I wanna know what goes on in your mystery

Ok, so this is reallllly bugging me right now. I talk to Ania, and she says everytime she sees Micah, he always asks about me. How's she doing, what is she up to. If he wants to know so bad, WHY DOESN'T HE JUST ASK ME HIMSELF???? I haven't heard from him or seen him since last Tuesday at the house. If he cares so much, why doesn't he call? Or respond to me? I sent him that message saying sorry about if I seemed to act weird, but he didn't say anything back. I called him Thursday night, but he didn't answer and I didn't leave a message and he never called back. And stupidly, I sent him a text message just saying hi on Friday night. I wish I hadn't done that. But I haven't heard from him AT ALL. And it's really pissing me off. I'm not calling him. I shouldn't have to. He can find out himself what is going on with me if he really wants to know. But obviously, he doesn't. Why is he sooooo confusing? He says he wants to be friends, get to know each other better, hang out. So why is he acting this way??? I'm trying, so why isn't he, when it was his freaking idea? I really want to call him out on it, like if you really want to know, you should just ask me yourself instead of going through Ania everytime. Most of the time I haven't even talked to Ania, so she has no idea anyways. She always tells him he should give me a call, too. He should really take her advice. I'm going to have to force myself to stay away from facebook tonight, because I want to write on his wall good luck on finals, but I KNOW I shouldn't. It's too tempting. But it'll only end in disappointment, as he won't respond and he STILL WON'T CALL. That's what I need to keep telling myself. And try so hard not to contact him, because it's all up to him at this point. I've made it clear that I'd like to talk to him (by calling) and that I think about him (the text message). Now it's his turn to prove it to me that he wants to hang out and be friends. And he still has to work on everything else that he's already screwed up. Because I haven't forgotten.

Spending all your time on me, on me

Last night I had a mini-breakdown. It just came over me all of a sudden. Ania wanted me to go out, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I mean, I did want to, but things were holding me back: having to get up early in the morning, I didn't really feel like drinking, and I didn't want to have all those empty calories. It pretty much triggered the crying. I felt like if I didn't go out, I'd be missing out. But I really, really didn't want to. So I call mom crying and asking her what I should do. She says I need to go back on my medication. I don't know. Maybe I need to. I have been really up and down lately emotionally. And I feel like I am falling back into some familiar patterns, at least mentally. The negative voices in my head are getting louder. I've definitely noticed a changed with the way I look and feel about my body. It's been really bad lately. I'm obsessed with food--I think about what I'm going to eat, and when I'm going to eat all the time. And I get mad at myself for eating something like an apple or a banana. I don't eat bad foods--I eat very healthy. I can't believe I get so mad at myself for eating something now. But I also feel like I've been eating so much--but a lot of nothing that I should feel guilty about. I don't know where this came from. It's scaring me. But enough about that. So, I have no idea what's going on with Micah. He never called me back after I returned his call. But I got a drunk facebook message from him Friday night and a wall comment. In the message he said that he was letting me in on a little secret that he's incredibly afraid of getting close to someone and thought I deserved to know that. I really don't know what that meant. And why he told me. Is he afraid of getting close to me specifically? So I wrote him back. And it wasn't too nice. I told him he should just tell me exactly how he felt and that he wasn't the guy I though he was. He wrote me back the next day this whole explanation. And as I was responding back to that, he called me Sunday evening. Of course it turns out it was after he had talked to Ania. But he apologized. A million times. Said he was really sorry he acted like such a jerk and for treating me that way. He told me what he wanted--which is not a relationship. He kept saying he didn't know what I wanted or how I felt after that night, because it was a big deal to him (he doesn't exactly do that...well, technically neither do I). So I told him exactly where I stand--no relationship, not even a boyfriend. So we agree there. I don't know. We talked for a while. After we got all that stuff out, we started talking about religion somehow. Then we got cut off and I called Ania. And she said that he told her Joey, one of my sisters and supposed friends and good friends with Micah, said I was going around telling everyone I'd had random sex with him. That really got me upset. For one thing, it was completely false. I never told anyone but Ania about that night (and we didn't even have sex!). I felt betrayed by someone I thought was a friend. I felt humiliated. And I couldn't believe that he thought that I did that! All in all, it was just a situation of misinformation and lack of communication. We didn't know how each other felt or what each of us wanted. So now...we're supposed to be friends. Getting to know each other more. He showed up at dinner with Joey yesterday. So awkward. I saw him coming down the stairs, and of course, what do I do? My standard reaction--I ignore him, act like I didn't know he was there. He comes up to me after a little while, and I act surprised to see him. Says to come over and sit with them. So I do. He makes a comment about my little photoshoot I put on facebook--he was like "yes!"--a little embarassing. I'm pretty much silent the whole time (what's new). But I feel really awkward because I didn't know what to say or do. And I was eating, on top of that. That's the worst for me. Being nervous and eating. I just feel so stupid and self conscious. So eventually I have to get up to leave to go to class. I stand up, and I can tell he wants to give me a hug goodbye the way he was moving his arm. But I couldn't get over to him, nor did I know what I should do. So he ends up blowing me a kiss good bye. Talked about surprised! I was like, oh, ok. Gave a little embarassed smile, because both Joey and their friend Griffin looked at me right after he did that, just as surprised as I was. I have NO IDEA what the hell that means! I had sent him a text message the night before inviting him to something just to invite him, and he wrote back with "oh, sweetheart." This boy is soooo confusing. I don't think he calls his other friends sweetheart. And I don't think he blows them kisses goodbye, either. I feel like I also got the feeling he wanted to kiss me when he came over to say hi to me at dinner. But I don't really remember. He still wants to hang out. But I haven't heard from him since I saw him. I sent him a little facebook message saying I was sorry if I seemed like I was acting weird at dinner and I didn't mean to I was just feeling quite awkward. He didn't write back. Don't know what that means, either. But he did look sooo cute yesterday. He cut his hair and he had the whole five 'o clock shadow thing going on. I still can't get over what that kiss goodbye meant. ??????

You had your chance...you blew it

What a bad week this has been. We had to put Lucy to sleep on Monday. That was the worst. It was so horrible--and incredibly hard--to see her the way she was. And then to watch her die. It still doesn't seem like it's real. I haven't been home again yet, so it hasn't completely hit me. I've been ok all week after Monday. Until today. Another guy turned out to be a complete jerk. Why the hell did he say he wanted to hang out with me, that he didn't want anything serious? Because that's exactly what I want. I'm every guy's dream right now, seriously. No committment. Just want to hang out (and you know...). I'm not looking for a relationship. Well I guess he is, because he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. He was such a jerk at that party. And he calls to apologize yesterday afternoon. Asks me to give him a call later. I call him back, reluctantly (but also later). No answer. So I don't leave a message. Can't take my eyes off my phone. Doesn't call back. So I call back, thinking because I didn't leave a message, so he wouldn't call back. No answer again. This time I leave a message saying I got his message and for him to call me back so we could talk. I think he purposely didn't answer my calls. THEN WHY THE HELL DID HE CALL IN THE FIRST PLACE??? AND ASK ME TO CALL HIM BACK????????? It's really bothering me. Especially this evening. I was on the verge of tears--about him, about Lucy, about everything. I'm not in that great of a mood. If he goes online tonight, I'm talking to him and going to ask him straight up what is going on. Because it's pissing me off. And I can't stand not knowing. Even though I know it's probably a bad idea. I don't really care. I need to know.

I'm so sick of love songs, so tired of tears

No matter what, I always seem to return to this place. It's a circle that never ends. And I'm afraid it never will. I want it to, and I'm trying so hard to end it, but after a while, it just becomes so exhausting. I have three weeks left. But three weeks of what to look forward to? A lot, but then again, it'll all be things I'll end up missing out on because of the same old reasons. Another week out of my life was wasted; but this time I really couldn't help it because I was sick. I still am sick. I wish I was able to go out tonight. But then again, who would I be going out with? I'd have to make a million phone calls to people who could care less about me. Ania is in her own world. I have no one, as usual. I wish people would call me. And not because I already called them first. And that's why they call it a wish.