Confetti falling down all night...

M - Success comes easily to you.
A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
L - Love is something you deeply believe in.
L - Love is something you deeply believe in.
O - You are very open-minded.
R - You are a social butterfly.
Y - You cause a lot of trouble.

All the way up until the letter R describes me...I have been having the WEIRDEST and most CREEPYIST dreams I've had in a long, long time. And some of them have the most random people in them. I don't know...they're just freaking me out some. I could not fall asleep last night. I was over at Chris's, and since he's a "night owl" (as he calls himself), he was up late playing music and watching tv and being on facebook (that boy is OBSESSED!!! I can't get him off the darn thing!). And despite being incredibly tired, I could not go to sleep. Eventually I did, but like 3 hours later than I wanted to. I didn't want to sleep half the day again, but I did...that's the story of my life...sleeping. I do way too much of it these days. And I'm bored as anything at the moment. Have no idea what to do. I need to work out in a little while, but I'm gonna have to eat lunch first, since I'm getting hungry. I really need to start drinking less. It's beginning to worry me. I didn't last night, but on Sunday I said I wasn't going to, but then we ended up going out, and I just can't seem to enjoy myself without having a buzz (at least) with everyone else drunk and all the nasty smoke and everything...but I'll be going out again tonight. I'm gonna try to just have a max of 3 drinks. That actually usually does get me feeling pretty good most of the time...I just have more because it's something to do--you have it in your hand....Well, I may have a boyfriend who will be going to jail soon...hopefully that will NOT happen. He missed one of his work days today, and I was under the impression that if he missed one more, he'd be going to jail for 30 days. What happened was that he got into a fight one night while being incredibly wasted (this was before I met him, for if I had known...). All I can say is he will no longer be my boyfriend if he ends up in jail--I don't care for how long it is. I can just see it: "Do you have a boyfriend?" "Yeah...he's in jail." Just what I want. Me dating a bad boy...who would've thought...except he isn't normally...but still, not the type that I would usually go for. My feelings are still mixed...I'm starting to wonder if I should stay with him or not. I like him, but not at all as much as he likes me. I don't like how he asks me if I can see myself with him in 2, 3, and so on months to years...WHOA--SLOW DOWN!!! I either stay silent or tell him I can't guarantee it, because I can't. I don't know if I'm in it for the right reasons...I think what I like most is having someone who wants to spend time with me. And I don't want to hurt him...but I don't want to lose him at the same time. I shouldn't stay with him just because I don't want to not have anyone again, because that's not fair--to him or to me. Maybe things will fall into place. I might just need to give it a little bit more time. But if it doesn't happen, it might be time to say goodbye.

Everyone has a secret, oh can they keep it...

My favorite quotes from Angus, Thongs, and Full-frontal Snogging!

"Jackie looked a bit puzzled (who wouldn't?) but she kept coming nearer and suddenly with a yell I grabbed her arm and twisted it right up her back. I don't know how. But I was doing it for the little people everywhere (I don't mean dwarfs--I just mean, you know, vulnerable people)."

"I love life!!! Jas has just phoned to say we've been invited to a party at Katie Steadman's and...Katie has asked Tom and Robbie. YESSSSS!!!! I must have done a good job of being nice to Katie. WHAT ON EARTH CAN I WEAR??? Emergency, emergency! It's only a couple weeks away."

"I am cock of the walk. (I don't know what the girl equivalent of "cock" is...surely it can't be "vagina." I am vagina of the walk doesn't have the same ring to it, somehow...)" ---> one of my absolute favs!!! I just died of laughter when I read it for the first time!

...more to come later!

Like love from a drunken sky

I admit it: I am actually listening to a country song. Yes, it's true. The girl who never listens to country ever. But I know I've heard this song somewhere before, and I liked it, and it didn't sound country at all. It's Tim McGraw's "She's my kind of rain." It's probably been out forever now, but I just recently discovered it, because like I said, I am not a country girl at all. But I like this song. It's really pretty. Ok, enough of that. Did nothing but sleep today. I know, how lame. I didn't exactly enjoy it--I felt guilty, like I should be doing something else--something productive. What that would be, who knows? But, I was kinda hungover and had a headache. I didn't come home from Chris's until 2pm. I ate and was awake for a little while, then around 4pm, I decided to take a little nap...which turned into 3 hours! Haven't done much since. I can't believe they're showing Titanic on NBC right now. I've got it on, but I'm not watching it anymore. I watched some of the middle parts--the most romantic scenes in my opinion. I haven't seen that movie in forever. I think the last time I watched it was when they played it on tv the last time, whenever that was. I want to do something outside tomorrow. I don't know if Chris is working. I hope he's not, so maybe we can do something. My mom was funny when she called me today. She asked me if he was working tomorrow, and I said I didn't know, because I don't. And then she whispers, "Are you still together?" I'm like, yeah...I asked her why she asked that and she said it was because I didn't know whether or not he was working tomorrow! Ok, first off, I don't have to know everything the boy is doing at every moment of the day. I just haven't asked him yet if he was working, and he hasn't mentioned it to me yet, either. It's not like he knows everything I'm doing, either. I mean, come on...it's only been 2 weeks now...She's starting to annoy me with all of her questions. She's always asking what I did--wanting to know specifics...and I get annoyed because I don't feel the need to tell her. She doesn't need to know everything. If there's something I want her to know, I'll tell her. It's as simple as that. I mean, I understand that she wants to know what's going on in my life, and I appreciate the interest, but asking me where, what, who, when, why everytime...it's irritating me! She even told me once that it's ok if I don't tell her some things, because she didn't tell her mother everything at my age, either. Okay...so why is she doing this now? It's like ever since I told her something that I absolutely did not even have to inform her of, she wants to everything I do with Chris. And right now, did I mention, it's bugging me?!! I suppose it will wear off soon...as soon as she realizes I don't want to tell her everything. And I better know what that guy I'm dating is doing, otherwise, you can worry that it might be over...hahaha...

Listen to your heart when he's calling to you

I can't believe how incredibly unproductive I've been since school's been out. I do pretty much nothing all day. A lot of sleeping...but that's from staying up late at night! And waiting...to go out at night! I'm in the process of getting ready to go out, while watching The Patriot on tv and listening to music on and off. I'll be going over to Chris's once again...he and his roommates are getting a keg. But I won't be over there until late because he's working right now. I wish he didn't have to work at night. I can deal with during the day, but I hate having to wait so late for him to be off of work. But oh, well...I'm dealing with it. I realized that I actually missed him the other day when we hadn't seen each other for one night...it's how I'm supposed--more like want-- to be feeling. And on Thursday night, everything just felt so right. We didn't go out or anything, but just stayed in instead. I feel so comfortable around him. We just watched some tv and acted silly and laughed a lot. That's what I love...it was so perfect. The next morning, as I was waking up and laying in bed, I realized that I really like him. Which is definitely a good thing. I'm still not used to him calling me his girlfriend whenever he introduces me to his friends...it's just strange to hear those words because I've never heard them before. But it feels really nice to hear them. I just can't believe how crazy this boy is about me. It was just so out of the blue. We only met in person 2 weeks ago today! It seems like it's been so much longer though...but I guess that's because we've been spending a lot of time together. Last night we went out. I wasn't having much fun for a while because I wasn't drinking, and I wanted to drink. It took a while for me to be able to actually get myself a drink...the good thing was was that I didn't have to pay for it! I really didn't drink much at all last night. I only had 3 beers...I think that's the least amount of alcohol I've had since I've started drinking! But tonight's gonna be a different story, especially since we won't have to worry about driving or anything. Oh, what's funny is that last night when we were on our way to another party was that Chris asked me if I had a crush on Matt...he was really wasted at the time, but he asked because when he was using my facebook account, he noticed a lot of messages from Matt. He asked me about it before, but I denied it. I finally admitted that I did like him, and that he was my plan for the summer. But then I met Chris, so he doesn't have anything to worry about, unless things go awry...I don't even know if he remembers asking me that...anyways, I'm off to find something to do in the mean time...I've been feeling really inspired and creative today, so I'm gonna go think of some projects I can start of, and finally be somewhat productive!

And I will be your safety

Lalalala...not much has been going on lately. I pretty much do nothing during the day. I know it's so exciting. But I'm getting really bored. I'm (well, my dad is) looking for job opportunities for me. I want to do something worthwhile--not just menial, tedious work. I want to do something with my time that will help me figure out what I want to do with my life, or at least provide some networking for me. But so far, nothing's come up. Today I went home and started going through some old stuff that my mom has saved of ours (mainly stuff we did in elementary school). It was fun looking through that stuff. It's another prject that I'm starting. I want to get to going through the attic and garage and getting rid of all the junk and stuff we don't need anymore. I'm getting really sick of all the clutter. It's time to let go. Yeah, try telling that to my mom...Anyways, things are going well with Chris. We went out on Tuesday night. I got a little wasted...what's new! I didn't see him at all yesterday. He worked all day. And I haven't seen him yet today because he was working again. But hopefully I'll get to see him tonight. I'm sure I will, because I know he's gotta miss me...the way that boy acts around me...And I actually want to see him, too! Which is good, considering how I've been feeling lately. I'm glad I actually miss him. I want to go out tonight--it's 80's night at Potbelly's, but Chris doesn't want to spend any money. It's $5 to get in...and he doesn't have to buy any drinks. It's just so much fun. We went last Thursday and had a blast. Maybe I'll be able to convince him to go because when he told me I sounded pretty sad. I guess I always sound not alright on the phone because he always asks me if everything's alright. Everything always is...I don't know, I guess that's just the way I sound on the phone. So we'll see. If not, it's not a big deal. But I definitely have to see him tonight. Lalalala...time to finish getting ready.

This is wonderful as loving goes...

I've been in the strangest mood all day. Very irritable. And just, well...hard to explain. It was just one of those days. And I felt bad because when I talked to Chris, he kept asking me what was wrong, and I was like, nothing (which was true...nothing was bothering me, it was just the way I was feeling) and he thought that it was him and that I didn't want to see him tonight. But I did. I didn't feel like I reassured him enough on the phone, so I sent him a myspace message and a cute ecard to tell him it had nothing to do with him. I didn't really even snap out of it until after I finished reading my book. Angus, Thongs, and Full-frontal Snogging is absolutely HILARIOUS!!! I have never laughed out loud so much from reading a book. It is so clever and witty and sarcastic...it's just great. I'm going to be quoting it for a long time. Anyways, so the humor from the book livened me up a bit. Went over to Chris's for a little bit. Still not at 100%, but eventually I came around after being with him. I swear, I can't get my feelings straight with him. One minute I really like him, then another, I'm not sure how much I like him. It's weird. But when I kissed him tonight...I felt something. And just hanging out with him...we laugh a lot and play around and make fun of each other. There's just this comfort level that I've never felt before with a guy. I took him out for dinner and a movie last night. We had a nice time. It was the first night that I didn't actually stay the night with him. And tonight will be the second. Last night I was so tired and started to get a really bad headache (too much action in Star Wars!), and tonight...I would've stayed, except for my weird mood and the fact that he has to get up way too freaking early tomorrow morning and I didn't want to be woken up, even though I wouldn't have to leave then. But as I told him, "absence makes the heart grow fonder..." haha...I was just being a dork. He didn't want me to leave. I didn't really want to leave, either, but I didn't bring my stuff tonight and felt it would just be better to go home. I sorta want to sleep in my own bed...I've missed it! Although, waking up next to Chris is also very nice...But we're gonna go out tomorrow night and I promised him I'd stay then...I definitely won't be returning home if I'm drunk! So, off to bed now...I will be woken at 6 am by my alarm clock so I can call my baby to make sure he wakes up...he's got something very important to do that he cannot miss, so I'm gonna help him out. I'm such a great girlfriend.

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy...

I just got really freaked out a second ago...it seriously felt like someone had touched me, but there's no one around. I swear it felt so real, and it made me jump and scared the heck out of me. Maybe it's a ghost! Haha...Anyways, so much has happened within this past week. It's so crazy...I have a boyfriend now. Yeah, I can't believe it either. Things just went from 0 to 60 in no time flat. Things started off fast, and haven't slowed down, except for a little after I started questioning my feelings. I think it was because I was getting scared we were moving so fast. And I think the actual possibility of having a relationship was scaring me, too. It's what I've wanted for so long, yet, with it right in front of me, I wasn't sure about it. The possibility of the unknown...what could happen in the future. It got to me. But this boy is SO ABSOLUTLEY CRAZY about me! And he tells me ALL the time. He does everything right: he calls me!!! And that is huge in my book! Oh, yeah, and did I mention it's the guy that invited me to his party from myspace?!! I went with a couple of friends, met Chris in person, thought he was so cute, the party got busted by the cops, went to another party, called him to see what had happened, and ended up back at his place....and I've been with him every night since then. I'm still not totally sure about my feelings for him. I know I definitely like him. But, I need to take time to really see how much I feel for him. Again, things moved so fast, I got really confused. But I like him a lot. I'm just taking things day by day, because, as I told him, I can't guarantee the future at this point. It's too early, and I'm not totally sure how I feel. He's really afraid of getting hurt. Which is kind of ironic, since I am too, but it's he who is more worried about it than I am. But what I do know is that I'm having a lot of fun and it's so wonderful to have someone who cares about you and wants to spend time with you and to kiss you and hold you in their arms...it's what I've been waiting for. And apparently, it was long enough!!! hahaha (those who know will get it).

I said I've gotta be honest...I've been waiting for you all my life

AHHHH!!! I cannot fall asleep. I know it's early, but I was so tired, and wasn't doing anything else, so I decided to go to sleep (big night tomorrow, anyways--gonna be up all night!). But I can't seem to go to bed. My head is killing me as well. So I decided to get up and what else? Go on facebook! Yeah, I'm pathetic, I know...then I got a message from this guy on myspace...inviting me to a party he's throwing on Saturday. Told him I didn't know if I could make it because it's my friend's 21st birthday and we'll be going out again that night. He writes me back and says I should, if I'm gonna, and how would I get there...well, guess he's gotta give me some info first, and I'm not sure if I will go...I'd definitely go if I had a friend with me. He's really cute, too. Apparently went to Deerlake, too...don't remember him at all. I keep meaning to look in my yearbook when I'm at home, but I always forget. His name is Chris. We've been messaging back and forth every now and then for a couple of weeks now. Seems cool. I'd like to meet him sometime (out in a public place, of course, and not by myself!). Alrighty...I don't feel like writing anymore.

then I realize it's just what might have been

Went out last night with Amanda and some of her friends. It was fun just hanging out with an old friend and some new people. Definitely going to be going out with them a lot this summer. I had 4 shots of 100 proof vodka before we went out. Did not know it was so strong until after I took the 4th shot. Maybe I shouldn't have assumed it was just the regular old stuff I'm used to. Guess they like it strong! So I was in my own little world the whole night. I don't know how I survived. But that was all I had--it was all I needed! Called Allison at 3 am to have her come pick me up...she was NOT happy about that at all. But I've never called her before and I didn't want to stay at this girl's house overnight (a friend of my friend's). And she's always said that I could call her if I ever needed her. But it's ok today. She was just mad I woke her up in the middle of the night. I'd probably react the same way. I was so incredibly close to either calling or facebooking Adam last night. I got past the calling urge, but I wanted to send him a message on facebook so bad. I was about to do it, too, but I was able to restrain myself. How, I have no idea because I was really drunk. Not wasted, but not thinking and acting like normal! So I sent a stupid drunk email to Matt instead. He probably thinks I'm so dumb and annoying and is like, leave me alone! I just asked him when he was coming home and that I wanted to see him. Yeah...I sent him an apology message today, asking him to ignore the one I sent last night. Don't know if he's seen them yet. He probably thinks I'm a stalker or something. But something's different with him. I feel like I can tell him almost anything. Not that I have, but there's this comfort level that I feel with him that I didn't feel with Adam. Maybe it's because I've known him forever and we're friends. I don't know. OMG! I was going through some stuff earlier today and I found one of those horoscope booklets I'd saved from some issue of a magazine last fall (I still read the teen stuff...it's sad I know). The part about my love life was so erily true! It said that during the fall things would be slow, and nothing would really happen. But then in January,

you don't see me, you don't feel me like I feel you...

I was going through some stuff tonight that I had saved from various things (it's something that I do) and I came across some things. First it was the ticket stub from the movie we saw together on our first date. Then it was the note I wrote myself on the night I first met him. When I got home, I wrote his name down on a piece of paper so I wouldn't forget it. I was so excited that night. I couldn't fall asleep for over 2 hours. I couldn't believe that I had met such a cute guy who was interested in me! And he wanted to date me. Well, the honeymoon phase didn't last long. It never seems to. Reality sets in and suddenly he doesn't want to hang out with you anymore and he stops calling as often, then not at all. A heart is slowly being shattered with every rejection...and then it completely breaks. You're down for a while. Heartbreak is never easy. But gradually the pieces are filled in and replaced with the memories you shared and the promise of someone new. And when you feel like you're finally going to be okay, you've finally been able to make peace and move on, he shows up again. Every emotion you had for him floods back to the surface. Your heart is vulnerable once again. And you know you shouldn't. It's not right. He's just going to break your heart again. But you can't resist. You remember everything that made you fall for him in the first place, and want to give him another chance. Because maybe he's changed. Just maybe. The possibility of it...you just long for it. But here you are once again. Right back where you started. Everything that happened before...it's like deja-vu. You don't want to believe it. You want to make it work. But everytime, you can feel your heart being torn apart...again. Same guy. Same reasons. You should've known. You did know. But you chose to ignore it. Nothing had changed. He was still the same. And nothing was going to be different after all. He just didn't want it as much as you did. You finally realize there's no hope. No point in chasing after him anymore. It's only wasting precious time...time that should be spent on yourself and your life, not him. It hurts so much. Acknowledging that he doesn't want you like you want him. But it's not fair. Not to him, and especially not to yourself. Little by little, your hold on him begins to weaken--it's only for the best. It's a battle back and forth between your heart and your head--your head knows it's over and time to move on, but your heart wants to remain attached, glued to the possibilities of what just might happen. That's all it is, though: a possibility. No promise. No guarantee. Only wishful thinking. And you're way better than that. So much better than a guy who only makes you happy when he feels like it. It's finally time to move on. No matter how much you don't want to, no matter how much it hurts. It's not worth it anymore. He's so not worth it anymore. Day by day, you move a little further away. Eventually you will be completely free from his grasp. He won't ever be completely gone--he'll always be there in your memories and in your heart. And that's exactly where he belongs.

this is easy as lovers go

Another wasted day. I'm such a horrible daughter. I didn't get my mom anything. Not even a card. I feel so bad. But she said not to get her anything....and she knows I love her. My gift to her is being happy. Because when I'm happy, I know she's happy, too. We're like ET and Elliot as she's said before (and I think I've said so on here before, too). Allison's the good one. She's the only one that got her something. Whatever. I'll make it up. It's just one day, anyways. Slept in again...worked out...I'm so off--I haven't been having good workouts lately. And it sucks. Did pretty much nothing. Went home. We were going to take mom out to dinner, but she didn't feel like it. So we just got takeout from Applebee's. And I ended up falling asleep on the couch, anyways. Felt absolutely exhausted and devoid of energy again this afternoon. Still not feeling that great. Maybe I'll go to Orlando this week to visit Ania. I can't decide. It's so far away to go for such a short time. But what am I doing here? Other than wasting time, nothing. It's Amanda's birthday on Saturday, so I want to be in town for that. But maybe Tuesday through Thursday. We'll see how I'm feeling. If I'm not better, I won't go, because I don't want what happened last week to happen again. I was no fun when I didn't feel good :( I said I wasn't going to waste time online tonight, but that didn't work out as planned. Definitely filled out some stupid survey stuff. That's how bored I am. And no, he never called last night. Figures.

and I'll belong to you if you just let me through

Boys are nothing but a disappointment to me. All they do is let me down. How can I trust someone when they say they're going to do something but then don't follow through? It happens every single time. I have no reason to trust them in general. They say one thing, they do another. What they say is not what they mean. Why does this always happen to me? Why do I let myself believe anything they say? Because I know none of it is true. None of it is worth anything. I feel like such a fool. For everything. For every time I let them walk all over me. For every time I cried over one of them. And still cry over them. I'm losing hope. There's no reason to believe otherwise. They never come through when you need them to. I feel so alone. I ditched my friend to try and go to some stupid party. Thought I might have found someone to go with. Said he'd call me back later. Should've known that wouldn't happen. Because it never does. How many times has this happened now? Every single time. And what really makes me sad is that this is what my entire summer is going to be like. Sitting home. Doing nothing. I miss Ania. I wish she was here this summer. I feel so alone. I just want to go out. I've asked people...I've called random people I'm not even really friends with. But to no avail. It's going to be a very long summer if this is how it's going to be. Not optimistic about it at all. Do I really need to be feeling this way? No. But I'm choosing to be. It's my choice to feel sad and pathetic right now. It feels better than being happy. Because there's nothing to be happy about for the moment. I miss him so much. Why did he have to hurt me like this? Why do I have to feel this way about him? Why can't I just get over him. Let him vanish from my memory. But I don't want him to. I like the memories I have. But they make me sad sometimes. Sometimes they make me smile. I let myself fall too easily. And it's not easy to pick myself up again. Especially when it feels like your heart has been torn in a thousand pieces...when it never was really whole to begin with. On a good day I'm over him. Or at least I'm at peace with the situation. Today is a bad day. A day I've chosen to dwell in self-pity. Not all day. Just this evening since I've been let down once again. Just a simple phone call is all it takes. Even if he didn't want to go tonight...just a call to say so would be so much better than me sitting here left wondering...wondering if he still might call. Me attached to my phone. Something I swore I wouldn't do. But when you're expecting something, it's agonizing to wait for. Every second, every minute seems like an eternity. It never feels as if the moment will come. They worst is when you have nothing to do but wait. I try to occupy myself, but it doesn't always work. I end up just wasting time waiting. And waiting. And waiting. But sometimes it never comes and before you know it, you've spent an entire evening doing nothing but waiting around for a stupid phone call from a stupid boy who could care less about you. Even if he is just a friend. Some friend that leaves you waiting without any explanation. I could've hung out with her too, except for I said I was gonna try and go to this stupid party that I've let ruin my night. Why did he have to call and invite me? I was going to be perfectly content with watching a movie and staying in, hanging out with my friend who I haven't seen in so long. But no....I can't pass up an opportunity to go out and drink. Not anymore. Especially when it involves people I went to highschool with. I guess I want to show off a bit...show people how I'm not the same shy, quiet girl who always studies. Not that that was really me. But it was the me most people saw. And I hated it. Hated it so incredibly much. But now I think I am so pretty and have so much more confidence and want to show people that I'm not that same girl. I want to surprise them, to shock them. Not by doing anything crazy, but just by showing up. Because I have never felt this way about myself before. For the first time in my life I actually can look at myself and say I am absolutely beautiful and believe it. Because I know others do too. Yes, that is very shallow and superficial of me to think of only the way I look. I know it. It's sad. But unfortunately it's something that has always bothered me. The attention I get from guys...I've never gotten it before. The way they look at me...I know I completely blow their minds. I make them look twice. On the way back home tonight, this guy in the car in front of me stuck his head out the window to look back at me...at least twice. And I had my hair back in a bun, wet and sticky with gel in preparation for possibly going out tonight (how I curl my hair). I was like, what an idiot, and stop staring at me...Couldn't really tell if the guy was cute...but then I was like, wow...that guy stuck his head out his window just to have a look at me. When did that ever happen before? I'm no longer feeling that feeling of inferiority I used to feel. Well, at least not nearly as much. Every now and then it resurfaces. But I know that cute guy walking past me--I know that I might have a shot. And I keep my head up and don't look down at the ground like I'm no good and there's no way I'm pretty enough for him. I feel very narcissistic right now. I don't like talking about myself in this way. I feel weird. I feel like I shouldn't because it's very selfish and self-centered. And I feel like I might hurt peoples' feelings because I know if I hear people doing what I'm doing, I'd feel the same way. But I'm not doing it to brag, because that's just not how I am. It's a huge step for me to be able to feel this way about myself. Because even though people always tell you you're beautiful the way you are, blah blah blah...I never could believe it. Until now. And that's one self-revelation that makes me feel absolutely amazing. Even amidst the bad mood I'm in. Because actually, I forgot about it for a few minutes. And that was nice. And now back to the reality of it. It's 10:38pm. Let's face it. He's not gonna call. But I don't want to wash off my makeup or mess up my hair just yet. Because there's still that little voice in my head that's telling me to wait just a little bit longer, because he still might actually call...but then there's the other voice saying, there's no point. You know it'll never happen. But as soon as I do, he might call, and it would've been a waste to take everything off...but still...it's a waste either way. Because I'm not gonna hear from him and I'll just end up going to bed. What an evening. Another day gone to waste. But it's all my fault.

you've got looks, you've wits, you've got passion

Sooooo tired....yet, don't want to fall asleep. Why? Not sure...so I can waste more time on the Internet?! I needed a night in tonight. No way I was up for going out. The thought of alcohol is making me sick at the moment--well, all day actually. And not in the mood to go out. Still a little weirded out by last night. And besides, no one's in town this weekend, so there's no one out...which it's very boring when there's nothing to do or nowhere to go. Did absolutely NOTHING today, except for lying around in my bed watching my tv shows from the past 2 weeks that I've taped. Didn't even get out of my pajamas until late this afternoon when I decided to finally work out. But it's not like I had anything to do anyways. I feel sick again. Run down and I'm all congested. Not fun. I'm an idiot for writing him earlier this week. Why did I do it? I was desperate. I needed some sort of answer. Needed a sense of closure. An idea of what the hell is going on with us. None of which have been answered. No surprise there. But it was more for myself, just to let him know how I felt. Why do I always feel like I have to be honest with people about my feelings? Especially with him? With most people, I have no problem...but with him, I've gotta tell him everything. Maybe it's because I'm afraid if I don't, he won't know. And I think I want him to understand how I feel. So maybe things will change. But things won't change. Not with this guy. There's no way I could ever--at least not in the forseeable future--be just friends with him. Because I don't feel that way about him. I don't want to be friends.

I am fairly agile...I can bend and not break

I'm am so hungover right now. Had way too much to drink last night. Actually, it wasn't that much compared to what I've had other times...it was more than enough to put me over the edge this time though...seriously. Wow. I don't really remember much of what happened last night. All I remember is crying, no sobbing over missing Adam and why he doesn't like me. My mom got a drunk phone call from me at 4am. I thought I was going to be sick, so I fell asleep on my bathroom floor by the toilet. I couldn't move. I remember crawling all over the floor and calling out to my sister because I needed someone to take care of me. There was no one here this time. No Ania. I miss her. I wanted someone to take care of me. To comfort me. To tell me everything will be alright. That's what I wanted. And I was so upset about him. He's all I could think about. I miss him so much. It hurts so bad. A night of drunkeness just let loose of all my feelings hidden deep inside about him. The feelings I was trying to suppress...trying so hard to deny. I'm ok today. Sorta. Not like last night. But a little sad. Gilmore Girls. It's the story of my life:
"Maybe in the end this is not the guy or the relationship for you. Rory, 2 days ago you were on the bathroom floor crying about why he won't call you, why doesn't he like you, what did you do."
"I was drunk."
"You, my beautiful, brainy, fabulous daughter lying on the floor of the bathroom wondering what you did wrong! That is disturbing to me on many levels, including the fact that I can't remember the last time I cleaned the floor of the bathroom. Is that really the kind of relationship you want to be in?"--Loreli to Rory on Gilmore Girls

girls just wanna have fun

Listening to 80s music...have been in the mood since 80s night at Potbelly's last Thursday. I think that was the best night out of the semester. So, tomorrow night...going out with Martin! Yeah, totally random, I know...but it'll be fun. Looking for people to go out with, and asked him what he was doing (talking to him on IM) and said he'd go with me. So we're going out (not a date or anything, just someone to hang out with). I'm excited, because it's someone new, and I had fun at prom in 11th grade with him. Whatever gets me out and not stuck at home! Went to the doctor's today...luckily I don't have strep throat or mono (so won't have to call Adam about that!!!). I'm just tired and don't have much energy. I was feeling better, but I think the medicine I took is really starting to hit me now...I'm feeling really tired all of a sudden. Hung out at home and ran errands all day. Nice not to have anything to do. I have a massive amount of cleaning to do. My bathroom, well it's pretty bad. And the rest of my place...it's just screaming to be cleaned. So that and a really great workout is what I've got planned for tomorrow. I haven't worked out in 6 days now. I feel so gross. But part of the time I was on vacation, and like today I was giving my body time to recover from being sick. Can't stop thinking about him...not in a bad way, but sorta. But I'm ok. I was tempted to leave him a message on his wall, in reference to Harry Connick Jr's character in Hope Floats, because I think he sorta looks like him, and the way he talks, definitely...it just reminded me of him. But I stopped myself from thinking that and realized it would be a bad idea. Just leave him alone...see if he writes back. Pour some sugar on me is the best song to listen to when you're out drinking!

I'll belong to you if you just let me through

Back from Orlando. And I'm sick :( Helped Ania take her stuff back home and hung out for a few days. I really wish I could've stayed longer, except I feel like crap. But I'll be going down soon enough. Maybe even next week. I saw Adam Friday. It was an amazing night. I'm not going to write about it on here. Let's just say we went further than we have before, but not too far. I'm so glad I got this last night with him. It felt so good to be in his arms again, to kiss him. I was really unsure if I shouldv'e seen him, but I feel good about it now. I'm glad I went. I'm glad Ania called him without me knowing it. I'm glad he actually invited me over himself when I talked to him. I'm happy he wanted to see me. Even if I don't see him again. Which I knew was a very big possibility before I went over there. I knew what might happen. And I knew the consequences. I was very confused and upset after he took me home, but as I talked to Ania about it and the day went on, I felt more comfortable with my decision. I'm actually not sad. Do I miss him? Yes. But I'm not sad. I care about him and like him so much, but I'm really ok. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I can't blame anyone but myself for my actions. But I don't blame myself. You know what made me so happy? To see my poster I made him up on his bedroom wall. It just made my day, knowing that every time he looks at it, he thinks of me. How could he not?! And he notices what I had on in my facebook picture, because the first the he says to me when I walked into his apartment on Friday was "that looks like the shirt you have on in your facebook picture" (it wasn't the same, but I guess he looks at my page a lot!) So that is really sweet and nice to know. He was so disappointed when I told him I wouldn't be here this weekend, and he kept asking me when I was getting back. But I think he's home now. I called him yesterday afternoon. I was dying to call him. I had to literally force myself not to...but I ended up giving in. He didn't answer. But I expected that. And I wasn't sad, it felt good to just have tried at least. I may be a little disappointed about him not calling me back, but it's ok. I sent him a facebook message this evening, just telling him I was back, not feeling good, glad I got to see him on Friday, won't call him anymore unless he wants me to. Because I won't. But I want to. But it's not going to happen this time. I'm not like I was before. I'm in a place at the moment where I'm content with the whole experience with him. I've learned a lot. About guys. About relationships. And especially about myself. I can honestly say now that I'm so glad I met him. And no matter how much hurt and pain that I've put myself through, it was worth it. To at least have had it for once. And I'm on to find it from someone who really wants me. But it's still not over with him yet. Or is it?