I need your grace to remind me to find my own

Water gun fights, slip 'n slides, and jello wrestling. Yep, that pretty much sums up my weekend. Such craziness. I can now say I have jello wrestled once in my life. And to think, I actually was about to not go through with it....but it looked like they were having so much fun. I just had to put my fears behind me and do it. And I'm so glad I did. It's all about taking risks. Even if they're small, but it's the only way I will ever be able to move forward, to better myself and become the person that I want to be. I'm getting there. It's a long, tedious, scary-as-hell process, but I know it will be worth it in the end. Just gotta keep taking chances and pushing myself to do things I normally wouldn't do. And I will not settle anymore--I want a relationship, and I will not sell myself short for ANYONE else anymore.

Here is where you wanna be

I wrote this while at work on Thursday...

Why do we always want what we can't have? I feel like a complete fool because I thought he was so much different than he actually is. Wow. What a complete jerk. Seriously, the shit that he said to me last night. Don't act like you're my friend and that nothing happened between us. "You've got paint all over you, that's what I like to see." Why, Jon? Why is that something you like to see? And that's what I asked him. I said something about how he doesn't call anymore, and he was like, "I don't call girls." What? No you did not just say that to me. Then he says that he knows he's a jerk. I agreed. I told him that he was, gave him a dirty look, I may have said fuck you, and then walked off. I did however get back at him by making out with another guy right in front of him on the dance floor. I spotted him out there dancing with some ugly girl, and I danced my heart out with Ryan. Yeah, I was trying to make him jealous. I know he saw me, too. Which is good, because that's exactly what I wanted. For him to see that I can have anyone that I want. And that I don't need him. But who do I really want? Him. But do I really? Or is it just because he rejected me? It's more likely that scenerio. I did like him, and I fell really hard and fast, but I won't let myself be treated like he treats me now. I should have known he was one of those guys who had just broken up with a serious girlfriend and of course doesn't want a relationship now. Whatever. He's not that cute, anyways. I can do way better. And as for Ryan...I really don't know if I like him. I definitely take advantage of him and flirt like crazy with him, even when I don't want anything more. I've noticed I've been doing that more and more lately with various guys. Not on purpose. Just because I'm having fun. The ones I do that with aren't guys I'm interested in, anyways. Except, hmmm....I can't really tell what my feelings are for Ryan. I mean he's a fun guy and we get along really great. We seem to run into each everywhere, which we joked about last night. I mean it was kinda random, it being Sig Ep's day glo, and he's a Phi Sig. Last night I also just wanted to find a guy so I wouldn't feel so left out, like I could forget about seeing John dancing with other girls and not wanting to even dance with me. And so that he could see me with another guy. But I wasn't actually using Ryan, because I did want to hang out with him when I saw him, not just because of Jon. It's been such bad timing with this guy. I met him, but then everything happened with Sam, we ended up kissing while I was not officially involved with Sam, but still (well, one last time)...And then came Jon...and now here he is again. I don't know. I did know that I didn't want to do anything sexual with him last night. Kissing, yes. Anything more, definitely not. Mostly because I want to slow down when it comes to that and make it actually meaningful, with someone I won't end up crying my heart out about the next day or two. Uh, because that's what's happened that with the last three guys. And I don't know...I just didn't want to. It doesn't mean I'm not attracted to him, because obviously, I am, and he is to me, too. God but do I want more than that. So much more from a guy. I thought that it was Jon who that'd happened with, but I was wrong. I can't believe how much my judgment failed with him. I just let myself go, though. I threw myself into it, albeit quite cautiously and with lots and lots of fear that it'd end. And it did end. Was it because I kept thinking that it was too good to be true? It definitely seemed way too good to last, because the way I felt--I hadn't felt like that in so long. Like there was such promise. It was never there with Micah, nor Sam. I knew how they felt and what they wanted, or more like didn't want. But Jon completely had me going with the way he acted. All the way up until Wednesday night, everything seemed to be going so well. So well. Then I have absolutely no idea what changed, or why he changed his mind. And that was it. I didn't hear from him. When he didn't call me last Thursday, I just knew. Actually, I knew after he left on Wednesday that something just wasn't right. And I wasn't wrong about that feeling.

I put it back, right where you found it

WIRED!!! Had such a good night....and yeah, he is such and asshole...just like all the rest. I do feel like an idiot for ever believing anything more, but whatever. I don't need him.

You took everything out

It was just too good to be true. I was happy. Things were for once going really, really great. And that's why it's gonna end.

You should let me love you

I don't know why I do it to myself, but I did it again. I just feel so incredibly stupid. Have I not learned anything from the past? I was pretty high for a short period--but not too high because I knew what reality would most likely bring. And I'm feeling like I'm experiencing that reality right now. The reality that always is the same. Why did I feel like it was something different this time? It's always something different. But not really. I think I sort of convinced myself that this could be a potentially very good thing. Well, right now it certainly doesn't feel that way, and I am doubtful that anything will end up changing. He's just like the rest--they don't want a relationship, I know that. It won't change. He doesn't call. He calls your best friend. But not you. Just like Micah never called me. It's the same with Sam. He could have called me today and asked why I was upset last night. Part of me is glad he didn't, so I didn't have to make up a fake lie that I can't pull off. But then again, why didn't he? I know the answer: he DOESN'T CARE. He doesn't want to care, and he never will. If someone likes you, even if they're not looking for a "relationship," they will call because they want to talk to you. But they never do. And this is nothing different. I don't regret anything, but part of me wishes it hadn't happened. So I don't have to feel this way again. To feel like a complete idiot for ever believing this could be anything more that what I unfortunately have forced myself to come to accept--nothing. I can't waste my time anymore on people who don't feel the same way. There's no point in putting so much time and energy into someone whose feelings won't change. I've wasted too much time in the past, and I won't let myself do the same with him. My intuition was saying that there's something here that could work, but it's been wrong before. I feel like he did like me, and maybe that's part of why I've done what I did. But I think I was wrong. So much for (in his words) "lucky number 7."