I just want to scream and lose control

I just can't seem to figure out what I want. And it's so frustrating. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm a complete mess. But then, when I'm feeling calm again, I just blame it on me overreacting. Sometimes I think I am, but am I really? These feelings come from somewhere inside of me where I'm feeling unsettled, unhappy. Maybe I'm afraid of change, which is why I keep saying that I don't really mean those things. I keep trying to convince myself that it's not so bad after all, but then I succumb to those breakdowns. Emotions that are not just coming out of nowhere. Part of me really does want to move away to a big city or travel around the world. But the thing that keeps me from it is doing it on my own. Being alone. It's not that I'm afraid of doing it on my own, but the fact that I'd be alone. And I'm tired of always being by myself and not sharing some experience with someone. And I'm not necessarily talking about a guy, but a friend as well. I had a big cry about this Saturday night. After I didn't get to go out after all. All I want is to be happy--no, content--with my life. That's something I continue to struggle with each day. Including today.

You know it's over before it begins

So I give up on him. I stopped trying last week, even after he called me. I called him back like he asked--he never called me back. Not that night, not the next day. Guess he didn't mean it? But what was the point of even asking in the first place? That's what pisses me off. But I never called him. If he wanted to, he would call me. Saw him on Friday when we went over to Durel's place. Didn't mention anything; just acted like nothing had ever happened. He said he'd give me a call later to see what we were up to that night. Wasn't really expecting him to follow through. Ended up seeing him a second time back at their place when we went to pick Durel up this time; he seemed to act kind of strange. He came out, and hovered around me. I couldn't tell if he was trying to talk to me or what. I talked with him some, but it was like he was trying to talk to me more and he didn't really know what to do. He asked me if I was going out the next night, and I said probably not, and he was like, are you sure? I said I don't know, he said he'd give me a call. Definitely thought that was a joke, because I knew I'd never get that call. And I was right. But whatever. I don't need him. He never could have provided me with what I want. So that's that. Not that it doesn't suck.

I picture them all alone

Why am I so jealous? I can't help but wonder if I'm being played. I'm trying to not let it get to me and ignore this feeling, but at the same it makes me really suspicious. I can't tell anyone, because they'll just say I'm being dumb and overreacting. But how would you feel if you liked a guy, and he "supposedly" likes you & you're talking/seeing/who knows what the fuck we're doing with him, and there's this girl who is constantly talking and flirting and leaving him messages? Yeah, it makes me insecure. Especially because I don't know what is going on, what his intentions are. I called him back like he said to do after I was done with the gym, but I never heard back from him. Doesn't necessarily mean anything. But I'm really wondering if he'll call me today and still want to go to dinner with me. God, I hate this! I just go absolutely crazy whenever I get involved with a guy--and not in a good way. At first, I'm completely elated. But then, the worst in me starts to seep out--especially my insecurity. I become so paranoid that he doesn't like me, that it's over with him. Why do I get like this? I just hope he keeps good on his offer. Because I'm not going to take being second to some other girl, even if it is just a friend. I deserve to be given attention, and will not be ignored. The ball's back in his fucking court, like it always is.

I can have another you in a minute

Well, now I feel stupid for another reason! He called me, finally :) Thank God I haven't been trying to contact him, because then I would have looked psycho (and if anyone knew how I was feeling, haha). But, I guess this is the normal progression of things. How it's supposed to be. Glad I slowed down (in my actions, not my head!). Of course, it doesn't seem like it the way I've been writing on here. I don't know why I do it to myself--getting all worked up. I guess it's because I really didn't think he'd call again. But this is what real dating is, I suppose? So he does still like me, and does want to see me. That's all I needed to know. And we're going to go to dinner either tomorrow night or friday. I think I prefer Friday. That way, the night doesn't have to end! I just feel so much better now. Relieved.

Just do it with love

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That's how I feel. Dumb for falling again, for ever thinking this time was different. I'm not an idiot--I know when a guy is pulling away. Especially when you know he's talking to other girls. And not you. What an idiot I am. Again, it's over before it ever began. In the span of a fucking week. In a way, it's like if a 19-year-old guy doesn't like a hot 23-year-old, then that's his problem. But then again, it's another disappointment. What the hell do I do wrong? It has to be me. Something about me, the way I act, what I say. Every single time this happens. Nothing. I never get a chance. Never. I shouldn't have tried to get him to go to spring weekend. I shouldn't have said that stuff about going because of me. Because of course, what guy would do anything for me?

This love is killing me but you're the only one

I finally admitted to someone else--and myself--that I really don't like my job. I think I'm going to start looking around for another one or maybe even look into going back to school. I want to be happy and like what I do, but the truth is, and I can't keep denying it, I don't. But I still feel so guilty about it. And I don't know what's going to happen with Alex. I'm slowing down so I don't scare him away. And I'm not going to talk to him again until he contacts me or it's been a few days. No, have to wait until he wants to call or talk to me. Otherwise, I get the hint.

You know what I want? I want someone who thinks I'm special. Who talks to me and sees me differently from every other girl he knows. Someone whose face lights up when he talks about me or hears my name. Someone who wants to spend time with me--but not all their time. I'm not trying to take them away from their friends or their life--I just merely want to enhance it. And, of course, their life would be much better with me in it, anyways. Someone who would break plans once in a while just because he knows I really want to see him, like I stupidly have done for guys who didn't deserve it in the past. Someone that I can trust, and finally lose this insecurity that he really doesn't like me or is going to leave. Someone who remembers the little things and calls just because he wants to hear my voice and know that I'm here. Someone that actually wants to be my boyfriend, and proves it through his actions. I know I'm dreaming, though. I don't know why it works out for some, and never for me. I really just need to know about Alex. What does he want? I can't do this too much longer. I'm already in too deep, or at least that's how I feel. I just can't take another disappointment. Does he like just me? Or is he just taking what he can get right now before something better comes along. I am not one of those girls, and I refuse to be that to someone.

What goes around comes around

In another crappy mood so far today. Guess I wasn't able to shake off yesterday's down-in-the-dumps mood. Hopefully I'll feel better later. I know that hearing from a certain someone will put a smile on my face (that is, if he doesn't give me bad news). I didn't talk to him yesterday. Which is ok, because it's better that we don't talk every single day at this point. That could make him think things are getting way too serious and he'd run away like every other guy. But still, I would have liked to. But I refrained from calling or messaging him. I did send him a little good morning message today, though. Just to say hi and see what he was up to this evening and if he wanted to hang out (code word for makeout, haha). The whole spring weekend thing is still stressing me out a little bit, because it's all up in the air for me. Ania never called me back, even after I tried to get in touch with her. I just hope she wasn't avoiding my call because there was bad news. Why can't I just think on the positive side? I want this day to be over before it even begins. Not necessarily because of not going to work tomorrow (well, partly), but because I just don't want to be here at work right now. All I can think of is how I'm going to get through the day--9 fucking hours doing stuff I don't want to be doing. Or nothing at all. Just feeling blah and so fucking insecure. I hate it so much. I wish I could believe in myself more. It comes and goes. Right now, it's gone.

I can't let myself be happy, without thinking that it won't last or that something just isn't right.

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?

So I was wrong. That was not my last freakout of the day. Trying to calm down right now from another one. Except it was brought on not by a boy, but my plans for the weekend. It wasn't supposed to be so difficult. I don't know why it is, but now I'm all worried that I won't be able to get a band and I'll be stuck there by myself, unable to join in on the fun. It's just frustrating. I always have to be left out. I don't understand why they were able to use someone else's spot, and why I wasn't. Doesn't make any sense. It's just one rollercoaster of a day. Up and down, up and down. Feeling fine one minute, the next I just want to break down and cry. I just want it to be over with. And I want to hear from Alex. I need some cheering up.

Our lips can touch

Stop it. Stop it RIGHT NOW. Why am I doing this to myself? I have absolutely NO reason in the world to be upset or to burst into tears. This fear just swept over me. My insecurities just flooded my head and all I could think of was the worst-case scenario: that he really doesn't like me. Honestly, how do I just go from one high, to a complete low, for absolutely no reason, and no provocation? Everything is fine. Stupid facebook walls and dumb girls who are always making comments. It's my fault. ALL MY FAULT. For any doubt that I may feel. I am the cause of it all. We were messaging back and forth all afternoon. After HE had sent me a text saying he had a good time last night. Then, HE calls me later in the evening to tell me something that he just saw--with ME in it. For him to see that video of me dancing drunk, he had to be talking ABOUT ME with the person who showed him the video. And he obviously just had to tell me he had seen that...me making a complete fool of myself! So why the sudden freakout?? Why can't I just have enough confidence in myself to believe that he does like me, and only me? I mean, who did he get out of bed for to go meet me at 12:30am where I was out? Who just randomly texts me that he's bored, when he himself can't read texts? And who, when asked to hang out this week, immediately suggested that very same night? Who became touchy-feely with me? Who didn't want me to stop kissing him and leave? Who asked if he could stay the night again? Who said he could keep kissing me all night? Who might that be who did all of this?? HE DID. And what happened to feeling different with him--for real? I still do. I do believe he likes me. But it's still up in the air about what that means, so it's making me question everything. It's driving my insecurity, which, if I don't get in control, will destroy everything. But, it's all remained just in my head. It originated there, and it will die there, because nothing real exists that should make me feel otherwise. Let that be my last freakout. You know I had to at least have one, or else this wouldn't be me.

I'm happy and I can thank myself

That stupid insecurity of mine is starting to creep up on me again. Just gotta keep telling myself to ignore it, that there's nothing to worry about. And if anything, that will ruin things if I let it go to far. It's just the stage that I'm in right now. Things have begun, are going really well...but I can't tell what is coming next. I'm approaching the fork in the road, and it's not my choice which way I go. That's up to him. I'm trying to not focus on the negative. Don't think about the bad. Right now, I really don't want to, either. It's just at times, it pops up in my mind and I start questioning things--his words, his actions. Over-analyzing the situation. Typical me. But I don't feel as crazy as I did when things were happening with Chris. Maybe because I was going through a lot emotionally that I couldn't control. Or maybe because this guy is just different. I just have to keep going slow, keep my confidence up, and if things don't happen to work out, well, then that's that and eventually it will with someone. Of course, some tears may be shed at some point. But for now, the smile still hasn't faded. And he sent me a text saying he had a good time last night :) Let him come to me...

I can see us holding hands...

I don't care how tired I may feel today, it is beyond worth it! Wow...I don't think I've ever had a makeout session like that before. I've never felt like I did, nor had someone put so much passion and intensity into it. And hands didn't even wander to unwanted places! That was definitely nice, not having to worry about going further or feeling like I should. It also shows it wasn't simply about sex. Because if that's all that he wanted, well, he would've tried. And I don't feel like that's all he wants from me at some point in the future, either. It's so exciting...but also very scary! Exciting for the possibilities that this may hold. Scary for the way I'm already falling so fast and not wanting to get hurt--again. Right now, I don't feel too worried. But I'd definitely like to know where I stand and what he's about. I just know he didn't want to leave me last night :) And we could've kissed for hours and hours more, except we both knew I had to go to sleep. But it's our little joke--being tired the next day is worth it for having a good night. I definitely agree.

I wish that I could be like I was before

Uh-oh. This is not good. I think I'm starting to fall for him...I know it's too soon--way too soon. I don't even know if he likes me. Or wants anything more. But I just can't seem to help myself! It seems like he might, but that's just it: things aren't always what they seem to be. And I know that fact very well, which is why I don't want to get attached. Yet. This early. Part of me is saying just go with it, let yourself fall for him. But the other (smarter) side of me is saying you're just setting yourself up for another disappointment and heartbreak. Maybe it's because I'm just liking the attention I'm getting right now. Or maybe it's because I see the potential that this could be. Stupid crushes! I just know that I can't get too involved, because I'll end up being hurt. And feeling really dumb because I know what will eventually become of this: nothing. I don't want to think so negatively, and I really am not, but it's naive to think otherwise. It's not that I want for nothing to happen, it's just that I've lost faith in believing that a guy will ever want to be in a relationship with me. And I'm even more hesitant with this guy because he's younger than me and we're in different places in our lives. I've got expectations about what I want, and I'm not settling for less. I want a relationship, and I'm not going to waste my time anymore with guys who don't want that with me. It's not asking for too much. It's simply that I know what I want now and am sticking to it. I don't want anymore hook-ups or one-night-stands. Been there, done that, moving on. I can't pretend that I'm not looking for more, because I am. I'm reading too much into this. But really, I'm not. I'm just trying to protect myself and not get caught up in my feelings. I hate having my guard up like this because it's not me at all. I'm so used to just throwing myself into a crush. But I just can't ignore past experiences, because I've learned this lesson all too well. I just really, really hope that he keeps giving me a reason to smile, because that's all I'm asking for.

And we play all night

Oh, and I just remembered he also said something about during the day he thinks about hanging out with me, but then he's like, she's at work! So sweet :) And another thing, on a different topic...I did it. I signed up to be a Big Sister. Now I just have to wait for a call back to go through the process. I'm actually really excited about it!

You're not the person that I once knew

Don't fall. Don't fall. Don't fall. Oh, but it's so hard not to! Especially when you're still riding that high from a good night! I can't get my hopes up, no matter how much I want to. Good indicators of maybe something more, but you never can tell. I've felt that way about a lot of nights in the past, always feeling like "this guy is different." Well, maybe this time he is different from all the others. But I can't read into that much, otherwise I'll just be setting myself up for disappointment. I think I'd like him to be different, but I can't jump the gun. Got to keep going slow like we have. No obsessive drunk phone calls! Definitely a huge no-no! He doesn't seem to care too much about the age difference, at least I didn't get that vibe last night. And it's not because he was drunk, because he wasn't (he only had like 2 beers--he's a big guy so that does nothing to him!). And he literally got out of bed just to come hang out with me. That definitely has mean something. But trying not to let it go to my head...he did say something about being here this summer, and having to do with seeing him...hmmmm. The possibilities of what that may or may not mean. And he was the one who contacted me yesterday after a few days, and wanted to know what I was doing that night, and when I had plans asked me about the weekend (even though he's going out of town...not really sure why he asked that). He was the one who said we needed to hang out, and when he was about to not make it out, said we must next week. He obviously wanted to see me. That's not really looking into it too much, is it? But that's what girls do. We over-analyze everything when it comes to guys. Every little word, every little action/non-action. It's hard not to. And why guys always seem to be so oblivious, I have no idea. So now it's all about waiting and seeing what happens. Joy!

I want to make a difference in someone's life. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I need some purpose. I need to do something worthwhile. I've never been good with kids, but for some reason I feel like I want to volunteer with kids. Not too young, though. Still probably won't be any better at interacting with them, but I want to be a mentor to someone. It wouldn't take a lot of time. But I think it would help me a lot, as well as a young kid.

This is how you remind me

Another day, another long, boring day at work. That's my life these days--work. Work, but doing nothing but sitting at a computer all day. And occasionally actually doing something interesting. Other than that, I try and find things to interest me. Mainly just browsing on the Internet, getting ideas about things that I can make and do. The problem is, I get all these great ideas that I really want to do, but then when I go home, I don't get anywhere because it means I have to be on the computer again. Plus, I only have like 2 hours between coming home from the gym, eating, taking a shower, and before you know it, it's bedtime. So I rarely get anything done then. So much wasted time. I feel guilty though for not liking my job. The environment and people are great. Where else would I be able to work and wear the clothes that I do? I love not having to get dressed up for work--at least in business attire. But I dread having to come to work. I usually get by the mornings ok, but by lunch, not only am I starving, but I absolutely have to get out of the office. This has contributed to some not-so-good habits: tanning and shopping. I'm not quitting, but I don't know how much longer I can take it. I am not challenged at all. I feel like--no, I know--I could be doing so much more with all the talents I have. But then I have to tell myself to put things in perspective. This is my first job ever, afterall, and it hasn't been even a year yet. And what the heck else would I be doing? The money is what really keeps me going for the most part. It's decent for my first job, and I kind of need it since I'm supporting myself now. But after a year, I want a raise. I'm an incredibly smart, gifted, and talented 23 year old who could be doing so much more for the minimum I'm being paid. It's just getting annoying, and I keep lashing out, especially after drinking, about how I hate working and having responsibilities. I'm too responsible--that's my problem. No time for fun. Just getting up fucking early and being so tired all day and then going to the gym and then going home and sleeping. No time for anything else. I'm too tired to do anything else at night and simply find myself just not wanting to do anything. But there's so much that I do want to do. It just sucks. Responsibility fucking sucks.