Cause you had a bad day...

I don't even want to think about it anymore, I've already thought about it so much. And it's driving me crazy because I don't know what I'm going to do. And all of it is mainly stuff that I don't want to do. And is it worth it to move all the way up here, working some job temporarily until I find the one I want? That's the question I have to ask myself. And then there's the question about money. I just don't know what to do at this point. I just want to go home. I'm bored to death and all alone. Yeah, those are great feelings to have, especially when you want to move away. But where I am right now isn't my home, and it wouldn't be my home. I'm also out in the middle of suburbia, where there is no one my age and nothing for me to do except wander (or more like drive, get stuck in traffic) around town and malls. Or sit at home, sleeping, watching tv or being on the computer. And how is this any different from when I really am home? It's because I'm not home. This trip has just lasted way too long, and I'm ready for it to be over. I've just gotta get through this long, boring day....

Make a wish, take a chance, make a change...and breakaway

It's official: I am in love with Washington, D.C. I just absolutely love the city. And I really haven't seen that much. But I can just feel it when I'm standing on the sidewalk, with the massive buildings rising before me, and the landmarks that are around every turn. Just today, after my interview, I was walking around, and it was so cool to call home and say when my mom asked me what I was doing, "just standing in front of the White House." And imagine, that's what it could be like everyday. Now, if I can just make a decision on a job to get me up here....I finally know what I want to do at this point in my life--and that's to work in politics, like up on the Hill, or in a lobbying/special interest organization. That's what I'll be happiest doing. And I'm trying to make it happen. I am so proud of myself, because after I came to my realization yesterday morning, I'm the one who initiated the moves from there. I'm still getting help, but it was my idea. And it's really all about who you know in this town--networking is key. So we'll see...

Watch my life pass me by, in the rearview mirror

I want to move to Washington, D.C. right now. I've got to get out of this place. I'm so sick of it. Of everything. I don't even care if I don't have a job yet. I want out of here. I've been so miserable lately. So lonely. I want to get out, to be around people. Meet people. But on my terms. I'm so tired of it always being what everyone else wants to do and me going along with it because I have no other choice. If I want to do something, it's maybe some other time, or I've gotta get this or that done, or some other suggestion. Or if there's a good idea to do something that's mine and I want to do it, it won't happen. Like tonight. I don't really want to go out and drink. Ania said she was invited to go to the funstation with some guy friends of hers, and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I said I did, because why not? It sounds like some fun, something different, and I haven't been there since I was in middle school. But no, she ends up not wanting to, and is out somewhere else. Says she's just going to stay home and do laundry, but I should still come over. But I don't want to. I don't want to stay in, and I don't want to go over to her apartment where a bunch of guys are going to be smoking pot and I don't want to smell like it and I don't want to just sit there doing nothing. I want to go out to Cafe Cabernet tomorrow night, since that's the night when all the college people go. I want to ask Ania, but I'm afraid. Why am I afraid? Because I know she'll say no. Or make up some excuse, like that she has class the next day. At 11am. Give me a fucking break. I've gone out plenty of nights, gotten completely wasted, and then woken up before 8am to go to class or work. There's no excuse for it. And it doesn't even have to be that way. I'm actually not really interested in drinking so much right now. And not that often. I just want to get out and been seen by people, particularly guys. I'm falling back into my old ways, and I don't want to. There's just no one to do anything with. So how will that change if I move? My problems will still be with me, but I will force myself to change. I've become lazy, and I'm sick of trying here. I've tried so hard, I just want to give up. It hasn't worked, and I'm tired of always being the one. The one to call. The one to feel like a complete idiot because she doesn't have any friends, and it's so obvious I don't. I want roommates. A couple of cool girls who like to go out. A few who will be my best friends. I see other people that have it. And I'm sooooo jealous, because it's what I want. It's all I've ever wanted. And I'm sick of regretting so many things about my past, and what I might miss in my future, or even today. I know, it doesn't make sense. I'm complaining, when I can go hang out with Ania. If she calls. Because I'm not calling her again. But I'm so tired of her calling all the shots, always running things on her terms. I don't know why I keep calling her my best friend. Because she hasn't acted like it in a very long time. And I don't feel like going somewhere where I'm going to be called out as being so quiet and why don't you talk. I don't feel like I can grow anymore here. It's only hindering me. I need someplace where I can feel like I can accomplish something, do something important, or at least fun. I need a city. With things to do. With lots of people. Where I can have the best time of my life. Because I don't think college was it.

It's all up in the air and we stand still to see what comes back down

It's been on my mind for a while. At first, it was just a thought, something I needed to think about, far away in the back of my mind. But every day it's creeped closer and closer to the forefront. And finally, it's all I can think about. And it's driving me insane. No, it's not a boy. It's my future. What I want to do with the rest of my life. Actually, it's more like what do I want to do this summer? What should I do? What do I want to accomplish? And where do I go from there? So many questions, so few answers. I honestly don't know what I want to do. Well, that's not true. I have a slim idea. I want to do something with politics. But do I really? That's what I think I want to do, but that's where I really don't know. I guess, though, that this is the time to find out. To try to find a job or something that will help me figure out if this is really what I want to do. I know that I'm not the only one in this position--so many people don't know what they are going to do. But I just graduated, and I feel like I should have some sort of plan, some type of road map that will lead me. However, I do not. It's up to me to make one for myself--the difficult part. I was about to freak out today when I got home, after spending an hour at the pharmacy waiting on a prescription, on top of doing nothing but sitting and bill watching, and a stupid guy, I got so frustrated. I need to do something. I can't not do something this summer. No more wasted summers as in the past literally 8 years. I need to make some money--I have the pressure from my dad to at least do that. Although, he fully supports me in my search to find out what I want to do-- I just need to have a paying job along the way. And I understand. But I just don't want any old waitressing job or something like that--I want something worthwhile, that will help me gain more experience. AHHHHHHHHHHH! I just want to scream. I am so confused. I feel like I have to make a decision right now. Because time's wasting. I need to get out a town for a few days. I need a mini-vacation. What I really want to do it go to New York. And Italy. And move to Washington, which I know will happen, because I'm going to make it and besides, my parents have already told everyone that's where I'm going. No pressure, right??!!

And it's gone, gone going

I just worked out for the second time today. All because of what I ate for dinner. I went out with Kathryn, and we went to this cute little Italian place. The food was really good, but I felt so guilty eating it. I didn't want to, but there really was barely anything on the menu. It was only chicken parmasen, but the chicken was fried and there was so much cheese. And I really felt like running for 10-15 minutes when I got home to work off some of those calories. So I did. Is that crazy? It's actually the first time I've done that. I had cake 2 days last weekend and didn't care and I didn't work out Friday or Saturday and was ok with it. But maybe that's why I felt I had to tonight. I don't know. But I do know I feel somewhat better. I just wish I hadn't had that to eat. And that's not a good thing to be thinking.

I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell

Today has been...well, not much of anything. I'm still working at my internship (my last day is Thursday), and what I'm mainly doing is sitting up at the Capitol outside the House watching bills. More like sitting there, bored to death. It gives me too much time to think. Really about nothing. Except a certain boy. Who nothing will change with. I wanted it to, thought for a second that it might. But I know in my heart that it won't. Why? Because they're all the same. I just don't think I can trust any guy anymore. Nothing that they say is true. Or at least, it's some distortion of the truth. Maybe they are speaking the truth and I just don't want to see it. No, it's mainly lies that they tell, empty promises that are easily forgotten or broken. I'm not the least bit bitter, lol. But seriously, he just needs to stop. Stop pretending to care about me. Stop acting like he wants to be at the minimum friends when he doesn't even really want that, except when we end up running into each other or I'm over at his apartment with Ania to be there with his other roommates. The funny thing is, I'm not exactly sure that I like him. I mean, I do to some extent, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this way. I'm just sick of all the stupid games that guys play. That I have to play along with so I don't appear too eager or come on too strong or want anything more than what things currently are. I'm still not really wanting to be in a relationship. But I want a guy to stick around for a little bit. To want to get to know me. Because I've been here many, many times before now. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me that they don't want to get to know. Obviously. But I know that's not it, everyone says that's not it. But maybe I'm just one of those people that will go from guy to guy from one failed dating attempt to another. I don't know why I was chosen for this to happen to. I was upset before I started writing tonight. I don't know why I'm making myself feel bad right now. So I'm just going to go and stop now while I'm ok.

Maybe I'm just stupid, or just want to think the best about people. But I doubt anything will ever change, just like I originally thought.

you see yourself in the mirror and you feel safe cuz it looks familiar

Maybe things won't be like they were last time. Maybe I was just freaking out about nothing again. I tend to do that. It was a huge relief to get his text message today, because all day I was thinking the worst. The worst being I wouldn't hear from him again, that he really didn't care, that it was meaningless to him. That he didn't want me. Still, I can't jump the gun, because I don't know what's going to happen. He may have texted other people. But he was thinking of me at the least. I take it as a good sign, a first step. He would always ask Ania how I was doing or what I was up to. He finally asked me himself. It wasn't a call, no, but it's a small but very big step that just may mean he's serious about wanted to hang out with me this time. Because I made it clear that it was not meaningless, that I thought much more of that night than that little problem and that I hoped he actually wanted to hang out for real this time like he said he did. Because I know it's a big deal to him. And I hope he realizes it was a big deal for me, too. Maybe he's finally going to let go of whatever has been holding him back and stop being so afraid.