What day is it? and in what month?

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! IT NEEDS TO END NOW! I AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!! I haven't felt so depressed in forever. This is what it does to me. It's what it did to me for my whole college career. I don't know how I ever did it--studied so much. Now I can't stand it. It's horrible and it puts me in a bad mood. I'm absolutely miserable right now. What makes it even worse is how all of my tests have been so spread out...it's been dragged out all week. And I still have 3 to go. I just can't do it anymore. I don't have the concentration. I don't have the drive. Or the motivation. What scares me is the possibility of failure. Not about letter grades. Just about not doing well--failing, getting a really bad grade. I don't want that. That's why I suffer on...yet, it's taking its toll on me. I feel like I used to feel. Stuck inside my house all day, not seeing anyone, not going anywhere because I have to study. It sucks. It really, really sucks. Not looking forward to tomorrow...another long day of needing to study. And I'm not even trying to make an A. Just trying to pass and get a decent grade. But I've screwed myself over by not keeping up...but has that really been such a bad thing? I think deep down is that I still don't want to make less than an A. I'm afraid. Even though I keep telling myself that I don't have to, I'm not sure if I truly believe it. The possibility of it scares me...it's all I've ever known. Yet, why do I want something that has caused me so much misery and suffering all my life? I don't want it. And I know it. It's just that it really could happen this time, and am I prepared for it? I hate not being prepared. Especially for tests and quizzes. It's one of my worst nightmares...and believe me, I have had dreams before where I showed up for tests unprepared, and woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat...It's the anxiety...but surprisingly, I haven't been feeling stressed. A little nervous, maybe, but not stressed. Just irritated to have to study to much. Because that's the old me. The me that I wanted to get rid of. That I thought I got rid of. Actually, I guess I did because if I still really cared so much, I would be stressed and would just get it done...but I don't care as much, and want it to all be over with. The next 2 days are going to be 2 of the longest days I've had in a while. Friday, 12:00pm and it's over. For 3 months.

you've got my head spinning, i don't know where to go from here

School needs to be over. Now. No more studying. I can't take it anymore. I don't have the concentration anymore. I just want to go out. Yes, the words that I thought I'd never be saying...but it's been a week and I'm just dying to go back out...tired of staying home. But it's exam week...I don't have an exam tomorrow...but there's probably not a lot of people out anyways. And plus I should be studying. Yeah, should be. Tried it. Attempted to all day. Made a little progress, but my attention span was and still is very short today. Gonna try a little bit more later. I was supposed to hang out with Ania tonight, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. She hasn't called me like she said she would. But it's ok. It's probably better that I don't and just go to bed so I'm not tired...it's going to be a long day of studying tomorrow. I'm not used to staying in, having no place to go...I've gotten so used to being out or at Ania's or out with her somewhere, so it's weird...there's all this time, yet, not enough of it. I tend to waste most of it...mainly here on the computer. Facebook will be the death of me, I swear. I've gotta stop...I check it a million times a day to see if I've gotten any messages or to see what's new and such...always check you-know-who's page...but I've really had it with him. I know, here I go again...overanalyzing everything and complaining, saying I'm going to do this and that, and then go and do it...He just makes me so mad. So inconsiderate. And I hate inconsiderate people. Rude, too. Not returning phone calls, messages, even if it's just out of polite curtesy. But whatever. Who needs him? I certainly don't. I'm an incredibly amazing and beautiful person with so much to offer...and why waste what I've got on someone who doesn't care? It's pointless. And stupid. And I need to get off this thing now and study.

But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles

Memories flooded my mind this evening as I was studying. They just came and washed all my concentration way. First, I smiled as I thought about how wonderful it was to kiss him, to hear the sound of his voice, to see the sight of his face, to feel his arms wrapped around me...but then I thought about the little things that I liked about him, the things that really mattered...and I shed a tear...but I didn't cry. I won't. Never again over him. This heart of mine will be unbroken no more. Slowly, I will mend it, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day...and I will be whole again. But really, I never will. A piece remains missing every time you place your heart in the hands of someone you care about. It's just the risk you take. You trust that person to treat it gently, to treat it as if it were their own...but it doesn't always work out that way, and it becomes damaged in the process. A small or large piece--depending on how much you gave up--is lost forever with that person. And you only hope that they lost part of their heart when they gave up you. I didn't expect to be feeling like this again. I've stumbled backwards, and I'm desperately tried to make it back to where I had been. I was much better before. I was almost at the point where I was completely over him. But that day...and the series of days since then...everything's come rushing back like a raging river. Especially these past few days. Because I know it's about to be truly over--more so than it is now. And it's about time I start acting like it.

This clock never seemed so alive

Let's face it...he's just not that into me. Ania got the book for me last week...read the first chapter last night. Agree with most of what it says, but not all of it...some of that stuff is just too freakishly true...I guess every girl/woman goes through the exact same things with guys. As I was reading it, I realized everything they were saying could apply to my situation. Why am I wasting my time on this guy? It's so obvious...all the signs are there. But I just don't want to believe that it's true. I don't want to accept the fact that he doesn't want to be with me. It's a hard thing to admit to yourself. But it's something I'm going to have to do, because I can't keep holding on to a person who feels no sort of attachment to me. It's not fair. To him. To me mostly. Because he doesn't care. I'm the furthest thing from his mind...when he's always on mine. It's gotta stop because it's going to drive me crazy and possibly hinder other potential relationships. I've learned a lot. What not to do mainly. But there is someone out there for me, and I know I'm gonna find him soon. I can feel it. And he's going to do whatever it takes to ask me out. Because a guy who's really into you will go to the ends of the Earth just to be with you. And that's what I'm trying to find.

cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do

I want to keep writing. In a way I'm stalling...using up time so I don't have to study. But this also just feels so good. Because I'm letting myself get down for no good reason. Over a STUPID GUY!!! I want this week to be over. I wish it would never start. But then that would just keep putting it off and would make things worse. I wish this week would just magically disappear. If it weren't for exams, I'd be perfectly fine. Actually, I don't want it to end. I want the classes to, but not everything else. I don't want Ania to go home. I don't want Adam to go home. But maybe that's what I need. For him to finally not be here. Because I know that while he is here, there's the chance that he'll call and want to hang out with me...but if he's home, then I know there's no chance at all that would happen. And I could finally say that it was over. Except that there's next year. But I'm going to have a someone by then. I'm going to be with someone. Not him. Because he's not worthy of me. I deserve 100 time better than him. Ania thinks I can definitely do better. But I like him. Unfortunately. I'm not settling, believe me, because if someone else came along today that was totally and completely crazy about me and I was attracted back, then I would forget about Adam. Except I really wouldn't. He'd still be there. No matter what though, he always will. There's a special place for him...no matter how much it hurts. It'll ease with time, but right now it's like an open wound that just cannot heal. That won't heal. That doesn't want to heal. I keep reinjuring it everytime I think about him. Everytime I want to call him. When in the rare instances he calls. Over and over and over again...I thought it was hilarious when I saw he'd joined a group on facebook for hopeless romantics...umm, sorry, but that just doesn't describe him. At least from what I've witnessed. I definitely qualify for that title, but him...I'm just glad I didn't compromise my values for him...because there was a time, after I saw him that night at the club, I thought about it...but then I snapped out of it and realized that would have just made things a million times worse. There'd be no way for me to forget about him. Ever. And when he didn't call and history repeated itself...I'd be crushed. More than crushed. It'd feel like a thousand knives were stabbing me in my chest. I'd never be the same. And I would've lost something that is so important to me. Something that I don't take lightly at all. Something that I'm waiting to share with the guy I fall in love with...and who falls completely in love with me. I just keep going back and forth--being wrenched in different directions every moment. Most of the time I've been inbetween lately. And I think that's where I'll remain for a while. As long as I don't fall back. Because I can't handle that. What I really want is to move forward. I'll get there...one day.

and I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

Why can't I get him out of my head? Why??? Why am I always thinking about him? I should be moving on. I need to move on. I sent him a message on facebook today just wondering how his weekend was going and wished him good luck on his exams. It was actually Ania's idea because I wasn't going to talk to him or anything unless he did first. But who knows when or if that would've ever happened. Told her the story about how he called last week on the way home from the airport and how we'd been messaging back and forth...said at least we were making some progress. But I shouldn't get any more involved. I don't have time for him to occupy my mind this week. Too much unwanted studying to do. But I'm not gonna stress myself out. Just going to take it one day at a time and do what I can. I'm not nearly as worried as I have been. I think it's because I know what to expect, unlike midterms. And I'm in a very good position grades-wise, so I only have to get a minimum...and if I slip a letter grade (from an A), it's no big deal, because it's not worth compromising my sanity to achieve that stupid symbol that has haunted me my entire life. Sad news...Ania won't be here this summer after all...but it's not going to stop me from going out because I'll find people (Matt! and Amanda, too) to go out with. It's not going to be a boring summer spent alone. I'm gonna find someone. I know it can happen. It will happen. I'll make it. I've so far accomplished all of my goals when I've been out of getting a really cute guy that I want...but it's hard when there's someone in the back of your mind that's always there and no matter how hard you try, he's still there. Because I still have feelings for him. There's still something about him that I'm drawn to. Maybe it's just the illusion of what I wanted to have with him. Maybe it's because he did care at one point. Maybe it's because I know he still likes me and there's still a possibility for us...potentially. What am I doing? He ONCE MAY HAVE cared. Only a POSSIBILITY. And that's good enough? Why have I lowered my standards? Why am I waiting around for someone to eventually come to their senses, who may actually never do so because they didn't realize what they had and what an amazing and beautiful girl wanted to be with them for some stupid selfish reason? It's because I'm lonely. And I want someone. And I almost had him. Now I can't have him. I want something I can't have. But I never really had it. I've gotta let it go. But it's so incredibly hard. And painful. The thought of him with someone else just kills me. I want to know why. But there's no use in asking because what good would that do? What would it change? It'd just make me question myself, to doubt myself, to make myself feel so sad and depressed. Why is he playing games like this with me? Doesn't he realize that what he's doing is completely tearing my heart apart? I want to see him, to talk to him...yet, I don't want to because I know I'll get my hopes up (even though I tell myself I won't and try not to), and then when nothing happens, it's the same cycle all over again. I keep letting myself go back. I've got to stop it. He clearly doesn't feel the same way I do. I never meant to feel this way. It just happened. Sometimes it just does. He was just everything I thought I wanted. I just don't understand...I mean, he was the one who chose me in the first place! Of course, I didn't have to accept, but this time it was right and I wanted to...he just came along out of the blue...and noticed me. ME. Not any other girl. But me. So where the hell is he??? If he didn't have any intentions of wanting to date me, he should've never asked me out...I guess it's not fair to say that though. But it wasn't fair of him to lead me on. And to still lead me on. Why did he want to call me again after I saw him that night? What were his intentions? I should've found out. Given him an ultimatum? That probably wouldn't have been the best idea. But to get some sort of gauge where he wanted to go, well that would have been nice. This is exactly everything I know I shouldn't be doing right now. Wasting my time on him. When I mean absolutely nothing to him.

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

Don't listen to the Backstreet Boys' new song incomplete if you're feeling lonely....

Call your number, but I can't seem to get through

Gilmore girls is the story of my life right now. Everything that has been happening with Rory and guys...I can so relate. I'm watching this past week's episode right now that I taped because I wasn't home...she's going through the whole "not calling me back/only getting his voicemail" phase. Had a couple of really great weeks, and then not seeing/talking for a while. Lots of the other episodes this season I can place myself in that situation or something similar to it. The ending to the show...OMG! I have been there. Still am there in a sense. It's like I'm watching my life play out in front of my eyes...

I keep telling myself things can turn around with time

It's been a long week. And next week's gonna be even longer. It's my first Friday night at home. Alone. In a very long time. I don't really know what to do with myself. I've gotten so use to going out. But it's cool. Made Ania one of my posters tonight. Let's hope it doesn't scare her off like it did Adam (haha)...but I know she wanted it and I told her that I'd make one for her. Used the song hands down this time. That song...it's got so many stories behind it. Did a small amount of studying tonight. More like looking over a few notes. But hey, at least I tried to be somewhat productive. But I did get 3 out 5 questions done for one of my classes today. Not bad. I'm feeling a little lonely though. A night like tonight reminds me of my past...where all I'd be doing is sitting here at my computer wasting time...not that I still don't do that other nights. Ok, most days and nights. I'm seriously a compulsive facebook checker. I have to literally force myself off that thing. Tell myself to stop. It's bad. Well, I'm surprising very tired. Again. Actually, that's been the story of my life lately. But it's been worth it. I've had so much fun. And it's not gonna stop either. My new motto: "Don't make any guy a priority when you're only an option to him."

I try to go on as if I never met you

Umm...guess who actually decided to call me today...if you were thinking Adam, you were correct. Yeah, so apparently he got my facebook message from this morning where I told him if he wanted to know the story about how I almost got arrested (for distributing alcohol to a minor--but it wouldn't have been a jail thing...just a written arrest), he had to call me because I wasn't going to type it out. So after his class today he did. I missed his call because I was working out. I caught it as I saw he left a voicemail message. Wasn't sure who it would be, but sure enough, it was him. I called him back and he said he was just calling to find out about the story. Took him long enough, considering I called him last Thursday night about it after it happened! But he did call. Not that it means much. He asked me if I would be in town for the weekend (where else would I go?). So, maybe he'll ask me out. Yeah, right. That's wishful thinking. So who knows...I have soooooo much studying and catching up to do this weekend. Won't be going out (unless I get a date from either of 2 boys...or both!). Ania's out of town until Sunday...it's so weird because it will be the longest we've been apart since that first night we went out...we've become practically best friends and have spent so much time together. But she's now decided that she's going to be taking classes over the summer, so she'll be in town...which means a very fun summer of going out and partying! Oh, and Matt wrote me back...he promised me we'll hang out. He better keep his word. I trust him though. Unlike someone else....

wish upon a star, but do you know what stars are?

Went out last night...had a lot of fun...until the end when I had to leave this super hot guy. I met him before last night...he was our waiter at Olive Garden one night...he and Ania knew each other from a class...told us about how girls would leave their numbers for him alot...we couldn't tell if he wanted us to leave one of ours, so we didn't that night. Last week when we went, we asked if he was working, and he was, but we didn't know. Then on Monday we went there, and Ania saw him, and he ended up being our waiter again. He's not the best waiter in the world. But he is soooooo cute! Ania left my number for him because I wouldn't do it. I didn't object though. Ania ended up forgetting her credit card and he called me as we were leaving...so embarassing...trying to be all smooth and all...but we knew he would be at the club we went to last night. Saw him, said hi. Moved on. Then ended up talking with him...Ania left me alone with him...the place sucked, so we decided to go to potbelly's instead. Danced with him there. Kissed. Not enough at all though. Then I had to leave because Ania and Sarah and Rachel came to pick me up. Felt so sad and disappointed afterwards. Because I know he won't call me. He's got my number still, he said so. But I can't trust guys to call me anymore. I'm not being negative--you're just naiive if you think they will (as Ania said last night). But it's ok. I had fun. Sent Matt another drunk facebook message, this time begging him to promise to go out with me because I can't take any more disppointment from guys...was going to write one to Adam, but held myself back. Good thing too, because he wrote me a response to the message I had sent last...he misses the old Mallory. The one who wasn't mean to him all the time. And I wrote back that I miss the old Adam, the one who wanted to hang out with me and talk to me. So we'll see what he says back. At least we've got some form of communication going. But still, hopes aren't high. And it's ok.

I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad, but I can't keep something that I never had

He won today. I let him win. It was a moment of weakness, and he got to me. Made me realize what a fool I have been. Never did I intend for this to happen. I thought I was stronger. I am stronger than this. I know it. But I let him take over my life, and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't blame anyone but myself. I was warned. I was intervened. But no...the temptation was way too overpowering for me. And I relapsed. But this time, he didn't hurt me like he did before. Deep down I always expected it. So why did I try to go back? Why did I want to go back? Because he was all I had. It was the illusion of him that I wanted. Not necessarily him himself. But what I thought we had. Wish turns out was really nothing to begin with. I let him call all the shots in the relationship...he only called when HE felt like it. He only wanted to hang out when HE wanted to. But what about me? What about what I want? Is that not important to him? Apparently not. And so why would I want someone like this, who treats me like I'm the last thing on their mind? The truth is, I don't want someone like this. But these characteristics were taking a back seat to everything I thought he was. Turns out he wasn't what I wanted. I will find what I want. Eventually. It will happen. But I'm sick of waiting.

Don't ya wish your girlfriend was hot like me...

It's been too long, way too long. And what a week it has been. What a month it's been. It's probably been the most exciting month I've ever had in my life. I've definitely been having the time of my life. Making up for the past 3 years...actually, more like my entire life! Tuesday was a blast...got a call from Adam, and me being so wasted, called him a million times that night. The highlight was when Ania called him and told him off--she said everything that I wanted to say to him and more. It was everything he needed to hear. Ended up going to dinner with us on Wednesday. Very awkward. Big time. But it went well. Gave him a bit of a hard time...but hopefully Ania isn't that "girl who hates you" anymore. But she's so awesome for doing this for me. But then I called him later to see if he wanted to hang out. Nothing had changed. I don't know why I thought it would. I felt like such an idiot. But I can tell he still likes me. But the ball's in his court now, because I've done everything I can do to make my intentions known. He went home this weekend and I sent him a text message wishing him a safe trip home and a good weekend...no thanks or anything. Called him that night (late at night) to tell him about a story--almost got arrested for distributing alcohol to a minor. My friend got a written arrest for trying to sneak beer up through a second story room window in Southgate using a pully system. Yeah, so lame I know. But it's a fun story to tell! Friday went to a frat party with Ania and her friend who is thinking about coming to FSU next year...really nice girl. Had a lot of fun hanging out with her. The went to Stetson's and had a blast...saw some of the most random people from high school...danced with Herbie, Matt's best friend. And drunkingly sent Matt a facebook message telling him so. Friday at Chubby's saw Herbie again and he pulled me over to dance with him...heard through the grapevine I'd told Matt...sent Matt another message later that night...definitely going out with him this summer--so can't wait for these 2 weeks to be over--school-wise and for Matt to come home! This is going to be a week of hell. So much to do. But I did it to myself. I'm the one who's been slacking and not keeping up. An 8-10 page paper to write that's due friday that I just can't seem to get myself to write. Plus, Tuesday I'm going out for the last time this semester with Ania (at least until after finals). AHHHHHH....the stress is starting to get to me. Overwhelmed. That's how I feel. Apparently Adam's talk with Ania did no good, because he hasn't called me back yet. What a jerk! But I really don't care because I deserve so much better and it just shows what kind of person he is. And plus, there's Matt!!!!!

If I could be your first real heartache

I don't know why I ever believed it. Why am I so stupid? Why am I doing this to myself? I don't blame him. Because there's no one to blame but myself. I'm the one who got my hopes up. I'm the one that actually believed he wanted me again. But he obviously doesn't. Because if he did, he'd want to spend time with me. And call me to talk to me. Instead, he only calls when HE feels like it. If he even calls at all. Everything's on his terms. It's not fair. That's not the way it's supposed to work. I'm apparently his absolute last priority. Dead last. Because if I wasn't, things would not be as they are. He's always on my mind. I can't escape it. I know I'm not on his mind. Why did he call again? I was perfectly fine knowing that he wouldn't actually call. But then he did. And when I called him, it was deja-vu all over again. Voicemail is all I would get. No one picking up on the other line. Just leave a message and I'll call back. Yeah, right. Only when he feels like it. Did you call me earlier? Oh, why yes I did. And it took you this freaking long to call me back? What are you doing that is so important that you can't take the time to call someone back for 2 minutes, if it even takes that long? Because I would call back as soon as I saw that I had a call. It's only the polite thing to do. It's just so incredibly rude. All I'm asking for is a simple phone call. But I'm not calling ever again. I'm sick of being let down. I'm just setting myself up for disappoinment when I do. Because when he doesn't answer, or I talk to him and he doesn't want to do anything with me, it'll crush me. And I'll be in the exact same place as I started. Hurt and alone. It's not worth it. He's SO not worth it. Because if I was truly worth it to him, there'd be absolutely no reason for me to be writing this or to be feeling this way. What did he expect me to do? Drop everything for him? Devote myself to him? Like last time? Look where that got me! And he isn't willing to do the same for me. Never was. Never will. Because if you really care about someone, then you won't ever treat them this way. Ever.

I woke up in a car

Wow...what a weekend. So much to tell. It's one weekend I won't ever be forgetting. I learned a lot about myself. Really bonded with Ania. She's so much fun to be around. Got to get to class now. More later.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember

OMG!!!!OMG!!!!!OMG!!!!!! ADAM CALLED ME LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!!!! I AM SOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!! He called around 10:30 just to say hi...tried to be a little mean, but I couldn't...he's impossible to resist. I don't know if he was going to ask me out or not, but before he got the chance I said I was going to the beach. I invited him to come with us, and he said he'd think about it. But plans have changed! Ania calls me last night and is like, we're going to Boston this weekend--her best friend from high school goes to Harvard and we'd stay with him. But then she calls again and says we're going to Gainesville instead--so many options: Orlando and Tampa were possiblilties as well. And all her guy friends wanted us to come whereever they were--they think I'm really hot!!! So we decided we're going to Gainesville today and are gonna party there tonight, and then we'll go to Orlando tomorrow (stop by the beach first) and see her parents and party with her friends tomorrow night. And come back home on Sunday. I called Anne and told her I'll be in Orlando tomorrow, and hopefully I'll be able to meet up with her. I'm SO EXCITED!!!! Last night, things just kept getting better and better!!!! I've gotta call Adam today and tell him I'm not going to the beach anymore--not that I'm sure he wasn't actually going to go with me, but just to be considerate, because that's how I am. But whatever happens between us, I know he can't hurt me anymore. I'm gonna have my fun this weekend anyways. I need to have a little talk with him. To see what his intentions are. Because I still really like him, and I'd love to date him again and spend time with him. But I'm not going to let that stop me this weekend because we're not dating or anything at the moment. Just started talking again. Seriously never expected to hear from him again. Ever. But he did call...so he has been thinking of me...which is really nice to know. He just can't resist me either...I know he still likes me. I think he did all along. He just was being a stupid guy who didn't know what he had until he lost it, which I think he realized after seeing me this weekend. But I swear if he treats me the way he did ever again, it's over for good. Because there are soooooo many guys who want to meet me right now and go out with me, it's not even funny. That's never happened to me before. I've never felt better or more secure about myself than I do right now. It's incredible.

Ever since the day you went away and left me lonely and cold

Ok, so I'm not putting up with it anymore. I called the police department to report a noise complaint, because those jerks behind me can't get away with it. It's not fair. I don't know how other people put up with it. Or why. They're so inconsiderate and incredibly rude with no respect for other people. And I can't stand people like that. They better get here soon, because I'm about to lose it. I'm not kidding. Don't ever play your music loud around me (unless I'm part of the cause), because you will be asking for it!!! Ania and I are so crazy...last night I went over to her place to hang out, and when I got there, we decided to get all dressed up and take a bunch of pictures of ourselves for fun. And we had some alcohol left over from the night before that we decided to finish off...so it was fun times. And tomorrow we leave for the beach! It's going to be so much fun--at least it will be if we can find a place to stay! Right now we're just staying with some guys Ania knows...but that might not work out. In a way I'm nervous about just going down there because I know that you have to have a ticket and stuff and already signed up to go...and I definitely don't like doing things I'm not supposed to do. But what's the big deal? The worst that could happen is that we get there, find out we can't participate, and we come home. If that's the case, we'll have our own party! More later.

I'm not always strong, oh I need you here

I HATE THESE STUPID PEOPLE BEHIND US WHO PLAY THEIR STUPID MUSIC WAYYYY TOOOOO LOUD THAT IT SHAKES MY HOUSE!!!!! Ok, had to get that out...so, I just called Ania, and she says she's talking to this really hot guy she was friends with from high school and showed him our website. She said he said I was so hot--not just hot, but gorgeous!!! He was disappointed to learn that I was a junior, but Ania told him I don't mind dating younger guys (since I have seen Andrew). So, who knows?!!! Big mood booster anyways, since I was feeling a little down about Adam...trying not to, telling myself I don't need him (which I don't), wondering if I should call him...but then after talking to Ania and what she said about her friend....why the hell do I want to waste my time thinking about a jerk who could obviously care less about me, because if he cared any at all, he'd call. Because that's what a really great guy would do. But he's not one of those guys. I WILL find one of those guys, and I have a feeling it might be pretty soon. I know Matt is one of those. I was thinking about how much in common we have today. I remember he just absolutely made my summer last year. Well, sorta. The times I saw him were great. But whatever. Things are different now. I'm different. I'm more willing to try new things. Heck, I'm going to a huge spring break-like party in Panama City Beach this weekend. A kind of event that I swore I'd never go to...but I am and I'm going to have so much fun. Being single isn't always such a bad thing...

And the time on the clock when we realized it's so late

I think I failed a quiz today. I did so bad on it, it's not even funny. I didn't study much for it, but I knew what I thought I needed to know. Apparently, the 2 previous quizzes from other semesters we're given to study from did no good because the quiz today was nothing like it. It was so hard. But I'm not upset really. Just wish I'd studied a little more for it. I'm doing very little of that these days. I think that's a good thing though. I have other things to be doing now...fun things. Instead of always focusing on school. I had a really good self-esteem day. Big time. I've been so happy with myself lately. I'm so proud of myself for finally realizing it. It's a really great feeling--being happy with yourself. And it's really showing. I know other people are noticing it too, especially guys. Maybe that saying is true about how when you have confidence in yourself, people will want to be around you. I never wanted to believe it because it was bad news for me, but now I'm not so sure...My mom put my friendship with Ania best like this: she's the little sister I never had, referring to not taking a little sister in KD. I guess that's true in a way. We get along really great, even though we're really complete opposites in a lot of ways. But opposites do attract...I seem to find myself being drawn to people different from myself a lot of times. They make up for areas that I lack, and vice-versa. I think it's also because she's really outgoing, and I needed to be around someone like that. Just someone new to get me to try new things, have different experiences. But I still love all my friends (Meghan, Vanessa, Kathryn--we need to get together really soon!!!). I'm going out tonight. Fun, fun, fun! Maybe I'll meet another guy...or I'll invite Andrew along...we'll see. I'm so excited about this summer! I can't wait until school's over and Matt comes home, because who knows what just might happen...well, I do--and it will this year!!! Unless, of course, a certain someone decides to call...but that won't happen. I've given up on it. I still think about it though. It's always in the back of my mind, haunting me, giving me false hope. But who needs him when I've got so many to choose from?!!!

Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions

So guess who I'll be hanging out with this summer...Matt!!! When I woke up this morning, I logged onto facebook and saw I had 2 messages...I was hoping one might be from him by some chance, and one of them was! I put a new picture up--it's from Friday night at a fraternity party. It's one of those shots that kinda messed up, but ended up turning out really good. Anyways, in it, I'm holding an infamous red cup in my hand. And I made a webpage with pictures of me and Ania and our fun nights out. Apparently, Matt checked it out, because he wrote me. Here's what he said:

2:10am 04.04.05
Matt:
Is that an alcoholic beverage I see in your hand in your picture?! And what is this about Kissing hot guys? Mallory (last name)! Your mom would be so proud. She is always telling me that I should take you out to a party but thought you wouldn't be interested...we will have to throw a party sometime this summer. Hope you are having fun (and by the looks of things I am not to concerned.)
9:32am 04.04.05
Mallory:
Aw, Matt...you seriously made my day, you have no idea. And of course that's not alcohol! Me, drinking?!!! (haha!!) I have some crazy stories I could tell you that you would not even believe that it was me...And yes, we definitely have to have a party or at least go out or something...in the past I wouldn't have been interested, but all it took was a little heartbreak, some newfound confidence in myself, and the desire to find someone...and I'm having so much fun along the way and I'm so happy for once! Talk to you soon!~Mallory
Matt:
I am so glad you are happy and full of confidence. There was never any reason for a girl like you to not have confidence but at least you have it now. We will definitely hang out, you can tell me your crazy stories.

!!! So yeah, we will definitely be hanging out this summer!!! He really made my day. I've been a little sad about Adam. Not too much, but more like disappointment. I knew that he wouldn't call me. I even told him right to his face that he wouldn't actually call me. He said he would, but how do I trust someone who has broken his word before? Whatever. Ania and I are having a "guys suck" night tomorrow. We're going to blast the Avril music and eat ice cream and talk about what jerks guys can be. Not all--just Adam and Tim. We're going to forget these losers. Although, if the do end up calling us, we will both go back to them. Because we're girls. And we're dumb. That's what we do. We let guys treat us like we're nothing for some stupid reason, all because we want someone to hold us and care about us. When we think we've found the rare guy who actually does, we end up devoting ourselves to him. And then the fairytale ends. And we're left all alone, wondering what we did wrong, why it didn't work out, begging for them to take us back. But on another note, Ania told me she ran into Ania today and was like, "I have a lot of studying to do today, and I might take a study break and go for coffee with Mallory if you want to come" and she said he was like, yeah, I'd really like that, make sure you call me if you do. Awww...how sweet! I think he likes me....I'm really not sure how I feel about him at the moment. I'd like to continue to get to know him and date him, but I don't want anything serious because there's 4 weeks of school left and he'll be leaving. Plus, there's the possibility of Adam still calling...and Matt this summer...plus tons of other potential boys I might meet...Never been in this situation before. Wow, more than one guy to choose from...that's a huge rarity for me. Anyways, I've been slacking with school...gotta study for a quiz tomorrow. I'm really ok with the Adam thing. He's a jerk. So not worth my energy. I never really got my hopes up anyways. I knew it wouldn't come true. Because that's just the way it is.

Maybe I should hate you for this, never really did get quite that far

I think I may have made a huge mistake last night. I saw Adam at the club. And I danced with him a good amount of the time, on and off. He asked if he could call me again. I kept saying that he wouldn't, but he said he would. I called him last night after I got back to Ania's room. I didn't think he'd actually answer, and I said that to him. But he said that he did answer. I practically begged him to call me--more like threatened. I was drunk. Not too bad, but so was he. I cried. I was upset about him, about knowing deep down that I won't hear from him again. But today, I'm ok. It's not the end of the world if he doesn't call. Because I will continue to go out and meet guys. But I think he was really happy to see me. And he was the one who asked if he could call me--he got my permission. I had fun with him. It brought back so many memories. He just looked lost out there on the dance floor...and I decided to take a chance and go up to him. He was surprised, but didn't reject me. I think there's been a lot of miscommunication. But I know in my heart that he won't call. I want him to so badly, but I don't know if I can trust him. That's why I kept telling him that he better call me. Because I don't have any reliable indication that he will.

My heart is yours to fill or burst or break or bury or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer

So much for getting anything accomplished today. I was (and still am) so tired. I could barely stay awake in class all day, and I had to take a nap this afternoon. I intended it to just be a power nap, but when I got up to work out, I realized there was no way that was happening. And I definitely was tired, because it takes something big for me to miss a workout...I really wish I had gotten it in today. I was starting to get back on track after a few very off/not good running days. I've spent the past 2 hours (at least) on facebook. I finally made myself get off of it. Accruing more and more friends...basically just people from high school and people I know. I've found people that I'm contemplating on adding, but I can't decide. For some reason I get kinda nervous about adding some people, fearing that they might reject me. But so far, that of course hasn't happened. There's no reason it should (gotta be positive!). Ania never called me back today. I hope she's ok. She's been seeing this guy every night for the past 5-6 days and hasn't been getting any sleep. I'm worried about her. Hopefully she'll want to go out tomorrow. I wanted to tonight, at least earlier in the day I did. But now I'm tired and feeling lousy because of the stupid spring pollen...my throat is killing me and I keep coughing and I just feel so drained of energy. I don't ever remember it affecting me this way. But then again, I haven't been here for the past 2 springs. I can't believe it's already for the time to change--wasn't expecting it to come so soon. I'm really gonna miss that extra hour. It's going to be painful Sunday, especially if I go out, which I'm sure I will. Been thinking a lot...mainly about Andrew. And guys in general. They're so complicated. So impossible to figure out. Good quote from the movie last night: "Men, can't live with them....that's about it." I've really gotta start buckling down with school...I need to do a little bit every day, otherwise, I know I will be regretting it in 3 weeks (3 weeks! I can't believe that's all that's left of classes!) for exams. But I want to have fun the rest of this semester...really try and live it up. Too bad it took me so long. But there's always summer...and I am SO going to find a guy to date this summer, because I'm not spending 3 months alone. It's the perfect opportunity. Just gotta find someone who will be here. There's always Matt...who said he's sure he'll see me this summer...but not getting my hopes up on that one. Just wishful thinking. But maybe I can go out with him, since that's what I like to do now. I've just gotta keep putting myself out there...and go out on dates...and eventually I'll find someone who will want to start a relationship with me. Because every guy is missing out right now on one amazing girl.