And as for now I'm gonna sit around and hear the saddest songs

I guess you could say I'm just disappointed. Not upset, but a little sad. I didn't get wrapped up in him like other guys in the past, but yet I always wondered if this could be something more. But apparently it was just one week of fun, once again. When am I going to find a guy who wants to be with me for more than a fucking week? When?? Please tell me! I am so sick of it! Seriously, where do I find these guys, and why are they always attracted to me? Or, better yet, why am I attracted to them???? I just feel a little stupid for falling for it again. I guess I like the attention that I get. I probably blew it by calling him a million times (ok, like 4 or 5) on Saturday night, which I don't remember because I was wasted out of my mind and blacked out. That might have had something to do with it. So I didn't try talking to him on Sunday. I decided if he was still interested, he can try and talk to me. But what do I do yesterday? Well, he poked me back on facebook, which I thought had stopped, along with his interest. So when I see that I just smile and am like, ok, maybe he still wants to talk to me. So I poke back. When I get home from work, I see that he's on AIM. After much debate, I decided to say hi. He never writes back. He could have not been by his computer, but he never said anything all night. So don't really know what that means. He could have been ignoring me and not wanted to talk to me. Or he simply might just not have seen it or been at the computer. Whatever the case, I guess I will find out at some point if he still wants to talk to me. But in the meantime, I'm not bothering trying to talk to him anymore. I'm not an idiot. I thought something might have been wrong on Friday night. And it definitely seemed like that until he came home with me at the end of the night. You'd think I'd learn...

It's really good to hear your voice, saying my name it sounds so sweet

Ok, so last night could have been a total bust. And I thought it was for a while. I was supposed to go out, not until later, and I was all ready to go out, too. I looked so pretty--my hair looked great and my makeup was perfect and I looked really hot. But time passed, and it got late, and I hadn't heard from anyone (Nick is who I wanted to hear from especially). I had sent him a text message around 9:30pm, being all cute and asking him what would make tonight a really good night for him (and to keep that answer clean, lol). Well, I knew his phone acts up with regard to receiving text messages, and he was at rush, so I didn't expect to hear from him right away. But i did think he'd answer. But he didn't. So I got all disappointed and sad--not terribly upset, but I did start thinking about how dumb I was to think he was interested, you know, the usually stuff. So I decided to go to bed finally around 12am. I felt stupid for sending him that text and that I blew it. But I had to do it. Before I went to sleep, I looked at what I wrote him and saw that it said "sending in progress." The message had not gotten to him! I felt this huge relief, and tons of stupidity for getting all sad about it when it had not been sent. It all made sense then. So I resent it, even though it was late and was kinda past the point of the message. The point of it was for him to say "to see you." And then I'd go meet him wherever Sig Ep was going that night. Somehow, I think that message was not sent for a reason. I don't know how else to explain it. It's like what happened on Tuesday when I sent him one. It was the first night of rush, and I had gone to Sig Ep for a bit, and of course was looking all over for him, but I didn't see him. I got all disappointed that I didn't see him because I really wanted to see him. I sent him a text, being cute again, saying "you're hard to find" meaning that I couldn't find him. He didn't answer for over an hour. And when he finally did, I found out he wasn't even there that night! I felt so stupid! I went home and ended up talking to him online for like 45 minutes. Anyways, back to last night...so after I re-sent the message, he answered back not long afterwards, with "what do you think? where are you?" I answered back that I was at home and didn't end up going out afterall. He asked why i hadn't gone out and what I was doing. I said no one wanted to go out and that I was sleeping, despite answering his messages. He said thanks and goodnight unless I wanted him to come over and help me sleep. Now, this was a tough decision for me to make. To just continue on sleeping, or to let him come over. I had really, really wanted to see him all day--no, all week!--so I said I would like for him to, but had to get up early. He was like, I get up early anyways, so let him know. I then said he could, but that I was going sleep! So, he ended up calling me and he came over...We made out for a little bit, but I had to get some sleep. I didn't really sleep at all last night. But I was just glad for him to have come over and to have seen him. And he had wanted to see me, too! Which made me feel even better. Because had that message gotten to him sooner, the whole night probably would have been different. I would probably have been out with him, and still ended up with him at the end of the night, but I'd have been drunk. I'm kinda glad things ended up how they did. I need to move slower. And I'm glad I'm not doing things too soon. It's better that way and doesn't make me look like I'm easy and that I'm not only interested in sex. Because I'm not. I like how I've been getting to know him first, and not seeing him too much. Well, sorta. At least it doesn't make me look like I'm trying too hard or moving too fast that I scare him. He's really sweet and makes me feel good about myself. I don't know if this will lead anywhere, but taking it slower than I have in the past hopefully will help. I've already got a huge crush on him. And I absolutely hate crushes! Well, not totally! But it was nice spending the night with him and waking up with him there. Oh, and when he came over last night, I didn't have any makeup on because I had been sleeping. And he still kissed me. Can't believe I let him see me like that, at least it was dark. I actually probably looked better than I did the other night when I was with him and my makeup was all smeared and rubbed off...I just hope he still wants to see me again...and I think he does, because I got a poke back on facebook this morning, lol! And I sent him a text saying I was glad he came over--he made my night. So we'll see if he answers that. He probably will at some point...

I can't wait to fall in love with you....

Boys, boys, boys...I love boys! Well, not when they're jerks, lol! But, I met a new one this weekend! So exciting. His name is Nick, and he's a Sig Ep. It was completely random how we met...I was following Ania, he was standing nearby, Ania said something and asked him if he was a Sig Ep, we all introduced ourselves, Ania left, but he kept talking to me so I stayed. And...that led to getting dinner together, then hanging out at his house for the rest of the night! It was such a good night. I used self-control this time, so all we did was makeout. For like 5 hours! He is sooo cute, too! I talked to him online last night, and we were flirting like crazy. I think he's definitely interested. But I'm going to take it slow this time, not rushing into anything. I don't want to get hurt, nor do I want to do something stupid. So I'm trying not to get too caught up with him right now. We're also in a poking war on facebook. Haha. I'll probably talk to him later today. Hopefully! Ahhh...new boys and crushes....

Do you like it like this?

So I'm going to say, fuck working out, and fuck my stupid concerns, because there is nothing wrong with me!!! I'd much rather be having fun at happy hour than sitting at home miserable and feeling left out because I didn't go because I was worried about my stupid weight! I mean, I only weigh around 105! There's something wrong when a girl thinks that's too much...

Just tell me which way you like it...

To go to happy hour, or not to go to happy hour. That is the question today. I've been sick all week, so I haven't done much except be at work. And that's the problem. I haven't been able to workout, which is driving me crazy. Well, sort of. It's also my fault in that I could have done an easy walk/jog last night, but I ended up taking a nap, and when I woke up, I didn't want to work out anymore. My excuse was that I needed to give my body one more day of rest. Whether that was true or if I was trying to justify not working out remains to be seen. I don't know what it is about me these days. I just don't have as much energy or time to work out like I used to, and when I do, I sometimes just choose not to. And now I'm hating the fact that I've gained a few pounds and don't like the way I feel. I look at myself and say how I'm fat (of course I'm really not, but there's a difference that probably only I can see from about 1-2 months ago). I say I'm going to work out that day, but then something comes up and I don't, and I feel bad about it. The main reason why I don't want to go to happy hour is that I want to work out. I need to workout, for my health and my sanity. But the other part of me says screw that, I want to go to happy hour. But the sane me knows I don't need to drink and should workout, because the second I start drinking at happy hour I will hate myself for doing it. I'll feel bad, and start telling myself how this isn't helping and how I need to get my body back. It's just so frustrating to feel this way. Another problem with the drinking has been the eating while intoxicated...you don't always make the best choices. Like on Monday, I ate something that I would NEVER eat normally, but only did because I was starving and would have passed out if I didn't eat. But I regret it soooo much. All I could think about was how many calories was in that stuff (it was french fries with cheese and bacon and other stuff...granted, it was pretty damn good, but still...). Food is just such an issue for me. I've eaten normally all week. But still, I'm trying to eat a little less and watch portions so I can get back on track. Like I won't eat a 90-100 calorie whole wheat roll because I want to save those calories. Sad, I know. It's also a big deal when I eat and what I eat. I just hate this. It never used to be like this. I know when I started, I really controlled what I ate, but it was different. Now I just get mad at myself. I have to justify it if I do eat something "forbidden" or a little more of something. I don't think I'm gonna go so I can save up for the football game tomorrow, but we'll see. It's such a hard decision!

She's freaky and she knows it...

I think I've gone through another change. Another big one. Not that it happened all at once--it was more like gradual little steps, but then BAM! They all exploded suddenly one day and altered who I was. But it's not a bad thing. Definitely not at all. I have sooooo much confidence in myself, it's unbelieveable. And it's not only when I'm drinking (which intensifies it 100 times), but when I am just regular, everyday me. I think a lot of it has to do with going out so much and meeting so many people, and actually making friends with them, or at least knowing them. So when I go out, I know people, not just by their face, but I can actually hang with them and talk to them. Work has also played a huge part. I'm forcing myself to do things that I normally would avoid at all costs if I could. But the thing is, I can't, because I have a job that I was hired to do. But it's been a good thing, because I'm getting over the fears that I've had, and developing new skills while polishing up things that I was only ok at. For instance, calling people. For some reason, all my life I've had this phone phobia. So stupid, I know. But I just hated to call people. Especially people I didn't know. Which you'd think would be easy to call, because they don't know you. I think that was why I wass afraid--afraid that I'd sound stupid and they wouldn't like me. By my voice and what I said during a phone conversation. The more I write about it, the more ridiculous it sounds! But hey, it affected me, and still, I'm trying to completely overcome it. I really hate not knowing what to say. I like to have a plan. I'm not good at improvising, which is one reason why I'm so quiet in many situations. It's because I don't know what to talk about! But overall, I'm becoming better with conversation. Sort of. Well, maybe a little. Ok, I still suck at it! But I know eventually I will get better. And I think my job will really help me out in pushing my limits even further. I just have to keep putting myself out there. I also think part of my new-found confidence comes from me finally accepting who I am. And how I am. I still don't know who I am in a lot of ways, but I don't feel so lost anymore, like I used to. There's where the steady job comes in again. But I've also just come to terms with some things, or at least felt more comfortable about them. Especially when it comes to guys/sex. My attitude has changed so much over the past year and a half, but not more than it has recently. I like sex. I have needs. I will do what I feel like doing, and not get hurt. I'm not saying I sleep with every guy I meet, because that's definitely not the case, but if I want to, I'll do what I feel like doing (as long as it's safe, of course...number one priority). I guess I've just come into my sexuality, and have become more comfortable with it. I mean, hey, I am almost 23 years old, and I'm just taking advantage of that maturity I've grown into. Because I've definitely grown up. So much. And I'm growing up even more every day, whether I like it or not. I try to fight it by going out like I'm still in college, but I think eventually, no matter how much I don't want it to, I will have to cut back. I already feel like cutting back on the drinking some because I'm not liking the way it's making my body look or feel (it's catching up to me). Plus, it's getting expensive, and I just can't take drinking (excessively) 5 days in a row (like last weekend!). Maybe I can learn to not drink so much....The one thing I can say, however, without a doubt, is that I'm happy. I'm happy not from some other person (which means a guy), but I'm happy with myself. I'm happy because I like myself (well, my body image right now is a different story...). But I can just lay in bed before I go to sleep at night and look around and hug my pillow and smile and say that I'm happy. I am happy.