it's a lie, a kiss with open eyes

Can Gilmore Girls be any closer to the story of my life this year? Rory and Logan=me and Skip right now (before they became a couple). Me crying over him? Check. Just casually dating (meaning all we do is go out and then hook up)? Check. I missed the Founder's Day Punch episode last week. It's one of my favorites because everything they discuss is SO TRUE to what I've been through before, and am currently experiencing. Especially the end, where Rory's wasted and crying over why Logan doesn't like her. Been there, definitely done that. I know, I know, I've talked about this before. But I just can't help but see how many parallels there are! It really was the best season yet. I'm such a dork, going about about a tv show...still no word from Ania. If she's mad about me still about Saturday night, well then that's really ridiculous. I hope she's just busy with sorority stuff, because I do remember that the first week is pretty crazy. But still, she could have at least responded to my IM or email me or something just to say hi. I really hope that she doesn't ditch me now that she's in a sorority. I knew it'd change things some, but I feel like she's starting on a path of leaving me behind. I want to see that movie "Just like Heaven." It looks cute. She's back from being away now...let's see if she'll talk to me...I'm not IM'ing her. Yay, and she did, but after I responded to her away message...we're good, no problems!

There are places I'll remember all my life, though some have changed

I think Ania might still be mad at me from Saturday night. There was this whole ordeal over buying a keg. What had happened was I told mom about buying one for her and her roommate the other night, and she completely freaked out on me. On the way home from Graham's birthday dinner, she asked dad about a "hypothetical situation" in which someone buys a keg for underage people, and I ended up getting this whole lecture about how I'm responsible for everyone who drinks and all. I was like, "yeah, yeah" rolling my eyes, etc. So when Ania asked me if I would get another one that night, I said that I would, despite what I had just gone through. But on the way over to her place, that lecture kept hanging over my head and a voice was telling me not to do it. So I changed my mind. I knew she wouldn't be happy, and she wasn't. Not only did I decline to buy the keg, I did what one of her other friends does to her all the time: I took back my word. I felt so bad. She said she wasn't mad, but I knew she was definitely irritated, because she had to find someone else to buy one. And I was in this rush because I was going out with Blake and had to be at his house, so I wasn't really happy about doing it in the first place, but because I'm nice, I was going to do her a favor. I had to take her to the ATM to get some money that she owed me, and while she was inside, I called mom and told her how mad I was that I told her, because Ania said that we shouldn't drink together anymore if I feel so strongly about this. Which I don't, but I was just uncomfortable buying it that night because of what I'd heard only 2 hours earlier. It was weighing on my mind, and made a lot of sense. But she thinks buying alcohol is buying alcohol. All or nothing. Take it or leave it. I see it a different way: buying a keg for a party is not the same thing as me buying a pack of beer or a bottle for a few people. I really don't buy alcohol for other people; I'm usually drinking it, too. It's totally different. Ania ended up talking to my mom on the phone, and told her she wasn't mad at me or anything, just that she feels differently. I'm hoping it was just because of the stress of having to find someone else in a short period of time. But I don't know. I didn't talk to her yesterday, and I IM'ed her about an hour ago, but she never responded. She went away without saying anything, but now she's back and still hasn't answered my IM, which is kind of rude. And she's gone again. It's not making me feel so great. I think I just lost my good friend to her new sorority. And to declining to buy a keg. And like a dork I'm already starting some reading for my classes. I don't want to, but I have nothing else to do, and I'd rather not sit around on the computer or just watching tv and wasting time. I could be hanging out with Ania, but I don't know what's up with her, because she won't tell me. She doesn't want to talk to me. I'm going out tomorrow night--it's Tuesday and the first week of school--there's no way I'm staying home. If Ania doesn't want to go out with me (if I've even heard from her by then), I'll go out with Blake, since I know he's definitely going out.

Don't play with it, don't play with it

So summer is officially over, and it's back to school. Whoa, that song "Play" by David Banner....just a little dirty...I need the clean version, please! After my freakout on Friday night, I ended up seeing Skip on Saturday night. I called him, not expecting him to answer, but he did. I was going out with Blake and co., and he said there was some party at Skip's and his roommates that they were going to beforehand. I didn't want to just show up, not having talked to Skip, so I decided to call him. And I said I knew about it because I was going out with Blake, and he asked if I was going to stop by. Yeah, so I went. Tell me about awkward. He wasn't there at first, but when he got there, I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to hang around him, because that would seem clingy and annoying. But he IGNORED me the whole night, only occasionally acknowledging that I existed. I ended up not going to Yianni's with Blake and them because I wanted to hang around Skip. But he was being such a jerk to me! By the end of the night I was practically crying because he kept ignoring me. There were these 2 girls that kept hanging around him, and I got a little annoyed at that, but it turns out he's known them a long time. And what really got me was when one of them was sitting in his lap while they were playing cards...it's not the sitting part, it's where the hands were going...just lightly brushing, but it drove me crazy! I took Meredith into the bathroom to vent, and told her, and she said that I shouldn't worry because he didn't look interested in her at all. At the end of the night, I ended up crying (but not a lot) about how he was ignoring me to the other girl that kept hanging around him. I hope she doesn't remember. I was only upset that he kept ignoring me. I wasn't asking him to be at my side the entire night or anything, just look at me and smile once in a while or something, not act like I wasn't even there. So I confronted him about it. As he passed by me, he said something to me that I didn't catch, and I wanted to know what it was. So I followed him into his room, and we got into a little argument. I was standing right in front of him, not backing down or anything, knowing full well what I wanted. Let's just say that I got what I wanted. Yeah, you could say I sort of "seduced" him. He admitted that he was ignoring me on purpose and said I would look at him funny when he was talking to other girls, which was not true at all. Said I was jealous, and I was like, what do I have to be jealous of? But he did get me when he said something about the girl sitting on his lap, I confessed that it bothered me a little. He doesn't want a girlfriend, which duh, I pretty much knew. But I told him that I was never asking to be his girlfriend and said what made him think I wanted a boyfriend, more or less it to be him? He just assumed so, because I was a girl, and that they always do. (Which actually I do, but I just like seeing the guy and doing what we've been doing, and I don't want to lose that at this point. It's probably better that I don't have a boyfriend anyways, there being so many guys out there and this my last year). ANd I told him that I just liked doing what we've been doing. So we continued what we've been doing :) Had no more problems after that. Oh, he did say something about me being a little clingy, which I didn't understand, and he also said something about he already had played the boyfriend role with me the last time, which I have NO IDEA what he was talking about. Like I said, he was being a jerk. So I'm gonna play it cool...not call him for a while, maybe I'll give him a call this weekend. We'll see. Oh, he did say how he IS attracted to me, no doubt...

'cause the loving ain't the same

I don't know why I fall for it everytime. But I do. EVERY SINGLE TIME. And I can only blame myself for these tears that I'm crying right now. I never heard from him tonight. But that was expected. Wasn't it? It wasn't the scenario I wanted, but I ultimately knew that's what would end up happening tonight. Time wasted. Too much time wasted doing absolutely nothing. Sometimes I just wish there was a fast-forward button, so I could get rid of all this waiting. Not to skip (sorry, I did not want to use that word AT ALL, but there was no other I could think of) parts of my life, just the waiting for stupid guys to call you back. Or to call you at all. I got soooooo excited today. So excited. I was so happy that I was probably going to be seeing him tonight. He actually wanted to spend time with me still! And it was him who made the effort this time! Some effort. He better have a damn good excuse. Am I overreacting? Duh, of course I am. But that's just me. I can't help it. I try to ignore all this bullshit and accept it for what it's worth (he IS a guy afterall), but when you put everything on hold for someone, it's easy to lose your cool. Not that I had any plans in the first place, but I COULD have made some. I could have done something with Meredith. But no, I thought that I was doing something with Skip (because he oh so kindly sent me that false-sense of hope in a dumbass text message), so that's what I based my night around: waiting for his fucking phone call. I DO IT EVERYTIME, FOR EVERY GUY THAT I LIKE. You think that I would've learned by now that they're just empty promises. And there are times where I thought I had. But yet, after you haven't talked to them or heard from them in a while, the hope begins to soar once again. It goes from extreme high (when you first meet them), to extreme low (when you don't talk for a bit and you think things could be over already), to extreme high (when they finally make contact again and want to see you!), to extreme low (when they break their word). And it goes on and on and on. Yet I never learn. I was doing things so differently this time, too. The only real mistake that I think I made was calling him drunk on Sunday night. But that was just a fun drunken phone call. Nothing to scare him away, especially since he called me drunk once, too (the first time he called me, but it was to say he was thinking about me). Yeah, he's thinking about me so fucking much lately. IT HURTS. IT HURTS, IT HURTS, IT HURTS SOOOOOOOOO MUCH. I can't go without my medication. I'm not ready for it. Not that it would help in this situation, since my emotions concerning guys overrides any benefit it does me. I just wish more than anything right now he would call me. Please. Pretty, pretty please. I'm begging you: just call me. Do this for me. Apologize for not calling earlier. I don't care. Just do it. I'm honestly happy with just hanging out with you, doing what we've been doing. As long as we keep seeing each other, that's all that matters. That's all I need right now. Just to see you again. For you to want to see me. And I thought that's what you wanted today.

I've gotta shake it off...

It's SOOOOO frustrating waiting for someone to call you back. Skip sent me a text message around noon today asking: "ANY PLANS FOR TONIGHT??" I was so happy to see that...I sent him one back saying: "Nope wanna do something." I'm not really good at text messaging, since I don't think my plan really allows for it, and I think my message I sent can be interpreted in 2 ways. One is that I'm asking him to if he wants to do something, and I just forgot (or actually, I really didn't know how to put it in there) the question mark. Or, you can interpret it as saying that I'm not doing anything, but I want to do something. I'm not exactly sure which I meant myself! Either is fine with me. However, I have not heard back from him all day. And I called him around 8:30pm just because. Clearly, he wants (or wanted) to do something, because you don't just ask someone (much less text them) asking if they have plans that night. Hopefully he's just been at work all day and hasn't had a chance to call me back. That could explain why he sent that message so early in the day, so I wouldn't make any plans since he wouldn't be able to get in touch with me. But it just bugs the crap out of me that I got his stupid voicemail AGAIN. And believe me, I waited, and waited, and waited to call him, not wanting this to happen. But of course, it did. It is only 9pm, but I'm the kind of person who likes to know what they're doing way in advance. I like plans. Sure spontenaity is fun sometimes, but not when it comes to this. Not with guys. CALL ME BACK ALREADY!!! Maybe he has to close, if he's at work. He might be working all day so he doesn't have to work this weekend. But he better fucking call me soon because I'm all ready to go out now (minus the clothes). I've taken a shower and done my makeup and hair. That was probably pretty stupid of me, considering he most likely won't end up calling me back and I'll have wasted another night sitting at home WAITING. And I really don't want to do that. I guess I can always call Blake and see what he's up to, since he did ask me today when he called to let him know what I was was doing, since I told him I might be doing something with Skip. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I'm going to go take a nap, since there's absolutely nothing else for me to do. But wait, unfortunately.

That is just so you, coming back when I've finally moved on

I have the weirdest feeling ever. It's hard to describe...it definitely has to do with being so tired. And not to mention I didn't get very much sleep after that annoying phone call from someone even more annoying and someone I thought was out of my life. Every time I look back on it, I realize I lowered my standards so much. Why did I do it? I can honestly say I am very glad that what happened, happened. Yeah, it did hurt a lot at the time, but he was no good for me at all. And I don't think I would have been with him much longer because I sure didn't feel the way he felt about me. Just get over it. Move on. So harsh, I know...and hypocritical coming from someone who's felt the same way over someone else. But whatever. Why is it always the person who you don't want that ends up doing this sort of thing??? Uh, if I want anyone to want me back, it'd be Adam...I'm not saying I would go back to him, because I WILL NOT, but you get what I'm saying. Skip is still MIA. He probably was just playing me like Ania said that time. I really hope not. My feelings are so mixed about it. Is it good or bad that I'm not really worried at this point? Because if it was Adam, I'd be freaking out. Ok, so I actually already have freaked out once before, but then he called and apologized the next day and I ended up seeing him. In a facebook message I just sent Blake, I told him about it briefly. Maybe he'll know what's up or could possibly find out. Not that I want someone to ask him for me, because that is so childish. I'm personally just afraid if I do it myself, I could completely ruin things by coming off in the wrong way, when I'm having a lot of fun with just going out with him at this point. Of course, I eventually want way more, but I want to take things slow, and I like the pace it's going. Except, I could do with seeing him maybe a bit more, or least hear from him. So, I've stopped taking my medication...hmmm, I don't know if it's a good idea or not, but I really don't want to be on them forever. I can't depend on them to make me feel good anymore, either. I don't think I need them. One reason why I've stopped is because I seriously started to feel emotionally numb, which kinda scared me. More later...found out there's a keg at Ania's!!! shower and then I'm there!

WHAT THE ????

NO FREAKING WAY DID THIS JERK JUST CALL ME AT 2:30 AM...NOT AGAIN, NOT WITH WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME. DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND THAT I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM? I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM. ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN HE CALLS ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT--I KNOW HE'S WASTED. YEAH, AND AFTER HE CALLED THE FIRST TIME, I JUST *KNEW* HE WOULD CALL ME AGAIN. AND OF COURSE, I WAS RIGHT, BECAUSE I KNOW HIM. AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH HIM. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THERE ON MY END. MAN, HE JUST WON'T QUIT. AND I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT FLATTERED, BECAUSE HE'S NOT SOMEONE I WANT CHASING AFTER ME. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! THANKS A LOT FOR RUINING MY SLEEP...I WAS SLEEPING SO WELL, TOO. GOD, HE BETTER NOT CALL ME AGAIN. IF HE DOES, I SWEAR....

I'll be your lover, I'll be your best friend, tell me what I gotta do

Soooooo tired. All I want to do is sleep. Yet, I really don't want to go to bed yet. So why am I complaining? I'll just end up wasting time online and watching tv. Can't Buy Me Love is on abcfamily. I'm a sucker for those 80s teen movies. Went to dinner with Meghan and Vanessa. It was really good to see Vanessa, considering I think the last time I saw her was Spring Break. So sad...I don't know what in the world happened. I guess we just all got to busy (or sick!). Speaking of being sick, I really hope I'm not relapsing. I've been unusually tired the past couple of days and I've recently started coughing. Not good at all. I just have to try and rest, which is really hard to do right now, since everything's gearing up for school and this is the best time of year to go out. Still no word from Skip. It's so frustrating. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. Obviously, I'm annoyed. But at the same time, I don't really feel scared that he doesn't want to see me again. Maybe he's just busy. I'd just like to know what was going on though, to know his intentions. Because I don't want to waste my time if all he wants is what we've been doing--going out occasionally and you know...not that it's not incredible, I just want more. I think I'll be sleeping soon...

Waiting here with hopes this phone will ring, and I'm thinking awful things

Am I too forward? Is there something wrong with the girl calling the guy, after they made the first move and called you first before you called them? I've always been this way with guys. Every single one. I can't just sit back and wait for them to call me, because they never will. I'd be waiting forever. But it doesn't help, you calling them, when all you keep getting is their voicemail and you leave messages for them to call you. Then it's all back to zero, where you're still waiting for them to call you, even though you called them. It's a vicious cycle. I wonder if I didn't call him, would he call me? Would we have never seen each other? But remember, he called me first. And he did go out with me again on Thursday. Yeah, I had to do the asking once again, but it was him who called me on Sunday to hang out. That's what I want. More hanging out during the day. Someone who doesn't want to only see me at night. That's never happened before until him. Neither Adam nor Chris wanted to be with me during the day. And that's something very important, because a relationship can't only be based on nights. Sure, I love going out and everything at night, but what I really want is someone to do the most mundane things with. Someone who will be with me when I'm just doing laundry or nothing at all or running errands. Looks like another hit and miss for me. At least, it's shaping up to be that way, much to my dismay. Especially when I thought he was turning out to be so right the more I've spent time with him. I just want to find the right guy for once. I'm not looking for marraige at this point, not that serious. Just a long term relationship. Yeah, there's the heartbreak that will happen at the end, because I doubt things would work out forever, but that's ok. It's not an "in the meantime" thing, where I'm just with someone until I find "the one." I wouldn't be settling at all. It'd be with someone that was so wonderful. And if he started to became the wrong one down the road, then it would end. I just want a relationship for once in my life. Is that too much to ask for??? Apparently, it is.

Well I thought that we'd be different babe, yeah I thought that we would last

All guys are the same. They really are. I know of no exceptions. IF YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO CALL BACK, THEN FUCKING CALL BACK!!! And no, not the next day. IT TAKES 2 SECONDS!!! HOW HARD CAN IT BE? IT'S NOT, BECAUSE I DO IT ALL THE TIME. ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT WASTED DOING NOTHING BUT WAITING FOR A STUPID GUY TO CALL. I'M SO PATHETIC, I HATE IT. We have another amazing night out (and afternoon) on Thursday, but here I am, watching a repeat of last week. I could be hanging out at Ania's, but I got tired of just sitting there watching tv. I felt like I was in the way. And I was really bored. And I really wanted to go out. With Skip. Thought it was actually going to happen when I called him tonight. First time was a bust, waking him up and everything. Then I called him back an hour later to say I was sorry again (he wasn't mad or anything, I just felt bad) and we talked for a bit and neither of us was doing anything and we both wanted to go out. Said he was going to check with some friends and he'd give me a call in a little bit. So another hour rolls by, I've taken a shower and put my foundation on, and am just hanging out doing nothing but waiting for his call back. And guess what? It never comes. So I called him AGAIN, and got his stupid voicemail and left a message asking him to call me. Ha. Fat chance. Why am I kidding myself? Do I actually believe he is into me? Yeah, stupidly enough I do. All the signs are there. Except, here comes the damn phone thing again. It all starts with this. Ania briefly mentioned last night she thinks he's playing me. I don't see it. He doesn't act like he's playing with me. These stupid games that go on at the beginning. They're so stupid. Can't call too much, don't want to do anything to scare the person off, don't want to come on too strong. Fuck it. FUCK ALL OF IT. Am I a little mad? You bet I am, especially when I start swearing. You know it's serious business when I do that, because the only other time I swear is when I'm drunk. Tonight's deja-vu all over again. And it's not a night I want to be repeated. But unfortunately, it will, because that's the way my life goes. Something good comes along, but something always goes wrong. It's like someone's saying that I don't deserve it. Well, I don't care if I'm being selfish, but I do. I'm doing things right this time. And tonight I probably just screwed it up by calling him 3 times. And this time I doubt there will be an apology to follow tomorrow. I'm not calling him again. If he has any interest in me at all still, he will call me. He doesn't even need a reason. Just FUCKING DO IT. He saw a picture of me today at some house he was at. He actually told me. Was he looking for me, since it was a KD composite? Or did he just happen to come across it? But why would he mention it to me if that wasn't the case? Obviously he thought it was important enough to tell me. Was it a sign? Did he want me to pick up on some subtle hint? Because I normally don't go around saying to people, "I saw a picture of you today" when I look at people's pictures. That would be tiring. I JUST DON'T GET WHY HE WON'T CALL ME BACK. HE BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON. I don't want it to be over. Not yet. Not again. Not so soon. I can't keep a guy. They start to get to know me and then they run away. I know, I know, "It's not you, it's them." But at some point, you've gotta wonder if it really is you. But that's why I'm using my past experiences from this year to do things differently this time. I haven't acted at all like I have with Adam or Chris. No calling him everyday, or seeing him several times a week. When does that point come when all they want to do is see you and be with you? Because it's already here for me, and I'm doing all that I can to hold back, and I really have been doing a good job. WHY? WHY? WHY? BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.

Suddenly you felt so right, me and you, what a feeling

Today's horoscope:

This new romance is a total rush. You haven't felt this way in a long time. You're glowing. You and you-know-who understand each other intuitively. This is terrific.

SO FREAKY!!! because it's SO TRUE!!!!!!!

this could be different, this could be all i'm waiting for

This sounds pretty hypocritical coming from a girl who is a member of a sorority herself, but I swear, they're all clones of each other! Highlighted blond and brown hair, faces plastered with makeup, tanning-bed tanned skin, all wearing the same Abercrombie/Hollister look with their designer handbags. I don't think I look like them, the typical sorority girl. Do I? I definitely haven't conformed--take the fact that I didn't drink at all while I was active for 2 1/2 years and I never bought in to the whole Coach, Louis Vuitton, etc. purse thing. Because believe me, EVERYONE has one. But I never really got the attraction. Of course, I can't apply this to all the girls, because not everyone's the same, and not everyone's like that. But those sure were the girls I saw at the mall today! You could spot them a mile a way. It's that time of year again--rush. I do feel kinda bad now that I've sad all of this, because I've met some of the most amazing girls being in KD...take Anne for instance, who I don't know what I would've done if I'd never met her! I just got a little annoyed today I guess. Thought they'd all be busy with Spirit Week stuff and not be out at the mall when I was shopping today. But whatever. It was bugging me. So I finally looked at the picture that I took of me and Skip while we were out last Thursday. I'd been afraid to look at it, for one thing because it didn't turn out good, and because I didn't want to jinx anything. But it's really not that bad after all. I look decent, and he looks SO HOTT despite moving before the picture was actually done being taken (darn red eye flashes!). And no, I haven't been staring at it all night...I'm not psycho. I've only looked at it a few times! Oh, and NO COOKIES!!! Not for a very, very long time. They're bad luck. And no gifts. No mentioning far in the future, or "us" or anything that might scare him away for that matter. I'm just taking it day by day, seeing where it goes. I don't need to call him every day, since I think that's a huge turnoff, especially when I have no idea what we are yet. If we will be anything at all (I'm hoping--no PRAYING-- that that's not the case). But I'm gonna call him tomorrow evening at some point to make plans for Thursday night to go out with Ania and I. "Just call me babe, just call me..." He calls me baby all the time!

Heaven is a place on Earth

I'm in HEAVEN!!!! After overreacting, once again, and thinking everything was over and I'd never see or hear from him again, he calls me on Sunday afternoon! He apologized for not calling me back on Saturday. He ended up going to dinner with his friends right after he got home and he was out all night from there. At least he said he was sorry. And he asked me to hang out with him that afternoon! Of course I said yes!!! I went over there around 3 something...we rented a movie, and then ended up watching 2 more in the course of the evening. That's what happens when there's no cable! I must say, Fight Club, which we watched second, is really good...very strange, but good. We had some drinks and stuff...I hadn't eaten anything since lunch, either, and I'm surprised I didn't get completely wasted. I was just a little buzzed. So I didn't exactly plan on it at all, but I ended up staying the night...and I didn't leave until 3:30pm today! Another wonderful and amazing night (and an incredibly afternoon!!!!). Wow is all I can say. He just makes me feel so... there aren't any words to describe it. And the response I get back from him...there is definitely something there. I don't think it's going to end anytime soon. I invited him out on Thursday to 80s night at Potbelly's...Ania told me to tell him not to make any plans because he's coming with us...and he said sure, give me a call! I'm going shopping on Wednesday and I remember him saying that's the next time he'll be working...:)

Here I am, once again, I'm torn into pieces

It hurts so much. Still no word. I should have known. I really should have known that this was going to happen to me. Again. We shared something so special. It was how I had always pictured it, how I had always wanted it to be. I never thought I could let that side of me out. But he made me feel so comfortable; there is something about him that I am so attracted to. Why? Why? WHY??? Was it something I did? Did I say something I shouldn't have??? I really hope I'm just overreacting. I tend to do that. But I doubt I am. Not all guys are jerks. I know that. But where are those guys?? And why do I seem to keep finding the bad ones? I just thought this could have been it. Not like marraige or anything, but someone who wanted to be with me. We just clicked. The connection was stronger than anything I've ever felt me. Or so I thought. At least it was with me. I'm never calling him again. If he wants anything to do with me, he'll call me himself. Which won't happen.

Baby, just close your eyes and dream

Why does this always happen to me? I have the most amazing and wonderful night and morning/afternoon of my entire life, and then there's nothing. Nothing but pain. And hurt. I just have a really bad feeling. He hasn't called me back yet. He probably won't. And if he does, he won't want to do anything with me. Because when I asked if he wanted to hang out anyways, even if we couldn't find anything to do, and he was like, um, yeah, let me get home and take a shower and call some people and I'll give you a call in a bit. He sounded fine when he first called me back, up until that point. I mean, I had asked him out in the dang message I left him. That's just my luck, of course. I think I meet someone so absoutely great and so right for me, and then it goes and ends as quickly as it started. Another failed attempt a a relationship this year. The third major one this year. The way he made me feel...it was just so incredible. My feelings have just developed so fast and they've gotten so intense so soon. I never thought I could feel this way. I've never felt this way, ever. I knew it was too good to be true. It always is.

and just being around you offers me another form of relief

I am sooooo bored. I do not know what to do with myself at all. I slept all day and watched tv. That's all I did. I was tired, but I also had nothing else to do. I need to kill time, but I can't think of anything! God, I want Skip so bad. I want to see him. He better call me tomorrow. Or else. I'll call him instead. But I really don't want to do that. Maybe I can make it seem really innocent, like just wanted to see if he wanted to do something that night, because if not, I was going to do something else. That's probably a bad idea. Dumb, too. Yeah, go and make yourself look desperate. He'll probably get scared off if I call...that's seemed to be what's happened in the past with every other guy. Like they're afraid of a girl who takes the initiative. They supposedly like girls to do things like that, so it takes the pressure off of them. Well, at least that's what they say, because when it comes to reality, I think they're turned off by it. Does it make us come off too strong or something? Too eager? Whatever the case, I know I haven't exactly benefitted from it. Except, I did on Monday when I called him. And he even asked if I wanted to call him...I should've said that I would. I knew giving him all the power would drive me crazy like this. At least I'd be the one in control. But my thinking was that I didn't know when he'd be free and want to do something. We should have just made plans for a specific day. Should have, should have, should have...yeah, there's a lot of things that could have gone differently, but they went the way they did. I don't think he'd care if I called. I just don't want to seem like I'm too eager, coming off too strong by calling him. He might get the wrong idea and rethink seeing me. AHHHHH!!!! Boys...so complicated! I don't know what to do. I want to go to the mall tomorrow. So I can stop by Hollister and see if he's working. That'd give me an excuse to call him. I could see if he was working, and then I could go and see him. Or I could just go in there and look. That might seem a bit strange though. But hey, I like to shop there...even more so that he works there! But with my luck, he wouldn't be there, or it'd end up being really awkward and embarassing. Tomorrow's gonna be a long, long day. Because he may call me, and want to do something that night. I think if he doesn't call me by the evening, I'll call him, so at least we could make plans for Friday or something if we didn't go out that night. I don't know what to do. I need advice. Should I call him? Or should I just wait for him to eventually call me??? Oh, the insanity...

And the talking leads to touching, then the touching leads to sex, and then there is no mystery left

I can't get him out of my head!!!! I want it to be a few days later NOW!!! I don't want to have to go through another whole long day...just get to be the end of the week. No Wednesday, let's just skip to Thursday night. If he doesn't call me on Thursday, I'm going to call him. Hey, he asked me if I wanted to call him or for him to call me...and stupid me put the ball back in his court. Well, I'll take it away from him if I have to! I just hate waiting for guys to call. I know he's gonna call, but it's pretty vague as to when that will be. During the day? Or will I have to go all day for his call at night? It's torture, I tell ya. TORTURE!!! I can't sleep right now because of him....and I'm completely exhausted (I did too much today). Yep, I've got it bad right now...please help me...

and color the coast with your smile, it's the most genuine thing that I've ever seen

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I took a huge chance, and it paid off big time!!! I called him this evening, after much debate and many failed attempts. His phone went straight to his voicemail, so I left a message saying that I called to say hi and to call me later if he wanted. And he did! I wasn't sure if he would, but he's followed through on his words so far. I'm so happy :) We "chatted" for a bit. Found out he just started a job at Hollister--even more of an excuse to go now! I think I scared him a bit when he asked me what I'd been doing all summer and I replied that I hadn't been doing much because I was sick and then I said I had mono. He was like, that's really contagious isn't it, but I reassured him I wasn't contagious any more--that was 2 months ago. He asked me what my plans were this week and asked when we could "chill." I said I didn't have any plans and he was like I'll call you later in the week and we'll go out. Actually asked if I wanted to call him instead, but since I figured I didn't know when he'd be available, I said he could just call me. So he is. I'd say it'll be Thursday or Friday, possibly Wednesday. He said he was going to take it easy for a few nights, but he'll call in a few days and we'll do something really fun....I knew he wanted to see me again. I just knew it. And I'm SO HAPPY HE WANTS TO SEE ME!!!! Because I really, really want to see him. Now I've just got to occupy my time these next few days, which won't be easy because I was absolutely bored out of my mind today. But now I've got something incredibly good to look forward to!!!!!

Lose all of my defenses...

And then it fades away...when he actually calls! Yes, it's true!! Ok, so it was at 3:30 am. But coincidentally, I had just gotten up to go to the bathroom, so he didn't wake me. Perfect timing. He called to tell me he was thinking about me, not to make a "booty call," considering he said he was crashing at his friend's house that night. Yeah, it was a drunk call, but if you think about it, when you're drunk, you really only call people you care about, not random people you have in your phonebook. He was so cute: he knew it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, calling me at that hour, but he didn't care. He wanted to talk to me anyways. I don't him he can call me when he's not drunk and it's not the middle of the night, and he said he was going to and will...It seems like a dream. When I woke up, I was like, "did he actually call last night?" Yep, he sure did! Yeah, so I think he likes me :) Normally I would dismiss a drunk dial, but since he knew exactly what he was doing, and he realized that it was probably dumb to do so, I think it's ok. I was just happy to hear from him. Am I lowering my standards? No, not at all. It was a different kind of call--it wasn't desperate or he didn't seem to want anything. We'll see if that's really true if I hear from him during the day. I have a feeling I will.

And the disappointment sets in...

And I'm hoping my dreams bring you close to me

I hate this part. The endless waiting and speculation. Will he call? When will he call? Did he really mean it? You tell yourself that you're not going to get your hopes up, that you don't expect anything to happen. But deep down, you know that's a lie. All you want is for that one phone call from him. It's all you think about. It's always there in the back of your mind, always lurking somewhere within everything little thing you do. You try and tell yourself that it's no big deal if he doesn't. It's all to spare yourself the hurt when he really doesn't call. So you wait, and you wait, and you wait. Maybe he'll call me later. Nothing happens. Ok, so that doesn't mean that he won't. He just didn't today. He'll call tomorrow. So your whole day you go on, wishing and hoping to hear from him. You inherintely base your plans on possibly getting that phone call. Should you make plans for that night? What if he calls and asks what you're doing? You don't want to be busy. But then again, you don't want to appear like all you've been doing is waiting around for his call (but honestly, of course, that's not true). It drives you absolutely mad. You become attached to your phone, even taking it into the bathroom when you go, because hey, he could call while you're in the shower, and you definitely don't want to miss it. You glance over at your cell constantly, checking to make sure it didn't somehow turn the ringer to silent (it could happen...). You become obsessed. Then you start to realize, why the heck am I doing this to myself? It's stupid to act this way. Here comes the anger aimed towards your actions. I'm such an idiot. How did I ever actually think he'd call me? Of course he wouldn't. Good things like this never happen me. It's a vicious cycle. It seems to happen with every guy; yet, you never seem to learn. Except now, everytime you promise yourself that you'll never fall for it again. But you do. Because we all have that little voice inside our heads whispering thoughts of hope. It keeps us going, it keeps the faith alive that there will be someone who does follow through on his word. Maybe, just maybe...

And he kissed me goodbye!!! On my lips!!!

Since you've been gone...

Wow...the things that have happened in the past 24 hours...Last evening, I was in my room, when I hear this shouting coming from outside. I go to the front window to see what all the commotion is about, and I see these 2 women and this guy in his car. The women are new tenants in one of the townhouses across the street, and the guy is their neighbor. The larger one of the two women was shouting profanities like crazy, apparently upset about the parking space lines that the guy had painted earlier in the day. The guy drives off, and then all of a sudden, this car pulls up and this other guy gets out and starts walking up the drive way. He's holding a gun and shoots it twice in the air. I was so shocked, and got scared. I immediately went and got my phone and called 911, because I didn't know what might happen next. Plus, it's not exactly legal to shoot a gun into the air. So I tell the dispatcher what has happened, and as I'm on the phone, the guy gets back into his car and drives away. The police would be on their way. Yeah, after like 45 minutes! I guess it's a real top priority, you know, those incidents with guns. They eventually came and I acted like a nosey neighbor, spying out the window. I didn't go out to see the police, since I didn't want to give it away that I was the one who called it in. I'd talk if they came to my door, but they didn't. That was basically the first part of my evening. It shook me up a little. Just like some new people to bring trouble to a once peaceful place. Anyways, I also went out with Blake and Anna and some other people to Chubby's last night. Pre-partied at Blake's first (of course). Had my 10-calorie fruit juice and vodka drinks...I know, I'm probably the only person that counts, or even worries about, calories when it comes to drinking. Had a shot, plus finished off someone else's vanilla vodka tonic, which by the way, was incredibly good. But, it could've been due to the previous consumption of alcohol that night. I was feeling REALLY good by the time we go to the club, where it was not crowded at all--I've never seen it that way before. Anyways, I was scouting around for some guys...there was this one at this table behind us that big-time kept looking at me, in such an obvious way. I wasn't sure if he was cute enough or not, had to get some second opinions. But he ended up leaving. No big deal. Then we wandered into the dance floor area, where I came across this really hot guy in a blue polo shirt. He was looking in my direction, and as I got near, I looked at him and gave him a little smile to show that I was interested. Well, I mentioned to Anna that I thought he was really cute, and she said Blake knew him. So Blake called him over and introduced us. We hit it off and danced the remainder of the time while there. He came back to Blake's with me. Oh, forgot to mention the major making out on the dance floor. Such a great kisser! Definitely thinks I was because he told me!!! Anyways, back at Blake's we're all hanging out, the two of us are cuddling on this bean bag chair...everyone leaves...we start to kiss...move to the empty bedroom...and seriously stay up all night making out. The rest is private! But seriously, this guy, his name is Skip--that's what everyone calls him, I'm sure it's not his real name, he is SO HOT!!!! He is by far the hottest guy I've been with so far. His body...absolutely incredible! And he's so nice, too. I don't really expect anything...well, ok, maybe so, but I'd definitely like something to. The thing about last night with him is that it was basically everything I'd been wanting. He HELD me in his arms the ENTIRE night. Not just until we fell asleep. I woke up literally in his arms. And there was not at one point he tried to not hold me. Or kiss me! This morning it was so cute, when we first woke up, he kissed me! And kept kissing me...so sweet! It did not feel like a one night fling at all. And I think that's why I was so comfortable with it (and him). I have absolutely NO regrets today. It was just a wonderful night. And I don't think that will be the end of it, since he invited me to a party tonight (said there's supposed to be one) and said he'd call me later. Trying not to think to much about it (the ever-elusive phone call) and trying not to get my hopes up. I've had a permanent smile on my face all day :)

Hear me I'm crying out

MY TREADMILL WORKS!!! FINALLY!!!! My dad figured out the problem and fixed it for me today. I'M SO HAPPY!!!!

And there were these nights where I'd sing myself to sleep

I just love rainy days like this--a steady rain with rumbling thunder in the distance. It was just so peaceful and relaxing that I had to get back into bed and sleep a little. I love when it gets really dark outside during the day. I can't think of anything more romantic. I wish I had somebody to cuddle with under the covers in a comfy, cozy bed. Maybe someday...

Now all that's left of me is what I pretent to be

It seems like everybody is having a birthday lately. I log onto facebook, and there greeting me everytime is this list that keeps getting longer everyday saying "so and so's birthday is today, so and so has a birthday on." Am I a bit jealous? Jealous, no. But I do wish my birthday would come sooner. Selfish, I know. But I feel like I really missed out on my 21st. And there's no one to blame for that except for myself. I was a different person then. Not like I am now. I'm going to go all out for my 22nd. It's going to be a 21 + 1 birthday...the 21st that I never, but should have, had. I've already started planning it. Well, sorta. I want all my friends there. We'll go out on Friday AND Saturday nights! Now, only 2 months to go...

And I know I'll never change my ways if I don't give you a no

Watching Everwood tonight made me wish I had waited. I don't regret what I did, but I wish I was able to share myself with someone that I truly loved, and who loved me back. I may never be able to get that first time back, but I can still experience what I thought I was waiting for for so long. It just may take awhile, and I can't make any promises. I do know that I don't want it to be meaningless again. Never, ever, will go back to Adam. I know I've said that a million times, and I definitely have broken that promise, but where does it get me? I was actually thinking about writing him an email the other night (after I'd had a few drinks, of course). But I sobered up real quick, and luckily I went with my instincts and DID NOT make that mistake. I'm so glad I came to my senses. It's this kind of stuff that I need to rid my life of. I've got the memories, and that's all that's left. There is no future with him. No point in wasting my dreams on him anymore. I'm just afraid that one day if--and this is a HUGE if--he calls and wants to see me, or I run into him somewhere, that I won't be able to resist. I don't want to be weak, be I fear that's what will happen. But deep in my heart, and especially in my head, I DO NOT WANT IT TO. It's only for the best--to keep my sanity intact. I'll never break the cycle if I don't just start telling myself no. No when my mind starts wandering back to him. No when I start thinking I want to see him. Only a long, long time from now will I safely be able to reminisce. Until then, there's a huge danger in doing so. I get stuck, and I end up not wanting to move on, when I know that's what I really want to do. I want to stop the madness that he's caused within me. Too much heartache lies within everything "Adam." He's caused me enough pain. Actually, I've caused myself most of the pain by continuously going back to him, whether in person or in memory. Truthfully, I feel numb to emotions right now. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced. I don't know whether it's from the medication I've been on (which I will hopefully be able to get off of soon), or if it's because I'm actually fully content and happy with myself and my life, and there's no serious drama to get in the way. I don't feel like I'm "happy" happy, but I'm definitely not sad. I'm just kind of "there." Not in a bad place, but one lacking emotion. The only thing that's really bothering me right now is my body image. Due to being sick, I have gained some weight. It's really probably only a couple of pounds, and I'm sure no one else can tell, but I certainly can. It's been forever since I felt so inadequate and insecure about my body. I just cannot wait until I can get back into my workout routine. It's all I want right now. I was just so fit, and I loved the way I looked, and most of all, how I felt. It's just really discouraging when you can't really fit very well into a pair of jeans that you wore just a couple months ago. But I've got to stay positive about it. I'm going to lose this excess weight once I become active again. But until then, I feel so helpless. I want to do so much, but my body won't let me. I've been taken hostage by this energy-stealing virus that just won't go away. I really don't know how I'm going to deal when school starts. I don't know if I'll be better by then. I'm just sick of being so tired all the time. Today was not a good day in that area. I felt weak and drained. That is the story of my life lately.

Take a photograph and laugh at me

I'm glad it started getting cloudy and rainy today. Not that I'm in a bad mood whatsoever, but I just didn't feel like sleeping through a beautiful sunny day again. Even though it'd be stifiling hot outside. Which is another good thing about it being cloudy--it keeps the temperature down. So that's basically what I've done today-- sleep. Recovering from a long night. I must say, I have a new perspective. I have a greater appreciation for everyone that has taken care of me when I've been really, really drunk. And that mainly means Ania. Wow. It is not fun at all, and really ruins your night. But it's something that I would have done, no matter what, because I know I'd have wanted the same thing. That's what friends are for. And everyone has those kind of nights where they drink way too much and lose control of themselves and basically pass out. I know I've definitely had one like Meredith experienced last night. And maybe a few more that haven't come quite as close, but close enough. Blake and Anna were so nice...they're like, Saturday night, we're picking you up so you won't have any worries. Which is sweet, but it's not like I go home anyways...I drive my car to his apartment complex and stay at his place. I said it wasn't necessary because then how would I get home the next day? I can't call my sister because she'd complain to me for that exact reason--why didn't you have your car? But the gesture is sweet anyways. They felt so sorry for me last night. But I don't think it would have been that fun of a night, anyways, for some reason. I was barely affected at all by what I had drank--an amount that normally would have definitely had an effect on me. Baja's just isn't that much fun--there's only been one time that I've actually had fun there. But it's okay. I've got Saturday to look forward to. And Friday...but no drinking that night. It'll be a movie night with the girls.

I know there's little use in crying

I found out today that Chloe has feline AIDS. And she's probably around 2 years old, not a kitten like we thought. But there's no way I'm going to abandon her. Someone's already done that once to her. She's such a sweet and beautiful cat. A little crazy at times, but I've fallen in love with her. It'll be hard (if and) when she gets sick. But that might not be for years and years. I'm going to take care of her and give her a really good life while she's alive. That's what it's all about. The quality, not necessarily the length of time, you have with a pet. I know it'll be very sad, and I hope I don't have to face that day, but I'll love her until her time comes. You wouldn't abandon a child if they developed a deadly disease; it's the same way for me with an animal. At least she doesn't know. There's peace in mind sometimes in being oblivious to the truth.