All I have to say is this: something that I've wanted for sooooo long is finally taking shape. And it's for real this time. And I can't stop smiling about him :)

I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be?

Why am I so insecure, especially when it comes to guys? I guess it's because no one's ever stuck around and because I haven't found I can trust anything someone says. Because it's never backed by action. Only empty words said for some reason one night. I guess it's also because I'm never the one. They either go back to some previous relationship, or they find someone else who they do want to be in a relationship with. I'm never the one they want. I'm not trying to bash on myself, but I'm just already in a bad mood because of the holidays. I hate this time of year. I've grown to not like it. It just makes me feel incredibly lonely. Christmas. New Year's especially. I'm just finding it hard to smile lately. Not much of a reason to. Nothing--and no one--to cheer me up. I keep debating whether to send him a message. I want to. But then again I don't. I want him to first. I want to see that HE wants to talk to me. So far, I guess he hasn't. But then again, I have to remind myself not to look into it so much, because it is the break, afterall. People do lose contact during this time, and it means nothing. But then again, what if he still thinks I don't want to talk to him? So what I think I'm going to do is just say hi this afternoon. Try something a little flirtatious and funny. Something light and innocent. And see how he responds. I'd rather know now if I'm wasting my time thinking about him, which I'm afraid is true. It's better to find out now, instead of worrying for the next few weeks, because I can't take that. I'm going to try and not be down for the rest of the day. It'll be hard, though...

He's the song in the car I keep singing

He's never looked at me the way he did the other night. He couldn't stop smiling--or staring--at me. I had no idea what to think. I was on guard, holding my ground because this was so out-of-the-blue. He kept talking about how he always thought of calling me, but was afraid to because he thought I'd hang up or barely say anything to him. He asked me about my 'love life,' to which he responded he didn't have a girlfriend, thanks for asking. I was doing my usual not saying much, giving him this look that I always give him that he can't decipher (according to him). We ended up hanging out that night, and when we went to pick up some more to drink, he wanted to just sit in the car with me, spend time with me. He asked me what my favorite flower was, as well as my favorite restaurant. Said maybe we'd go there sometime. I was still as skeptical as can be, because I didn't know what his intentions were and if he was just talking like that because he had been drinking. He ended up being the second guy that night to ask me why I was single. Seriously, you fucking tell me! Anyways, won't get into that right now. So, we end up going out that night, where it became clear that he was just so completely into me. And we proceeded to have such a fun and amazing time together. He just made me feel so amazing about myself. And we had some serious cuddling the next morning and he said he could just lay there like that all day. But now, the high for me is wearing off, and I'm starting to start thinking rationally. And overanalyzing things. I think I want to start back up again with him--that is, if he wants that too. I mentioned if he was going to call me sometime that next morning when he was taking me home. He said he would, and I made it clear that it was ok to and that I'd answer. So, now it's up to him. I really, really want him to call me. And not just when he gets back in town. I hate this stupid break!! This is what happened last year, and it screwed us up, because he came back less enthusiastic about me. And I can't help but think how stupid it is to think that he's actually gonna call and that it will be any different from before, in terms of what he wants. Because, it's probably not true, and there's no sense in hoping that he will call or even care to talk to me. Having hope just isn't worth it anymore. Because I'm always disappointed.

You know his touch all too well

I'm not so sure it was a good idea. Because now I can't get him out of my head. Again. There was a time when I thought I'd gotten over him. I was over him. But now, it's all come back. And I'm confused. Smarter. Much smarter to know that it was only one night, like all the others. Was it really different this time? Or am I just fooling myself, holding on to that little strand of hope that I just can't let go of? It was all him. He called. He'd been sending me random messages. Completely out of the blue. And then there was what he said. Talking about settling down? What did he mean? Was he talking about me? I'm not sure, because he's seemed to prove that I am not someone he has wanted to date. He said something about how we've known each other a few years now, and how our relationship has been about one thing...And, apparently, he trusts me and feels he can be completely honest with me. I guess he's saying he's comfortable with me. I wonder if he remembers saying this to me, or if he was just drunk and didn't know what he was talking about. Or if it actually means something. Most likely, it doesn't. And I'm not holding him to anything he said or did, because I'm not stupid and know WAY better than to do that. I guess I just have to wait and see and let his actions prove his true motives and feelings. If he wants to be more, then I'm willing to give it a try. But I'm not waiting around for him, and will not let myself be hurt by him again. But for now, I'll just let the high from the other night continue, until it eventually wears off and reality sets in again.