The pain has a bad reaction, a blend of fear and passion

I know the truth now. It hurt, but at the same time, it was a huge relief to finally know. Now, I just have to figure out how I want to proceed from here, if I do at all. We had a long talk last night, probably the longest phone conversation I've ever had (over an hour). I had no idea that it would lead to where it did, but somehow we just ended up there. Partly because I knew I had some things I needed to say, but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. Of, I was crying. Because he was saying things that were so true, but things that I can't help, or are trying to change. He wasn't being mean, just saying how he felt--that I was always nervous around him, and that he wasn't used to being around quiet people like me. There it is again. Me being a quiet person is screwing things up once again. No one understands. And that's what I tried to tell him, that he doesn't know me and that's just how I am. Yes, at first I was nervous being around him. But I don't feel like I am now. I don't know how to just 'hang out.' It's not something I've ever really done. I've never had people that wanted to, and here's another one. I ended up flat out asking him what was going on, where we were heading, because we were leading up to it, even going around it in ways. I just wanted a straight answer. He doesn't want a girlfriend right now. That may not be the case down the line, but right now, he just likes 'hanging out' with me. Nothing serious. And I told him that's not what I want. That I won't wait around for him to decide. He wants to be friends still, if I don't want to continue on. Like that we'd still hang out and talk to each other, but nothing further than that. I told him that I didn't know if I could; I still don't know. I never have. I'm not friends with any of the guys that I have ever liked. Friendly, yes, but actual friends who still do things together, definitely not. It'd be so much easier if I didn't like him. Then I could say, yeah, we can be friends with no problem. But I do have feelings for him, so it's not that way. I don't know what I should do, what I want to do. Mom says I should be friends with him, not completely go out of my life, because I may meet one of his friends and it may click (little does she know that that's completely out of the question). Just keep continuing on and see what happens. I told him I'd still call him today, and obviously that will mean something about what I want, where this may lead. Part of me feels like it's hopeless to continue on; but then again, I think about maybe if I just let him get to know me better, he'll want more. If he doesn't think I'm a complete psycho or someone he wishes he hadn't gotten involved with. He does want to see me still. That's one of the last things he said last night. At least he did at that time. But I don't want to be someone he only feels like seeing when he wants to. That's not even dating--it's nothing but hooking up, if that's what is going on, or just being friends. Maybe I should just see for a little bit longer. And if I continue to have the same feelings of frustration towards the way he acts, then I can just move on. But I have to be careful.

Like the time that we kissed and you gave me a lie

He didn't call me today. In a moment of weakness, I ended up calling him, but it went straight to voicemail and didn't ring. So I don't think he knows that I called. Then I tried again a little while later. Same thing. I feel so stupid. For calling. For thinking that he'd answer. But also on a much larger scale. For actually thinking I might have a chance for once. That someone would actually stick around. But the truth is, I never believed it would happen right from the start. That's why I was so cautious with everything--partly because I was trying to do things differently, and because I was protecting myself from getting hurt. So much for that. He reassured me that it was ok. That I could call and he wouldn't mind. That he wanted me to be me, and not act any differently. He said he'd never hurt me like all the others. I knew he couldn't really keep that promise, because it's not a fair one. So I never really took it to heart. But the fact that he said he didn't want to, well I thought that meant something. I thought he cared about me. But something changed towards me in him. I have no idea what it was. I was told he was absolutely crazy about me, that I didn't have to worry. Mom said that maybe he's scared. I just don't know why he was leading me on. Ania talked to his best friend, and he said he's not the kind to lead a girl on, and that he seemed to like me. So what is up then? Why doesn't he want to spend time with me? Obviously it's not about sex. At least he's not using me for that, because if he was, he'd want to be seeing me just for that reason. I'm trying so hard to pick up that phone and dial his number. At the same time, I keep listening for it to ring, for his name to show up on the screen. I hope for it so much, but I know it's never going to happen. He won't call. And if by some chance he does, it won't be because he actually wants to hang out. I feel so alone and unwanted. Another guy who doesn't want to get to know me. And I thought this one just might have. I just can't take it anymore. I'll never be able to trust anyone. It's going to take a lot for me to believe that the next one actually cares and likes me. This one hasn't, and although it hurts like hell to admit it, he won't.

You took me around the block, but I couldn't stop I thought it was real

I am just so sad. I can't stop crying. He keeps making me cry, and I don't know why I keep letting him hurt me like he is. It's because I've fallen. I didn't want to, and I knew that it would end up this way, me miserable and crying and incredibly hurt. Another boy slips through my fingers before I ever really get a chance. Not going to have a boyfriend again this time. What is wrong with me????? I seriously cannot take this anymore. I'm not capable of handling these emotions. They're drowning me in my own sorrow and I can barely see the surface as I struggle to come up for air. I never had much hope in the first place. How will I ever have any ounce that it will ever work out now? EVERY SINGLE ONE has turned out this way. It will never be any different. What's the point in trying?

I want to believe in you

After all my worrying and freaking out, I really don't think there's any reason to feel so insecure about him. He's not going anywhere anytime soon. It's just the way he talks. Not specifically about the future, but just how he says things like you know you can talk to me. I feel much more comfortable after last night, especially after the conversation that we had. I'm trying to let myself trust him more. I never had any real reason to doubt him--just past experiences to get in the way and ruin things. It's not worth all the stress that I put myself through--unnecessarily. So from here on out, I'm going to try to be more rational, and keep my crazy emotions under somewhat control. I can't completely guarantee it, but the least I can do is try. Don't get me wrong, I know I will continue to be frustrated by his dumb boy behavior (hello, it would be nice if you called me back), but who wouldn't be? On the other hand, part of me is wanting to still be really cautious. And I am, to a certain extent. Not going to push any "girlfriend" stuff on him. Just continuing to see where we're headed and take it day by day. But I will make one thing clear: I will not put up with any crap from him, should anything start. Because it's not worth my time when I could be out looking for someone else.

Ok, so I may feel a little stupid right now...

I'm sorry I have to say it but it looks like you're sad

I feel like I've been here a million times before. That's because I have. He's suddenly disappeared on me. Out of complete no where. Something's up with him. After we've been talking/texting almost every day since he's been gone, it's definitely unusual for him to not call me or to not call me back. I'm freaking out about it, and it's really upsetting and worrying me. I don't know what's going on. I don't understand how this could be happening to me--AGAIN. Part of me wants to believe that maybe something's wrong with his phone, or he's just busy and hasn't had a chance to call back. But the realist in me knows what's really going on--it's over. I feel so stupid for ever believing anything that he said, especially that he wanted to continue after the break. I was so hesitant, so reluctant to open up to him for fear of getting hurt again. I was more cautious than I have ever been with any guy to try to avoid this exact situation I find myself facing. Maybe I'm overreacting to nothing. Maybe nothing has changed about the way he feels about me, and I'm being super-paranoid. But I don't know. I really just don't know how else to feel. Had I not been at this point so many times before, maybe I wouldn't feel so scared. But the fact is, the past is affecting how I'm feeling right now, and I can't help it. All I can see is a guy leaving again.