are just things that I want to do, to experience, but it's just so hard to do them because I don't want to do them alone. So I don't end up doing them because I don't have anyone there to do them with me. I just want to go out. My time is limited. I think that's part of it now. Subconsciously, it's starting to hit me--graduating in the Spring--and all the things I want to do and experience, well the time is running out. And I feel I'm even more rushed than ever because I wasted so much time in the past. I had so many plans for this semester. It hasn't turned out bad at all, and I've had a lot of fun. But there was more I wanted to do, but as usually, I don't end up following through. It's that stupid potential of mine that's just waiting for the push to let that ball roll down the hill. And it's not just about going out and drinking. I honestly can't do it all the time, both mentally and physically. But I want people to just hang out with and do nothing with. I do that a lot with Ania, but not as much as I'd like. That's partly my fault, as I tend not to want to stay up too late when I have class the next day if I don't have to. But maybe that's just what I need to do. That's like tonight, where I could have gone to the library to study with Ania. I'm not a fan of the library to study...I need my privacy and complete silence and no one around so I can talk out loud when I study (which is the best way for me). But I probably could have sucked it up and gone. But it was raining. And it's cold. And I was tired. And I didn't want to have to drive all the 10 minutes there and find stupid parking. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I sure do make a lot of them. Here I am, so sad and worried about not having time before the semester ends, and I could have been doing something. And it's what I ultimately want to do: just to get myself out there and be seen, that hey, I'm alive, look at me. Not for anyone in particular; quite the opposite really. To find new people, ok, mainly guys. But how else are you supposed to do it?? If no one sees me, then I can't meet anyone. Not that I'd end up meeting anyone anyways, but it's just getting myself out there. That's what I've been trying to do all along. Maybe I need to move away somewhere, be on my own again. Scary thought, definitely. But I let fear rule my life, my decisions. There are so many things, so many opportunities that I've missed and could have done had I not been so scared or thought I couldn't do it. It's time to stop being so afraid, because really, what is there to be afraid of? I want to go active in KD in the spring. At least part of me wants to. But I have so many reservations. One, I don't know if I can aford it (it's a ridiculous $2000! most of it is for the meal plan, which is a HUGE turnoff because I'm very picky about what I eat, both in general and for health reasons). Two, and this is also a very big concern of mine: making friends. Sure, I know some faces, and some names, and some girls very superficially by this point (it's those that actually remember me from when I transferred last fall...ok, so facebook helps, too). And it's not about having tons of them. I'd just like one or two girls who want to hang out with me, people that will call me and invite me to do things, instead of the other way around. That's my biggest fear about the whole situation. I know I'll regret it if I don't do it, because I've come to miss it, especially since Ania joined a sorority this year and living it through her. And I've grown so much since I first transferred. But I just don't know if I'll be able to fit in, or find some friends. I never felt like I fit in in the first place, and I'm afraid I'll end up hating it again and being absolutely miserable. And it wouldn't be a cheap thing to find out. It's just been on my mind the past couple days, and it's weighing very heavily with me. It's not causing stress like it once did, but it's definitely causing some anxiety. I just don't know what to do.

All I want for Christmas is....you!

What is it with me lately? Today was another day where I came so incredibly close, no dangerously close is more like it, to making a suggestion to someone...hmmm, and I wonder what that could be about...but I didn't. All day though, ALL DAY, it's been on my mind. One thing, and one thing only. And with one person only! At the height of it, I was about to write him a facebook message. But then when reality got a hold of me, there was NO WAY I could ever go through with it. For one, it'd look like I wanted him. Two, it would look like I wanted to do that with him, when I really just wanted it. Three, I'd seem desperate, and there's the risk of him rejecting me, like I did to him the last time. And I could never face him again if I did that. Plus, there's the embarassment of realizing how stupid I was after I sent it and wished I hadn't. And I kinda like having the last word with us: being the one who showed him I didn't WANT him like that. Rejecting him that night was one of the most empowering feelings I've had when it comes to him. No, I do not want to sleep with you, and why do you assume I will?? Sorry, you can beg all you want, but it's not going to happen. But it's funny now how I want it so bad, I was about to make myself look sooo pathetic. But I didn't and I haven't and I won't. As long as I keep his number away, and don't send any messages, I'm good. The funny thing is, I actually thought that's all it could be: just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. Not wanting anything from him. Well, that's pretty much because that's what I'd get for it: nothing. That's Adam. And that's us. I wasn't expecting anything, because I knew there'd be nothing there. Maybe that's why I thought I could do it: I knew exactly what I was getting into. But how much would I be settling and letting myself down??? SOOOOO MUCH! I want to wait for someone who's worth it, not someone who only wants me for sex. Why would I even think about doing that to myself? I guess maybe because I'm feeling a little lonely? Could be. I'm definitely in a drought. It's been probably 6 weeks since I've kissed a guy, and it was a month before that. Where's all the guys this semester? There have been, let's see, 3 guys this semster. Only 3! How many were there last semster? Too many too count! I kissed way more guys this summer than I have in the past 3 months! And I was sick with mono the majority of the time! I mean, who needs sex...I don't...I just want to makeout. And cuddle. That's really all I want.

ewww...and please get out of my head! I really need a new guy! soooo bad...

Santa can you hear me? I have been so good this year...

NO MORE SCHOOL!!!! nooooooooooo! Just kill me now! I'm going crazy...

I am soooo bored with my life. I really need to find something to do. Time for bed.